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What should I say to my daughter?
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amother
Azure


 

Post Sun, May 03 2015, 2:18 pm
My teenage daughter has been heavy most of her life. It is my philosophy that a mother should not comment on her children's weight. I have kept quiet for several years. Lately she keeps announcing that she is on a diet, or about to start a diet.. no comment from me. Today she was looking for the cookies from Shabbos and I said you don't want them anyway, remember graduation is next month. Well this slipped, and even as I was saying it I knew it was a mistake. She walks over to me with attitude and says, we learned in parenting class that a mother should never say anything about her daughters weight. This has really infuriated me because 1) I've been so careful all these years, and 2) this is not the first time she has thrown parenting class in my face. I happen to think I'm a good mother. It is so disrespectful to talk down to me about my parenting as if she knows better because she's taking a class! I'm having trouble putting my anger and what she's doing wrong into words. I need to teach her how disrespectful this was without sounding that I feel like an inferior parent. What do I say and thanks for letting me vent!!!
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 03 2015, 2:24 pm
I think you should talk about health with her. She needs direction in her dieting. Comments like that are judgmental and hurtful. She may appreciate your support, but be strongly turned off by you watching her plate.
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 03 2015, 2:27 pm
you can tell her that you were wrong to say what you said, apologize for that, and at the same time tell her that her response was chutzpadik. let her know that she could have said something like, "I'm hurt by what you said" instead of putting words the way she did.

however, I don't know that I would do that. I think it's time to sit down with her and discuss health and your place in her health. I don't think what you said was correct at all, but my main issue is with the fact that you brought graduation into it. why is graduation a point at which she should look skinny more than any other day? graduation is when you celebrate her accomplishments. her weight doesn't matter. she's obviously touchy about her weight (no surprise there), and specifically indicating that she should look good for graduation was kinda mean-spirited. she has repeatedly mentioned dieting, but you said nothing. why did you not tell her that you'll be happy to support her in whatever way she wants? you can offer to count your own caloric intake, buy less nosh, buy her special nosh, help her cook special foods, etc. there's no reason to be silent. she pretty much invited you to be involved by letting you know she was dieting. if she didn't want you involved at all, she wouldn't have mentioned it. I'm sure she feels horrible that the only involvement you had in her efforts to diet was in mentioning that graduation is coming up and she doesn't want cookies. so start discussing your place in her dieting, but make sure to get her perspective on it.
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SRS




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 03 2015, 2:30 pm
Is she taking a parenting class? Why?
Just apologize to her, tell her that you want to help her with her health? Suggest activities you can do together like bike riding or taking an exercise class together as a way of having fun together while working on fitness. And don't beat yourself up, but ask what you can do to help her.
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justcallmeima




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 03 2015, 2:30 pm
If it was truly a once in a several year slip up, I would let it go. Later after both of you are not upset about it, you can apologize for your slip up and tell her how you usually let her manage her eating because you know she's so capable. I would let her comment go. She was hurt.
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 03 2015, 2:31 pm
Also, she wears a shapeless gown for graduation...
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amother
Azure


 

Post Sun, May 03 2015, 2:40 pm
Thank you all for the honest advice. I guess I'm most upset because I didn't like the way I handled it either. Aside from that issue though, and I plan to have a better discussion with her, I'm perturbed about this parenting class. They give to the seniors in high school, and I feel that she uses it to criticize me, judge me and point out when I'm doing something wrong. There is some irony here when you are learning jewish parenting but are missing the respectful to your parent part. Thats what I want to get across to her as well.
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amother
Azure


 

Post Sun, May 03 2015, 2:43 pm
Yeah, I know the gown is shapeless, it was more of like a goal point. Look what you can accomplish before this date, not that you need to look extra good for graduation. Ok, I know, bad advice wish I could take it back.
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Amarante




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 03 2015, 2:45 pm
It's a hard situation. I confess to throwing a can of tuna fish (empty) towards my mother when she made a comment about my eating habits when I was a teenager. It was the same dynamics where I was claiming to be "dieting" and yet slipping and probably asking her to make special foods or buy something.

It's hard for the mother and it's hard for the child/teenager.

I do think that your daughter probably knows about health and diet and calories so she doesn't need the talk from you. I know what helped most when I became serious about losing weight as a teenager was that the whole family did it so it wasn't something special. My mother just started cooking lower calorie/healthier meals for the whole family so it was much easier as I didn't feel singled out. Also, there wasn't nosh in the house but she always had plenty of really good fruit as well as veggies and other tasty low calorie nosh around like the 0 point WW soup etc.

