OVERWHELMED!!! | Imamother

Sanguine

Wed, May 20 2015, 7:57 am

amother wrote:

No, Sem girls and Yeshiva boys. They kind of think they have an open invitation whenever they want to come.... I've had guys calling literally an hour before shabbos asking if they can come....

It's a scam. Schools charge $20,000 to come learn for the year and then they don't even feed the kids on Shabbat (the most expensive meals).

"We want you to experience Shabbat all over Israel" = "We want you to mooch meals off of other people so we don't have to feed you"

Get your name off of those school's lists of people to call.

It's expensive to feed all those people. Go heavy on the noodle dishes and the potatoes. Soup is cheap and filling too. (I have a quick Tomato-rice soup that I cook during Shul on Shavuot/2 day Chag night. If you have a fire at night and your urn is filled with boiling water from Shabbat, this soup takes 2 minutes to put together and will be ready to eat)

The funniest thing is when an American kid calls and calls me "Mrs. So-and-so". (it always confuses me LOL

)

and be happy it's only 2 days here Very Happy

amother

Wheat

Wed, May 20 2015, 9:33 am

I keep two days of yt even though I live in Israel. We are moving back in another year or two. own property in LKWD. We are not having any couples just the Sem Girls and Boys - separate meals of course....
My real problem might be not knowing how to say no. Oh and rubbing myself thin to make sure everyone on the table will like something. Some of them are picky eaters.

Sanguine

Wed, May 20 2015, 9:54 am

Ahhh. I bet you're getting a lot of kids on the second day cause most people in Israel keep only one. Why don't you call the schools that keep sending you kids (they're getting your number from somewhere) and telll them that you're happy to host (especially the second day) but you really can't afford to keep feeding so many kids (especially since the school is the one who gets the $20,000 tuition) and they should send you 50 shekel (or whatever) to cover each kid's meal and you will provide the Israeli Avira that they want the kids to get. Then you can take the money to buy quiches, kugels, dessert, salads, shredded cabbage...

The kids might not even realize that they're taking advantage of you (except the boy who stole the tissues). But the school certainly knows exactly what they're doing by sending kids out for Shabbat meals.

BTW - Aren't all boys in Yeshiva for Shavuot? That's what all us Israeli parents complain about. High School and Post HS boys are never home for any of the Chagim.

mummiedearest

Wed, May 20 2015, 10:36 am

from now on, anyone who calls is welcome to come, provided they also come two days in advance to help you get ready for chag. I think that's fair. they can clean your house, help with laundry, menu plan, cook, etc. no reason not to agree to this. and since they want to experience various occasions all over israel, they can also experience prep for these occasions, including sponga, cooking in an israeli kitchen (who knows if it's different than their home kitchens), checking produce with israeli guidelines, etc. anyone who complains can find a different place to eat. you're not superwoman.

Lani22

Wed, May 20 2015, 10:50 am

Just as a side note I also think it's totally not right that schools send students out for shabbat and Yom tov meals. When I was in seminary I quickly realized how I was imposing on israeli families who really did not have the spare money to host. After a few weeks my friends and I convinced our school to provide us with basic shabbas meals so we could stay in the dorm for shabbas. Honestly this made my yr so much more enjoyable. I didn't have the stress of finding meals for shabbas and we got the "experience" of spending time with families by doing chesed for them.... (babysitting, helping with organizing and taking kids to the park...)

Shuly

Wed, May 20 2015, 11:58 am

I totally hear you for being overwhelmed! Seems all my friends are feeling this way, even those keeping one day.

To top it off, most of the seminaries are having finals this week, so the seminary girls cancelled their chessed time so they can study. Now we have to host them without even having their help to take the kids out while we cook.

This is what happens every year:

They only start chessed after succos, so we need to host them for rosh hashana, yom kippur and succos, but they can't come help out beforehand.
Most of the girls go home for pesach, so no chessed before pesach either. Chessed is cancelled for those that stay for pesach. (We did make a rule in our house that anyone who wants to come for the seder needs to come help the week before.)
Now, we have to host for Shavuos, but it's finals so they can't help either.

