Feel like a bad mother- this just happened

amother

Honeydew

Tue, May 05 2015, 1:41 pm

My daughter is very tired in the evening, she deliberately misbehaves- rolling bike over 2 yr old sisters toes again and again. I warn if she doesnt stop I will put her in her room. I'm making supper for my husband at the same time. I KNOW shes just tired and needs attention, I KNOW I should be giving her all of my attentiom. I try to get control on my emotions/reactions. I warn and warn, finally I snap and yank her off bike, put her in room and hold door closed so she cant get out. Shes wailing and wailing. I tell her, 'if you stop hurting sister you can come out. Will you stop?' She says no. I hold the door closed. Ask her again. She says no. Cycle repeats 5 times. Finally I say she can come out bcs SHE WILL STOP (mainly due to fact that dinner is burning on stove and need to go to kitchen). She continues to roll bike over sisters toes. I put her out of kitchen and close the door. She wails hysterically, opens door to come in. I close it. Cycle repeats 10 times. Meanwhile I'm making dinner. Im angry at her that shes misbehaving, even though I KNOW shes exhausted and has lost control. I react to her misbehavior and yell 'what is wrong with you, why wont you stop???'. 2 yr old also crying in backround. Finally I regain some composure, and in a loving voice offer her to come over to me and hold my leg while I cook. Shes obliges and the drama is over.
Now I feel like a terrible mother. Why do I let my emotions take me over? Why does it get to me so much when my daughter gleefully misbehaves, smiling in my face? Im also tired and at my wits end in the evening. I teach kindergarten in the morning, then run errands, then come home and do laundry plus clean up, then run out for 2 hours to get my kids. I have zero koach and patience left.
Anyone else out there who might care to share similar experiences?

Sanguine

Tue, May 05 2015, 2:01 pm

I don't think the bike is the problem. If she didn't have the bike she'd find something else. The problem is that you're making supper for DH during "Witching Hour". That's not the time for cooking. Prepare things a different time. Serve him a sandwich (actually, he can make his own sandwich). Prepare tomorrow's supper after the kids are asleep tonight...

You're not a bad mother. You've just set yourself up for disaster in the evening. DD needs attention at that time. She can't help misbehaving when she's tired. Even grownups sometimes say stupid things to people when they're tired (that's how grownups misbehave).

Chayalle

Tue, May 05 2015, 2:23 pm

When you do put your child into timeout, there should be no discussion or communication. You tell her that due to her misbehavior you are putting her into timeout for x number of minutes (x usually corresponds to her age) and then she stays there for that length of time, after which she comes out. No discussion of the repeat behavior, which it's understood will stop.

Now whether timeout is appropriate in this situation.....IDK. Sounds like she needs an earlier bedtime.

amother

Blonde

Tue, May 05 2015, 2:28 pm

This could have been me writing this post. I totally understand what you're going through. I do try as much as possible to prepare stuff ahead of time but there's always something that needs to get done in that time. If it wasn't cooking it would be feeding the baby or laundry or cleaning... I get upset and yell at my kids for misbehaving when I know that if I just sat down and played, colored, read books with them they would be fine. Then I feel that horrible mommy guilt for not only not being a good mommy and interacting with them more but for getting upset at them when it's my fault for not giving them more attention!
One thing I am trying to work on now with my kids is telling me when they want/need attention instead of acting out. Teaching them to verbalize what they are feeling. It's really hard for me but I try my best that if they come to me and say mommy I want you to read me a book or I need to spend time with you to stop what I am doing and give them the attention they are asking for. For my 3 year old, who is a little too young to identify this for herself, when I see her misbehaving I will give her the words she needs to express herself. I will say I see that you really want mommy to do xyz with you but it's not ok to hurt your sister because of that. If I need to finish up what I am doing (so the food won't burn etc.) we set a timer for 2 or 3 minutes and when it beeps I stop and give them the attention they need. I am hoping this method helps curb some of the acting out and teaches them to give words to what they are feeling and ask for what they really need. Sending hugs your way and hope that the older one outgrows this behavior sooner rather than later.

imasinger

Tue, May 05 2015, 2:44 pm

One strategy I find helpful is if a kid is misbehaving with a toy, I put the toy in time out. If I'm really irritated, I'll yell at the toy. The kid giggles, and then is in a better frame of mind to move on. However, this doesn't always work. Some children might then just choose something else to be aggressive with. Others can be more readily redirected.