Also people losing weight need some kind of support group to help them along. Some people do well at WW. My parents paid for someone who specialized in eating - kind of a therapist who specialized in eating. It was more accountable than WW group meetings and really helped me a lot.' ETA - I realize this last paragraph is confusing. I went to a psychologist but really it was less about "therapy" and much more about learning about nutrition and changing my behavior than lying on a couch talking about my subconscious feelings about cake. Tongue Out It could be a therapist but it could also just be a very good nutritionist who has a practice of seeing people one on one.
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Onisa




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 03 2015, 3:12 pm
I think you should write her a letter. Tell her you said something wrong. Tell her that response was not the best. Put in few words about I-replies ( not you hurt me, but I am hurt after you have mentioned it). And then list all options you can think of how you want or may be helpful about her loosing weight options. But be as creative as you can, fun and humorous. Instead of - I can count callories we will callont caunties. Or stick cute pictures of exsercise not the boring ones. Ask her to tick all she wants to pick or add her own and when she is ready she may come and discuss. Do not make it only about action, it is also a process .. So put in something like callory free fun outing with mother, shopping for smaller sizes ect
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amother
Pumpkin


 

Post Sun, May 03 2015, 3:17 pm
amother wrote:
Thank you all for the honest advice. I guess I'm most upset because I didn't like the way I handled it either. Aside from that issue though, and I plan to have a better discussion with her, I'm perturbed about this parenting class. They give to the seniors in high school, and I feel that she uses it to criticize me, judge me and point out when I'm doing something wrong. There is some irony here when you are learning jewish parenting but are missing the respectful to your parent part. Thats what I want to get across to her as well.


That is the part that troubles me about this. As parents we make mistakes, but children are not allowed to questions us. I tell me children that they will never be my equal and derech eretz goes only in one directions.
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Onisa




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 03 2015, 3:29 pm
amother wrote:
That is the part that troubles me about this. As parents we make mistakes, but children are not allowed to questions us. I tell me children that they will never be my equal and derech eretz goes only in one directions.

Pumkin amother, I am sure you are great parent but what about verbal, physical and s-xual abusers?
My mother lives in a dream bliss world where all her " sacrifices and good intentions " are justified and approved, she is so disattouched with reality that I have no intentions to confront her. But I would love my teenager daughter to confront me when something goes wrong, when the relationship falls apart. The same way I want to hear my dh's complaints about my behavior to analyze, work on it, grow from it. One of the reason I bring children into the word is to be taught and sometimes in a harsh way.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 03 2015, 3:52 pm
My mother used to be on my back for every stupid bite, and it scarred me. I get really annoyed by a story of a kid whose mother has been so nonjudgmental saying one thing once, and getting that kind of reaction.

But life tends to go that way. Sometimes, the less critical the parent is, the more critical the child can be.

I think there are two separate issues here.

One is what to say about food. "I froze the cookies because you said you wanted to cut back" is OK. "Graduation is a month away" is not helpful.

The other is about this class.

Is this the only situation where your DD has expressed her opinions less than respectfully? If not, she may have a mild social skills deficit. Be sure to gently help her correct the behavior, by modeling what you wish to hear, and by explaining key concepts, like "I language".

The next time she brings it up, I'd call her on it, saying something like, "Tell me, did they teach you it was proper to use what you learned to be chutzpadik to your parents? I think I need to call the school and find out more."

She will probably demur, say she didn't mean it like that. Then, I'd suggest saying,"Can you find a way, using 'I' language, to express what's concerning you in a respectful way?"

This can be a stressful time for all. Try not to take anything too personally!
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Machel




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 03 2015, 11:15 pm
Good for you for not making her weight an issue for all those years. You slipped up once, but it was a mistake and she will get over it when she calms down. I grew up heavy (still am) and my mom always made it an issue, even though she is heavy too. She was always making comments about what I ate and how I looked and it had a really negative impact on my relationship with food. Part of the reason I had/have so much trouble loosing weight is because I would eat just to prove a point to her.

I think this is giving you a chance to think about how you can talk to her in a positive way that will make her feel good about herself and open to changing. She is lucky to have a mom who is so thoughtful.
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June




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 04 2015, 2:19 am
amother wrote:
That is the part that troubles me about this. As parents we make mistakes, but children are not allowed to questions us. I tell me children that they will never be my equal and derech eretz goes only in one directions.


this is so wrong. every human being deserves derech eretz, regardless of their age or generation. you're confusing derech eretz with the commandments to honor/fear your parents.

op, your daughter is out of line by constantly comparing your parenting to what she learns in school. but it's really off that the school is teaching this. 12th graders are years away from parenting. I would address it with the school.

I think instead they should have a class on how to relate to your parents as you get older (and think you know everything/want to assert your independence). I definitely would've benefited from such a course.
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imasoftov




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 04 2015, 3:28 am
amother wrote:
That is the part that troubles me about this. As parents we make mistakes, but children are not allowed to questions us. I tell me children that they will never be my equal and derech eretz goes only in one directions.

