Difficult three year old behavior

amother

Gold

Sun, May 03 2015, 9:08 pm

I'm looking for a little perspective. My three year old ds can be very difficult at times. He is very high energy, and often very impatient, having a lot of difficulty sitting still, waiting, playing quietly, etc. I know that to some degree I'm describing typical three year old behavior but it seems extreme to me.

One thing that particularly stands out is that he is very attached to me (which on many levels I love!) but he will usually refuse to allow others in his life to care for him, ie his older sisters, brother, his Bubby, etc. He has been going for a long time to the same small playgroup run by my neighbor (who we are very very close to) but he will often cry and tantrum when I drop him off.

He can be well behaved at times, but it seems more often he is kvetching, complaining, getting frustrated and throwing things or crying. Often rather than engage in play or conversation he will just yell, make noises, repeat "bathroom words" again and again. His language development is not at all delayed, if anything he is advanced in this regard, often using fairly complex words or asking very thoughtful questions. But socially and emotionally he seems much less mature. He is very related and connected, no indication of any aspergers type issues.... At times he seems almost hyperaware of other people and their moods. When he sees that I am feeling upset at something he did, he will usually start crying and saying "please forgive me Mommy... tell me you love me!" I am not at all withholding of love and affection!! Quite the opposite....

Can anyone chime in with any insight, experience, advice? Techniques? Books? Experts? I am very down about this and feeling like I am failing in the ways that I am trying to help him feel calmer, more satisfied, more at ease....

FranticFrummie

Sun, May 03 2015, 9:45 pm

In my experience, 2/3 year olds are exactly like 11/12 year olds.

It's a phase where they've discovered how exciting the outside world it, and yet they find it equally terrifying. They will push you away with one hand, and cling desperately to you with the other.

Let him explore within firm boundaries, and just be there for him when he needs you. Right now, you are a touchstone of security, possibly more than at any other time in his life. The more consistent you are with him, the happier and more secure he will be in your love. If you give him any mixed signals at all, he will be miserable (even if he gets his way right now, he won't feel safe in the long run.) Consistency is absolutely key!

amother

Gold

Sun, May 03 2015, 10:23 pm

Ok, wow... this is very encouraging that you feel it is typical! One thing I am grappling with right now is that he is rejecting my mother very aggressively. Whereas he used to be very close to her. It makes her so sad, and I guess I worry why is he being so rejecting in that regard. Like he'll say "go away" or if she says "I love you" he'll say "no you don't!" Or just shrug his shoulder and say "hmmph!" Is this a typical stage too?

imasinger

Sun, May 03 2015, 10:37 pm

Not unusual.

Maybe if she tried saying in a teasing voice, "Don't hug me! No, no, no... Oh, no! He's hugging me!"

And have her reread "Where the Wild Things Are", and evaluate whether she is behaving like the monsters who say, "We'll eat you up, we love you so." Which Maurice Sendak said was based on the behavior of some older relatives who could not respect a child's need for autonomy and space.

Dolly Welsh

Sun, May 03 2015, 11:12 pm

Just know a child with a good ear will parrot words perfectly and it sounds as if he knows what he is saying. He doesn't. He heard it somewhere. His ideas are three-year old ones. The words are vaguely understood but with no depth or nuance. Do not be fooled.

So he's antsy. Is he eating solidly? Is he getting enough exercise? Is he getting enough time with his father?

Your mom may be over-doing the lovey grandma thing. I think one uses an open friendly nice face to a child, but then, one lets the child come to you. WHEN he comes he gets maybe a hug, but a soft-key one, not a bear grab. A little arm-around, friendly but not a lot.

Adult feelings, no matter how well meaning, are large things when you are two feet tall and weigh so little. Adults are so huge to children and their full-bore feelings are too big and scary.

Spy on your caregiver through a window or something. And show up unexpectedly. And eavesdrop through the door before knocking.

Three is little. Is he in care too many hours?