I can't take this anymore

amother

Puce

Wed, May 13 2015, 9:17 pm

GreenEyes26 wrote:

OP, if you are who I think you are (sorry, some of your details are very specific!) I think the fact that you might not get enough sleep is tipping you over the edge. You wake up incredibly early every day and I'm sure there is no way you're getting your recommended 6-8. Is there any way you can change your hours to those of a normal person?

I think I know who you thought it is but from many details it just wouldnt make sense to be that well known poster. Although theres a ton of similarities!!

amother

Puce

Wed, May 13 2015, 9:34 pm

If you can afford to not work for years at a time, can you save up some money after a few months of work to get household help and to not feel you have to wash out ziplocs (more work)
I know you said your husband is working long hours but can he give you extra help on the weekends. Do the grocery shopping or make sure you nap. Help you prepare supper night before. Help with laundry etc.

Yes working is awful. I really dont like it. I am much calmer when I am on leave. I have moments and that is when dh knows he better fold some laundry or live with a snappy wife Very Happy

DrMom

Thu, May 14 2015, 2:07 am

I haven't read every post in this long thread. But I do think it's odd that someone with a solid, well-paying, flexible, interesting, and needed job would quit, divorce her husband, and move into her parents' basement and let her parents pay for her food, clothing, and shelter. It's almost like the OP wants to revert to childhood.

OP, how long has it been since you went on vacation? Could your parents take care of your kids for a week while you and your DH get away from it all for a while?

Maybe you just need to be pampered for a bit. But then you have to return to the real world.

imasinger

Thu, May 14 2015, 6:58 am

Therapy is a useful thing to try when people feel stuck.

Maybe, decades ago, people would think that therapy was only for people who had something wrong with them. (Yes, anyone who said on this thread, "why is anyone suggesting therapy thinking something is wrong with poor OP", I'm talking to you. That idea is also from the days of Ozzie and Harriet.)

For most of the world, those days are history.

OP, either individual therapy or marriage therapy could be helpful to you, to see options where none seem possible right now. Given how busy you are, I can see how adding in one more thing might seem impossible.

But I'd bet that if you rearranged things in order to do it, you'd be glad that you did.

amother

Gray

Thu, May 14 2015, 9:26 am

for the record I also have lots of girls and work!!!
op could ur parents help pay a bit? I know it may be hard for dh to take from them. cld u gonspk to them privately and explain how u feel? if they r willing to house u wld they not pay a cple tuitions?
feeling for u.
one more thing...I too hate working and do it only for the money. I tell myself all the time not to look for satisfaction in it or to get too emotionally involved in it....not sure that helps u when ur so fed up but maybe on easier days it helps to recall this....

amother

Sapphire

Thu, May 14 2015, 9:54 am

amother wrote:

Her parents don't like DH and would only help if he is out of the picture.

imasinger

Thu, May 14 2015, 9:56 am

sequoia wrote:

Capitalism.... Work spend work spend work spend! Work until you feel insane and then spend -- on therapy, on expensive luxuries (pamper yourself! You deserve it!), on takeout and disposables. And so on and so on.

And the Jewish community is making it impossible to ever get out of the rat race, by making yeshiva the sine qua non of social acceptance.

Therapy is not in the same category as takeout and disposables.

Nor is it needed, in this case or in most cases, because someone is caught in the rat race trap. Was this what they taught about the evils of the Western world in communist schools? Because most people I have spoken to who have lived in socialist/communist environments are working even harder, and with less to show for in in terms of personal satisfaction or empowerment. Granted, the ones I meet are the ones that chose to leave. But studies of self-reported happiness around the world generally do not put those countries who eschew capitalism anywhere near the top of the lists.

Therapy is about learning the ways that you are bound, and how to understand yourself and the world so that you can find another way forward. While it is not as necessary as food on the table, it might be as necessary as doctor visits. Neither are cheap, both may be necessary to restore full range of motion after some limitation gets in the way.

The idea that people work themselves to the bone for foolish reasons may indeed be based on truth. But, at least as posted in this thread (no idea what pm's might be adding), OP and her DH are not talking about fripperies.

They are talking about some real hashkafic/chinuch issues about what is best for their children. They are talking about being responsible citizens who step up and care for the family they chose to have. They differ in how to accomplish those goals. Those differences need to be addressed. And that's not easy.

