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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Shavuos
Yom Tov Loneliness
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chanzy65




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 20 2015, 11:41 pm
Am I the only person who dreads Yom Tov? I can hardly remember the last time I looked forward to it. It's hard to keep the smile pasted on when one doesn't really belong anywhere. I moved to a new neighborhood where I don't know people. I used to stay home and go out for some of the meals. Now if I stay home, there's nowhere to go. The next choice is to stay in the old neighborhood. Three days - 6/7 meals to scrounge around for. Not a really great feeling of belonging.
If I'm the only person who feels this way, then I must really be nuts.
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heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 20 2015, 11:45 pm
OP, I know how you feel-- I lived that way for five years in a super snobby neighborhood where I had no family.
Maybe invite one of the nice people in the neighborhood (even in mine there were a few decent souls) for a meal, or share a meal with a neighbor? Take the initiative and don't wait for invitations. Other than that, the only advice I have is to take all this yomtov and focus on being with your immediate family. Maybe buy some new games to play with kids (if you have) or buy a new book for yourself. Try to focus on the gift of three days with no work/school.
It is really hard.
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good times




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 20 2015, 11:45 pm
I used to feel this way. now I've learned to go to kiddushs and invite guests for some meals so I don't feel lonesome. I also pick up my kids from playdates and go for walks. This way I have some quiet time but also some time for social interactions. hope this is helpful.
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chanzy65




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, May 20 2015, 11:53 pm
I guess it was easier when I still had kids at home. Now it's just me. When I stay home for Shabbos, I don't see anyone or speak to anyone the entire time. Sometimes I talk to myself just to hear someone. Tough times, but thanx for the support.
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Wed, May 20 2015, 11:54 pm
I really feel for you and that sounds so tough. before I was married.I experienced such loneliness because my family is very small and I am the youngest and only one at home. my mother struggles with. loneliness too as my parents live in brooklyn and have no family and very few friends/sense of community. it is hard but please appreciate the blessings you have- if you have a husband and children bh you are so so fortunate. make it special for your kids - buy them extra yom tov books, go to library and get your favorite books, try to go to shul, take a fmily walk by a beautiful park. is there a family friend or couple you can invite next time to sleep by you, or some family? how about someone who has less than you ie a single, widow or divorcee who surely has it harder? when you give to others u become truly happy instead of waiting to get
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chanzy65




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 21 2015, 12:01 am
Those are good ideas, but unfortunately, I am the single parent that used to get invited out. I am definitely not in a position to invite others to me. My living arrangements aren't too great right now. For my case, I am thankful that I do not have a husband anymore. I am thankful for my children and grandchildren, but I cannot spend Yom Tov with them. Maybe going to shul would help; maybe people would get to know me.
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amother
Teal


 

Post Thu, May 21 2015, 12:26 am
chanzy65 wrote:
Those are good ideas, but unfortunately, I am the single parent that used to get invited out. I am definitely not in a position to invite others to me. My living arrangements aren't too great right now. For my case, I am thankful that I do not have a husband anymore. I am thankful for my children and grandchildren, but I cannot spend Yom Tov with them. Maybe going to shul would help; maybe people would get to know me.


I can only commiserate with you, and tell you this is a sad constant me with. When I was with DH, we were invited everywhere together. Now, no invites. Well, DH gets invites but I do not. (Which I've come to see is pretty par for the course in both frum, secular, and non-Jewish communities--I cannot tell you how many single women I know who are alone from Friday to Monday morning. I am in NYC, if that gives you an idea of where I'm coming from.)

I am not near any family, and most friends have moved to the suburbs.

I will leave the TV on, often, and try not to feel sorry for myself. I no longer do a big Shabbos just for me because it feels lousy to do so and eat alone.

I'm fine with DH no longer being here. I'm not fine that there are no invites. Wine helps.
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OneSource




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 21 2015, 8:30 am
I'm sorry for your situation. I wish I could invite you for a meal myself! I live in Brooklyn though so that's probably too far for you to walk. I know a wonderful lady (a relative through marriage actually) who is divorced but makes a point to invite LOADS of people every shabbos and yom tov, of all different religious backgrounds, single, married and divorced, both with and w/o children, so no one ever has to be alone over a chag or shabbos. Surely there must be people near you who do the same? We love going to her home for a meal because we meet the greatest people who really enhance a meal. Maybe going to shul will help you meet people? Or maybe try speaking to the Rav's wife about how you feel? Good luck and chag sameach!
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vicki




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 21 2015, 8:56 am
chanzy65 - that sounds so difficult. I would recommend that you make it a point to get out. You suggested going to shul. Yes. Go for a walk where you might see community people. Even the afternoon park if some moms/grandmoms go to one Shabbat or Yom Tov afternoon.
If you stay home nothing new will happen. If you go out, well, you never know. At least it is a change of scenery and the adrenalin gets pumping, perhaps keeping depression at bay.
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 21 2015, 9:45 am
Is there anyone in your new community that can be contacted and made aware of your presence and needs? Going to shul and hoping to be noticed may not be enough. Don't be shy, be your own advocate. Nobody wants you sitting home alone.

If you opt to go back to your old neighborhood, just know you are an honored member of the Klal, and asking to join people for meals is not scrounging. Keep asking, in both places, until you get your needs met.

