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Is my preschooler possibly too generous??



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amother
Firebrick


 

Post Sun, Jun 07 2015, 8:13 pm
(Sorry for the long post.)

I have 3 kids.
My eldest daughter (6) is kind of a rockstar...she is smart and beautiful and a star student and draws attention for herself like crazy. She loves the limelight and everyone seems happy to give her tons of attention.

My middle daughter (4) is an amazing little girl but just cannot compete with her older sister. It breaks my heart to have to watch her try constantly and fail. Recently I've noticed her just retreating to play on her own, rather than even try to compete for attention with her older sister (whom she adores, by the way).

Then today was my middle daughter's birthday. She's always been generous, but it nearly made me cry today and I just don't know if it's normal. We gave my daughter 2 presents this morning and she immediately gave one to her older sister so that she wouldn't be left without a gift. We allowed her to share. Then later she had a bday party and got piles of gifts. A few times she ooed and ahhhed at a toy, and when my eldest daughter said "wow what a great toy!", my younger daughter would say "here, you can have it. I want you to have it".

I asked her "Why are you giving your gift to Maya?" And she replied "because there's nobody else to give it to. I want her to have it and have fun with it".

This behaviors really breaks my heart. I'm pleased that she's such a kind soul, but it still breaks my heart, as I know my eldest daughter would never ever do the same in reverse. She's not selfish...she's just 6. She wants everything "fair" and 50/50. And if it was her birthday she'd never share her toys that way.

My younger daughter constantly gets used seconds - hand me down clothes and even seconds of our attention - because of our workload. I was looking forward to lavishing attention and gifts on her for her birthday but it just made me sad that she just wanted to give everything to her older sister.

Just for the record, I dint think she's trying to buy her sister's affection. I think this is just her nature.

Am I crazy to worry about her?
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Ashrei




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 07 2015, 8:53 pm
aww... I'm not sure what's the best thing to do, but let me tell you what my daughter's play therapist said once that might give you some insight.

We were playing some sticker mosaic thing of a cake with a cherry on it, and DD (6) invited the therapist to put the cherry on the cake. The therapist told her to go ahead and put it on herself. She later explained to me that OF COURSE DD wanted the cherry, every 6yo will want the cherry, it's the best part!

Whenever my 4yo offers to share something, I say, "Shloimy*, the cookies are all yours! You don't have to share with anyone. They're just for you." I tell him how special he is and how the cookies are his special treat, etc. Once he answered like this, "But Ima, you know who's my friend? Aaron. And does Aaron have cookies? No. So I'm giving him a cookie!" When he talks like that, I know he really means it, and it's not some symptom of low self esteem c'vs.

(He used to always share and give to his big sis, but he's wised up to the fact that she doesn't reciprocate and is always trying to weasel things out of him. Probably a different thread, but if this part relates to you, let me know and I'll tell you how it's played out.)

I hope this gives you some insight...
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amother
Hotpink


 

Post Sun, Jun 07 2015, 9:19 pm
I don't think you're crazy for worrying. I don't know if it's actually problematic, or what exactly the problem would be, or what anyone could or should do about it, but I have a similar type of situation (no rockstar sister but one very giving preschooler) and I worry about it and I don't think I'm crazy for worrying. I'm taking a kind of "watch and wait" approach as long as the kid doesn't seem unhappy about it but I do think it's healthy mothering to notice these things.

I think by us part of it is that this child has a very hard time dealing with disappointment, so maybe she just doesn't want others to be disappointed because disappointment is so frighteningly uncomfortable for her. I hope that with time and help she will learn that disappointment is a natural and dealable part of life, and it is OK if you are disappointed and also OK if someone else is disappointed. You don't need to "fix" everything by giving away your stuff.

But it sounds like your dynamic might be different. Maybe she just adores the older sister so much and giving her things is a way to express it. Does she EVER have a favorite item or object that she won't share or give?

Also maybe some kids just don't value "stuff" as much. I think my DD is especially generous with her stickers because for her they're very easy come, easy go. She gets stickers from her morah at least once a week. For me, thinking back as a kid, I think I'd still consider these stickers pretty important, but it's plausible to believe when DD says she really wants to give them out. I think she feels a certain power in giving, in making others happy. It's a good thing, as long as it's not too extreme and hurting herself. So all in all, I just keep an eye on it. It's something I pay attention to just in case it gets worrisome, but I don't actually intervene (except once or twice when it seemed like she was doing something she might regret, I encouraged her to think it through, reminded her that if she gives it she can't necessarily get it back, and that maybe she could think of something to share that she wouldn't miss...)
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jun 07 2015, 9:56 pm
This sounds exactly like my DD. When she was a toddler, she never, ever said "MINE!" It just wasn't in her vocabulary. She would give anything away at any time, because it gave her such joy to make someone else happy. The excitement of giving was more fun to her than actually having the item for herself.

The only problem I had with this, was when she gave away family heirlooms. If a doll had been handed down from a grandmother, then she couldn't give it away or trade it. I taught her that she needed to ASK me first before she gave away or traded anything, because she didn't know the difference between a dollar store Barbie and something I'd kept from childhood.

Once we had that rule set in place, I let her decide what to do with her things. I figured after all, they were HER things, not mine. If she had regrets, she'd learn. If not, then she was happy. BTW, she has never, in 12 years, regretted giving anything away.

Today she is still the most generous, loving, sharing child you could ever meet. She can now discern between things she wants to part with and things that are more meaningful, but she is not materialistic, greedy, or jealous. She has such lovely middos, and I couldn't be more proud of her.

Just my point of view, of course.
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amother
Silver


 

Post Sun, Jun 07 2015, 10:22 pm
Please, please do not ever use the phrase "sloppy seconds" when talking about your daughter. It has connotations I'm sure you didn't mean to imply.
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