Help.... I feel sick to my stomach

amother

White

Thu, Jul 02 2015, 6:48 pm

I'm a total wreck.
I caught my 11 year old son sneaking off with my phone. my kids keep figuring out my passwords... so I usually try to keep tabs on my phone. when I asked him if he has my phone he lied and said no, but then I managed to get out of him the truth. something made me suspicious so I decided to check my history on my phone, and I'm sick to my stomach.
since sunday he has been searching on google different things all of s$xual nature! he watched a few explicit videos on youtube!!! when I confronted him, he admitted to it, and said it's only since sunday. and that his friend told him what to look for.... He's 11 !!!!!!!
I'm so shaken up, I have no idea how to proceed. the irony of it, is that my husband is so dedicated to our kids, we have what I thought was such good communication with the kids. My husband took the time a while ago to explain to him the changes that will happen to him with puberty...etc...
when we asked him why he did it, he said he was curious.
How should we proceed????
I don't want him to chas veshalom get hooked on [filth] embarrassed

any help or advice would be appreciated

FranticFrummie

Thu, Jul 02 2015, 7:00 pm

First of all, take a DEEEEP breath.

There is no [filth] on YouTube. Plenty of raunchy rated R stuff, but no [filth]. YouTube censors are extremely strict, and they will delete stuff so fast it will make your head spin.

My DD at age 10 did the same thing, shortly after getting "the talk". It's normal and natural for them to suspect that you're not giving them the whole story, and "holding back the good stuff for later."

This is the time you sit down with DS and your DH, and make sure that DS knows that he can ask either of you ANYTHING, and that you will answer him in a straightforward, honest, and non shaming way. There should be no blushing, stammering, or brushing off of his questions - EVER.

Find a kosher book about boys and puberty for him, and let him review the material in privacy. He'll want to read it over and over again, because that is a lot of information to process. One "talk" is not going to be enough.

Next, talk to him about stealing your phone, and lying about it. There needs to be consequences about that. If he's allowed any electronics, you need to take away that privilege for a certain amount of time.

All of the above needs to be addressed in a non emotional, matter of fact way. Anything you do to make things emotionally charged will only backfire and create more problems for everyone.

Welcome to the wonderful world of puberty! Hug

Ema of 5

Thu, Jul 02 2015, 7:11 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

unfortunately this is not true....do a search on youtube (or rather dont) for kamasutra.....I cam accross it accidentally, when I was looking for a video for something else. im sure there are other too.

Quote:

My DD at age 10 did the same thing, shortly after getting "the talk". It's normal and natural for them to suspect that you're not giving them the whole story, and "holding back the good stuff for later."

This is the time you sit down with DS and your DH, and make sure that DS knows that he can ask either of you ANYTHING, and that you will answer him in a straightforward, honest, and non shaming way. There should be no blushing, stammering, or brushing off of his questions - EVER.

Find a kosher book about boys and puberty for him, and let him review the material in privacy. He'll want to read it over and over again, because that is a lot of information to process. One "talk" is not going to be enough.

Next, talk to him about stealing your phone, and lying about it. There needs to be consequences about that. If he's allowed any electronics, you need to take away that privilege for a certain amount of time.

All of the above needs to be addressed in a non emotional, matter of fact way. Anything you do to make things emotionally charged will only backfire and create more problems for everyone.

Welcome to the wonderful world of puberty! Hug

I agree, its very natural, but I disagree with your reasoning. I dont think its that they think the adult is holding back, I think that its really curiosity. these are all mostly new concepts, and theyve never actually seen anything s-xual before, so they are bound to be curious. definitely have a talk with him, CALMLY and answer all of his questions. if you arent comfortable, have your husband do it. but make sure its not a joke or uncomfortable. let your son know that you are NOT upset or disappointed, and that he can always come to you or your husband.
re: stealing the phone and lying, there definitely needs to be a consequence, and I think FF is right. let it be a natural consequence...you were not honest with my phone last time, therefore you cant have it for xx amount of time.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Jul 02 2015, 7:19 pm

amother wrote:

I think your son's admission of guilt and ability to explain his actions to you are a sign of your relationship being okay, not the opposite.

YES. Exactly. Same thing with DD. She's 12 now, and totally not into boys at all. She just wanted information from a purely academic point of view, not because she was thinking about experimenting.

When she got ahold of something that was TMI for her, she was like shock

and decided that maybe she was not ready to know more! She stopped herself, and is perfectly happy thinking of boys as "guy friends, but not, you know, like THAT." LOL

amother

Chocolate

Thu, Jul 02 2015, 7:35 pm

I want to point out that addictions develop as an escape from emotions, and thrive on shame.

