Sibling jealousy - general issues and specific dilemma

amother

Seafoam

Wed, Jun 17 2015, 1:15 am

I have a 4.5-year-old who is at the same time kind and generous but also a jealous type (always looking at what others have and wanting it and feeling like she has less even if that's not technically true), and a 2.5 year old who wants to be and do everything just like her big sister and has not yet quite developed an understanding of property and possession.

I do firmly support both kids' right to their own possessions. I will enforce that 2 yo needs to ask 4 yo before using something that belongs to her, and vice versa (which happens less often because 2 yo does not have a lot of exciting personal property yet.) I also encourage sharing when appropriate, while still retaining ownership. This sometimes ends up with issues because 4 yo will let 2 yo play with her toy but then 2 yo has a fit when 4 yo wants it back. But in attempt to teach them both about ownership, I make her give it back, sometimes by force which I don't really like doing but am not sure how else to make it happen.

So between 4 yo's jealous tendencies and 2 yo's not-yet-developed personal/property boundaries, I could use some general advice about how to keep the peace and teach them about boundaries at the same time. And minimize the amount of drama, trauma, noise, etc that happens when there are conflicts.

OK that was the general problem. Now here's the other question: I am very tempted to just limit the amount of personal property each kid has so as to avoid these struggles. Toys that belong to the family I can more strongly encourage sharing. But on the other hand I'm not sure that's the best idea anymore, because it's just a fact of life that you don't always get to share everything. I did not have any siblings close in age to me so when I was 4 I had a lot of what I considered personal property, while my 4 yo has only a couple of toys, prizes, and projects that are hers alone (she also has her own drawer to store her personal things) Majority of toys and such are family property. I feel that maybe, possibly, at her stage of development maybe she needs to start having more things to call her own to have more sense of self? I have at times bought something that I said is mostly for her but does belong to the family so should be shared occasionally - for example a jump rope, I said I bought it with you in mind because you are big enough to use it, but my intention is for it to be shared with 2 yo just enough that she doesn't feel sad that she didn't get one. That worked out OK. But do you think she needs more stuff or is it OK for me to continue having things I buy be family property?

OK now the question gets a little more intense, lol. That was also a somewhat more general question, how much property does a 4-year-old need and is it good or bad to have most things belong to the whole family. Now I happen to have an immediate dilemma: I won a prize in a chinese auction that is something 4 yo would LOVE. It is really most suitable for her age and also something she has been interested in already. It is an expensive item and there is no way I'd be buying one on my own for 2 yo neither now nor when she's older. It's going to be the only one in the family. 4 yo has also been giving us a hard time with various behaviors and I was thinking this might be a good motivation for her to have as a prize for some really big behavior chart or something. But I doubt 4 yo will be interested in sharing such a special toy and I am sure 2 yo is going to be VERY jealous of it. It's also a little unfair that most new/exciting/big things go straight to 4 yo. 4 yo tends to FEEL like she has less and takes it hard whenever 2 yo gets something new, but the reality is that most things 2 yo gets are hand-me-downs or belong to the family. She takes it in stride most of the time I think because she doesn't know anything different, but that's a little sad, isn't it? I guess she has time as she grows to get more property... I do have other things I can give her to be her own but they are not in the same category as this new toy (think cool electronic gadget vs doll) so even if I do something like that to even out the property thing, she will still be plenty jealous of 4 yo's new toy which is different than anything else we have ever had.

So, would it be wrong to give it only to 4 yo and leave 2 yo jealous, or would it be wrong to make it a "family toy" and deprive 4 yo of the chance to have this special thing be hers just so sibling won't be jealous? WWYD? (about the motivation thing, she is not so hard to motivate. I could do a reward chart for going out for pizza instead. $2.75 each, not as hard to even out the score as a $60 toy!) Maybe I should just have more confidence in my 4 yo who really is kind and generous, and trust that if I give it to her she will let 2 yo have just enough turns with it to make it not so unfair? And maybe in a couple of years she won't be as into it and it will downgrade into a family toy eventually anyway? I never know what to do in these sibling situations! They are each other's best friends and best entertainment but it gets so complicated sometimes! There's been so much conflict and tattling and competition lately. And school isn't even out yet. It's gonna be a loooong summer...

amother

Orchid

Wed, Jun 17 2015, 7:19 am

If you are not going to be able to buy the 2 year old something comparable to the special prize don't give it ti the older one alone.