If I had a parent like that, derech eretz would go in no direction.
imasinger wrote:
The next time she brings it up, I'd call her on it, saying something like, "Tell me, did they teach you it was proper to use what you learned to be chutzpadik to your parents? I think I need to call the school and find out more."

She will probably demur, say she didn't mean it like that. Then, I'd suggest saying,"Can you find a way, using 'I' language, to express what's concerning you in a respectful way?"

This alternative is both much more reasonable and likely to ensure that you are allowed to meet your grandchildren.
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amother
Pumpkin


 

Post Mon, May 04 2015, 4:10 am
Onisa wrote:
Pumkin amother, I am sure you are great parent but what about verbal, physical and s-xual abusers?
My mother lives in a dream bliss world where all her " sacrifices and good intentions " are justified and approved, she is so disattouched with reality that I have no intentions to confront her. But I would love my teenager daughter to confront me when something goes wrong, when the relationship falls apart. The same way I want to hear my dh's complaints about my behavior to analyze, work on it, grow from it. One of the reason I bring children into the word is to be taught and sometimes in a harsh way.


Since I am not an abuser this advice works for my children who are respectful and defer to authority. My children are taught warning signs and that they may come to me with anything. They may not be fresh to me or my husband.

I wouldn't like a parent/child relationship where my children are teaching me how to behave. Children need to know boundaries. They need to know how to respect authority unless authority crosses the line which OP did not.
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amother
Pumpkin


 

Post Mon, May 04 2015, 4:24 am
imasinger wrote:
My mother used to be on my back for every stupid bite, and it scarred me. I get really annoyed by a story of a kid whose mother has been so nonjudgmental saying one thing once, and getting that kind of reaction.

But life tends to go that way. Sometimes, the less critical the parent is, the more critical the child can be.

I think there are two separate issues here.

One is what to say about food. "I froze the cookies because you said you wanted to cut back" is OK. "Graduation is a month away" is not helpful.

The other is about this class.

Is this the only situation where your DD has expressed her opinions less than respectfully? If not, she may have a mild social skills deficit. Be sure to gently help her correct the behavior, by modeling what you wish to hear, and by explaining key concepts, like "I language".

The next time she brings it up, I'd call her on it, saying something like, "Tell me, did they teach you it was proper to use what you learned to be chutzpadik to your parents? I think I need to call the school and find out more."

She will probably demur, say she didn't mean it like that. Then, I'd suggest saying,"Can you find a way, using 'I' language, to express what's concerning you in a respectful way?"

This can be a stressful time for all. Try not to take anything too personally!


I doubt OP's daughter will defer. I teach senior girls and the ones who talk to OP that way would say to go ahead. They don't see anything wrong with what they do. They need to be taught they can't get away with their behavior just because they are teenagers and going through a difficult time.

Too many teachers allow the girls to talk in class and the girls seem to think it is ok to be chutzpahdic to the teachers. These are the same girls who don't speak respectfully about their parents. Children need firm guidelines that they may not be disrespectful ever to their parents.
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 04 2015, 4:29 am
Why are they teaching parenting to 17-18 year olds? Teach them shalom bayis since it can be applied anywhere, running a home... Who says they'll even have kids in three years, and if they do, will they remember any of it?
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amother
Silver


 

Post Mon, May 04 2015, 4:51 am
She wasn't intentionally trying to be disrespectful to you. She was hurt by your comment. She is a teenager. She is ultra sensitive. She is probably very self conscious of her weight, and then to have her own mother say something like that, it kind of reinforced her own self hatred, it really hurt.
I know because my mother, like you, is an amazing mother but she sometimes said things to me without thinking that really hurt my feelings. There is no reason for comments like that.
I'm sorry to rub it in, I know you made a mistake and everyone does but you do need to go and apologise to your daughter and say that you did not mean what you said, that she is beautiful and that you love her like crazy, just the way she is.
she needs love too, just because she strugglea with her weight doesn't deprive her of that need, she needs constant reassurance. Also maybe she has genetic predisposition, thyroid problems or metabolic problems?
a lot of people who are overweight are NOT overweight from eating.
In any case she acted the way she did to you because she was hurt. That was just her expressing her hurt. Ignore it.
Yes she needs to respect you of course but never forget that she is vulnerable and turn your frustration into empathy and understanding. Let her know that Hashem doesn't care about her weight while at the same time support her and encourage her by saying things like that dress looks stunning on you - when she has lost weight.
don't feel bad - we all say stupid things. we would literally not be human if we didn't. You're a great mother, just set it right by having a heart to heart with her and a cuddle.
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