What would you have done? Wild playdate...

amother

Ruby

Tue, Jun 23 2015, 3:25 am

5 yr old ds had a last minute playdate at our house with a friend that we've never had over before. We are in the process of moving, so we don't have as many toys around as usual. But we have tons of playmobil, a few board games, markers and stickers, and a huge porch, so I figured we could make it work without them getting too bored. Plus, I'm a preschool teacher so I'm very familiar with entertaining this age, even if it's just games like Follow the leader type. The mom told me that I should just call whenever she should come - she is a 5 minute drive away.

The two of them started playing with Playmobil and after a little while, they started getting bored, so we moved onto a board game. Then the other kid just went wild. And I mean WILD. He started spitting at my son and smacking him. Then he moved on to my 6.5 yr old dd and started pulling down her skirt. Immediately, I told him that we do not allow that in this house and I suggested we all go outside and I would bring out popsicles. In the meantime, someone knocked at the door, I opened it a crack, the kid pushed me out of the way and ran out of the door into the hallway of my apartment building. I called after him and told him he needs to come back. I had my 2 year old in the house and was so torn about what to do - to run after him? leave her behind? He wasn't stopping, so I ran up the stairs and grabbed his hand. I looked him in the eye and I said "In my house ONLY the mommy opens the door and kids are ONLY allowed to leave if the mommy says it's ok. You are NEVER allowed to do that again when you are playing in my house. It's dangerous." I led him back inside, locked the door and opened the door to the porch. The kids all ran out to play and I went to my freezer to take out popscicles (it's on my porch). Next thing I know, I hear glass shattering. Someone had dropped 2 empty wine bottle on my porch (which I obviously had not seen) and the kid threw one and smashed it all over my porch. My 2 yr old made a beeline for the glass. I grabbed her and ordered everyone inside. At that point, I did not trust that the kid would stay on the side of the porch while I cleaned it up, so I figured I would just leave it as is, lock the door, and clean it up after the playdate. I told all my kids not to touch the glass an that we were going inside. I told the kid that we don't throw glass bottles. Sure enough, on the way back into the house, we grabbed the next bottle that he saw. I took it out of his hands right before he smashed it.

I called his mom as soon as we got back in and told her that I think he is bored and to please come. She she'll be there in a few minutes. I tried to engage them in a game while we were waiting, but the kid started telling my son to take off his pants and he started pulling his shirt, etc. He started saying things like "I see your tushie. I'm going to see your p***s!!" I was at my wit's end at this point, so I called my son aside and asked him to please go by himself into the other room with a book and I would come as soon as his friend leaves. Kid immediately started on my daughter and she started crying. He finally grabbed some markers and started coloring and then his mom showed up ...20 minutes later. I was so happy to see them leave.

What in the world would you have done??? I felt completely out of control. I couldn't hold him down or punish him - he's not my kid. Plus he wouldn't have listened anyway. And when his mom didn't come right away?? I was so shaken up, as were my kids, that I didn't say anything to his mom when she came. I figured I would call her later. But what would I say?

imaima

Tue, Jun 23 2015, 3:33 am

I am so sorry to hear that!!! What a disaster!!! I don't even know how I would have dealt with this situation.
I think you should definitely tell the mother what has happened. I would probably say something like " I hope your kid is not upset we sent him out so early, he did XYz and we couldnt deal with it".
And about all pulling down pants buisness... I have no idea.

JMM-uc

Tue, Jun 23 2015, 3:59 am

You were AMAZING!

I don't think anyone could of handled this better.

I think I would of lost it and called the mother way before you did!

Last edited by JMM-uc on Tue, Jun 23 2015, 8:46 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Ruby

Tue, Jun 23 2015, 5:13 am

My son told me that all the kids talk like that in his class. I know that there has been a major potty mouth issue going on there, but this was crazy, in my opinion.

chani8

Tue, Jun 23 2015, 5:34 am

I guess you wont be having him over again.

Honestly, I don't see much good coming from play dates. After school the kids are already tired. I keep it family time. They get plenty of play time and chaos and have to deal with wild kids all during school hours.

Brownies

Tue, Jun 23 2015, 6:12 am

I think you handled it really well. I can't imagine what I would have done in a similar situation...I don't know if I could have stayed as controlled as you were. I think you should tell his mother something but I have no idea what! Sorry!

Tue, Jun 23 2015, 7:16 am

You should say something to his mother about his behavior so that she knows. Something like "I just thought you should know that xxx acted kind of wild in my house today and I thought you might want to know." She either will or won't, and if you end up hanging up feeling stupid, that's life. But assuming that this is typical post date behavior, don't you think she should know???

I don't fault her for coming after twenty minutes - you didn't say he's hurting my children and destroying my house, you said he's bored. Bored can wait until she finishes the chapter and her coffee or whatever.

