Who pays and gives what to the Chassan and Kallah

LittleDucky

Fri, Jun 12 2015, 2:04 am

We didn't do any of the traditional gifts. We just don't care about what "others" do or don't do. Whatever we needed, we figured out/gave as a gift. So, for instance, if I needed to change nussach he might have given a siddur as a gift. But nothing was required or asked of the other. I wanted to give my chosson a gift he would enjoy and need. Plus I got him the kittel as he obviously didn't own one yet. But I didn't give him a Shas- he owned one and didn't want a fancy chosson shas set- good thing as we don't have enough space for one now!! He didn't get me candlesticks either. I had something to use and we didn't see the point of asking each other for gifts. What is meaningful to you, what each of you can afford, what you want/need--- that is what matters. (What if he doesn't want a shas and likes to get one as he learns? What if he can't learn, already owns one, or is dyslexic and it causes him much anguish to see it stare at him every day?)

It stops meaning anything when everyone expects the exact same thing and receives it. No points for originality given I guess. Plus the "negative points" earned when expectations beget resentment.

I can't define where we stand on "type". I am who I am: I am Little Ducky. That basically says it all...

Iymnok

Fri, Jun 12 2015, 3:32 am

The chosson often gets a shas and a watch, if the engagement goes through a chag, a shofar, esrog box, menorah, Megillah or Seder plate might be given.
Cuff links, a kittel, a Tallis with the matching velvet bags or a becher are also common.

The kallah often gets a ring, bracelet, personalized siddur, candlesticks, sheitel, machzor set, more jewelry for the chag that's passed.

And yichud room gifts.

We didn't do all of these, but these are common things.
(Yeshivish)

mommy3b2c

Fri, Jun 12 2015, 7:21 am

amother wrote:

Care to expound on "everything"? I too will be dealing with a wedding and am interested in what is expected from the brides side.

Just because I got it all, doesn't mean it's all expected. It really depends what circles your from. When I say everything, I mean that we each got anything and everything that anybody gets. Most people don't do that.

I got- ring, bracelet, earrings, watch, necklace, candlesticks and tray, machzorim, siddur, Tehilim, Shaitel, jewlrey box, vase

He got- machzorim, esrog box, menorah, becher, watch, cufflinks, shas, two tallesim, kittel

Sadie

Fri, Jun 12 2015, 7:31 am

I got a gold necklace and earring set from my ILs for the engagement.
I bought my husband a tallis and bag and he bought both of our wedding rings (for halachic reasons). I did not get an engagement ring because I asked him not to buy one. I got the jewelry because they insisted on it even though I said I didn't need anything. My parents paid for most of the wedding. His parents are sephardi haredi and mine are American secular.

amother

Forestgreen

Fri, Jun 12 2015, 7:42 am

jpf-at the time yesheivish leanings. my dh couldn't afford and personally I think its wrong to use charity to buy all these gifts, many of which are unnecessary ....
he got me a ring that he was basically "forced to" by pple who wanted to pay for it, I bought fake pearls and gave them to him to give me as a yichud room, he bought me bracelet with his own money for a few hundred and that was it.

I bought him his kittel, taliesim- a set of mikraos gedolos tanach because he was getting a nice shas from an unrelated source and didn't want a chasan shas.

Personally I think these rules should be banned.... would save the frum world a lot of heartache.

shabbatiscoming

Fri, Jun 12 2015, 9:13 am

MO/DL, no rules. My husband got me an engagement ring that we picked out together. I bought him a talit because he asked me to.
And my future MIL wanted to buy us candle sticks and kiddush cup, so when she came to Israel to visit us once we were engaged, she bought that.
No shas and nothing else.

Ruchel

Fri, Jun 12 2015, 11:30 am

Those rules spend money on things people may already have or not want. I am not familiar with rules except:
50/50
girl family pays wedding in their town and boy family engagement in their town
girl getting an engagement ring
boy must own the wedding ring (buy it, or buy it symbolically like from his parents if it's a family ring)
some extremely charedi do not do a ring for engagement but a necklace for ex

amother

Lemon

Fri, Jun 12 2015, 12:08 pm

We are chassidish. When I got engaged/married many years ago, b"H, kein yirbu, my chosson bought me a beautiful gold watch. My chosson already had a set of shas and did not want a gold watch, so he asked me if I'd do a set of shulchan aruch instead. I also got him a tallis, a kittel...I think that's about it. I did not get a shaitel from the chosson's family nor any other jewelry... and we started married life with a set of stainless steel candlesticks. We both did not have much money and stuck to necessities.

amother

Maroon

Fri, Jun 12 2015, 4:11 pm

Chassidish here.

For my engagement party (vort) I got a diamond bracelet. Choson got nothing. For the tenoim I got a diamond ring and choson got a gold watch. Then for every Yom tov that we had durin the engagement gifts were exchanged. Like Purim I got gold watch and choson got a megilla. Pesach I got a necklace and choson got a kiddish cup. Shavuos I got a silver vase with flowers and hubby got choson shas. The longer the engagement, the more presents.

I had a very long engagement due to my parents schedule. So I ended up getting and giving lots of gifts.

I did not get candlesticks from my mil. That is my grandmas gift to her grandchildren. But in our circles it is something the choson mother buys the kallah. Please don't bash me as entitled or anything. I am going according to my community norms. But my mil always tried to get out of it. By all her other kids. Whenever she married off a boy she said that the candlesticks belongs to the girl and when she married off a girl she said that it belongs to the boy to buy.

amother

Slategray

Fri, Jun 12 2015, 4:55 pm

It depends on what you can afford, and what community you are from.The kallah got an engagement ring, watch, 2 jewelry sets (one gold, one silver with diamonds), bracelet set 3 that go together (3 tone silver), machzorim, siddur, Tehillim in leather, silver candlesticks and tray, framed Beracha for candle lighting, vanity tray with matching picture frame and ring holder, 3 perfumes (asked her sisters to see what she liked), make up kit with travel case, evening bag, everyday purse and matching wallet, fur jacket, leather gloves, personalized bathrobe and matching slippers, money for the Mikva, really nice shabbat serving trays.This is typical in our community, standard, not extravagant in any means, but those that can't afford it do less. My DDs got similar gifts. The gifts are usually given at the bridal shower for everyone to oooh, and aaah,but we decided not to, and plus she didn't have a bridal shower. The Chatan got watch, 2 tallitot with tallit bags (matching tefillin bag for everyday) leather machzorim and siddur, silver kiddush cup, silver and diamond cufflinks, shas and other sefarim, a nice leather belt and leather wallet. This is what my son got and more or less what we gave DDs chatanim.Again you do what you can afford.Of course everything needs to be packaged matching perfectly to the decor of the bridal shower. Since we didn't give the Kallah her gifts at the shower I gift wrapped everything very pretty with big bows. I used napkin rings to decorate the packages. Some things I put in decorative keepsake boxes, the ones that stack.

seeker

Fri, Jun 12 2015, 5:07 pm

amother wrote:

Which community is this?

mommy321

Sat, Jun 13 2015, 1:49 pm

amother wrote:

Is this a joke/parody?