Hate myself but can't stop yelling :(

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)

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amother

Forestgreen

Mon, Jun 01 2015, 9:30 pm

DD drives me crazy. I keep trying to learn and practice new parenting ideas but she still manages to drive me over the edge. She is so impossibly demanding, "needs" everything her way, and cries/acts out/melts down/etc when it doesn't even when I am actually trying my best to reasonably accommodate her - kal vchomer when I'm actually trying to put my foot down. I think she really has some special needs (waiting on diagnosis results though I doubt it will help any) but the way it comes out just looks like a total spoiled brat who is a pain to live with. And it's not because we spoiled her and raised her to be this way, it's because nothing works on her.

I know my yelling is abusive and destructive. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to not lose myself when it's late and I'm exhausted and she has pushed all my buttons 100 times already and is driving everyone crazy. I'm out of ideas and out of emotional/energy resources. I know it only makes it worse.

I just want to run away. I feel like a monster. Instead of figuring out how to help my kid (I try! but fail. and try and fail and try and fail and nothing works, not even for a little bit) I am just messing her up more by being an awful role model and terrorizing her. I see other parents with difficult kids using different techniques to manage them and I feel like a loser because I just can't, I don't know what they have but I didn't get any. I don't know why God made me this kid's parent.

DH is no better at actually handling her challenges but he doesn't lash out as much. But even though his personality is more even tempered, even he has lost it at her a few times. That's how hard it is and how badly our attempts are failing.

I guess I just needed to vent. And possibly some help to not hate myself, though I feel like I deserve it. And maybe a clue of how anyone else handles these things, though I truly feel hopeless I think even if you tell me how you cope I still won't be able to. I don't lack good ideas, it's just that nothing works and I can't seem to keep them up long enough to matter because it's too hard for me day to day.

imasinger

Mon, Jun 01 2015, 9:58 pm

Hugs. You are not alone.

Try reading "Parenting the Difficult Child: the Nurtured Heart Approach", by Howard Glasser, and "The Explosive Child," by Ross Green.

Once you have a definitive diagnosis, you can probably work with therapists that can help you as well as her.

Hatzlacha!

amother

Forestgreen

Mon, Jun 01 2015, 10:10 pm

I may not have those books but I've read others, it doesn't make a difference, I can't seem to apply anything because I get too frustrated by the bad ruts we're already in.

Do they tell you what to do when it's an hour after you've put them to bed, she insists that she CAN'T fall asleep in her bed and NEEDS to come into your bed where the toddler just fell asleep, you cave in because it's the 15th time and you're too tired to deal with anything anymore and maybe she really will fall asleep better in your bed, but then she comes in and needs this and needs that and NEEDS the pillow that is under the sleeping toddler and you tell her firmly and gently that she may choose any other pillow she wants but nobody else is moving at this point, so she starts to argue and cry and you tell her that the deal was that she could come in for quiet sleeping only and she may either quietly take an available pillow or go back out of the room, so she argues again and cries more and refuses to get out but keeps getting noisier and saying spoiled brat kinds of things like "you never let me have what I want" and "you're making me cry" which she has tried 100 times in the past and gotten zero attention for and all the books say that paying no attention makes behaviors go away but she never got that memo. I was half-asleep myself, I probably should have picked her up and taken her to her own bed by then, and there would have been more screaming and probably hitting and kicking on that route. But instead I just lost it and screamed at her really loud and hard. I'm so ashamed of myself. THEN of course she only got worse so THEN I roused myself and physically dumped her back in her own bed, hysterical. And of course later when she came back out looking for hugs and stuff I had to give them to her because I was such a b*tch and felt so bad. And after all that when I finally led her back to bed again and she said she wanted me to cover her but not with that blanket, the other one, and I said OK fine I'll look for it and the second I leave the room she starts whining that I left her and it's so unfair. Good grief I can't take any more of this spoiled brat behavior! And yes I know she's not a spoiled brat, she has some kind of problem, but it sure feels like living with one and I need to vent Sad

I don't think a diagnosis is going to help, she's still going to be the same person and I already know she has some issue and that doesn't give me the patience and self-control to deal with it. She already gets help in school based on the issues even without a diagnosis, and it's helping in school, but at home things have only gotten worse than ever.

imasinger

Mon, Jun 01 2015, 10:42 pm

That sounds like a tough night.

