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Feels like I'm still in high school!!
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Bitachon101




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 17 2015, 9:52 pm
Wow, am I missing something? Are ppl supposed to be invited out for meals and if not they are low on the popularity pole? Darn, I guess I'm just not popular, um we got invited out a total of... Um... Wait. We didn't. Unless the shvigger counts.
Truth is I totally am with tangerine amother that shopping and cooking etc and meal entertaining for guests stresses the guts out of me (I even told a kiruv minded guy I was dating that I think he should marry someone else cuz I wouldn't be able to be the kiruv wife he wants with the meal and guest stress!)
I have invited single guests before that needed a place for shab but in my neighborhood I don't even know if ppl eat out at eachother, we surely never have and I never assumed it was a lack of popularity.
Honestly most ppl probably don't know you want to be in on their invite list especially because u are such a balabusta and love having company. They prob look at you as an amazing family always wanting to host and don't even think that you have any consideration to go elsewhere.
I saw a brave facebook post recently that someone posted that they are open for invitations for 2 meals if anyone wants to invite them. I thought it was a great way to let friends know you are open and don't only plan to be a host.
Hope u send the msg out to all ur friends and start getting booked up! Wink
Maybe one day I'll move somewhere that invitations to meals will be a thing (if I make it on the popularity list)
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 17 2015, 10:21 pm
Simple1 wrote:
I've seen what Dolly is talking about. Some people give the "competent hostess" vibes. Some people feel intimidated to host them over, and assume they don't want invitations anyway.

So it doesn't necessarily mean that you're unpopular - on the contrary, they wouldn't accept the invitation if they didn't like your company.


Yep. This sounds like a neighbor of mine. You and your group of seventeen Spanish-speaking tourists from Mexico City are stranded here over Shabbos due to a blizzard? No problema, come on down, amigos. (Shmulik, here's money, go to ShopFair and get me thirty packages of chicken cutlets and forty pounds of rice. Take the sled. Miri, get the vacuum cleaner and start blowing up the air mattresses. Hesh, don't bother putting the extra Pavlovas and stuffed artichokes in the freezer--we're gonna need them. Susu, get the new sheet sets down from the linen closet.) As if by magic she will produce a full -course gourmet Shabbos spread in an hour. She is always so competent and calm that no one imagines she could possibly need or want help, and anyone who is just a plain ordinary cook is either afraid or embarrassed to invite her. They don't understand that it's not about the food.
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oliveoil




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 17 2015, 10:39 pm
Maya wrote:
I'd imagine that the middle-to-older aged couples from shul who have invited us don't expect an invitation to come back, or do they?


Why would you assume that?
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 17 2015, 10:47 pm
oliveoil wrote:
Why would you assume that?


As one half of one of those nice middle-aged couples from shul, I will say that I don't expect an invite because in all the years only one young couple has ever reciprocated. Which is not to say that we would not appreciate an invite if we'd had someone over numerous times.
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mandr




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, May 17 2015, 11:54 pm
And we're always looking for guests! I can't just host anyone because we have a small apartment and no room for anyone to sleep over, so we can only have really local guests. Now in the summertime when Friday night meals are late we would love to have couples over but everyone we know has little kids and they want to put them to bed on time (my baby also goes to bed before the meal). I don't like going out too much for meals, but if we get to sleep at home then it makes it much easier on us!
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imaima




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 18 2015, 12:45 am
Maya wrote:
I never realized there was a give-and-take rule in hosting. It doesn't apply to us since we have exactly two friends where we live, and we don't play by this rule. I'd imagine that the middle-to-older aged couples from shul who have invited us don't expect an invitation to come back, or do they?


Why in the world not? We invite people of all ages.
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 18 2015, 1:08 am
MountainRose wrote:
... B'H we have guests every shabbos lunch, and every lunch of chag. The scramble gets really stressful, so I will book guests in months in advance, and we are usually up for more.

DH thinks this is why we never get invited out, because I usually have guests booked in. But I can't actually remember the last time we were invited out. I certainly can't remember turning anyone down!

This to me seems like the most obvious reason you are not invited out. You are already booked. You already have a strong reputation as the perenneal hostess, so nobody bothers to ask you out anymore.

Maybe reduce your advance-booked hosting efforts over the next few months and see what happens.

BTW -- many people advised you to just ask others for an invitation. Am I the only one here who would feel weird about doing this?
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 18 2015, 1:15 am
BTW -- many people advised you to just ask others for an invitation. Am I the only one here who would feel weird about doing this?[/quote]
I would only do that with immediate family. I will invite friends to potluck but I wouldn't invite myself for a meal unless it was an emergency( or if my husband went out of town I would hint to a very good friend that I could use some company or be invited).

