OVERWHELMED!!! | Imamother

amother

Wheat

Tue, May 19 2015, 2:47 pm

I need to vent! I live in Yerushalayim and I don't have any close relatives here. I have not been back to America for Yom Tov for over a year. I work full time and don't have any help. My problem is that I keep getting phone calls to host more and more people for Shavuois. I live in a tiny apartment and ENOUGH is ENOUGH. I CAN'T HANDLE IT ANYMORE!!! When am I supposed to cook for 18 + guests?? Not to mention clean my apartment and do laundry. I cant think about it, Im going crazzy.
Who wants to invite ME????!!!!

vicki

Tue, May 19 2015, 2:50 pm

Please say "Sorry, no. I wish I could, but I can't this year."

amother

Wheat

Tue, May 19 2015, 2:56 pm

Most of them I have to have... Cousins, Mechutanim, Parents Neighbours....
Did I mention I have a teething baby who's up the whole night as well?

justcallmeima

Tue, May 19 2015, 3:02 pm

"No is a complete sentence".

amother

Wheat

Tue, May 19 2015, 3:35 pm

Huh? I have to invite them or they'll be insulted

mommyla

Tue, May 19 2015, 3:40 pm

No, if they're calling to ask for an invitation then you have every right to say no. Sounds like it's too late now, you can't uninvite them. Good luck and next time just say no!

vicki

Tue, May 19 2015, 3:41 pm

Why would they be insulted if you did not invite them for Shavuot?
Is this every year? For sleeping as well?

What am I missing?
I am not insulted if my own mother did not invite me over.

amother

Wheat

Tue, May 19 2015, 3:46 pm

No, Sem girls and Yeshiva boys. They kind of think they have an open invitation whenever they want to come.... I've had guys calling literally an hour before shabbos asking if they can come....

grace413

Tue, May 19 2015, 3:47 pm

amother wrote:

Huh? I have to invite them or they'll be insulted

So let them be insulted. Why should you be a shmatte? At least let guests bring some of the food.

amother

Wheat

Tue, May 19 2015, 3:49 pm

I've said no to a cousin before and she called her mom ( dh's aunt) crying that she doesn't have anywhere to eat. Aunt called MIL and made a big deal about it.
For goodness sake, Im not a restaurant, although some people seem to think I am....
BTW Im Just venting!!!
I truly love having company, it's just getting so overwhelming, not to mention expensive!

amother

Wheat

Tue, May 19 2015, 3:50 pm

grace413 wrote:

So let them be insulted. Why should you be a shmatte? At least let guests bring some of the food.

The girls or the guys lol! Two weeks ago a guy pocketed tissues art my house cuz they were "free"

vicki

Tue, May 19 2015, 3:54 pm

Let me ask you something -
How would you feel if your married daughter was as overwhelmed with perceived obligations as you are? For cousins, neighbors, students to come over? And up all night with an infant? Would you tell her to find a way to do it all? Would you encourage her to find a kind way to say "it's just not possible"?

amother

Wheat

Tue, May 19 2015, 4:01 pm

My mother would understand but not my MIL. My MIL is a Kiruv Rebbitzen and has many guests every week. Which is why I feel the pressure. DH thinks its a normal thing and im just not used to it

Lani22

Tue, May 19 2015, 4:14 pm

Bc you feel you cannot say no then just make it as easy as possible for yourself and ask your husband to help. Make very simple easy meals. Example shavuous menu- challah, bought dips and israeli salad, baked ziti, corn on the cob, cabbage salad , whole fruits and bought ice cream for dessert.

Vanilla

Tue, May 19 2015, 8:27 pm

yes, make it very simple;don't try to impress. For one meal, you might set it up buffet style. Pile up assorted bakery rolls/bagels, cream cheese, tuna, egg salad, potato salad, pasta salad, vegetable platter, ice coffee. Cheap, easy and space efficient!

good times

Tue, May 19 2015, 9:15 pm

Why not just tell relatives your situation and offer to help them find another place to eat?

ohsleepy1

Tue, May 19 2015, 9:37 pm

If you've already invited so many people and can't uninvite them, why don't you ask each to bring 1 dish and have them do most the work for you? For example, you make/buy challah, one easy main, & one easy side. Have a family bring fish, a family bring a main (chicken or pasta dish like baked ziti depending on fleishig or milchig), each sem/yeshiva student bring dips, a salad/kugel, ice cream, etc. If you have a large family coming, have them bring something expensive like a cheesecake. When I was in sem 10+ years ago I always asked what to bring and was usually told "nothing" so I brought candy for dessert or flowers. I wish they would have told me something helpful they needed for the meal so I could feel like I could contribute! I also had no family to go to so I hear where they're coming from - I too used to ask 1 or 2 families I knew well if I could go to them for a meal (not sleeping) several days before shabbos and if they said no I just stayed in my dorm and had grape juice, challah, and cold cuts alone. Happened many many times. The worst part about being in Israel! BUT, I gladly helped out (watching kids, preparing the meal, setting/cleaning table, serving food) every time I went to a meal because I appreciated it so much! And I would have gladly contributed to the cost of the meal (by buying something useful the host wouldve bought anyway - a specific expensive dessert, a certain bottle of wine, a bunch of dips) had they told me exactly what to bring. I didn't have an oven so I couldn't cook/bake anything but I was happy to do other stuff. I was just so happy to have a place to go I didn't care....
Can you consolidate your eating company into 1 or 2 meals? So you have a few small quiet meals instead of guests every meal? Sometimes that's less overwhelming. Also, schedule your company for 2nd night/2nd day so that you can relax and regain some energy the first day before you're going to entertain. Definitely use plastic tablecloths and paper goods!! No way to washing all that stuff. Just some thoughts.....

imasinger

Tue, May 19 2015, 10:24 pm

What is your DH doing to help?

If your MIL is an old hand at this, how about calling her and telling her how you are feeling? Not to send her away, but to get advice.

I bet she has lots of good ideas, and can help you calm down. And I bet she'll pitch in, too.

chanzy65

Tue, May 19 2015, 10:27 pm

I know it's hard to say "no", especially if people are used to hearing "yes", but it's important to take care of yourself as well.
Good luck!

chani8

Wed, May 20 2015, 4:39 am

Really? If you aren't invited, you get insulted?

Never thought of it that way.

More like, "I wasn't invited. I wonder why? Oh, she doesn't want so many guests, but everything is fine in our relationship, it wasn't personal. That's fine. A teething baby, too. Wow. I totally understand."