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I can't take this anymore
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Tue, May 12 2015, 9:47 am
I'm at the absolute end of my rope. I can't bare to work another day in my life. I hate working and it's causing a huge issue for me emotionally. We need my job. I mainly cover tuition plus some other side things. Without my salary, we couldn't afford a dime of tuition and no school that I know of gives 100% scholarship.

My husband won't hear of any alternatives. He won't consider homeschooling or public school or online charter school. We already send to the cheapest school in town, so there is no "cheaper." Our kids are thriving and happy and my husband wants to leave them where they are.

I really can't do this anymore. It's been 15 years of hard, full time work. The job itself is great. My salary is respectable, my schedule has flexibility, the work is varied and interesting. The problem - I hate working. (I can't switch to part time either)

I've been able to take year long maternity leaves and life is always wonderful. I am relaxed, calm, spend lots of quality time with my kids. I cook healthy food, the house is clean everything runs smoothly.

As soon as I go back to work, I go right back into being depressed and unhappy.

I'm getting ready to leave my husband just so that I can quit my job. I love him, but I can't take this stress anymore. My parents have a spacious basement apartment that I can move into with the kids and he can worry about paying for tuition (moving there together is not an option for various reasons I won't go into). It's in the same town, so DH could still be the loving, involved father he is. I don't really want to do this but I am past the point of desperate.

Can anyone commiserate with these feelings of desperation? How do you go on day after day?
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pesek zman




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 12 2015, 10:08 am
You're ready to leave your husband because you don't want to work? I must be missing. Something because this doesn't sound normal.

Why do you think your financial situation will be different/better if you get a divorce?

I'm not understanding your post or point of view at all. I'm sorry that you're in sicj a tough spot though
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Tue, May 12 2015, 10:12 am
pesek zman wrote:
You're ready to leave your husband because you don't want to work? I must be missing. Something because this doesn't sound normal.

Why do you think your financial situation will be different/better if you get a divorce?

I'm not understanding your post or point of view at all. I'm sorry that you're in sicj a tough spot though


I will live with my parents, who would be willing to provide shelter, food and basic necessities. For various reasons that option is not available with DH.
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tigerwife




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 12 2015, 10:13 am
Does your husband work?
I can't tell from your post.
If not, it's time to go job-hunting. In the meantime he can take care of the house.

If he is working and not making enough money, does he have any potential for growth? Can he take on extra projects and you can cut down on your hours?

I don't think you are seriously considering divorce, but you do sound very burnt out (I feel for you! Same here!).
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Tue, May 12 2015, 10:16 am
tigerwife wrote:
Does your husband work?
I can't tell from your post.
If not, it's time to go job-hunting. In the meantime he can take care of the house.

If he is working and not making enough money, does he have any potential for growth? Can he take on extra projects and you can cut down on your hours?

I don't think you are seriously considering divorce, but you do sound very burnt out (I feel for you! Same here!).


My husband works long and hard. It's enough to pay our living expenses but not for tuition.
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causemommysaid




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 12 2015, 10:17 am
I'm sorry you are going through a tough time.

I think that you might be glorifying a pretty bad situation because you are unhappy.

I don't think you will be happier divorced, penniless, and living in your parents basement.

Plus your kids will probably be very angry at you for divorcing their father over this.

I think leaving a good job with decent salary and flexibility (year long maternity shock ) is a bad move but why cant you just quit without leaving your husband?

What can he do about it if you already quit?
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Tue, May 12 2015, 10:22 am
causemommysaid wrote:
I'm sorry you are going through a tough time.

I think that you might be glorifying a pretty bad situation because you are unhappy.

I don't think you will be happier divorced, penniless, and living in your parents basement.

Plus your kids will probably be very angry at you for divorcing their father over this.

I think leaving a good job with decent salary and flexibility (year long maternity shock ) is a bad move but why cant you just quit without leaving your husband?

What can he do about it if you already quit?


That's ultimately the same thing. He thinks it's the ultimate selfishness to quit my job at the expense of our family. That's his red line. If I did that, our marriage would be over.
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JAWSCIENCE




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 12 2015, 10:26 am
I am not sure how moving in with your parents helps. Your parents would be paying the living expenses that you say your husband is all ready paying. For most people with a few kids in a Yeshiva the savings on living expenses would not make up what you need to pay tuition. Even selling a house and moving into an apartment would not take care of the issue unless it is a highly valuable house, you all ready paid off the mortgage and DH has a place to live without using any of that many. You say "let him worry about paying tuition" but would quitting your job and not divorcing him not also make him have to worry about paying tuition? How is leaving him going to free up money for tuition? Your kids could still be kicked out of school. Plus you say he works long and hard, meaning this situation is not caused by his lack of trying and you don't mention anything about him personally that makes you want to divorce.

It sounds like you have a lot of frustration towards the schools but instead of directing your anger towards them for high tuition etc. you are putting it all on your husband saying he is "forcing" you to work. If he feels the kids would be happier in a school than in homeschool you can't blame him for that. Many kids are better in that setting.