Have you tried melatonin?

Those two books are extremely helpful. There are many parenting books out there, but not all are created equal, and these are worth the time to read.

Here are more ideas, some from the aforementioned books.

Have you kept careful, objective notes of when and how she loses it, so you are aware of her triggers and your responses?

Have you learned how to do one-on-one time, so as to build her eagerness to connect with you and please you?

Have you learned when and how to use written charts to point to so as to objectify the rules and not have them seem to her like parents' unfair whims of the moment?

Those rules also can give a parent strength in the moment to say, "no, the rules are that you sleep in your own bed." Even when they are exhausted.

Sometimes, if all else fails, the best thing can be consulting with a child psychologist who specializes in dealing with difficult children.

amother

Wine

Mon, Jun 01 2015, 10:56 pm

Hugs. I have a preteen child like that. If you say no to her she explodes. We are working with a psychologist now, but its very hard. Good luck!!!!
There are times each and every day when I wish I can give her to someone else to raise for the next few years. I think if its not your own child you can deal better with such a child. (Sometimes I have to think that way to prevent a bad reaction)

amother

Forestgreen

Mon, Jun 01 2015, 10:57 pm

I have not tried melatonin because this is a chronic problem and I have health concerns. But I have tried other ideas such as massage, aromatherapy, routines, etc.

I have not kept careful notes but I do know there is a pattern/trigger of when she loses it - it's when things don't go her way. Period. Sometimes she is willing to negotiate/compromise but if the adult is not willing to negotiate/compromise then she has a fit. And I believe on principle that the child should learn not to always look for negotiation, sometimes you just need to accept things NOT being your way. I don't go out of my way to do things she doesn't like, quite the opposite, but when it does happen I deliberately do not compromise because I know then I will be stuck with her trying to bargain over everything. Give her an inch, you know.

I don't know about written charts, how many rules can I keep up? I don't have a lot of rules, it's basically be nice, be safe, follow directions. These things happen in situations. Like wanting a pillow that is under a sleeping person's head. That specific whim did't happen before, so where was my rule chart supposed to say "No taking pillows from under sleeping people" or "use only your own pillows"? I think it goes under "listen to Mom" and "If you don't like the heat, get out of the kitchen" (if you don't like the pillows, get out of my bedroom. If the dessert isn't enough for you, skip dessert. Etc. This child is the QUEEN of looking a gift horse in the mouth. and it is NOT because I have encouraged this with attention or giving in EVER. My stance has ALWAYS been "take it or leave it, and if you whine you lose" precisely because I do not want my children being whiny spoiled brats. but that hasn't actually worked. Don't know how anyone else does it.)

I try to sneak in one-on-one time but it's too little for sure, it's very hard because I have a younger child who is always around, DH works long hours, and I work mornings so I can't even do a special day off school or such (and she likes school, she has told me that staying home from school would be a good punishment for a child who misbehaves.)

I just called a child psychologist and left a message asking about phone consultations. I still feel so discouraged and hopeless because no matter what they tell me I know it will be hard to do, and maybe just too hard for me to do. Because I seem to be half the problem. If I could hold myself together better maybe something would work. I'm like a parenting dunce. And I yell. I used to say well at least I don't do it often but I don't know what's going on - lately it's happened like five times in the last couple of weeks as opposed to maybe a couple of times in a year. I'm just losing it. We're in a plummeting downward spiral, I don't know where it started or what is going on but I am just having a harder and harder time coping with her. I have to fight the urge to smack her, and part of my tirade told her she deserved one, and I feel terrible and awful, what a horrible thing for a tiny little kid to hear. This is not the message I want my kid to be getting but I just get so far beyond frustrated that I lost control and didn't know what else to do or say. Dumping her in her bed and closing the door while she howled and felt miserable and unloved was just about the gentlest thing I could come up with, but even that was after the yelling damage was already done. I should be locked up. I don't know what I'm doing in this position.

anonymrs

Mon, Jun 01 2015, 11:26 pm

It's very tough. I have a child who needs to manipulate situations and is constantly asking for things that she KNOWS the answer will be no.

