Feels like I'm still in high school!!

MountainRose

Sun, May 17 2015, 10:53 am

I am apparently running behind planning shavuos in that I only started inviting people two weeks ago. But DH is getting really sick of eating at home. He said we should wait for an invite. I looked back over my calendar and we have only been invited out 5 times in the past year - and those were all people we had over more than once before they invited us to them. In the past year, for every invite out, we hosted 10 times!

This is really depressing! We host every week we are home - I love guests and so do my kids. I do sometimes have to scramble to find guests because they don't get back to me, but B'H we have guests every shabbos lunch, and every lunch of chag. The scramble gets really stressful, so I will book guests in months in advance, and we are usually up for more.

DH thinks this is why we never get invited out, because I usually have guests booked in. But I can't actually remember the last time we were invited out. I certainly can't remember turning anyone down!

What are we doing wrong? It is really hard to think that it's not a popularity contest. Sometimes when I invite people, they are booked to eat out for the next 10 weeks. It really does remind me of the popular girls in high school, vs those of us who tutored them! Guess which ones got invited to parties . . . It is super depressing that the same situation seems prevalent in an adult kehilla!

Anyone else in this boat?

amother

Honeydew

Sun, May 17 2015, 11:11 am

Yes, I feel like you. We are always hosting, and any time someone invites us, we always have them back within a couple months. I can think off the top of my head at least 10 families who "owe us" a meal. I know that most of my friends work full time and it's hard for them to host, but it would be nice to have invites more often.

amother

Lavender

Sun, May 17 2015, 11:30 am

Do you have well behaved children? Do they sit nicely at the table? We "owe" many invites and I don't want to reciprocate because of the children. I enjoy the parent's company and I don't care what they do in their own house, but my house is not a playground.

amother

Tangerine

Sun, May 17 2015, 11:55 am

I don't know why, but I find it super super stressful to invite and host guests over for a shabbos meal. I love the idea of it and I wish it weren't so stressful for me. The few times I've done it (even when it's close family and friends that I'm inviting over), I had anxiety all week. I feel so much pressure to entertain. I hate shopping and cooking which adds to the stress. I'd prefer to socialize with people and get together in the afternoons and not for meals. I also hesitate to go to people for meals because I know I will have to invite them back. It's a big burden for me. And it takes me a lot of courage to do it. I wish it wasn't this way. But realize it doesn't come easy for everyone.

Dolly Welsh

Sun, May 17 2015, 12:22 pm

That, and you may be giving out a vibe of loving the role of hostess so much that you define yourself that way.

It may be hard to see you any other way. It may be hard to imagine you in any other role, the role of guest. People pick up vibes.

So yes, plainly ask for what you want.

MountainRose

Sun, May 17 2015, 12:27 pm

We have two kids, and they're not angels (what kids are?), but everyone we invite has kids around the same age, many of whom are much more boisterous than my kids.
When my kids were younger I used to make DH call up to invite ourselves over to places (I never worked up the temerity), but we we usually shot down. Now that they are older, I don't want to assume we're all welcome somewhere the way I could when we were just a couple with a sleeping baby.

Jeanette

Sun, May 17 2015, 1:00 pm

The best is not to keep track. People have all sorts of personal reasons why they don't feel comfortable inviting. Maybe their house isn't as well kept as yours or they're not up to serving as nice a meal as you. Or as a PP said they don't like having little children running through their home. If you feel you need a break, call a close friend and let her know. Or suggest splitting a YT meal at her house. But if what's bothering you is that you're not popular enough, the best thing to do is just drop it. Obviously people like you or they wouldnt' accept your invitations.

zaq

Sun, May 17 2015, 1:02 pm

Dolly Welsh wrote:

What Dolly said.

If people have no shame inviting themselves to you, you need have no shame returning the favor.

amother

Pewter

Sun, May 17 2015, 1:17 pm

UNfortunately, we're in the same boat. My dh was just looking at our calendar and we haven't been invited out since sukkos, despite hosting a lot. It's weird and I don't know why, but it's really depressing. There are so many people, "who just have to have us." It's so frustrating. I have no answers, but I really feel for you. Unfortunately, you're not alone.

Simple1

Sun, May 17 2015, 4:25 pm

I've seen what Dolly is talking about. Some people give the "competent hostess" vibes. Some people feel intimidated to host them over, and assume they don't want invitations anyway.

So it doesn't necessarily mean that you're unpopular - on the contrary, they wouldn't accept the invitation if they didn't like your company.

amother

Mistyrose

Sun, May 17 2015, 4:35 pm

amother wrote:

Do you have kids?

amother

Sapphire

Sun, May 17 2015, 4:59 pm

I feel like I am in the opposite place - we don't have kids yet, going through infertility, and I am nervous to have people over with small children because I am not sure how to cater for their food needs, or ensure my home is child proof, or that dh, who was brought up in a totally repressed environment where children were not allowed to play or do anything except sit nicely and smile sweetly, will not cope with it.

He is learning with my many sibling's children and is great with them, but may get a bit anxious inside.

Plus I am working full time and tbh it is all I can do to pull meals together for the two of us and I can't get my head round hosting and planning a big meal for anyone else.

But if you live in NW London (GG/Hendon), when I get myself together iyh in the next few months I will issue an invite especially for you!

imasinger

Sun, May 17 2015, 6:29 pm

The difference between popularity in the adult world and in high school is that, as mature adults, we have the ability to evaluate the factors and decide if we want things to change. Sometimes, we even have close enough friends that we can check out our perceptions, and they will give us an honest answer.

I have challenging kids, and if I accept an invitation from you, know that it means I think you are really special, and able to deal with us. Generally, we don't eat out.

We like to host, and I'm sure we give off "host vibes".

But when I do want to eat out, I might call several friends who enjoy being with us, and see who is up to inviting us. I wouldn't just wait for one, unless that first phone call got an immediate and enthusiastic yes. If we got two invitations out of the deal, I'd just space them in a way that worked for everyone.

And, FWIW, my favorite repeat guests know that I appreciate it if they let me know when they would like an invitation. Even if I say no sometimes, they feel free to suggest an alternative if/when I ask.

Maya

Sun, May 17 2015, 6:34 pm

I never realized there was a give-and-take rule in hosting. It doesn't apply to us since we have exactly two friends where we live, and we don't play by this rule. I'd imagine that the middle-to-older aged couples from shul who have invited us don't expect an invitation to come back, or do they?