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Kids keep 'complaining' about DH... WWYD?



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amother
Lime


 

Post Sun, May 03 2015, 6:40 am
Kids keep complaining 'Daddy punished me when I didn't do anything' or 'Daddy shouted at me and it wasn't my fault' etc.

Would you say 'Don't tell me, if you have a problem talk to him directly'? or?

DH has been judging too quickly and sometimes reacted unfairly. I have discussed this with him several times but the changes are not so quick in coming.

I'm getting really frustrated as I feel my hands are tied to some extent.

How should I react?
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harriet




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 03 2015, 6:42 am
How old are the kids and how long has this been going on for?
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 03 2015, 6:53 am
When the kids come to you, is he usually around?

If DH and I have a disagreement about how one of us has just dealt with a kid, we call to the other, "Executive conference!" and go behind closed doors to discuss it right away. Once we have consensus, we go back as a team to the kid.
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thanks




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 03 2015, 10:23 am
My strategy is to tell the child to discuss with "Daddy". If I think he's dealing harshly, I'll tell him privately. Be consistent, and they will never complain to you again about him.
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Notsobusy




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 03 2015, 10:29 am
thanks wrote:
My strategy is to tell the child to discuss with "Daddy". If I think he's dealing harshly, I'll tell him privately. Be consistent, and they will never complain to you again about him.


If he's really being too harsh, why shouldn't they complain to their mother? Who should they complain to? It's great to say discuss with Daddy, but if he's not changing there's no reason they can't discuss it with their mother.
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Tablepoetry




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 03 2015, 10:35 am
thanks wrote:
My strategy is to tell the child to discuss with "Daddy". If I think he's dealing harshly, I'll tell him privately. Be consistent, and they will never complain to you again about him.


And what have you accomplished? Don't you want your kids to communicate with you, even if it's negative?
What if 'Daddy' is really wrong?
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amother
Blue


 

Post Sun, May 03 2015, 10:39 am
imasinger wrote:
When the kids come to you, is he usually around?

If DH and I have a disagreement about how one of us has just dealt with a kid, we call to the other, "Executive conference!" and go behind closed doors to discuss it right away. Once we have consensus, we go back as a team to the kid.


What do you do if you can't come to a consensus?

Or if the consequence has already been dealt out when you're told about it (and can't be taken back) and it really is too much? I know we are told to let it be because one unfair consequence is ok in defense of a united front, but a pattern of them is not.
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bluebird




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 03 2015, 10:45 am
I can tell you that telling your children to NOT come to you is a bad idea. Your kids need to feel safe coming to you about anything and if there is chv a real problem with your husband's discipline you need to know about it to address it.

Also, telling the kids to talk to him directly is good advice for an adult to handle adult problems, but not a good advice for a CHILD handling problems with their adult father.

I'd talk to the kids more then discuss with your husband. You are partners in raising your children and must be in agreement with and approve of each others' style of discipline.
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hannah22




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 03 2015, 10:47 am
You say that you understand that your dh is being unfair and too harsh So you know for a fact your children are not making up lies. They are expressing their resentment.
So you need to sit down with your husband and talk to him about it. It's unacceptable to treat the children that way and if anyone can draw his attention to that fact it's his wife. If you don't talk to him about it, it will go on and on and you will grow more resentment in your heart. You will bear a grudge against him and the situation will only get worse, when we feel upset or something is troubling us we have to express the way we feel, not keep it inside. Good luck x
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 03 2015, 10:55 am
Kids learn several important life lessons from a parent coming to them and saying, "I am not saying what you did was OK, but I overreacted and came down too hard on you. I'm sorry. Let's talk about what happened and see if we can both find better ways to handle things."

OP, maybe you and your DH should consider couples counseling?