IIf your son says this speech is typical of the class, I would call the teacher to discuss it. (Without mentioning names, just the general concept of speaking nicely)

amother

Linen

Tue, Jun 23 2015, 7:17 am

Those are signs that the kid was abused. This is normal behavior for a s-xually abused child, not for a normal child. I would deff talk to his mother, but I would try to talk calmly and sensitively. You can start with a "feeuuew! That was some playdate. Things were very wild.." Wait to see how she responds. If it is "oh no, what did my son do?" you have an opening. If she says "yeah, kids will be kids" gently try to give a detail or two about how it wasn't regular kid behavior. If you talk slowly, and react on the spot to her emotional responses, the conversation will work. If you plan a whole speech, it will NOT. Maybe she doesn't even know her kid was abused! This can be very important for her to hear!
About how you acted--I think it was perfect. You made sure everyone was safe, called the mother when the son got too crazy--thats is exactly what you should have done.

imasinger

Tue, Jun 23 2015, 7:29 am

I do see the point of play dates in general. It allows kids to know each other differently from in school, and can help create good friendships. But maybe not after a long school day.

B"H, you and DS now have gotten to know that this kid is bad news. Poor guy. He must not have an ideal life; either nobody is spending sufficient time to teach him, or he has issues that require help and treatment, or both.

Aren't you glad that the first playdate was under your roof? Dealing with the 2 year old and the escape, the broken glass, the language, the clothes pulling -- it all pales compared to the thought of DS being around this kid outside of your supervision or the school's.

In your shoes, I'd just call the mom and tell her very factually what happened.

Notsobusy

Tue, Jun 23 2015, 8:42 am

I had a similar story, although mine seems tame compared to yours. My fiver year old dd had a friend after school. Every time I turned away, my 10 month old started crying. It took me a few minutes to figure out that the friend was pulling her hair and pushing her down every time she stood up. Once I realized what was going on and told her to stop, she tried doing it in front of me. I had one of my other kids take my baby away, while I called the friends house. The older siblings were home, they claimed they couldn't get through to their mother. I ended up driving the kid home myself, there was no way I was keeping her in my house another minute.

sky

Tue, Jun 23 2015, 10:13 am

Wow! that sounds horrible
I don't know what I would have done other then calling the mother. You sound like you were on top of the situation.

amother

Vermilion

Tue, Jun 23 2015, 11:39 am

There are really two things going on here in my opinion.

I had a child (now basically an adult) who was very active and very difficult - similar to the one you describe. You could not let your eyes off of him for a minute. Always fighting, always running to the sink to fill something with water and empty it. (I had the water dials turned off under the sink) and a child lock locking the doors under the kitchen sink, which I had to unlock whenever I needed water. That was at a younger age, but continued to be very difficult and challenging for many years.

The active/difficult behavior is also manifesting itself with the getting undressed - which may be a cause for concern - not so clear here. Not sure if it's just his difficult-ness applying itself to that topic/area or not.

It's hurtful to get calls when you're the mother of the "difficult" child. It may be best to say, he seemed tired, overwrought today. Is he always very active? You can put the blame on yourself a bit, lack of toys because you are moving etc. .. Then you could tell her your concerns with the undressing issue.

amother

Emerald

Tue, Jun 23 2015, 12:34 pm

amother wrote:

It's hurtful to get calls when you're the mother of the "difficult" child. It may be best to say, he seemed tired, overwrought today. Is he always very active? You can put the blame on yourself a bit, lack of toys because you are moving etc. .. Then you could tell her your concerns with the undressing issue.

I disagree. I have a child who was also difficult. I strongly prefer the factual approach rather than a sugar coated lie and trying to read between the lines.

As a proactive mom I want all the honest feedback I could get. One gives me something to work with. If I heard OP's story with my child being the difficult child, I would suspend play dates without my direct supervision for awhile. I would also consult with a therapist.

imasinger

Tue, Jun 23 2015, 1:03 pm

amother wrote:

Yes, exactly! Well said.

amother

Ruby

Tue, Jun 23 2015, 1:09 pm

OP here:

To tell you the truth, because we are moving and will never have a playdate with him again, the ONLY reason why I would call his mother is because I am concerned about the seeing and threatening to touch private parts. To me that is a huge red flag.

To whoever mentioned it, there was no option for me to drive him home - I'm in Israel, no car, and a bunch of little kids at home. And for all I knew, his mom wasn't at home either...

amother

Ruby

Wed, Jun 24 2015, 5:46 am

My main concern and point of posting this, is that I really felt completely out of control. I had no idea what to do and if something like that would ever happen again, what would be the right thing to do? Let's say it got worse and he wasn't happy with the markers and started more bad behavior? It was really unnerving...

imasinger

Wed, Jun 24 2015, 8:16 am

Perhaps,at a minimum until, say first or second grade, you might routinely plan any first playdate to be short, outside, and preferably with the other parent handy. "Let's meet in the park and have the boys play together."

If the kid has issues, you will know pretty quickly, most of the time. Then, a first playdate at your home might be best as a short time, too.

There are no guarantees, but I think the level of crazy you experienced is not so common that you have to figure out some strategy.

animeme

Wed, Jun 24 2015, 8:27 am

My strategy: I do not usually allow my kids to watch videos on the computer during playdates. But in circumstances like these, I would (and have) make an exception. It tends to keep the kid's attention long enough for the mother to arrive, and it usually keeps them fairly quiet. They're not interacting, but that's what you want here. I do this when a child is being too aggressive or clearly overtired, etc.