You are a Jewish woman , a grandmother, who raised jewish children, and you deserve honor, respect and hospitality. Believe it and expect it and find it.

And if you stay home alone, which I would understand because I'm talking a big talk but I'd be too shy to put myself out there, then remember who you are anyway, and treat yourself like a queen, with fine food and a nice setting and flowers even. Wishing you a happy yom tov.
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doctorima




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 21 2015, 10:22 am
If you're comfortable telling us roughly where in Brooklyn you're located, maybe some imamother's who live in that area will be able to PM you to invite you over for a meal.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 21 2015, 12:10 pm
Welcome to Imamother!
Are there shiurim in your neighborhood? Maybe a really good first night allnighter you can pull?
I hope at this time next week you'll be able to reflect on a yom tov that was more meaningful and enjoyable than you could imagine at this point!
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kollel wife




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 21 2015, 12:37 pm
Can you volunteer for something like bikur cholim - you may get to know others that way. I have a friend (single mother) who does that Shabbos sleeps Shabbos or Yom Tov near a hospital which is uplifting in it's own way, feeling the importance of what you're doing staying with an elderly person or baby in the hospital, even if it's lonely, quietish, not as bad as totally by yourself.
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Scrabble123




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 21 2015, 12:46 pm
Hello, Chanzy! I'm divorced and don't have kids yet. I don't mind being alone so I often spend Shabbos and Yomtov home with me, myself, and I... Still, some tips that may help you are: keep yourself busy, schedule out activities to do (reading, walking, going over to a friend's house in the afternoon), going to shul, relaxing outside if the weather is appropriate, etc. etc. If you do eat home, try to make sure that the meals are normal meals and not just "thrown together because you're alone." Anyways, I hope that you'll have a nice yomtov and that some of my tips will help you!
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 21 2015, 12:47 pm
amother wrote:
I can only commiserate with you, and tell you this is a sad constant me with. When I was with DH, we were invited everywhere together. Now, no invites. Well, DH gets invites but I do not. (Which I've come to see is pretty par for the course in both frum, secular, and non-Jewish communities--I cannot tell you how many single women I know who are alone from Friday to Monday morning. I am in NYC, if that gives you an idea of where I'm coming from.)

I am not near any family, and most friends have moved to the suburbs.

I will leave the TV on, often, and try not to feel sorry for myself. I no longer do a big Shabbos just for me because it feels lousy to do so and eat alone.

I'm fine with DH no longer being here. I'm not fine that there are no invites. Wine helps.


I think one reason men get invited more is simply they more often go to shul and make connections there. Every friday night we have 2 or 3 single or divorced men who my husband invites in shul. Single women rarely go to shul friday night. Plus men might go to a daily minyan.
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Miri7




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 21 2015, 1:57 pm
I might call the rav of your shul and say "well, now my kids are grown, and I'm divorced, so I often find that I'm alone at my shabbos/yom tov table. I would be happy to have occasional guests and get to know more people in the community. Please contact me if you know some people who may be looking for meals, I would hate to think they have no where to go or who to eat with." There may be young families who can't travel home for YT, or whatever...

That should give him the message that you are at home by yourself and looking to connect with others. I would also get involved in reaching out and helping -it will help you build connections if you do bikur cholim, cook meals for new moms, etc. I know that several of the older ladies who so kindly prepared meals after my babies were born then became regular guests at our shabbos table. Before they brought the meal, they were just another face in shul. That chesed provided a connection between us. My MIL knows many ladies in her neighborhood from working with the local jewish food bank.
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amother
Yellow


 

Post Thu, May 21 2015, 5:02 pm
We live in Brooklyn and have no kids so it sometimes gets lonesome too. I never go to shul so a shabbos/yom tov can go by without talking to anyone but my husband (and yes, I realize I am very fortunate to have him and be able to talk to him!) It is still lonely so we try hard to invite people for meals and that really makes it more Yom Tovdik.

I don't know where in Brooklyn you live but if you would like to come for a meal we would be glad to have you. In general it might be a good idea for you to post which areas you are close to as there may be others who are looking to have guests.
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MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, May 21 2015, 5:27 pm
Scrabble123 wrote:
Hello, Chanzy! I'm divorced and don't have kids yet. I don't mind being alone so I often spend Shabbos and Yomtov home with me, myself, and I... Still, some tips that may help you are: keep yourself busy, schedule out activities to do (reading, walking, going over to a friend's house in the afternoon), going to shul, relaxing outside if the weather is appropriate, etc. etc. If you do eat home, try to make sure that the meals are normal meals and not just "thrown together because you're alone." Anyways, I hope that you'll have a nice yomtov and that some of my tips will help you!


Great advice. I live alone and when I'm home by myself for I do the same as if I were having guests, but scale it down. I have flowers, a nicely set table and well planned meals. I will admit to not getting lonely and enjoying my own company. It's a very indulgent time for me, and in many respects easier then the schlep, and arranging petsitting and someone to care for the garden and the driving and not sleeping in my own bed. And it always a good excuse for me to buy another analog book!!
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 22 2015, 2:23 am
I was just thinking, since there are certainly many women in this situation, someone ought to organize a 'divorced women's holiday meal' for those extroverted divorcees who really need 'social'.
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imasoftov




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, May 22 2015, 5:14 am
Maybe there ought to be a worldwide list of shuls where when someone new walks in, people come up and introduce themselves and invite them to a meal ...
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