His girlfriend is moving in with us.

amother

Denim

Tue, Jun 23 2015, 4:55 am

DS asked me if his girlfriend Shir can officially move in with us. I thought she was already living here. (sigh)

These two are in the middle of a big drama now, because Shir's sisters said terrible things about my son, and that slander was the last straw for my son, who demanded Shir choose him or them. Her family is apparently very dysfunctional and abusive, and my son said to me, "I can't handle her family anymore. I was raised to have zero tolerance for abuse." I think perhaps I should enjoy that tidbit of nachas.

Anyway, yesterday, there were two very angry young men, Shir's brother and BIL, screaming at her outside my front gate. So much drama. I stayed out of it. But only by mistake. Had I realized what was going on, my mama bear instinct might've kicked in and I would've tried to rescue her.

So, this is how my gifted, ADHD, sensitive son has turned out. With a girlfriend who needs rescuing.

amother

Denim

Tue, Jun 23 2015, 5:47 am

amother wrote:

How old are your DS and his girlfriend? Do they have jobs? Do you like her? Do you have room in your place for another person?

Any chance this will blow over?

You obviously don't have to answer anything - just thoughts I had.

Wishing you siyata d'shmaya.

They're both 20, and he works, and she's in the army, and they have my son's room in the basement. She helps me a lot. She cooks, likes to make us dinner and desserts, helps make shobbos, and cleans up all the time.

So she's the opposite of difficult. In fact, the reason her family is so upset at her, is because my son takes her away from all the work she does for them. She's a total giver, and they rely on and even use her. Because she spends so much time here, they are trying to shame her by calling her a doormat that my son walks on, when they are the ones who treat her like a maid. They taught her that to be loved, she has to do for people. Sad, really.

Anyway, I am a bit nervous about all the drama and emotions happening right now. Thanks for listening.

imasinger

Tue, Jun 23 2015, 6:48 am

Does your DS have someone in addition to you that he can get advice from?

If it weren't for her dysfunctional family, what would you have said to the request for her to come live with you?

Do you think that she and DS make a good team, or a poor team?

What is Shir's experience with family drama? Does it usually blow over, or do they never let a perceived insult go?

Do you agree that DS was right in making his ultimatum? If yes, does that influence your feelings about having her live there? If not, how do you think he could have been true to his sense of justice and still done?

What limits do you have to be sure you are not taking advantage of her, nor she of you? Do you have any kind of written agreement?

amother

Denim

Tue, Jun 23 2015, 7:42 am

imasinger wrote:

Thanks for these questions.

I was bothered by the ultimatum. It felt controlling to me so I tried to get him to back down on it. I wasted my energy explaining how he should be more gentle with her. Confusingly, this ultimatum was more her idea. They had been talking about her breaking free of her family for a long time, but she could never do it. With this recent attack on my son's character, it became an opportunity to tell the family that he was giving her the ultimatum. This way, the family can hate him and blame him and she can doesn't have to be the bad girl. She'd rather they think she's his doormat than think she hates them.

Like I said, so much drama.

I really like Shir and until recently, thought she was perfect for my son. Then, about a week ago, she said something critical to me about my son, and I got worried that she was losing her respect for him. Now, I think she was just trying out a criticism that her sisters were pushing. We'll see how it goes. I think without her sisters' voices ringing in her ears, she'll get back to being tolerant toward my son's imperfections.

ora_43

Tue, Jun 23 2015, 9:13 am

So your son actually gave her an ultimatum, or she lied and told her family it was an ultimatum when it wasn't?

How do you know her family is abusive? Did she say that? Or did your son say that? Or do you know it yourself, from knowing them?

Has she told you that she needs rescuing, or is that what your son says?

In general I don't think it's a good idea for young people to get more serious about a relationship just to escape a bad situation. Moving in together is a big step. You don't want Shir, or your son, to find themselves in a situation in another few months where they want to break up but feel trapped because otherwise she has nowhere to go.

I agree with Rutabaga that a neutral therapist sounds like a good idea.