Would you consider getting counseling for yourself?

amother

Forestgreen

Mon, Jun 01 2015, 11:44 pm

I would love to, for other reasons as well as this, but I'm in a catch-22 - short on money so I need to use insurance, and short on time so I can barely get to the ones who take insurance. A topic for a different thread but it would really be appropriate for insurance to cover skype therapy! I think the ppl who need therapy the most are the ones who have the hardest time getting out there!

amother

Goldenrod

Mon, Jun 01 2015, 11:57 pm

How old is your DD?

I wanted to send hugs and let you know that you don't sound like a terrible mother to me, you sound stressed and at the end of your rope. It sounds like you need guidance from a therapist who can help you and your husband with practical tools to deal with your DD and manage your stress.

I have a teenage stepdaughter with a similar issue - it's SO hard! Sometimes I feel so guilty for feeling/thinking the way I do. Don't beat yourself up - try to help yourself manage and feel better in general (less stressed) so you can deal with her from a calmer place.

anonymrs

Mon, Jun 01 2015, 11:59 pm

I've decided that parenting a child like this is all about working on yourself. There really isn't anything I can do to change my child so the only thing I can do is change myself. Is it possible that you have unresolved concerns that are getting in the way of your parenting?

amother

Bisque

Tue, Jun 02 2015, 12:05 am

Hi OP. I've been through this also - The Explosive Child book does address these issues. You should read it to give you some comfort, you aren't alone.

It's good you've identified a trigger - that this happens whe your dd doesn't get her way. If she's anything like my girls, giving in all the time isn't going to help either. I also got no help from psychologists, my girls didn't need behavior mod, they had neuro and sensory issues.

Can you get a sitter and sleep at a friend's house for the night? Hugs to you.

amother

Forestgreen

Tue, Jun 02 2015, 12:10 am

She's only 4. When I yell at her I feel like I'm beating up a helpless newborn. I feel bad enough when I just snap at her, but tonight I really lost it and feel like a criminal abuser. That hasn't happened in at least several months, maybe longer, but I worry because it has been getting progressively harder over the last few months so it's not random, I know it's not going to get better from here just by trying to get a grip, something needs to change. That's why I've been reading books and contacting parenting coaches and all, but what I really want is a magic bullet.

It's possible I have unresolved concerns but I think the main one is a child who doesn't know how to stop whining or take no for an answer and pushes all my buttons when/until I'm exhausted. I hate the drama, I hate the demands, I hate the noise. I hate living with someone who acts like a spoiled entitled brat with no manners or midos despite trying to teach them forever. She is just too intense for me. I thought god gives kids like this to strong people who can handle them. We're just screwed. Maybe He does this to make sure the therapists will continue to have business in the next generation.

amother

Bisque

Tue, Jun 02 2015, 12:20 am

Here's your magic bullet: "Children do well, if they can." This is a quote from Dr. Greene. Forget this technique and that technique, just start by looking and what you've got. It's not your fault, and it's not her fault.

Dr. Greene's point is that we shouldn't consider the kids bad - they would behave better if they could.

It sounds like your dd has difficulty with transitions, and maybe there's some sensory stuff as well. She's only 4, so you have some time to sort this out.

modehani

Tue, Jun 02 2015, 12:21 am

I don't know of a quick fix, but I was having similar issues and took Dina Friedman's course, and it helped immensely. I second what others said about working on yourself, and Dina's course walks you through it. I also read all the books and they didn't make a difference. I won't say things are perfect now (are they ever?), but now I have an easygoing relationship with that particular child and I have a lot more tools for working with my other children.

amother

Forestgreen

Tue, Jun 02 2015, 12:32 am

So lemaisa what do you DO when your kid is having a whiny crying fit over an unreasonable demand after bedtime disrupting other sleeping or almost sleeping people?so the kid would do well if she could, fine, but she can't and isn't so now what? Obviously screaming didn't help but I'm out of ideas!

