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New halachic rulings -- 2020
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sequoia




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 02 2015, 7:05 pm
1. Women are forbidden to drive cars, sit in the front seat of cars, sit in the back seat of cars, buy cars, sell cars, lean against cars for a good photo, or doodle cars aimlessly during boring meetings.

2. Sunglasses are trendy.
Glasses are trendy.
Contacts are trendy.
Monocles and lorgnettes are permitted.

3. To avoid gebrochts, a minimum of six hours must go by between eating matzoh and drinking water.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 02 2015, 7:10 pm
I like it!
but al tiftechi peh lasatan. 30 years ago my jokey bff predicted that one day water would be tref, and dang if it didn't come true in NYC. Thank G-d it's only water and not chocolate. Water you can survive without for 2-3 days.
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Barbara




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 02 2015, 7:18 pm
sequoia wrote:
1. Women are forbidden to drive cars, sit in the front seat of cars, sit in the back seat of cars, buy cars, sell cars, lean against cars for a good photo, or doodle cars aimlessly during boring meetings.

2. Sunglasses are trendy.
Glasses are trendy.
Contacts are trendy.
Monocles and lorgnettes are permitted.

3. To avoid gebrochts, a minimum of six hours must go by between eating matzoh and drinking water.


Neither ovens nor sinks may be used for both milk and meat. A cottage industry grows up photoshopping additional ovens and sinks into grandma's kitchen in the shtetl. Those who don't photoshop point out that Granny never ate dairy.

All vegetables must be checked using an electron microscope.

Matza may be eaten only at the seder, and only in the required amounts. It is otherwise not kosher for Passover.
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 02 2015, 7:29 pm
due to kashrus issues involved in meat, poultry, fish, and dairy, we will all be required to become vegan. however, due to bugs in our produce as seen with a light box and x ray machine, we will be required to eat a highly processed vegetable meal that everyone will call soylent green. and charlton heston will be featured on the wrapping with his cotton ball beard and a streimel.
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Notsobusy




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 02 2015, 7:30 pm
Barbara wrote:
Neither ovens nor sinks may be used for both milk and meat. A cottage industry grows up photoshopping additional ovens and sinks into grandma's kitchen in the shtetl. Those who don't photoshop point out that Granny never ate dairy.

All vegetables must be checked using an electron microscope.

Matza may be eaten only at the seder, and only in the required amounts. It is otherwise not kosher for Passover.


Not a joke, the people who bought our house from us, which unbelievably had only one oven, wanted to know which burners I used for milk and which for meat shock I wonder if they had to kasher the whole thing, or maybe get a new one, once they heard we used whichever for whatever.

edited for incorrect grammar and spelling mistakes.


Last edited by Notsobusy on Tue, Jun 02 2015, 7:35 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Barbara




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 02 2015, 7:32 pm
mummiedearest wrote:
due to kashrus issues involved in meat, poultry, fish, and dairy, we will all be required to become vegan. however, due to bugs in our produce as seen with a light box and x ray machine, we will be required to eat a highly processed vegetable meal that everyone will call soylent green. and charlton heston will be featured on the wrapping with his cotton ball beard and a streimel.


I'm not gonna be the one to break it to them that soylent green is people.
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justcallmeima




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 02 2015, 7:33 pm
Separate bedrooms for nidah?
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 02 2015, 7:44 pm
justcallmeima wrote:
Separate bedrooms for nidah?


separate houses.
Which, btw, is a current and traditional practice among some aboriginal tribes scattered in various places throughout the globe.
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Frumdoc




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 02 2015, 8:04 pm
Separate homes for men and women, women live with children all week and men live in dorms and only visit for conjugal rights for half an hour on a Friday night plus on mikvah night.

Other than that they are forbidden to speak, look or touch each other, and the men's dorms sre a minimum of 5 miles away from the women's homes, with a force field between acting as a mechitza.

Meanwhile all counting and math has been banned as it is too secular, so we exchange goods via a barter system, which eliminates all need for a secular education or job for the men, so women are the primary supporters who exchange food for homespun clothes and swap housecleaning chores for babysitting.