But the bottom line is that a lot of the books forget to mention that the witching hour hits parents, too.

Kids act out most at a time when we are often least able to cope with it.

IMO, it's Hashem's way of helping us increase our ability to be patient, at the worst times, and at all times.

None of us does it right all the time. Give yourself credit every time you see that you are doing better. It makes you feel better, and also makes you more inclined to give your kids credit for the little improvements that they make on the big issues, too.

Chayalle

Tue, May 05 2015, 3:03 pm

imasinger wrote:

Love this post.

heidi

Tue, May 05 2015, 3:27 pm

Sanguine wrote:

It's amazing how you read my mind and posted exactly what I was going to!!!

amother

Honeydew

Tue, May 05 2015, 3:39 pm

OP here- wow so many helpful responses. Thank you all so much. Especially the post about giving your daughter the words she needs to hear to express her feelings, and the timer. And about the toy having time out. Those are good tips, I hope to put them to use.
I really really appriciate everyones effort made in response!
BTW, the 'bike' is actually a trycicle. The kids always ride it nicely so no need to banish it. We live in an apartment with no terrace, theres no private yard.

Liebs

Tue, May 05 2015, 5:29 pm

rosehill wrote:

Nobody should ever be judged, or judge themselves, on their parenting ability by what goes on from 4-8pm.
Don't know if it's fatigue, sugar highs and lows, or just the tides and the planets, but we all turn into cranky monsters at that time.
I'm sure you're delightful in the mornings and on weekends Very Happy

cute post but this is where self care comes in!!
eat some almonds, a heallthy snack...take a twenty minute rest on the couch....
A few things came to mind (I dont' know how to double quote) but the love and logic book is great and so is Mrs Sara Yaraslovitz's parenting class available via MP3 player. At first I though it sounded like training a dog but then I realized it's better than the above scenarios.
Another thing I recently started doing was a lot of positive reinforcement. I have cups of change and hand out 5 cents for not hurting even when want to...giving a lot of positive comments while they play nicely...thanking them for playing while I made a yummy dinner for daddy when he'll get home....
Rebetzin Spettner says ur not a bad mommy just "technical failure". You have to move s/t around to make ti work better. Whether it's a DVD, cereal and milk for supper or no tricycle....
Another great book is "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk"
And lastly dont' mean to sound too spiritual (although mothering is very spiritual!) but when I feel it's getting tough I relisten to Rabbi Gaby Sassoon's speech from the levaya. "Love your kids, don't negate them....surrender every minute to Hashem"...I daven under my breath and try to go minute by minute surrendering to Hashem at the toughest hours of 5-6 oclock.
And we shouldn't judge 4-8 but you can be sure this is exactly the time your kids are judging and lookign if they can be safe and secure and trust you.
Lots of luck and love. We women are amazing!!!!

Emotional

Tue, May 05 2015, 5:57 pm

amother wrote:

I'm amazed that you held it together as well as you did. For me, mornings are a disaster in the parenting arena, as I am NOT a morning person and evidently, neither are my kids!!

chatouli

Tue, May 05 2015, 6:57 pm

rosehill wrote:

I'll share a story. Usually I'm ok with dinner and bedtime, which I do alone bc my DH is working. My kids are 5, 3 and a newborn. The other night bedtime went really really badly. Horribly. The big kids didn't listen to a word I said, the baby cried, I yelled (a lot). It was one of those nights.

After I finished putting them to bed, I came downstairs with the baby and saw a Baby Gap bag in my living room that had not been there before. I looked at my phone. A very nice woman from shul had called to ask if she could drop a gift. I had left the phone downstairs so didn't get her call. She dropped by and apparently I had left the front door unlocked, plus I had a couple bags of stuff I was donating on my stoop for pickup. She didn't want her gift to get mixed up in the donation. So she came in and left the gift in my living room since I didn't hear her knocking.

I wanted to die. G-d knows what she heard. I have a new parenting mantra: parent like someone might drop a gift in the living room Smile