Mistakenly not invited

amother

Linen

Thu, Jun 25 2015, 10:53 am

A good family friend of ours just made a chasuna. I wasn't able to attend, as it was out of town, but my Dh did go.

They are having a few sheva brachas here in town. We weren't invited. The rest of our family, who isn't as close to them, (they are only friendly with each other bc of us), were invited. Now normally I don't think I would be upset, what actually makes me upset, is that I think this was a mistake made by the hostess, not by our friends who made the chasuna.

We pretty much helped raise the kid who got married and share all of our simchas together.

I know what will happen at the sheva brachas. Our friend is going to look at my family and ask them "wait? Where are A and S?" and mil is going to say "well, they weren't invited". And our friends going to feel really bad that we weren't....

But I wouldn't dream of inviting ourselves. A tiny part of me feels like it wasnt a mistake, but I really doubt it. If anything the hostess did think about it, but maybe had too many ppl already. Even though we are probably closer friends then the others attending.

Not sure what I'm asking, but I felt like posting anyway.

Thanks for listening.

Kumphort

Thu, Jun 25 2015, 11:04 am

We had something similar happen at our 7 brachos. We told the hosts invite the "cohens" assuming that they knew which "cohens" to invite.
After the 7 brachos we asked y were those cohens here?

I can't see of any classy way to rectify the situation though

If you know the hostess. I think it could be ok to Pop in at the end just to wish mazel tov

amother

Periwinkle

Thu, Jun 25 2015, 11:56 am

Unlike a wedding, the Sheva Berachos is not hosted by the Chassan/Kallah or their parents.....it's someone else who is footing the bill and the guest list is up to them.

In addition, the guest list for Sheva Berachos is much smaller - if it's not catered they are usually cooking a set amount of portions, and if it is catered, the minimum is very small and usually full - an extra person will cost the hostess more.

We recently made Sheva Berachos in a restaurant for a niece, jointly with a few siblings. We absolutely needed to keep to the minimum as the cost was really at our limit. So the Sheva Berachos was really just for close family - aunts, uncles, and first-cousins of the Kallah.

It was kind of annoying when someone said to us that they couldn't make it to the wedding, could they come to Sheva Berachos. Sheva Berachos is not an alternative night to the wedding. If you miss a wedding, you miss it. We were all already stretched to the limit with costs for this Simcha, and not about to obligate all of us to an extra $$$ to accomodate a couple because they missed the wedding.

Bottom line....the hostess does not have to invite you or anyone else to Sheva Berachos that they are kind enough to host/sponsor.

tichellady

Thu, Jun 25 2015, 12:05 pm

You should say something. A similar thing happened to me and I didn't say anything and they called me during the Sheva brachot to make sure I was ok because I didn't show up. I said I had not been invited and they said " of course you were invited" and I ended up running over during the middle very frazzled. You can email the host that you totally understand if you weren't invited but you got the impression from a number of people that you were invited so you just want to clarify the situation.

etky

Thu, Jun 25 2015, 12:31 pm

Can you have a family member who is invited call up the hostess to ask something about the sheva brachot like "can I make/bring something?" and "for how many people?" which will lead to "who else is coming"? This might create an opportunity for the mistake to be "discovered" and rectified without your involvement and with minimum awkwardness.

amother

Linen

Thu, Jun 25 2015, 12:46 pm

im not saying the hostess has to invite anyone, but in this particular case, I think it was an actual mistake.

It is being put on by several people. Money and space isn't even such an issue in this case.

My in laws told me who called to invite them, and it was someone other then the hostess. I just think there was a mix up. If the rest of my family was invited, I see no reason why we, the ones who are closer then they, wouldn't be invited.

I'm sure my friend will call afterwards to apologize, even though it's not her fault. I honestly don't want her to feel badly.

agreer

Thu, Jun 25 2015, 2:00 pm

amother wrote:

I can't like this enough. I must quote it.

EVEN if you are correct, and it is indeed a mistake, there's really nothing you can do. Sorry.
Can you arrange to see the chosson/kallah while they're in town? Invite them to a shabbos meal sometime in the future?

If you know the hostess, pop by after the meal. When she says that she's soooooo sorry for not inviting you, brush it off with grace and thank her regardless. DO NOT make her feel bad.

If you don't know the hostess, you can still pop by after the meal. Honestly, I think in that scenario it would be even less uncomfortable and very appropriate. But just for a few minutes.

Raisin

Thu, Jun 25 2015, 2:11 pm

agreer wrote:

I disagree. A sheva brochos is about making the chassan and kallah happy. Imagine you got to a sheva brochos and found it full of people you don't really know, while your close friends are not there. Also, mistakes do happen. Maybe someone was supposed to call and didn't.

amother

Linen

Thu, Jun 25 2015, 5:13 pm

I was never asking about whether I should say something or invite myself. I would never do that.

Anyway, it turns out my friend asked the host who was coming. When she didn't say we were coming, my friend called me to apologize and invite us. Of course I told her it's not her fault at all, and although we can't make it, I invited them to super next week, so they will be coming to us.

amother

Green

Thu, Jun 25 2015, 5:37 pm

Raisin wrote:

I actually had that happen to me. A relative made Sheva bra how for me, and it was really just an excuse for her to invite her friends and family over for a gourmet dinner. It's not that I don't appreciate all the hard work- I do.
Your post just brought up memories of walking in, and people asking me who I was. Them staring at me strangely, because I dress different than them. Also, I sat at a table away from my husband, next to people I didn't know. It was not the best night of my life.
I know that this Sheva brachos was prepared for since I got engaged. I appreciate it.
But, this post brought back memories...

cookiecutter

Thu, Jun 25 2015, 6:12 pm

agreer wrote:

I don't see why you think this is true. Why is there nothing you can do? OP said money is not a problem, several people offered eminently reasonable solutions, and it is fairly likely that more people will be happier if someone can tactfully pinpoint what's going on.

imaima

Fri, Jun 26 2015, 1:39 am

amother wrote:

OT, but I kinds thought that's what Sheva Brochos is for. That's why you need punim chadashim at every sheva brochos. It is for people who didn't make it to the wedding

amother

Linen

Fri, Jun 26 2015, 5:34 am

Lymnok, I posted above that my friend did call me in the end to apologize and invite us.

I'm not scared to call the hostess, I just don't want to create problems or tension, if something else was going on.

Anyway, unfortunately, as I mentioned, it's a Shabbos she's brachas, and my Dh invited guests for Shabbos. I can't cancel the guests, so we will attempt to stop by during desert, and I've invited the chosen, Kaplan, and their family, for a meal next week.