I'm happy to host and we all love having guests, but sometimes there is just not enough time to cook for so many people.
Mothers, please teach your daughters that when they ask to come for yom tov, they should also say: I'm available on X day, can I come help you out that day?

Rhom

Wed, May 20 2015, 12:57 pm

A little off topic but the Chessed girl expectation kills me. Are you paying for help? No? Oh well so you don't get to complain about this. In seminary the lady I did chessed for felt I was hired help clearly dissatisfied if I arrived four minutes late and left early. I had a life. Of course it's nice to help, but the same way you are not obligated to host at any time you dont want, sem girls are not obligated to you.
it is a nice system but irks me when people complain about receiving free help. Just say thanks for when you get it or hire help.

rain

Wed, May 20 2015, 1:21 pm

Rhom wrote:

I totally agree! I began the year with a specific family and I was so miserable I switched! The lady had many kids who were quite a handful. I understand she was stressed and tired. But she treated me and my friend like maids! When we arrived she literally sat down on the couch and bossed us around for three hours. She did not even have us interact with the kids! She barked at us to wash her dishes, clean the kitchen, tidy the house all while she sat on the couch.
Now I understand many of you might say she was tired this was the only break she had etc. REGARDLESS this does not justify treating someone who is taking time from their day to help for free badly! There is something so beyond rude about barking orders at someone and leaving dirty dishes in the sink so a volunteer can wash them for you

studying_torah

Wed, May 20 2015, 1:30 pm

it really irks me when a man who has zero idea of what it means to make yom tov and host guests - esp w/ little kids expect you to do it, because their mother or whomever does it. (my fil is this way with me as well). the fact that his mother is a kiruv rebitzen is all fine and good but a) she is doing it for years and has a system in place, b) prob has ppl or older kids to help out, c) prob has no little babies and finally and most crucially- she is not you, and you are not her!
too bad if the kids get insulted, say no. you will be much healthier in the long run. Oh and if you can't back out now, then only simple meals. they are picky- tough luck! who ever took into consideration what I liked or didn't like when I was invited over in sem?! no one.

out-of-towner

Wed, May 20 2015, 1:59 pm

Firstly, DON'T DRIVE YOURSELF CRAZY TO CATER TO PICKY EATERS! If they are picky, that is their own problem and they can go back and have a snack in the dorm after the meal. I've had guys call me at the last minute on Erev Shabbos for a meal and if they do that, they know that they are coming to a very simple meal. I don't prepare a ton of food if I'm not planning for guests, so if I have guys over at the last minute, I am not embarrassed to serve chicken salad and kugel because that is what I had planned.

Secondly, ask the girls if they don't mind coming over to help you for an hour or two. You don't have to subject them to salve labor, just even to hold your baby so you can get a little work done.

Thirdly, tell your DH that if he expects you to have people over, he also needs to pull his weight to make that happen. Either to take care of the kids so you can cook, or to help cook, shop or whatever. Or give you the $$$ to buy takeout.

Finally, as for a cousin complaining to her mother that you said no to her request to come over, please DON'T feel guilty. Your DH's aunt should have had a bit of Sechel before complaining to your MIL. Maybe you said no because that night was Mikva night. Or because of Shalom Bayis issues between you and your husband. Your aunt should know better than to complain to your MIL. You are not being paid to have your cousin over for meals, so it is not your responsibility. Full stop.

November

Wed, May 20 2015, 5:05 pm

I'd say to designate 3 meals for guests and 3 for alone/quiet/rest time. Then decide how many guests you are comfortable having at a meal. Is it 2? 4? 6? Then once those quotas are full, you say "Sorry, I'd really love to have you but we're booked up. How about another time? " When I've done this, the typical response has been "okay sure. Thanks anyway. " Your wellbeing and sanity must be your first priority.

Shuly

Thu, May 21 2015, 8:40 am

About the chessed help.
The rest of the year, it's very nice and appreciated, but not expected. What is not fair is to ask a family to host a bunch of girls for yom tov and tell them, but we can't help you because we have finals/it's vacation/chessed didn't start yet.

