I have Multiple Personality Disorder, Ask me anything!

amother

Vermilion

Mon, Jun 08 2015, 1:15 am

SRB
Smart question!

Hard for me to put what it is into words so I will paste from Wikipedia:

"Dissociative identity disorder (DID), previously known as multiple personality disorder (MPD),[1] is a mental disorder on the dissociative spectrum characterized by at least two distinct and relatively enduring identities or dissociated personality states that alternately control a person's behavior, and is accompanied by memory impairment for important information not explained by ordinary forgetfulness."

for me I have parts of me that not me, mainly children. Like all the sudden out of the blue I act. feel and I guess even look different cuz my husband calls it getting lost. He sees it immediately on my face I have twitches on my mouth although not everyone has that.

It's really hard to explain. I used to switch a lot now I've been to therapy. It didn't make it go away but I try to push it away. Tonight I had a really hard time so I decided to post about it here. Not sure why. But I guess maybe not to feel so alone.

mille

Mon, Jun 08 2015, 7:37 am

Many Psychologists do not believe that DID is a real disorder, and that pretty much all patients are either malingering or are aware of other personalities, making it more of a coping mechanism than what the disorder is actually supposed to be. There was a spike of cases of DID right after Sybil came out, for instance... Which would not be consistent with an actual disorder. Furthermore, there is very weak neurological evidence that anything different is going on in the brain in patients diagnosed with DID.

What do you have to say to the strong criticism that the disorder is possibly not real?

(As a note, this is not necessarily my opinion, I'm asking how OP responds to this criticism, which certainly does exist in the psych community)

amother

Vermilion

Mon, Jun 08 2015, 7:47 am

mille wrote:

What do I say? People also say the holocaust didn't happen.

amother

Vermilion

Mon, Jun 08 2015, 8:17 am

baschabad wrote:

So you have normal relationships? Just every now and then you "space out"? What happens when you are "lost"? Do you feel like you have two identities?
So intriguing! I hope my questions are not offensive...

Your questions are not offensive thank you for caring not to hurt me it means a lot to me.

It took me a long time to get to where I am. I got married in my 30's. When I first became aware of this was I'd have instances where I'd feel like I was a child. I was 26 at the time all of the sudden I was very fearful and I recall that I didn't recognize my bedroom. I had to move out of my parents home because it was too scary for me. I was an accomplished professional with a masters degree working 60 hours a week.

I have many identities but haven't really noticed who I was switching to lately. I don't think about it I just try to push it away as this is not my priority. When I was in therapy. I would color and draw make collages and journals but where did it get me? I'm happy that my life is no longer being lived in the past most of the time I am a normal " happy" wife and mother.

I know that I'm switched but don't know how to unswitch or make it not happen. I also can't make it happen for those who don't believe it I can't switch or conjure these parts at will.

As far as every now and then, it used to happen many times a day but " I think now we can go long periods without noticing it happening.

For me today I work really hard to push it away but sometimes I just can't. My husband Baruch Hashem is very patient and if I had a less sensitive husband I think I would be totally traumatized from intimacy. These parts of me are very scared and usually reliving a painful past.

It's not like hours long where I go on a shopping spree and totally block it out. For me it's usually minutes and I'm back. During that time I am not spaced out I just act think feel differently. I talk with a different voice, vocabulary, demeanor and not about adult things.

Iymnok wrote:

Are you aware when this happens?
Is it always the same personality that you assume?
How often does it happen?
Are there triggers that cause it?
Is it hereditary?

I answered some of your questions above,

Yes I'm sure there are triggers like stress and events that remind me of things in my past.

I don't think it's hereditary I think it's something like PTSD happens because of trauma. I didn't have an easy childhood although I don't recall any horrific trauma. But I feel it if that makes any sense. Probably doesn't I'm sorry. I feel sometimes like I'm reliving something awful but I can't put words or even images to it. I guess that's the power of DID it protects you? I no longer focus on it though. I am not trying to figure it out any more I'm moving forward!

I haven't been to therapy in 5 years and I'm the happiest I've ever been despite this pain I swallow. I just try to change the subject in my mind. I want to LIVE I was tired of all the living in the past. The past is over! Baruch Hashem I have two children and I'm focused intently on them! Baruch Hashem!!!

amother

Vermilion

Mon, Jun 08 2015, 10:24 am

oliveoil wrote:

What was the process for being diagnosed? Did you have to see multiple professionals? AIUI, this is not something they are quick to diagnose (and, as a previous poster said, many believe it doesn't exist).

The therapist I was seeing at the time where I became aware of what I had didn't believe me at the time she thought I was borderline something no one else after that thought I have. Years later I went back to her. She then realized I do have DID and not in any way borderline she apologized for how she treated me previously.

It was very clear to me. I moved looked up therapist and psychiatrist who treated trauma they saw it right away for what it was. So after leaving that one therapist I never had anyone challenge my diagnosis. I've faight with myself about it though. Like maybe I do t have it. I've had my adult self wanting to kill my child self because it turned her whole life upside down.

I am answering your question because I said ask me anything and it was asked with respect. But for future posters I prefer not to argue the validity of the diagnosis it's not really the diagnosis that matters call it PTSD call it whatever you want. What I experience is real I don't have a need for labels.

