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Forum -> Working Women

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ora_43

Wed, May 13 2015, 12:34 pm

Barbara wrote:

I haven't heard her say that she doesn't particularly want her children in school. Indeed, it sounded as if she was content with the schools. Rather, she said that she's willing to consider alternatives because of her issues.

Similarly, she hasn't cited any of what you call the "usual problems" at all. Just that working depresses her.

OP sounds quite articulate and intelligent to me. Its rather disrespectful to address problems you think she should have, not the ones she says that she does have.

No disrespect was intended, and my apologies to OP if it came across that way. I don't think people were deliberately assuming more than was intended. Sometimes our brains fill in (what we think are) the details without us even realizing.

OP did say that she would love to homeschool.

Sanguine

Wed, May 13 2015, 12:38 pm

Did you say that you have 5 girls the oldest is 8? (I can't find that post now but I thought you did). So how many are actually school age? 2? and you're paying so much for 3 pre-schoolers? You can certainly home-school your 2 or 3 pre-schoolers. Even if they teach reading and numbers in gan or Pre-1A. Your kids won't miss a thing before first grade. Preferable if you make sure to have them mix with other kids too but that can be in the afternoon. Now to make up the money for the 2-3 actual school kids, babysit for other kids together with your little kids. It doesn't have to be an official gan but may grow into that. When your own kids outgrow it and go to school, you can make a fuller gan of outsiders (you'll have more tuitions to pay and you're freeloaders (your kids) will be out in school). Or maybe by then you'll have had enough of mommy and me, and be ready to go back to work.

amother

Burgundy

Wed, May 13 2015, 12:44 pm

Sanguine wrote:

3rd, 1st, Pre-1A and two younger. Next fall it will be 4th, 2nd, 1st, Kindergarten and 2s class. Only one would be in the range of staying home (for DH).

amother

Burgundy

Wed, May 13 2015, 12:47 pm

Barbara wrote:

I love the school. They are warm and loving and have great academics (for both sides of the curriculum). However, my kids are the type to thrive in multiple environments. I'm sure they would do really well in other school environments.

I can't quite explain why working depresses me, even though I have a "great" job. I think people who can find fulfillment in their jobs (even if they don't love it) just can't understand.

causemommysaid

Wed, May 13 2015, 12:55 pm

Can I ask what you do?

moonbeam

Wed, May 13 2015, 1:08 pm

Barbara wrote:

Of course its difficult. No one said it isn't.

Nor do I think that anyone is dismissive of OP's problems.

But she needs to confront these problems, and do so in a manner that does not dismiss her husband's opinions and concerns, and takes into account the fact that her children are happy and thriving in their current environment.

And I think that we all need to recall that the problems she cites are not the ordinary ones -- that she is overworked, or tired, or doesn't have enough help around the house. It's that working depresses her.

Therapy would help her figure out why that is, before she gives up a job that she tells us is interesting and flexible, only to find out that the stresses of homeschooling also depress her. It would also help her deal with the normal stresses of the modern world.

It's ridiculous to say that she should make unilateral decisions, and that her husband has no say. It's ridiculous to say she'll just divorce him, go live in her parents' basement, and let him worry about the money. It's ridiculous to say that the burden of supporting the family should fall on him alone. It doesn't help her to encourage her to live in a fantasy world. That's not supporting her. It's setting her up for disaster.

Why does she need therapy if working (and being away from her family) depresses her? Are you as quick to tell sahm's that are depressed that they need therapy as well, or do you suggest they change their life and get a job?

And who's to say staying home and homeschooling would depress her? Why is it so difficult to understand that different people thrive under different circumstances and there are women out there who actually thrive when at home and with their children?

Agreed, OP shouldn't get to call all the shots and expect her dh to do every thing she says, but at the same time her dh shouldn't be doing that either, and that definitely sounds like what's going on. And it's not ok.

It sounds to me like the problem maritaly is that op is really struggling but her DH isn't willing to even consider ways that may help her, and since he isn't there for her and helping her with her needs, it's contributing to her emotional burn out. That's not right. He should be considering her thoughts and feelings and talking through options, even considering doing things outside his comfort zone to help her. Marriage is give and take, and he needs to give if his wife is having such a hard time.

sequoia

Wed, May 13 2015, 1:15 pm

Exactly!!!

Thank you eemachana for expressing the truth mildly and rationally.

Read "Man's Search for Meaning" by Victor Frankl. Sometimes, you don't need therapy. Sometimes you just need to quit your job.

amother

Burgundy

Wed, May 13 2015, 1:19 pm

causemommysaid wrote:

Can I ask what you do?

I would rather not say what I do. It's not that common.

Barbara

Wed, May 13 2015, 1:47 pm

amother wrote:

Actually, I do get it.