To the OP, we definitely host more than we get hosted. I have tried to accept it but I do think it's rude for people not to reciprocate but maybe they don't think it is? I don't really get it
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mommydiaries




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 18 2015, 7:53 am
If you have "rambunctious" children, then that's probably the reason.
When my kids were really little I didn't even accept invites because it was too stressful to try to keep them from tearing up the place!

If I see that I am hosting someone and they don't reciprocate, I try to discern if it is just me, or if they don't host in general. If they don't host then it's nothing personal. If they are hosting others then I might re-evaluate that friendship.

I really like inviting a families over for dessert! You get to hang out, but not have to go crazy with cooking.

I also have friends who I feel comfortable doing Shabbos potluck style. I think people are more likely to invite guests if the people they invite help them with the meal.
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Maya




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 18 2015, 9:44 am
oliveoil wrote:
Why would you assume that?

I figured they have their own large families of children and grandchildren, and... I don't know. I guess you're making me rethink that opinion?
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amother
Turquoise


 

Post Mon, May 18 2015, 9:51 am
I'm in my low thirties- we've "invited" middle aged pple- the responses were mixed- yeah there was the husband who likes staying and any invitation is turned in to "come to us" or the family who was just like you live in a walk up (we did at the time) its easier if you come to us, or the people who don't use the eiruv .... but then there was the family who walked longer then many people would because they were just sooo excited to be invited out. The dh had told my husband that after you have a certain amount of kids people just don't invite you so my dh said if we invite you will you come Wink and so they came- we were thrilled! or the lady who has the spotless housw and the gourmet food so yes I was intimidated, who thought I was inviting myself to her and took her a moment to realize- wow she was actually being invited out! she was also super excited Smile
don't get any ideas, we don't have company so often because I find it stressful, my dh wishes we would though.
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imaima




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 18 2015, 9:54 am
Maya wrote:
I figured they have their own large families of children and grandchildren, and... I don't know. I guess you're making me rethink that opinion?


We have older couples whose children and grandchildren live away from them, and they really miss having little kids around. They love to come and get naches from our children.
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amother
Vermilion


 

Post Mon, May 18 2015, 10:52 am
I totally hear you and am in a similar boat. I have been inviting people for Shavuos (I was a little late in getting started) and I can't tell you how many, "Sorry, we're already completely booked" responses I got. And I'm like, "Oh, we haven't been invited out for a single meal." (Not that I said that to anyone, but that's my thought.) And it does kinda feel bad - like, why are all these people (some of them with MORE kids than we have) invited ALL THE TIME and we are very rarely invited. Especially since we do reciprocate and host VERY regularly and get feedback that people love coming to us. And I would not feel comfortable inviting ourselves out - the only time I've done that is when my husband was going to be out of town and I was going to be alone.

Anyway, I don't have any answers for you except that it's not just you. I don't know what the formula is, or what gets some people more invites than others. But I get it.
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oliveoil




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 18 2015, 11:07 am
DrMom wrote:


BTW -- many people advised you to just ask others for an invitation. Am I the only one here who would feel weird about doing this?


Definitely not the only one!
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justcallmeima




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 18 2015, 12:01 pm
If you let go of the thought that "other people should invite us", wouldn't life be so much less High School like? I can't imagine thinking that other people should be inviting me. Then every time I wasn't invited I would feel bad. It's just completely not on my radar.
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imaima




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 18 2015, 12:28 pm
justcallmeima wrote:
If you let go of the thought that "other people should invite us", wouldn't life be so much less High School like? I can't imagine thinking that other people should be inviting me. Then every time I wasn't invited I would feel bad. It's just completely not on my radar.


This. I don't keep track of my guests inviting us back and I couldn't invite everyone who hosts us. Like if a family with 7 kids invited us I cqnnot invite them back because I have no sitting space. At zhe same time I know a young family will probably not host us either.
For some people, every piece of meat counts and they can't afford guests.
It is not always tit for tat.
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wiki




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 18 2015, 12:47 pm
DrMom wrote:
BTW -- many people advised you to just ask others for an invitation. Am I the only one here who would feel weird about doing this?


Definitely seems against The Code to me as well. The only times I've invited ourselves out for a meal was when we were in the middle of moving, or returning from travel on Friday.

To OP, is it possible that the meals you host are fancier/more formal/more dishes than your neighbors can replicate? This might intimidate them against having you over.
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ven




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, May 18 2015, 4:24 pm
I would not feel hurt OP , Some people like to be invited out more than doing the work themselves, for obvious reasons that it is just easier. And some will say we are fully booked because they want to say " no" in a polite way. I would only put energy in people who return the honor and are willing to do the effort.
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