I don't fit into any mold. I don't act Sybil like. It's subtle changes. If I am struggling to remain present I often cover with I'm tired or have a headache and no one bats an eyelash. It's not grandios or anything worth arguing about. It is how my mind chose to deal with earlier trauma. Not anything I chose.

amother

Vermilion

Mon, Jun 08 2015, 10:42 am

amother wrote:

Thank you for starting this thread it's very eye-opening.
When you say a child do you mean your younger self, like a flashback, and you relive real memories?
Does it distress you when you know you're having an episode, like do you want to go back to yourself but can't?

Thank you for being respectful.

The younger self is in today's day and age but often times reliving the past like a flashback because they still feel like "bad" things are happening. Sometimes they look at my husband and are more curious and scared but they are present in today. Some times they laugh and want to play and be silly I think of those as two different parts a happy one and a scared one but perhaps they are just one kid? Like everyone else with different emotions?

It can be hard to be with my husband if a little one is there. I think the difference between having flashbacks and having DID is that you don't just feel like it's happening again you feel everything you felt then your whole body feels small. It's distressing when that part is little and scared. Little and having flashbacks. IF the other part is happy I am usually able to continue doing what I need to do. There is sorta an ongoing sense of awareness. But I sometimes look in the mirror and am surprised at what I look like. Or I look in the mirror and see a pretty lady and am surprised! Not sure if that happens to other people? Do you recognize yourself in the mirror? Or maybe it's cause I don't look in the mirror a lot?

The little parts used to hate my body cuz it's big and they just wanted people to be able to see them. Or they were scared of it cause it's an adult body. Etc.
I hope I answered your questions sorry for rambling.

amother

Vermilion

Mon, Jun 08 2015, 11:42 am

Iymnok wrote:

Wow, it sounds like inner child. Sort of.
Thanks so much for sharing.

Does anyone other than your husband know about it?
Can it control you much?

It's so reassuring to hear you have such a supportive husband. These "spells" sound like they could be scary and unnerving.

you are right it is a lot like an inner child just they don't stay so inner Smile

They come out and want to play or cry or do whatever.. take over my life but that was years ago Baruch Hashem they are more inside now Smile

ummm well some of my siblings knew about it more than 10 years ago when I was diagnosed. I wanted to go to a trauma program in a hospital but instead I went to live with my brother But I never really showed my siblings much and just act mostly normal in public. I don't know if my husband "really" knows. He just is supportive of whatever it is that's going on. I took him to my therapist when I was Engaged and tried to explain it in terms he would understand but either way he supports me fully.

I can't always control it but I try as much as possible to stay adult and strong and not to dissociate and just go back to it happening. Interesting is that as much as people say it's isn't real or I do it for attention etc. I can't force it. I can't for the life of me make it happen it just happens by surprise. I can try and push it away but sometimes it keeps happening repeatedly during times of stress.

amother

Vermilion

Mon, Jun 08 2015, 11:51 am

gp2.0 wrote:

Was it caused by trauma during childhood?

How long was the longest you ever "spaced out" for?

ETA I think you're very brave to start this thread!

I guess so since I know of some trauma. But the overwhelming terror I feel when certain parts come out isn't something I can remember. I feel like I"m being tortured and I don't remember being tortured. I remember abuse when I was older like 12 by a cousin and then many times after that probably cuz I was an easy target. I know I was neglected as a child as my mother was ill and I'm one of 9 children so there wasn't really any responsible adult to take care of us.

But some neglect and being abused at 12 doesn't usually cause this. So I'd have to assume it's from something I don't remember exactly. Also my parts are much younger than 12 so I really have to say I don't know what it is that caused this but in general dissociation is caused by trauma where you mind needs a way to deal with the situation. So I guess this is my minds way of dealing with something. I just couldn't figure out who or what or perhaps it was too painful. I stopped trying.

I can't say what's the longest really. These days it happens just for a minute or two and I switch back as far as when I am being another little part. As far as adult parts I'm not sure because if I have parts of me that are more put together and organized perhaps the whole time I am making pesach it's a different part. I don't really think about it these days except then the traumatized kids come out because it's really disruptive. It's another adult part of me it wouldn't really matter. I do think I have parts that are more intellectual and more creative etc. but I don't notice changes lately so not sure if they just merged or what. there is such a thing as integration. I wish! I wish I would stop reliving the past.

amother

Vermilion

Mon, Jun 08 2015, 11:56 am

amother wrote:

I second Mille's question, and I don't see that a mature and respectful answer was given to a very real issue.

Maybe it's not a respectful question?

But to answer her and your rude question. I've never encountered anyone who did not believe in the diagnosis. So I've never had to discuss this. and I answered it in another question regarding labels.

I also wrote I do not wish to further discuss this. I said ask me anything I did not say keep repeating the same question. I answered it. Period. It's not up to me to understand why people don't believe in anything.

People also believe we came from monkeys? What about it?
I don't have to face that. no one I know believes that. No one I know believes the holocaust didn't happen and no one I know doesn't believe in DID.

Please leave me be. Trust me this isn't fun. I suffer tremendously and I don't need you adding to my pain.

MrsDash

Mon, Jun 08 2015, 1:00 pm

amother wrote:

I don't mean to veer off topic, but I had to address this comment. We didn't come from monkeys, we share a common ancestor. And to quote Neil deGrasse Tyson, "The good thing about science is that it's true whether or not you believe in it."