More money than parents

amother

Denim

Thu, Jul 02 2015, 6:00 pm

I doubt I'm the only one out there with this, well, I don't want to call it a problem, but situation, I guess? I come from a home where finances are extremely tight. Meaning, my parents get money from organizations, sometimes meals as well. My parents almost never know how they will pay rent or get good on the table. To make things worse, my father lost his job a few months back after being falsely accused of something. Before I was married, all of my maaser money, I gave to my parents, happily. Now BH I am married, and my husband and I BH are doing well for a recently married couple. We haven't even touched our money from wedding gifts yet as our jobs got us through the end of the year, and now BH, many husband found a job in his field, and it's great to start off! But somewhere deep inside I feel weird and kind of bad that I know I have way more than my parents do, and that my husband had a job that makes double what they are bringing in. We still give them maaser checks every so often, but I don't want to cause any crazy relationship problems by only giving them maaser, and not the ppl my husband wants to give to. But it hurts so much when I can't give to them! Anyone else in a situation like this?

piece

Thu, Jul 02 2015, 6:17 pm

I feel for you, but I'm sure your parents understand that you are married now & that you have to listen to your husband as well & cant just do what you want. maybe discuss this with your husband & see what compromise you can do to make you feel better- maybe give less money but more often......hatzlocha!

amother

Denim

Thu, Jul 02 2015, 6:26 pm

It's not that my husband Doesnt want to give, that's totally not it, I just don't want it to get to the point where it causes friction because we are always giving to them and not to the ppl he is close to, who he knows really need it. Kind of, it's something like that, hard to explain my feelings. I don't mind giving other ppl, but I know my parents terrible financial situation.

Raisin

Thu, Jul 02 2015, 6:32 pm

I'm sure it is a great weight off your parents minds that you are financially ok.

I definitely agree your parents take priority over other people. Same if it was your husbands brother or parents who needed money - they would also take priority over friends. Also, it sounds as if at least some of the trouble is not your parents fault (father losing job)

I can't believe your husband should have have a problem with this. However, guess what, if he does, in life you are going to have lots of things you disagree on. Learning how to deal with that is an important part of marriage.

Hatzlacha!

mummiedearest

Thu, Jul 02 2015, 6:37 pm

op, your parents should be your first priority. however, if your maser exceeds their basic needs, you can give the rest to others. why not talk to a rav about your halachic obligations here? you can't support everyone. it would be best if you could help find your father a job, or even pay him to babysit if you have kids. I know that arrangement works out well for some.

whatever you do, try not to feel awkward about this. put it this way: if you didn't make more than your parents, your kids would have to support you later. I'm sure your parents are grateful for the help you can give them.

amother

Denim

Thu, Jul 02 2015, 7:15 pm

Thanks everyone Smile

again, it's not that my husband doesn't want to give my parents. He was actually the one who mentioned last time that we have to give them our maaser check. Its just that I feel bad, I don't want it to become a thing that we always give them And nobody else. I don't want it to come to the point where my husband feels he is supporting my parents. And no, unfortunately, what we give them barely makes a difference, but I know they appreciate it.

amother

Black

Thu, Jul 02 2015, 7:19 pm

Op, I know what you're feeling. I am in a similar situation.
First of all, I don't want my parents- especially my father- to feel bad that we are giving him money. It breaks my heart to think that he might feel humiliated. So I think we want to try to find a roundabout way to give them money in the future.
Second of all, we are iy"H buying a house, and I am so nervous to tell my parents. I know they love me with all their heart and will be happy, but I feel bad to have a house that's bigger and much nicer than theirs Sad

So many awkward and unpleasant feelings involved. You phrase it perfectly- its not quite a "Problem," it's a situation...
I will be following this thread for advice.

amother

Tan

Thu, Jul 02 2015, 7:53 pm

Certainly you shouldn't feel guilt. At least in the USA, among immigrant groups children were expected to do better than their parents. My grandparents sent my parents through college although my Zeide was a fairly low paid garment worker. In turn, my parents subsidized my grandparents by giving them low rent in the two family house they bought in Brooklyn and my Bubbe was my care giver which enabled my mother to work more easily outside the home.this just seemed like part of the natural order and everone benefitted from the arrangement and not just financially of course.

