Work in small office with male boss

amother

Brown

Wed, May 20 2015, 11:05 am

I don't want to make this too detailed-but basically I am an office manager of a company-and work full time. Most of the hours of the day I sit in a small office with my male boss. He is a very frum really really nice guy. Like a HUGE mentch. For some hours another girl is here with me-so then it is us two and him. He is very not boss type-like doesn't make demands etc, and he has a lot of appreciation for the work I do (as I really manage the whole business). I am a very outgoing, sociable person and I like to talk-so we would schmooze a lot of the day-about work and about personal.

A while ago I realized that it's getting out of hand-(at that point we were texting also-really only about business)-and I said something to him. It was super awkward-but he understood what I was saying-and we stopped texting-and the atmosphere in the office was really uncomfortable for a few days. But then I couldn't' handle it so I basically ruined it and talked through the whole issue with him-and we continued to schmooze in the office. (the texting stopped).

Last week I realized that its getting REALLY out of hand again-so I told him that we need a 2nd office for men or I'm going to have to leave (I said it a lot nicer-but he got the point). He is trying to work that out-(its a lot more complicated [has to talk to others]-especially because he doesn't want anyone to think it was worse than it really was) But anyway now he is trying not to come in-and when he does come in-he feels SOOOO uncomfortable-that I end up saying stupid stuff b/c I feel SO bad. I'm really nervous I'm going to mess up like I already did-and say too much and then its going to go right back. Anyone have any advice?

vicki

Wed, May 20 2015, 11:27 am

Don't mean to minimize the difficulty of your situation but my advice would be to just control yourself more. Don't use your boss as your sounding board. Don't discuss personal things unless it is something like needing time off for a sick child. Never discuss your feelings specifically about your relationship with your boss.
Stop shmoozing with him. It's not appropriate for the workplace and it's not professional. You can smile when you say good morning and go back to your work.
You're not a teenager anymore.

Good luck in sorting it out.

DrMom

Wed, May 20 2015, 11:56 am

I think it would be really awkward and weird to be in a room with another person and never speak to him.

I'm not sure how you should handle your situation. It seems unreasonable to request that he hire an extra unnecessary employee or build a separate office to accommodate you.

Maybe if you are bored you can spend even more time on imamother. Smile

amother

Brown

Wed, May 20 2015, 3:16 pm

OP here.
Vicki-gosh you make it sound like it's sooo easy and simple. Wish it really was-but I guess we have different work experiences.
Kollel wife-thanks-I thought of that-my office is quite small so don't know if its gonna work-but thanks for the suggestion-much appreciated.
Oliveoil-you also make it seem like its super simple-but its really not. He is my boss and he schmoozes too and I don't want to be rude-so even when I try to just concentrate on my work it doesn't always work
Dr.Mom-personally I don't think it is so unreasonable to have them get an office for the men-and I think he realizes that-just the actual logistics make it complicated. LOL about imamother-I am spending more time-and that's why I thought to post this here-but doesn't look like most ppl get it.

Scrabble123

Wed, May 20 2015, 3:56 pm

I worked like that for a while, but it was not a small room - just an office with two separate rooms. We never shmoozed because we were busy doing our own work, and when we spoke it was solely for work purposes. It is definitely manageable even in the same room, but how easy it is has more to do with yourself and your boss than with the actual situation. Your comment about awkward feelings forcing you to speak and say silly things is immature. You should maturely sit down with your boss and develop a way for you to both focus on work and interact appropriately. If the two of you cannot manage that, maybe the job is not for you and you should seek employment elsewhere (that can be as a result of your boss's behavior as well). Good luck.

amother

Ivory

Wed, May 20 2015, 4:03 pm

I work in a similar environment. There are others on the office, but just me and male boss in our particular room. For most of the week, I'm the only female in the office. We schmooze a bit but really not much. I think there needs to be certain sensitivity when working with all males. You have to learn to balance being friendly/polite and staying professional. There's nothing wrong with chatting, but don't get personal. Keep it professional. I think it's SO awkward that you mentioned all this to him. I would've just stopped talking/texting in excess. But I guess it's too late...

November

Wed, May 20 2015, 4:07 pm

I wonder whether you can practice saying some lines that will help you both to establish better boundaries. For instance, when he starts speaking, you say "yeah, that's true. I'm so sorry but I've got a lot of things that I'd better focus on or else I don't know how I'll get them done. " Come up with a few of these kind of "kind brush offs"- something you might say to some guy who is creaping you out by speaking to you too much but you don't want to hurt his feelings. And try to keep your head down and not make too much eye contact. I don't think you should really discuss the "relationship." He's your boss- that's the relationship. Period.

amother

Brown

Wed, May 20 2015, 4:11 pm

DrMom-its a little hard to describe-but like one little room with a few desks-and one of the desks is the bosses desk-that's how it is here-the boss isn't bosslike b/c he is VERY nice. Like always trying to make sure e/o here is happy etc. He isn't inappropriate-just the usual boundaries of boss-worker aren't there. So that's why I had to state something very clearly-and not just like get very busy with my work. Also the business is basically ran by both of us-so we are communicating a lot about business-and its easy for it to turn personal.

Scrabble123-just by the fact that you had 2 seperate rooms is a solution for me-that is what I feel we need to make this become more appropriate. I agree that saying stupid stuff is immature-so I am trying to work on that-I think it's coming from the fact that he is always trying to make sure e/o here is happy so its weird to see him so uncomfortable-but I agree that feeling is misplaced.

finallyamommy

Wed, May 20 2015, 6:43 pm

Something I'm not clear about - is this male boss a frum Jew? If not, I think there's not much you can do but let it be awkward, but if so, he really should be able to understand, and I do agree with putting up a partition and/or just being more business-like and concentrating more on work and less on chatting.

Dolly Welsh

Wed, May 20 2015, 6:49 pm

He is a frum Jew.

OP, angle your desk differently.

Dress very down. Long skirt, lots of tops and tunics, no fabulous wig. Chill the makeup to "looks normal" not "looks adorable". Get the redness out of your face. No eye emphasis either.

Wear sensible shoes.

Control your tongue.

No texting.

You are bored stiff. You may need to do something else.

mysunshine

Wed, May 20 2015, 11:17 pm

tell me: does ur husband know about your feelings, is he be ok with you being there. How about your boss's wife, put yourself in her shoes. You wouldn't want your husband chatting with another woman. I feel like for so many years (being in yeshiva) we have been isolated from male population that when married it became kind 'ok' to talk to them makes it awkward. If you don't feel right- its a red flag. Parnasa is important but shalom bayis is even more.
Personal opinion from super sensitive on this topic.

abemom2

Thu, May 21 2015, 2:08 pm

I would recommend speaking with a Rov as well. Halachically speaking- it isn't always so simple. The reasons for the halachos, are specifically to prevent too much casualness. If you're feeling uncomfortable, then some change is definitely needed. I did once work in an office with a male frum boss, but we were in separate rooms, and had enough windows - ground level, and open doors... (I did speak with a Rov before starting to work there.)