All electronic communication devices are banned, so smoke signals, shofar blasts and hilltop fires are used to send messages, and women are banned from speaking above a whisper in the presence of any male older than 3 yrs old, as their voices may be seductive.

Obviously, women only wear black serge burquas and use infra red vision masks to see, as their faces must be covered at all times by a thick black 500000 denier balaclava which obscures the vision along with the facial features.

As a result, many women do not walk but use self navigating mini scooters to get around to the exchange bazaars, but the latest controversy is how blacked out the tznius scooter cover must be, whether canvas is acceptable or if it is very windy, it may blow in such a way that you can see there is a person there, which may cause the men to sin, so the more stringent have both a canvas cover and a kevlar shell over the scooter.

However, this is causing the scooters to be more unwieldy and fall, injuring some women's limbs, but a few armless women is no reason to risk the men's olam haba....

And really, it is not necessary for the women to be going out more than twice a month, as the Chvardenikilistinardowula Rebbe reminds the men to tell their wives next mikvah night, and one of those times must be to the mikvah, which takes 36 hours of scrubbing and soaking in the first place....
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imasoftov




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 02 2015, 8:11 pm
Barbara wrote:
Neither ovens nor sinks may be used for both milk and meat.

That's the mekilim. Serious people will have separate plumbing to the meat and dairy sinks and Bnei Brak will have two entire separate water systems.


Last edited by imasoftov on Tue, Jun 02 2015, 8:28 pm; edited 1 time in total
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imasoftov




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 02 2015, 8:15 pm
Barbara wrote:
I'm not gonna be the one to break it to them that soylent green is people.

No problem, in 2020 we won't argue about what word for non-Jews is or isn't offensive, the below will be understood literally.

אתם קרויים אדם ואין עובדי כוכבים קרויים אדם. בבא מציעא, קיד, ע"ב
http://he.wikisource.org/wiki/.....D7%91
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 02 2015, 8:16 pm
Barbara wrote:
I'm not gonna be the one to break it to them that soylent green is people.


yes, yes. but even if they find out, they'll just be told that the nutrients naturally found in soil are just skipping the soil stage. that way they never come into contact with bugs Twisted Evil


"Soylent Green: The Latest in Kashrus Technology!"
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youngishbear




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 02 2015, 8:16 pm
One thing I know for sure...

Imamother will be banned.
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imasoftov




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 02 2015, 8:29 pm
youngishbear wrote:
One thing I know for sure...

Imamother will be banned.

It hasn't already been?
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youngishbear




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 02 2015, 8:52 pm
Sequoia, is there a word for the type of humor where the speaker makes fun of him/herself by stating the obvious in a seemingly serious manner?
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naturalmom5




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 02 2015, 9:24 pm
Soylent green ?????
Anyone making references to non jewish movies will be put into Cherem
Schools. Will request a DNA sample on registration
The govt will require a finger scan to go online
Sp you will lose your internet access
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jun 02 2015, 11:51 pm
youngishbear wrote:
Sequoia, is there a word for the type of humor where the speaker makes fun of him/herself by stating the obvious in a seemingly serious manner?


Standup comedy.
Except when the topic is certain people's dating experiences, at which point it is called stood-up comedy.
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youngishbear




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 03 2015, 12:05 am
zaq wrote:
Standup comedy.
Except when the topic is certain people's dating experiences, at which point it is called stood-up comedy.


Hmm.

Is there a word for written stand up comedy, then?
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mirror




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 03 2015, 12:48 am
Frumdoc wrote:

And really, it is not necessary for the women to be going out more than twice a month, as the Chvardenikilistinardowula Rebbe reminds the men to tell their wives next mikvah night, and one of those times must be to the mikvah, which takes 36 hours of scrubbing and soaking in the first place....


I find this part scary. I think it just might happen...
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champion




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jun 03 2015, 4:41 am
reminds me of this song
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h1-f9p4kmbg
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