Is there someone closer than parents who need charity? If not, why would you give to a stranger rather than parents. And, as suggested, perhaps you can find ways to pay your parents for help you might be paying for otherwise.

L25

Thu, Jul 02 2015, 8:14 pm

'm reading the op differently.... people are telling op that her parents come first, she should explain that to her husband...I'm hearing that her dh isn't saying otherwise its op who its an issue for. She knows that there are other people that her dh would like to give to if she didn't have to give to her parents. She's therefore worried that he will come to resent it. nowhere does she say that he actually resents it, it's just a fear of hers...I'm not belittling the fear, its an understandable fear... I'm just labeling it...
I think many/all of us have things about us/ our life that we wish were different for our dh's sake and can feel guilty that our dhs have to deal with it.... I think that's the issue here.... op correct me if I misunderstood....

amother

Seagreen

Thu, Jul 02 2015, 11:38 pm

I understand you op. Here's what I would do.

Buy your parents gifts.
when you see your mother needs new shoes or a coat tell her how happy you would be to be able to give her something small after all the years she raised you so wonderfully.
Pay your parents to babysit and invite them for meals.
When you go for shabbos or yomtov do all the grocery shopping while you are there and make sure the house is fully stocked when you leave. Explain it away as of course you should help pay for the food since you are staying by them.

Make it sound like everything you give them doesn't come close to repaying them for the great childhood they gave you and its your privilege to give back to them now.

If you are comfortable enough one day you could even buy them a house with the explanation that you are buying it as an investment for the future and you need someone to live in it so it should be them. If they have pride you can charge a tiny amount of rent.

imaima

Fri, Jul 03 2015, 12:07 am

amother wrote:

Thanks everyone Smile

But you are not supposed to be giving to "anybody else" when your parents are in need. They come first.

amother

Sienna

Fri, Jul 03 2015, 2:17 am

amother wrote:

I was in this situation as a single, living at home. I paid lots of the expenses, including rent, but it didn't occur to me that was maaser... I also used to pay for whatever shopping I did and anythung else I picked up or could think of. I tried not to make a big deal about it or mention it since I know my mother felt bad about this. My mother was able to sign on one of my accounts and I know she used it as she needed. I saw this as the simple right thing to do. (Now that I am married, I am in a diffrent situation, with minimal income, and my mother tries to help me out!)

justforfun87

Fri, Jul 03 2015, 6:39 am

My kids are still young but I love them so much that I would be delighted if they have more than I do. That is how parenting is. They are probably getting nachas that you are making a nice living and married well. I am not in the same situation but I like the idea of using maaser to buy them things so it doesn't seem so charity like. Maybe take on one of their bills, like electricity and have it automatically deduct from your account. That also is one way to keep it from feeling like you are just handing over a check.

amother

Orchid

Fri, Jul 03 2015, 7:10 am

OP

Unless your DH needs to give to family members of his own, hilchos tzedoka mandates you should give to your family before others. There is nothing to feel guilty of following halacha in the best way which you are doing.

Total different scenario but it is an emotional thing. A sibling of mine passed away as a young parent, it was heart wrenching. I felt guilty doing x, y,z because how can I enjoy anything when my loved one is no longer here. But when you look to the Torah which tells you exactly how to behave during avelus, you know Hashem does not want you to do more so you should not feel guilty. In your case Hashem, wants you to give maaser to your family you are following the halacha doing the right thing don't feel guilty. Use your emotions to daven with Kavah that your parents financial situation will turn and they will be able to support themselves.

justcallmeima

Fri, Jul 03 2015, 3:26 pm

I like the suggestions of paying for things for them without handing them a check. If you know their landlord, give him/her post dated checks for the next year to cover their rent. When they call the landlord to say "We're going to be late with the rent this month" he/she can say, "no problem, it's already covered". You can choose to tell them or not. I really don't think you need to worry about dh feeling resentful. He sounds like a mentch and a half.