I am the second girl and I can tell you all the special things my big sister got because she was the oldest starting with her tricycle. When there was one doll, guess who got it because she was older?

Giving to the oldest doesn't take away the oldest's jealousy. My sister is jealous of everything of mine. I have to hide from her when I get new cars or go on vacations. She looked up my house on Google Maps and was upset it was bigger than hers.

My advice would be not to set them up on competition. The 4 year old will soon enough get her own personal property through school things etc. Don't give the 4 year old the special toy unless you can also later buy one for the 2 year old.

saw50st8

Wed, Jun 17 2015, 7:31 am

I disagree with Orchid. You need to teach your kids that each child gets what they need and some of what they want and that may be different for each child. That's true with toys, activities, clothing etc. That's not to say you should never buy your younger child anything new. I try to buy something new for my second son sometimes because most of his clothes are hand me downs (which he doesn't mind) but he feels bad when his older brother and younger sister get a new wardrobe for the season and he gets nothing. Buying an extra shirt or two keeps him happy, but I'm not buying him a comparable size wardrobe new because he just doesn't need it. . Younger kids also often have the big ticket items that their siblings had to get for a birthday (like bikes and bigger stuff). There are benefits and drawbacks to every family position.

As to how much personal property - IMO, not that much. I think a drawers worth is fair. Kids don't actually need that much and too much stuff is overwhelming for kids to take care of and keep track of.

Unless something is super special, toys are family toys. Birthday presents are the owners property for a short duration after their birthday, unless it's something that's really special for them. When one complains about them, I remind them that their sibling is also sharing their bike/game/ball etc.

As to the special toy - what about making TIME with the special toy a reward? Rather than giving your 4 year old ownership, give them "rental" privileges, but make yourself the owner.

amother

Orchid

Wed, Jun 17 2015, 8:40 am

saw50st8 wrote:

I agree with you. I probably didn't express myself well.

My older sister got all the stuff and felt special. Now as ladies in our 50s she gets upset if I get anything better than her. It molded her. I grew up with hand me downs sometimes and nothing others. I never get jealous, nor do I look at what others have because I have been conditioned to expect nothing. We are both considered well off. My sister is worth many more millions than me, yet she is upset about what I buy. She wants only to have the best between us.

I tell the story that she hides anything bad from me and I hide everything good from her. I actually go on vacation and text her like I am home. I drive old cars to see her. I don't wear my best jewelry to simchas that she will be at.

I think your advice of making it a family toy to be rented out is great.

Iymnok

Wed, Jun 17 2015, 8:53 am

Don't treat them as equals. Give them what you think they need. My 7 year old wants a prize because her 3 year old brother got one. I told her that she got prizes too when she was potty training. It's fair but different. Also, don't get too involved. If no one will get physically hurt iq try to stay out of the way and let them figure it out themselves. They actually learn how to.
I don't know if anything I said is helpful...

amother

Aqua

Wed, Jun 17 2015, 9:24 am

I don't know if this is bad advice but I think you're overthinking things a bit. I grew up a middle child in a large where most things were shared and I had a minimum of personal items and I never had an issue. Jealousy is totally normal for a 4 year old- don't feed into it by thinking what you can get her to make her less jealous, that would just make it worse long term. Same for your 2 year old- it's normal for a second child to have more items that happen to be hand me downs. As long as she gets new things every once in a while, she'll be fine.

In general, I think toys and books should be family property, unless you think the younger one would destroy it. Things like jewelry, stickers, a particular animal- those can be personal property and shouldn't ever be required to share.

In terms of the new item- IMO definitely save it as a family toy. You can just get her a smaller items like you mentioned. She'll be just as happy and it will be a lot less complicated.

Ruchel

Wed, Jun 17 2015, 2:25 pm

I have relatives who grew up onlies, or not only but very jealous, and believe into "not causing jealousy" by buying just the same, or like X needs shoes so Y gets them too "because s/he'll want something too". Or even, bringing a small gift for the other kids on a sibling's birthday.
I told them that they can do this at their home, but not happening at mine :p
They were surprised there was no meltdown...