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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
My son refuses to go to cheder



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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Sun, Jun 07 2015, 1:00 am
my almost 11 yr old refuses we tried everything but not getting out from him why any ideas how to get him to open up?
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5mom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 07 2015, 1:13 am
It's possible that he is being bullied but too embarrassed to admit it. In that case, asking his rebbe about class dynamics might help. (I would be careful not to accuse him of anything, so as not to put him on the defensive, but to stress that you are in this together.)
I'm assuming that your son is healthy. Mono or strep can make him feel too exhausted for school, as can sleep disorders.


Last edited by 5mom on Sun, Jun 07 2015, 1:15 am; edited 1 time in total
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justforfun87




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 07 2015, 1:14 am
Therapist? Not to be an alarmist but it could be bullying/s-xual abuse.
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Sun, Jun 07 2015, 1:18 am
Welcome to the club Sad
It can be any number of reasons: bullying, abuse, learning difficulties, spring fever... Try taking him out to eat and getting him to spill the beans a little. You might also try talking to his friends to see if anything fishy is going on in the classroom.
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Sun, Jun 07 2015, 1:30 am
op here been by therapist and still cant get him to talk basically what I had seen is that he is spoiled boy & ended up being a big manipulator the rebbi put down his foot and my son cant handle it
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November




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 07 2015, 1:31 am
Has he liked school in the past? Does he have friends in class? What does he want to do instead of going to school?
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Sun, Jun 07 2015, 1:34 am
The only way I got my son to go to school this last month is letting him stay home once every other week... Can you try that or do you both work f/t? Maybe you can give him a fun Sunday instead?
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Sun, Jun 07 2015, 1:39 am
o/p we give this kid everything that's were the problem began he stays home plays with time out & listens to kids stories on the phone but I have no privacy he listens to all my phone conversations +
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Bruria




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 07 2015, 3:18 am
Listen to your son, for him to really refuse to go to school he must have his reasons. If I were you I would look for a different school for him, obligating him to go to a place that he hates will not help him or you in anything.
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 07 2015, 3:32 am
amother wrote:
op here been by therapist and still cant get him to talk basically what I had seen is that he is spoiled boy & ended up being a big manipulator the rebbi put down his foot and my son cant handle it


This is the problem. He's got nobody on his side.
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amother
Copper


 

Post Sun, Jun 07 2015, 3:47 am
Is this in Yerushalayim? Just wondering. If so, try to think if anyone has pulled out of the cheder this year, and if so, call them up, mention your son refusing to go, and see if they'll share anything with you about their own reasons for switching/keeping home.
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justforfun87




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 07 2015, 3:54 am
This is so cryptic, why don't you come out and say what you want to say. I would hope you would want to protect other kids.
amother wrote:
Is this in Yerushalayim? Just wondering. If so, try to think if anyone has pulled out of the cheder this year, and if so, call them up, mention your son refusing to go, and see if they'll share anything with you about their own reasons for switching/keeping home.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 07 2015, 6:02 am
amother wrote:
op here been by therapist and still cant get him to talk basically what I had seen is that he is spoiled boy & ended up being a big manipulator the rebbi put down his foot and my son cant handle it


OP, I think you realize that he is spoiled, and that his problems are coming from home, not from school. It's time that you insist that he start growing up. If he can't give you any good, solid reasons why he can't go to school, then you need to be the "big, bad, mean, adults" and get his tuches back in the classroom.

I say this as the mother of an 11yo who I pulled out of school this year, because she basically had a small nervous breakdown, and all of the school psychiatrists agreed that she needs professional help before she can come back to the classroom. There was bullying, zexual harassment, test anxiety, and a lot of other stuff going on as well. DD actually told me that she misses school, and wished that she could handle it without so many panic attacks.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 07 2015, 7:09 am
amother wrote:
o/p we give this kid everything that's were the problem began he stays home plays with time out & listens to kids stories on the phone but I have no privacy he listens to all my phone conversations +


It's challenging to walk the line between being too easy and too hard.

Ch"vsh, you don't want to ignore a cry for help if something terrible is happenng at school that he doesn't want to talk about. OTOH, you don't want to let him think he has a choice between sitting in the classroom and following the rules, and staying home, having fun, and driving you crazy.

Has he been doing this in past years, or did he go to school and do his work willingly? Has he ever been evaluated for learning differences?

My basic rules are: if you are not in school, you are sick, and if you are sick, you may lie in bed and rest. No entertainment, no electronics, listening to stories, etc.

Since at this point, you will need his cooperation, maybe you can try offering him some incentive he can earn for going to school every day for a week, just to get him back on track. If his only issue is laziness, this may help you to see what he can do when he is motivated.

But if he has other, more serious reasons for refusing to go, and it's not about just "being spoiled", you have to take that seriously. We parents have responsibility for keeping our children safe, and helping them grow in the best ways.
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 07 2015, 7:41 am
justforfun87 wrote:
This is so cryptic, why don't you come out and say what you want to say. I would hope you would want to protect other kids.

There is an anonymous poster throwing this into many conversations. She seems to have missed out that every problem isn't a yerushalmi molestor in every cheder. Also there are many other reasons for a child's discomfort.
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Bruria




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 07 2015, 8:19 am
amother wrote:
op here been by therapist and still cant get him to talk basically what I had seen is that he is spoiled boy & ended up being a big manipulator the rebbi put down his foot and my son cant handle it

Think about what you just said, you just said your son is a big manipulator and it is quite possible that your son senses this opinion of yours. If that is so, there would be no reason for him to tell you or the therapist anything.
In any case, my advice to you would still to consider the possibility of switching schools. A better fit for him would make him happy, and would also make you happy as a consequence.
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