Runnng away from all employment is one solution. Being forced to continue to be miserable is another. I vote that both of those options are too limiting, and that the couple needs to think more flexibly. It's not about a rat race or the evils of capitalism. It's about a SB issue, and how to take proper care of oneself, one's spouse, and one's dependents in a sensitive and responsible fashion.

hesha

Thu, May 14 2015, 10:02 am

if her parents don't like her husband and would only help if hes out of the picture (as above poster posted, I didn't read the entire thread myself) than they are largely to blame for her current perspective. they are obviously constantly sending negative messages about him to her, and making her believe that leaving him would solve all her problems. no kidding she's thinking this way. instead of being smart and objective - thinking parents, they are leading her down a pretty stupid path, all the name of helping her out. im sure they mean well, but how different it would be if they told her they'd be willing to help her financially within her marriage, and supported her in her efforts to keep her family together

amother

Burgundy

Thu, May 14 2015, 10:28 am

amother wrote:

Her parents don't like DH and would only help if he is out of the picture.

That's not true. Their philosophy is that men take care of their own family. They will only help out in a substantial way if the family structure is broken up. It's not because they don't like him (they do!) but they feel that adults manage their own finances. They worked hard to get where they are today and think everyone should as well.

There are also other complications but it's really not important to the discussion.

amother

Burgundy

Thu, May 14 2015, 10:30 am

amother wrote:

That does help. Thank you.

I think I just need to come to terms with the fact that I hate my job but it pays the bills.

To the person who asked if we have different bank accounts: No. We share all the finances and bills. So technically, my salary can be paying for the mortgage and whatnot but that's immaterial. Half of the income earned by our family goes to tuition.

amother

Sienna

Thu, May 14 2015, 10:55 am

amother wrote:

Read the bolded of your own words. I am sorry for you that you hate working. but as adults we often have to do things we dont want to for the benefit of our families.

pippy93

Thu, May 14 2015, 11:09 am

You sound stressed. Maybe you need anti anxiety meds. I once felt soooo stressed out that I hated going to work and would dream of quitting, except I would have all of my other responsibilities. I spoke with my dr and he put me on a very low dosage of something. In about a month I felt better and things were more manageable. This may not be the answer for you-- but it worked for me. Explore if this is an option-- it may just make things easier for you to handle and you won't feel like you were at the end of your rope. it may also help other issues that stem from you being so stressed out.

imaima

Thu, May 14 2015, 11:48 am

amother wrote:

So why do you want to add to their complications? You are a big girl now.

musicmom

Thu, May 14 2015, 12:08 pm

I can't take it either! My husband is just starting to figure out creating his own business. I get it. But before and after work he expects me to do everything with the kids, as in get them dressed, put them to bed, bath them, nurse the baby, put away the laundry, clean their rooms. How do you all do it? I like my job and do find it fulfilling, but it is stressful, and I get a lot of flack if I so much as try to exercise. There is no me time. It is really really really hard. I wish I could quit but am supporting the family right now...

ora_43

Thu, May 14 2015, 2:07 pm

sequoia wrote:

Maybe I'm way off here, but in my experience capitalist societies are the only ones where there are circumstances under which society will consider it acceptable if someone chooses not to work. Socialist countries tend to have more financial benefits for those who can't work, but that doesn't translate to social acceptance for those who won't work. JME, others may have totally different experiences.

saw50st8

Thu, May 14 2015, 2:45 pm

OP,

You sound like a version of the poster from a different thread who wants to leave her kids and frolic. Sometimes we all have these moments where life gets us down so much that we want to escape. For some (fantasies?nightmares?) it means abandoning your children, others their job or spouse or whatever they perceive as the stress at that moment. That's normal. Just don't actually do it :-)

What you need to learn is to take it one day at a time. Tomorrow doesn't matter if you can't get through today. Most people can take 8 hours of work for one day. Just string those days together one at a time and you will survive.

Alternatively, you can belt out "I will survive!" as many times as you need.

aquarius1

Thu, May 14 2015, 6:04 pm

Op, you need to take into consideration what is best for the family unit, your husband and your children, and not only what is best for yourself. It's part of being married and having a family. Leaving your husband to go live with mom and dad and school your kids in the cheapest possible way or leave schooling up to your husband to figure out himself does not sound very responsible or caring. And it's no picnic to get divorced and deal with all the stress of custody battles, not to mention lawyers expenses etc. with that being said, Is there a way to compromise? Maybe you can reduce your hours to part time? Find a job that allows you to work 3 days a week instead of 5? Maybe you can find out more about homeschooling and try it for one child to see how it goes? Also take a vacation!! a small vacation from work can do wonders.