Maybe seek other ways of coping with this situation. I am not sure how young your kids are - but tuition does end one day and the fact that you are able to pay it (most families struggle mightily) is a huge bracha. Remind yourself of that while seeking better career options that you like better.
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GreenEyes26




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 12 2015, 10:27 am
This situation has to be more complicated than what you're laying out here.

Your husband would rather divorce you than try to work out a solution where you don't have to work, or can work less? You would rather raise your children on your own than work? I don't get it. Clearly your marriage needs some help but this seems extremely drastic. Have you guys gone to counseling?

There are so many women who work full time and it's very hard, but also doable. And it seems like your job is actually pretty great. What is tipping you over the edge? Do you need cleaning help? Takeout once a week? A babysitter to help with bedtime?

Please clarify, OP. Please don't leave your husband over a job.
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elisheva25




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 12 2015, 10:29 am
As others said please tell us more of what's botheribg you because whatever it is your reaction is extreme . What causes you the most stress at home and how can it be aleiviated??
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pesek zman




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 12 2015, 10:34 am
Sounds like you're angry that despite your Hisband working hard and earning a nice salary, that you still have to work. You say 'except for tuition' but as we know, tuition is often the greatest expense that frum families have. You didn't say how many kids you have, but I imagine this is expense is 20k (+\-) which of course is where your salary comes in. I apologize that I'm going to sound harsh and this likely isn't what you came here to hear, but I think this is mind over matter: you have to decide that you will be able to tolerate work in order for our children to have the yeshiva education that they should have. You admit that the job is good, but that you become depressed when you work. Why? Is it anger and resentment that you have to? Then seek therapy to deal with these feelings. 2 parents working is the norm nowadays. It's what my Husband and I do. I agree with your husband,, sending to public school is not and should not be an option. If you are able bodied, you go to work. If your depression makes you disabled, Get to a psychiatrist and possibly anti depressants. Make the decision that as long as your chicken need you for this (and they do) you will work. You don't have to like it. But you have to do it. You are not a victim. Decide that you will stop seeing yourself as one: try seeing yourself as a superhero who works all day and cares for her family all night, how geshikt you are to handle it all! How lucky your husband is to have you keeping the family together and ensuring their education! I wish you best of luck as you try and come to terms with your reality
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causemommysaid




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 12 2015, 10:34 am
amother wrote:
That's ultimately the same thing. He thinks it's the ultimate selfishness to quit my job at the expense of our family. That's his red line. If I did that, our marriage would be over.


It seems very extreme.

He would divorce you for quitting your job and you would leave him so you can quit your job.

There must be a lot more going on for you both to feel this way.

What if you hired full time cleaning help or a nanny to be around after school? would you be less stressed?
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luvinlife




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 12 2015, 10:37 am
by most couples both spouses have to work to be able to live with basics. you seem very anxious because of your job and you don't feel like you are managing your home smoothly. Is there any way you can pay a cleaner once a week to make your life better or have your DH watch your kids for part of the time on the weekend so you can organize your life for the week?
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Tue, May 12 2015, 10:53 am
JAWSCIENCE wrote:
I am not sure how moving in with your parents helps. Your parents would be paying the living expenses that you say your husband is all ready paying. For most people with a few kids in a Yeshiva the savings on living expenses would not make up what you need to pay tuition. Even selling a house and moving into an apartment would not take care of the issue unless it is a highly valuable house, you all ready paid off the mortgage and DH has a place to live without using any of that many. You say "let him worry about paying tuition" but would quitting your job and not divorcing him not also make him have to worry about paying tuition? How is leaving him going to free up money for tuition? Your kids could still be kicked out of school. Plus you say he works long and hard, meaning this situation is not caused by his lack of trying and you don't mention anything about him personally that makes you want to divorce.

It sounds like you have a lot of frustration towards the schools but instead of directing your anger towards them for high tuition etc. you are putting it all on your husband saying he is "forcing" you to work. If he feels the kids would be happier in a school than in homeschool you can't blame him for that. Many kids are better in that setting.

Maybe seek other ways of coping with this situation. I am not sure how young your kids are - but tuition does end one day and the fact that you are able to pay it (most families struggle mightily) is a huge bracha. Remind yourself of that while seeking better career options that you like better.


If we are no longer married, it is not my responsibility to deal with DH's finances. If he wants them to stay in Yeshiva, that is his choice and he can figure out how to pay for it. It will no longer be my responsibility. I am willing to deal with alternative schooling options that aren't ideal because I just can't do this anymore. He is not willing. He can have all of the stress of the financial responsibility.

I'm not upset at the schools. They provide a quality education at a decent price.

I'm not mad at him but I just can't live like this anymore. I can't do this for another 15 years. What ways of "coping" are there?
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Tue, May 12 2015, 10:54 am
GreenEyes26 wrote:
This situation has to be more complicated than what you're laying out here.