I heard Dina Friedman course is great but I don't think it is worth an investment for me because I saw a little but if it and it doesn't look well suited for our special needs. Even if I could benefit from the parts about developing yourself as a parent, at least half the course is about alienating techniques so if I'm going to spend that much time and money on something it better be techniques I can actually use. I'm looking into Koslowitz because she has some special needs programs and is a specialist in that in her main practice, but she doesn't seem to have a web presence that I can find so I'm waiting for a call back. Still, hard to feel optimistic about anything because I fel like I just don't have the personal strength to deal with any of this. I'm just not cut out for this job. I have tried and tried, it has never been easy, and I am just not getting anywhere ever.

amother

Bisque

Tue, Jun 02 2015, 12:46 am

amother wrote:

Assuming the problem is transition from awake to bedtime, this is what worked for me.

1) let her watch a video on a smartphone when she'd ready go be in her own bed for the night. Not a threat, not a bribe. Just a neutral fact. The video helps make the transition to sleep less scary for a super-active mind.

2) Day prep, lots of ot activities to stimulate her, so that her body feels good at night.

3) loud announcements during the day, right in front of her, about what a great night she had, to everyone you see. It was like I was coralling a football team to generate excitement about a good night's sleep. It worked.

chani8

Tue, Jun 02 2015, 2:32 am

It sounds to me like you are a very reasonable and accommodating mom.

In case it will help, I'll share what happens to me. When I have to stand firm on a boundary, it makes me feel mean. I'm such a nice person usually, and being mean hurts me. Makes me want to lash out at the cause of it, which is, the child who is not being reasonable.

I learned to get my thoughts out of my head, which calms me right down, by saying to the child, "Why do I have to get mean now?" or "I was being so nice. I let you do this and this and this, but not this. Now I have to get mean, which I hate to do." And I might add, sparingly, "All because you are not being nice (or reasonable) to me."

About your child's behavior, I don't know why she is this way, perhaps because of ADHD or something, or because her love tank is not full enough, or both. It never hurts to make sure their love tank is full. Use all 5 Love Languages on her, daily. If she is ADHD, then you're going to find yourself needing to be 'mean' regularly. By that I mean, having to direct her firmly and clearly rather than reasoning with her and expecting her to be reasonable.

Last, prepare yourself, accept this, that your child is going to react negatively when you put a boundary there. She has a right to fall apart when she doesn't get what she wants. My POV is, don't try to fix the crying. Let the child cry when she's angry, frustrated, whatever. Crying is a normal response to being told no. For example, I might say to a child who is crying about bedtime, "It's ok to cry. But you will stay in your bed now. You can cry in your bed." Sounds cold and mean, I know. But you're doing what is best for the child when you put boundaries in place. You're giving a child a sense of security when they don't rule the roost. When they see they cannot manipulate you, make you feel so bad that you give in to them, it comforts them. They need to see that you are stronger than them.

(That said, I sit in the room with my kids while they fall asleep in their own beds. Until age 10 or so.)

chani8

Tue, Jun 02 2015, 2:39 am

What I am trying to say, is that instead of going from nice to screaming, go from nice to 'mean' and don't feel guilty about it because your child needs that mean ole boundary, even if she cries about it. Let her cry because of the boundary rather than because you lost it.

amother

Pink

Tue, Jun 02 2015, 2:08 pm

What I found with my very difficult child was that consequences - immediate and visible worked the best.

Everyone was in bed and I wanted him to lie down properly, not dance around, put feet at the head of the bed etc - I said they could all get pretzels - I gave each child their pretzels to eat right then and there. (Forget about the teeth brushed already problem)

The consequence had to be very visible and clear and immediate.

amother

Aquamarine

Tue, Jun 02 2015, 2:18 pm

amother wrote:

I have no easy answers for you, and since this is a situation I'm not dealing with I can offer no real advice other than hugs and love and a quick thought: how about you stop telling yourself what you can't do, and ask yourself what you can?. Sometimes when I reframe problems, small or as huge as this one, I come across ideas that don't create chaos. You sound very loving and caring and overwhelmed, I can't even imagine, so what can you, forestgreen, do, today, to begin to affect change?

Hazlatcha!

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