Punishing a child over nothing, and frequent yelling over small things can mean the father has an anger issue. Please stay alert.
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amother
Vermilion


 

Post Sun, May 03 2015, 3:06 pm
I think I read in R' Matisyahu Salamon's book on chinuch that the mother should give rachmanus. You cannot undermine your DH but you can say s/t like, "It must be so hard for you when Daddy screams. I know you didn't mean to do s/t wrong and maybe we can talk to Daddy about it but if Daddy said you cannot have the ice cream then that is what Daddy said. But I love you no matter what and I know it must be hard for you..."
S/t along those lines...
And yes talk to Daddy behind closed doors.
My DH has apologized to my kids and it helped a lot. He tends to overreact a lot and is working on it. But you do have to keep an eye out and find a smart way to talk to DH about it so he can work on the chinuch with you.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 04 2015, 9:12 am
You need first to discuss with dh
Disagreeing with him "in public" (about chinuch, religion... important stuff not ketchup) should be left for very needed times...
The kids need to talk to you but need to feel you n dh are a unit, hence see above. Maybe counselling would be in order if you feel he cannot "do it well" enough, or if you cannot compromise?
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Shopmiami49




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 04 2015, 11:29 am
My advice to you would be to talk to your dh, plain and simple. Keep it about him and his relationship with the kids, and NOT about your feelings about it (unless he asks).

"Hon, I think we have a problem here. The kids have been coming to me with hurt feelings and resentment over what happened between you and them. I'm not here to convince you of right or wrong, but if you want to maintain a relationship with them, I think you might want to look into this more. This is not about you and me, it's about you and them."
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amother
Lime


 

Post Tue, May 05 2015, 4:49 am
Shopmiami49 wrote:
"Hon, I think we have a problem here. The kids have been coming to me with hurt feelings and resentment over what happened between you and them. I'm not here to convince you of right or wrong, but if you want to maintain a relationship with them, I think you might want to look into this more. This is not about you and me, it's about you and them."


OP here. Thanks everyone for your comments. It's great to know I'm on the right track with validating their disappointment. I just wish I wouldn't have to.

DH does not have an anger issue b'h, just sometimes gets frustrated as the kids can be pretty difficult. It usually happens when he's overwhelmed.

We've had the conversation as above on several occasions but DH doesn't seem to be bothered about the situation...
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amother
Natural


 

Post Tue, May 05 2015, 8:50 am
Just a new poster on this thread. My DH had a tough childhood, and he adores our kids to pieces but does not always deal appropriately - he can come down to hard (verbally - not physically) and be excessively tough. It was less of an issue when they were younger, but became more pronounced as they grew up.

My oldest really went thru a tough time with him, and it really hurt him because he loves her so much...and I was caught in the middle supporting both of them.

We recently found a mentor - actually someone who is a retired mental health professional who gives parenting advice and is very on target - in our area and DH talks to him on a semi-regular basis. I've found it very helpful and he is making real progress in his relationship with our children.

If you get to the point, don't hesitate to get professional advice. It helped us.
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amother
Coffee


 

Post Tue, May 05 2015, 11:19 am
Please take the advice to take this seriously and find mentors and parenting classes. It won't get better on its own and clearly hasn't from you discussing it with him. Your husband NEEDS to learn appropriate parenting and discipline skills.

My father started out that way. And the frustration and yelling escalated into emotional and physical abuse by the time I was 12. It is a risk.

Seriously, please help him NOW.
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amother
Lime


 

Post Tue, May 05 2015, 11:24 am
amother wrote:
Please take the advice to take this seriously and find mentors and parenting classes. It won't get better on its own and clearly hasn't from you discussing it with him. Your husband NEEDS to learn appropriate parenting and discipline skills.

My father started out that way. And the frustration and yelling escalated into emotional and physical abuse by the time I was 12. It is a risk.

Seriously, please help him NOW.


Thanks for your concern. DH doesn't go for the parenting-class-thing. He thinks it's an unnecessary modern invention... It's extremely unlikely that it'll escalate though, and if it will (c'v) then I'll force him into it at the time.
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