Kids are monsters around only me.

redroses

Wed, Apr 29 2015, 7:55 am

I don't know if this is normal or not, but my kids are monsters around me, constantly nagging, whining, kvetching, crying, fighting. In school, with the babysitter, with DH they are angels. I walk through the door and the monster in them comes out. I leave to do errands on a Sunday, they are angels with my husband. I come home and all hell breaks loose. I work full time and they are in the care of a loving and attentive babysitter when they get home from school. I watch them in the camera and see them happy and calm. I walk through the door and immediately everyone is crying and fighting. It makes me hate coming home.

Yes I know that this may be their reaction to me working, but when I am home and on weekends I give them all my attention, together and individually. I will try to leave work early once a week to pick them up from playgroup/bus and then do something special with them. I was home with them for 10 days over pesach, every. single. minute. of. every. single. day and they were still like that.

How do I get this to stop? It is so exhausting. I am calm and patient and I try to listen to each one of them as they outtalk and outshout each other to tell me about their days, but inside I feel like getting back into my car and going back to work....

rikki 1

Wed, Apr 29 2015, 9:58 am

I don't have a solution but wanted you to know you're not the only one. my husband always says I should stay upstairs in bed or not come home from errands or work and they'll remain calm. the minute I walk in, it's chaos. Hugs, I feel for you!

FranticFrummie

Wed, Apr 29 2015, 10:33 am

It may not have anything to do with you working.

Are you consistent with boundaries, or do you let things slide because you feel guilty for working? Kids can sense weakness like the best of predators, and they will go for the kill every time. You have to let them know that you are an Alpha in the pack, and not just another kid they can abuse at will.

Try to go over things in your head, and see if there were any times that you let them nag you into giving in. Be loving but firm with them, and they'll treat you with more respect. Just know that it can take a LONG time for them to unlearn their wild behavior, and that it will still pop up every time they want to test out something new to see if you will cave.

Hug

Vanilla

Wed, Apr 29 2015, 10:56 am

yesss..listen to FF's advice! I see this all the time. Take charge and DON'T FEEL GUILTY!!!!! You'll be doing them the greatest service.Don't let them cry or nag for petty (or attention seeking) reasons - nip it as soon as it starts! As soon as you walk in the door set the tone. Like FF says "loving but firm". Hatzlocha!

amother

Wheat

Wed, Apr 29 2015, 11:21 am

Well, you may not like this but this was my experience as a kid being a "monster" only around my mom.

Take a good look at yourself to see if it's not something you're doing. Kids feel their mother's impatience no matter how much she tries to hide it. We were good kids, but the moment my mother was there - we became well, monsters - as you put it. We fought like cats and dogs when she was home because that was the only thing that got us attention. It drove her nuts, leading her to potch us, which ignited even more fights. We nagged her nonstop because all we ever got was NO.

I was the oldest of a bunch of little ones and I LOVED it when my mother went to a full night wedding, because bedtime went so smoothly when she wasn't there. Ditto for her vacations.

Good luck.

Ruchel

Wed, Apr 29 2015, 12:02 pm

Or maybe just maybe, OP davka is too nice, gives in too much.
My kids can be that way (not monsters, just harder) because with me they can get away with more than mora or dh or even my parents. They do NOT look forward to me going away. c'v.

amother

Wheat

Wed, Apr 29 2015, 12:11 pm

Ruchel, you're probably right. It just aggravates me to no end when people call kids, especially their own, monsters or anything similar.

IME, kids aren't monsters- EVER. They are either hungry, tired, attention starved or a host of other such things.

imasinger

Wed, Apr 29 2015, 3:25 pm

One other factor.

Kids will often hold themselves together, but then be a little stressed out by doing so. Sometimes, Mom represents the safety valve, the source of unconditional love where they can let go.

Not that fathers and sitters aren't loving, too, or that kids can't feel safe with them. But still, there can be something about Mom time.

The thing to do, IMO, is to take it initially as a compliment, but also work on improving the situation. Take some notes. Does anyone need to eat sooner? Nap longer or at a different time? Have greater structure, or more free play?

How often are you noticing them? Do you come home all business, or do you give everyone a few minutes of your undivided attention while they talk to you or play? How often are you speaking to them to direct, correct, criticize, versus just converse, praise, ask them things that show you are on their wavelength, or do active listening? Take notes about this, too, looking for patterns.

Then, you can think about how to proceed. Sometimes, less (direction, correction) is more (cooperation, efficiency).

FranticFrummie

Wed, Apr 29 2015, 3:38 pm

imasinger wrote:

YES! DD totally does this with me. I'm her safe person to "freak out on." Lucky me. Confused

Also, do try to catch them being good. If one of them hands a toy to another child, quickly comment on how you love to see them sharing so nicely. Little things like that can go a long way to fill up their "love tanks" and give them the positive feedback they crave.