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How do you know when it is time to move
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amother
Orchid


 

Post Mon, Apr 27 2015, 6:07 pm
How does one know when it is time to move. We live in a fine house, the kids have one or two friends, the schools are ok, the shul is eh- I only have one friend I think I can count on, but a few relatives here. Dh 's job is fine. Should I be looking for me- or don't rock the boat. dh and I are both feeling this way. like everything is fine, but should there be more. We have been here for about 7 years- could this be the "seven year itch" but with a neighborhood?
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 27 2015, 6:26 pm
That's like asking how do you know when it's time to get married, change jobs, have a/nother baby, or leave your husband? It all depends on your personal tolerance for risk and discomfort, as well as your ties or lack thereof to your present place and situation. One person might have a very hard time adjusting to change, have deep loyalties to a community, and prefer to be a little bored or dissatisfied or even quite a lot bored or dissatisfied if it means not having to go through a major change. Such a person might need something catastrophic or the threat of same to budge. Someone else with greater flexibility, who adjusts easily to new things, has no deep ties or loyalties to the current community or job, has very little tolerance for boredom or dissatisfaction, may need only a little bit of annoyance to be off and running.

Some people spend their whole lives chasing rainbows, believing that the perfect house, community, job, or sweetheart is just around the corner. make sure that you are not one of them. There is no "perfect" anything. You may love the shul and hate the schools. Love the view and hate the neighbors. love the house, hate the commute. Before doing anything, figure out whether you are unrealistically expecting perfection, whether the imperfections of your present situation are really likely to be any better elsewhere, and whether you can live with them or not. Because just like a shidduch, you cannot expect to have everything on your wish list. You have to set priorities and decide what you absolutely must have and what you can compromise on.
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November




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 27 2015, 6:34 pm
So well said, Zaq
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amother
Orchid


 

Post Mon, Apr 27 2015, 6:41 pm
That is a great answer- thanks sooo much! Guess I have a lot of realistic thinking to do. I am a big dreamer/imaginer. Meaning I like to imagine being in a new place and starting fresh, but I am not one of those risk takers, we have moved several times in the past because of dh schooling and jobs/ only one time was it the move because of a neighborhood where I felt this is not a good place to raise my kids. dh has been asking me where I see us in 10 years from now-his answer is E"Y (always has been his answer)I am in awe of those who have done it, but I am not there yet- so 10 years from now or future plans, I don't know. I see piles of laundry, car pool pta meetings etc. not 10 years from now. So everything here is just ok- does one search for more- I guess you gave me a really good starting place to search my feelings realistically.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 27 2015, 7:05 pm
Wouldn't it be nice if you could put all the details into some app, and out would pop the right decision.

Sadly, life isn't like that. Real time decisions are messy and fraught with uncertainty.

Why not look into other communities and other job possibilities, and see where your research leads you?
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amother
Orchid


 

Post Mon, Apr 27 2015, 9:04 pm
op here- yep an app for that would be great. Also an app that can see the future and be able to fix my mistakes so life can be all hearts and flowers... Very Happy
I find it fun to look into other areas- houses, ( a big house with lots of rooms and big dinning hall room to host smachot- or to help people with out of town guests etc.) but in reality if everything is f"fine" here- why mess with it? You never really know a community until you live there for a while.
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gold21




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 27 2015, 9:09 pm
Do u feel like you're part of a community where u live?
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amother
Orchid


 

Post Mon, Apr 27 2015, 10:02 pm
Good question- I guess I don't and the frustrating part is I have volunteered to help with things in the school and shul, but that is frustrating because people don't follow up and then complain directly too me that something was so much work. Sometimes I feel like I have to beg to volunteer- which is ridiculous and its always the same people who are involved. I don't think that its that they don't want my help- its just that the community that I am in there is an older group of people and younger group, but few in the middle, sop I can see why it can be a little clicky.
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gold21




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 27 2015, 10:37 pm
The reason I asked is because generally, if u feel like a part of a community- great neighbors, friendly people, etc, u don't feel as inclined to pick up and start over. It sounds like u don't have that and it bothers u. I think it's very important to feel like you are a part of ur community. This is just my opinion, not necessarily accurate to you in your life.
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chicco




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 27 2015, 10:42 pm
I've been there. The most important question to ask yourself (in my opinion) is: are you thriving? And if you are not growing, do you see potential for growth? It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that there is no ideal town/community, but once I did, I realized what I did have to find was a place where my family and I could grow and thrive. If you are not satisfied in that department, I don't think it is wrong of you to hope for more and consider shaking things up to achieve that.

Best of luck!
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amother
Pink


 

Post Tue, Apr 28 2015, 5:21 am
when I was growing up I kept on feeling my parents had "aunts in their pants" since every now and then we moved, and each time my overall mood dropped more and more.

When I got married I told my husband we would never move unless there was a really really good reason.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 28 2015, 7:24 am
We moved rather a lot with my parents, looking for "better" and I didn't mind.

Me, I pray to move to America because I think it will be better. Go for better, especially better long term and/or for the kids. Now, if you think it's fine where you are, and you're not sure there is much better, don't move!
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Tue, Apr 28 2015, 9:26 am
ants in your pants

hopefully aunts are not in your pants

or ants either

Very Happy
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amother
Jade


 

Post Tue, Apr 28 2015, 9:34 am
I live in a 1 bdrm apt with 4 kids, I have the same question!
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Rubber Ducky




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 28 2015, 9:36 am
Consider taking a leadership position in your school or shul. That will give you more connection, and a platform from which to make your community more to your liking.
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amother
Orchid


 

Post Tue, Apr 28 2015, 10:10 am
op again- actually don't want my kids to think we have ants or aunts in our pants. I don't feel as much of a part of the community as I once did, so I guess that needs working on, but recently stuff in the community has been irritating myself and dh so its hard and I am sure all communities go through these waves, but the other thing I am seeing is a lack of leadership- like the Rav of the community standing- or privately speaking against a lot of bain adam lechavero things that need to be addressed.

Ruchel- good luck with the peace you are seeking ( ihave no idea where you live, but I hope things get better for you)

to the amother with 1 room and 4 kids- wow! you are amazing- If you can handle a move to get a little more space.
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amother
Orchid


 

Post Tue, Apr 28 2015, 10:12 am
chicco wrote:
I've been there. The most important question to ask yourself (in my opinion) is: are you thriving? And if you are not growing, do you see potential for growth? It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that there is no ideal town/community, but once I did, I realized what I did have to find was a place where my family and I could grow and thrive. If you are not satisfied in that department, I don't think it is wrong of you to hope for more and consider shaking things up to achieve that.

Best of luck!

I don't feel that myself and dh are thriving, but my kids for the most part are and I guess that is the most important part so why take a chance elsewhere. I guess that it boils down to. Thanks for the help gaining clarity on my question.
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 28 2015, 1:28 pm
Instead of adding the stress of a move, maybe plan more fun into your lives. I know fun sounds petty. But it's good for both physical and mental health. Perhaps you'd enjoy taking trips. "Adventure increases intelligence" I heard on a TED talk. So rather than spend thousands on a move, which destabilizes the whole family, perhaps take a vacation!
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chicco




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 28 2015, 2:13 pm
I'm glad that your kids are thriving, and you shouldn't compromise that, but it can't be good for them if you guys aren't thriving. Also doesn't that kind of put cap on their growth?
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 28 2015, 2:35 pm
Not sure. I never noticed my parents didn't care for the keila until teen +.
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