I know that the plural of anecdote is not data, but I have a friend who very much liked his colleagues and found much of his job interesting, but nevertheless became depressed and self-destructive. He didn't consider quitting because he thought no job would be different. Eventually, he was fired, and his life turned around completely. He is doing something different, and is happy. He maintains close friendships with many of his former colleagues.

That's one of the reasons that I think you should consider a different job. Maybe it won't help. Maybe it will.

GreenEyes26

Wed, May 13 2015, 2:01 pm

OP, if you are who I think you are (sorry, some of your details are very specific!) I think the fact that you might not get enough sleep is tipping you over the edge. You wake up incredibly early every day and I'm sure there is no way you're getting your recommended 6-8. Is there any way you can change your hours to those of a normal person?

amother

Burgundy

Wed, May 13 2015, 2:04 pm

GreenEyes26 wrote:

Is 6:30 considered early? I usually get 7 hours of sleep a night, which isn't bad. I don't think that's it. I wake up fully rested.

sequoia

Wed, May 13 2015, 2:07 pm

Yeah, I felt pretty silly. I was also sure you were that poster.

Still got your back! Heart

amother

Burgundy

Wed, May 13 2015, 2:22 pm

Now I'm curious who everyone thinks I am. I'm not a well known poster (I usually post anon). I can't be the only poster with 5 little girls working full time!

amother

Jade

Wed, May 13 2015, 2:25 pm

Hey Burgundy amother, we both have a bunch of girls almost exactly the same ages Smile

. I bet we heard a lot of the same comments about all-girl families (my youngest is a boy, so I can also fill you in on the annoying comments you'll hear if you have a boy someday).

Now people know there's more than one of us Wink

.

I work from home, with cleaning help, a bit less than full time. I can definitely see how working more would be difficult.

I hope you find a solution that works for you and your dh.

causemommysaid

Wed, May 13 2015, 3:12 pm

amother wrote:

Now I'm curious who everyone thinks I am. I'm not a well known poster (I usually post anon). I can't be the only poster with 5 little girls working full time!

Now I'm curious too!

amother

Lavender

Wed, May 13 2015, 3:38 pm

You're not paying that many tuitions yet, but you are paying for a lot of daycare. I count pre-school as day care, because that age there is certainly an option to 'home-school'.

OP, I was at a stimulating, well-paying job that I hated. (Probably a lot to do with the temper of the boss.) I couldn't think of quitting because we needed my income to pay the bills.

So my subconscious assisted me by making me so sick I had to quit.

A couple of years later I found a great job. With a similar boss. And eventually got sick again.

So some of us have these coping mechanisms...

When I worked more or less full time I felt like a hamster on a treadmill, running as fast as I could to stay in one place. It's very hard.

I wanted to post, though it's been said

Quote:

sequoia wrote: Look, she's saying to her husband, "I can't do this anymore," and he's saying, "I don't care." Not ok.

Quote:

No. He's saying "there's no realistic alternative." Big difference.

Well, I would say, not really. He's saying he's not willing to consider alternatives.

How did you live when you were on maternity leave? On savings? See, if you could get yourself fired you'd at least get unemployment, I assume? But I do think you ought to go to meet with someone, if there's a Rov your DH respects that would be good. Just to talk over the alternatives.

Because it seems to me that your DH being traumatized by a poor childhood means he might need therapy to get over it. It doesn't mean you have to work FT with five little kids (sheesh!) because he won't consider alternatives.

amother

Orchid

Wed, May 13 2015, 4:40 pm

OP, can you discuss scholarships with your school? It is admirable to pay full tuition, but if you are at the breaking point of getting divorced over this, believe me that the school would rather that you get a tuition reduction!

amother

Sapphire

Wed, May 13 2015, 6:59 pm

amother wrote:

3rd, 1st, Pre-1A and two younger. Next fall it will be 4th, 2nd, 1st, Kindergarten and 2s class. Only one would be in the range of staying home (for DH).

With a years maternity leave you were off more than you worked the last 8 years.

amother

Burgundy

Wed, May 13 2015, 8:42 pm

amother wrote:

With a years maternity leave you were off more than you worked the last 8 years.

Yes. And now that we are done having kids, I have no leave to look forward to.

Hatemywig

Wed, May 13 2015, 8:48 pm

amother wrote:

Just saw your post, glad to hear you aren't actually about to divorce him. It sounds like your husband's fears are controlling your marriage, and you are working so hard without any validation or appreciation. It doesn't mean to you what it means to your husband, but you are both working with his definition and expectations, which is definitely extreme.

If you really love each other, you are excellent candidates for couples therapy. Maybe try that before you quit your job.

I think you hit the nail on the head!

OP, if there were to be any sort of red line, I think it should be you demanding that your DH go get help to overcome his fears that are affecting your mental well being.

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