Your husband would rather divorce you than try to work out a solution where you don't have to work, or can work less? You would rather raise your children on your own than work? I don't get it. Clearly your marriage needs some help but this seems extremely drastic. Have you guys gone to counseling?

There are so many women who work full time and it's very hard, but also doable. And it seems like your job is actually pretty great. What is tipping you over the edge? Do you need cleaning help? Takeout once a week? A babysitter to help with bedtime?

Please clarify, OP. Please don't leave your husband over a job.


I would some ideas on how I can stop working or work part time. My field doesn't allow it and we need the money. Don't you think if I could just leave my job I would have done that long ago?
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Tue, May 12 2015, 10:57 am
pesek zman wrote:
Sounds like you're angry that despite your Hisband working hard and earning a nice salary, that you still have to work. You say 'except for tuition' but as we know, tuition is often the greatest expense that frum families have. You didn't say how many kids you have, but I imagine this is expense is 20k (+\-) which of course is where your salary comes in. I apologize that I'm going to sound harsh and this likely isn't what you came here to hear, but I think this is mind over matter: you have to decide that you will be able to tolerate work in order for our children to have the yeshiva education that they should have. You admit that the job is good, but that you become depressed when you work. Why? Is it anger and resentment that you have to? Then seek therapy to deal with these feelings. 2 parents working is the norm nowadays. It's what my Husband and I do. I agree with your husband,, sending to public school is not and should not be an option. If you are able bodied, you go to work. If your depression makes you disabled, Get to a psychiatrist and possibly anti depressants. Make the decision that as long as your chicken need you for this (and they do) you will work. You don't have to like it. But you have to do it. You are not a victim. Decide that you will stop seeing yourself as one: try seeing yourself as a superhero who works all day and cares for her family all night, how geshikt you are to handle it all! How lucky your husband is to have you keeping the family together and ensuring their education! I wish you best of luck as you try and come to terms with your reality


Not everyone is cut out to work. I am not. I can't deal with the long hours, the constant thinking and doing. Being a SAHM is easy for me and while a yeshiva education is wonderful, it's not worth the enormous stress placed on me. I'm not going to drug myself for that, especially when we have other options.
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 12 2015, 10:59 am
amother wrote:
I'm not mad at him but I just can't live like this anymore. I can't do this for another 15 years. What ways of "coping" are there?
You cant live like this anymore?? you cant work for another 15 years?
Do you mean to tell us all that your parents will give you shelter etc until the day they die? And then what? You are going to live that way forever? Something is evry wrong with this picture.
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shabbatiscoming




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 12 2015, 11:01 am
amother wrote:
Not everyone is cut out to work. I am not. I can't deal with the long hours, the constant thinking and doing. Being a SAHM is easy for me and while a yeshiva education is wonderful, it's not worth the enormous stress placed on me. I'm not going to drug myself for that, especially when we have other options.
I dont think you realize how many people are not "cut out to work" but do because they have to.
Also, if you are not married to your husband anymore, none of his salary will be helping pay for anything anymore. That will make a HUUUUUUGE difference in your lives. And not for the better.
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Tue, May 12 2015, 11:01 am
causemommysaid wrote:
It seems very extreme.

He would divorce you for quitting your job and you would leave him so you can quit your job.

There must be a lot more going on for you both to feel this way.

What if you hired full time cleaning help or a nanny to be around after school? would you be less stressed?


With what money?

Even with all that, that doesn't solve the problem. I just cannot work anymore.

He would divorce me for abandoning the family and its needs. He grew up poor because his father chased a ridiculous dream and his mother didn't work. He doesn't want to raise his kids in poverty and views me quitting my job as a family betrayal. He doesn't want to stay with someone who is willing to throw away financial stability because they hate working.
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GreenEyes26




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, May 12 2015, 11:05 am
amother wrote:
I would some ideas on how I can stop working or work part time. My field doesn't allow it and we need the money. Don't you think if I could just leave my job I would have done that long ago?


What I mean more is, what SPECIFICALLY about working is making you take such drastic steps? It has to be more than "I'm not cut out to work full time". When you need to work, you need to work. If you didn't have tuition you guys would be home free? Your husband's salary would be enough?

If you hate working enough that it's making you a) think about divorcing your husband b) pulling your children out of a place where they are thriving and c) becoming reliant on your parents until...when? Then something's gotta give. But divorcing your husband in a passive-agressive ploy to force tuition payment on him - which is totally what this is, by the way - is NOT the way to go about it. And the only ones who are going to suffer during this whole thing are your children.

You hate your job THAT MUCH that you would upend your children's lives? Taking them out of school? Leaving their dad? And it's not the same thing if he's in the same city. You know it, everyone knows it, but most importantly, THEY KNOW IT. Why is work SO AWFUL that it's worth THIS? Please explain! This seems so incredibly drastic! OP, think about what you're saying. And the ironic thing is, your job sounds really flexible and wonderful!
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