(By the way, I am the easiest chessed family ever. My chessed girls tell me so. In the past 3 years, I had 2 girls who switched to me from other families that were taking advantage of them. So I definitely agree that no one should take advantage of chessed girls, but that wasn't the point I was trying to make.)

The point is that when a girl calls to ask to come with a friend (or 2 or 3), they should offer to help out before yom tov.

Sanguine

Thu, May 21 2015, 10:45 am

Different society - We don't have Chessed Girls. Kids call and come for Shabbat and help when they're here (if they're nice), but we don't rely on "Chessed Girls" for anything (also, we're an hour and a half from Yerushalyim - I don't want these girls moving in on Thursday to help). The kids in the neighborhood volunteer when needed. For example - Once I was laid up in bed for a few weeks and there were three teens who rotated days picking up my kids from gan and entertaining them till DH got home. Or, there's a single father here with two special needs kids. The teens (boys too for his son) are all set up to take his kids Shabbat afternoon or on school holidays when he has to work. When someone needs help (just had triplets...) the teens jump in to help. But I don't expect regular volunteer help. Now my kids are teens and plus so they're my "volunteers" (when I can find them). They volunteer so much for different things that sometime I say "When's my turn?" But once they were little and DH was my "volunteer" or we paid for help or we just didn't do whatever was too much for us to handle.

So is this the idea? - Overextend yourself and then rely on Chessed Girls? I would resent it too.

November

Thu, May 21 2015, 11:03 am

We've has lots of Sem girls for either meals or to stay over for all of shabbos. I never asked them to come to help beforehand. I consider them my guests and treat them as such. On occasion, when I've been in a situation and needed help (baking for a simcha, for example) , I've called one or 2 of the girls that I know better and asked for specific help. Not much different than I'd do with a friend.

cityofgold

Thu, May 21 2015, 12:49 pm

I've asked sleepover guests (sem girls) to comes bit early to help. The extra hour or two really helps before yom tov, and they seem happy to help. When I was in seminary, I liked helping out. I made it feel less like what it is, which is relying on other people 's kindness for so many needs.

I also often say to girls, "I'd love to host you! Would you mind please bringing your own linen? It's really a huge help for me."

One point: many young Anglo couples in yerushalayim get asked to host girls/bochurim all.the.time. What often happens is that while you continue to host, you have a more relaxed hosting standard. Of course things are still nice and presentable, but it's just not the same as when you host guest sleepover guests once every three months (if that ).

So yes, we do sometimes ask for help. But you know what? I have a friend who was in Israel as a single for 3 years before moving to an OOT community in America for college. And she said she always had invitations in Israel and barely ever gets where she is now. That might just be the community she is in,but I'm just saying that we don't have it all wrong.

Sanguine

Thu, May 21 2015, 1:39 pm

Shuly wrote:

I got a call from another seminary today asking me to host 2 girls!

See, that's the problem. Is it the Seminaries and Yeshivot that request (or give the kids your number)? It is a nice thing for kids to go to Israeli families and experience Shabbat at people who live here, but it's totally wrong that these programs have Shabbat meals = $0 in their budget. If it's just a few times in the year people don't mind paying for the food when they host, but you're not doing Chesed by having these "poor" Seminary/Yeshiva kids over. You're subsidizing the budgets of these schools (and they take plenty of money).

I think all these young anglo couples should get together and approach the schools and set a standard (50 shekel?) for each student they send for Shabbat. If they think that's too much, let them try to feed a teenage boy for 25 shekel a meal (they can with cheap food but we are talking Shabbat meals - you have seudat Shlishit too)

I will give you an example from DL Yeshivot. Israeli boys pay 1,000 Shekel/month (and that's high). American boys pay $2,000/month (often in the same Yeshiva). So don't you think the Yeshivot can pay for Shabbat meals?

OP is overwhelmed cause these schools are taking advantage of her. If they would pay for meals she'd be able to hire some help or buy somewhat prepared food - whatever help she needs in order to host these parties every week.