Avoid shaming your child. Make sure he knows the subject is not shameful, and that one mustn't feel guilty about this curiosity. It's human nature, and Hashem gives us the curiosity and the willpower to use it for the good. We use our higher brain to determine when an action is appropriate to take, but the feeling behind it (curiosity, in this case) is not wrong.

You must use your judgment to decide if it's time to talk about the beauty of a private intimate relationship, but when you do, make sure he is clear that s-x itself and the curiosity about it is not something bad. Perhaps you can have a talk about the harmful effects of [filth] (post if you want references) and the inhumane aspects of it.

P.S. It's not just religious people who have an issue with [filth].

amother

White

Thu, Jul 02 2015, 8:46 pm

eema of 3 wrote:

I agree, its very natural, but I disagree with your reasoning. I dont think its that they think the adult is holding back, I think that its really curiosity. these are all mostly new concepts, and theyve never actually seen anything s-xual before, so they are bound to be curious. definitely have a talk with him, CALMLY and answer all of his questions. if you arent comfortable, have your husband do it. but make sure its not a joke or uncomfortable. let your son know that you are [b]NOT upset or disappointed, and that he can always come to you or your husband. [/b]
re: stealing the phone and lying, there definitely needs to be a consequence, and I think FF is right. let it be a natural consequence...you were not honest with my phone last time, therefore you cant have it for xx amount of time.

op here,
thank you everyone for your responses. Of course I told my son I was upset... I don't understand why I shouldn't.
We had a talk with him about shmiras ainayim, and how certain things are inappropriate at his age to discuss or see. My husband spoke to him for 1/2 an hour in a positive way.
we punished him for lying.
I'm just scared, because in this day and age, everything is at your fingertips, and very visual also. even though he's a good kid, and we communicate etc... the temptation is soooo great!
when I was a kid, being curious meant looking up words in an encyclepedia or dictionary. or sneaking into my parents bathroom to read the readers digest.... lol
How can I ensure that he doesnt do this again, and maybe at a friends house?

amother

Chocolate

Thu, Jul 02 2015, 9:23 pm

If I may be so bold, you can also set your phone to block adult content. Perhaps a filter may be a good idea too.

The reason you shouldn't express anger at his curiosity (the lying and stealing is a separate issue) is to keep the dialogue open. It's okay to explain why it's inappropriate for him to do this, but in a calm way. Shmiras ainayim must be his choice to keep, not something he does out of fear from you. Because you know what happens the minute he's out of your sphere of influence... which is a lot sooner than we think.

In general children should be taught that all humans struggle with their baser instincts (in many areas) and must rise above that and choose the right action. Terrorizing them into following rules (even mitzvos) is not darkei noam.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Jul 02 2015, 9:33 pm

amother wrote:

Agreed. Give your son a strong sense of morality and responsibility, and teach him to respect women as human beings, not zex objects. Empower him to be an upstanding young man, and he'll take care of himself.

When DD hears her friends talk about zexy things, boys, etc. she says "That is inappropriate, and I don't want to hear it." She knows that zex is a gift from Hashem, for married people to do in private, and that people have no business discussing private things.

She will walk away until the conversation becomes normal again. This is NOT easy for her, because she is an extremely social child, and thrives on peer approval, so don't think I'm making it sound easy. The only way you can prevent future problems is by instilling a sense of integrity in your child, then let their internal compass guide them.

amother

Aquamarine

Thu, Jul 02 2015, 10:20 pm

[b]GET RID OF YOUR PHONE!!!!

You do realize that whether you like it or not you are leaving PLAYBOY around. He is only a little boy. He doesn't even have a yetzer tov. You can talk until you are blue in the face, he may not be able to contain his impulse.

Before you say you need it, think of his future wife and what she may have to live with, that's even if he isn't addicted.

You would never allow your child around another child who was a bad influence. Why at this point wouldn't you "have an accident" as in drop your phone and break it tom while you are cooking and say Daddy and I decided to go with a simpler phone? You wouldn't have to embarrass your son, force him to lie and then punish him for it and then rehash the whole embarrassing episode with both parents. This whole problem is your fault as his parents to protect him from bad things.

amother

White

Thu, Jul 02 2015, 10:32 pm

amother wrote:

op here
I totally agree with you, locking it is not enough obviously. my husband is taking it first thing tommorow to either take off internet if possible or put on filter/locks etc.
we are trying our best

shevi82

Fri, Jul 03 2015, 3:44 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

and decided that maybe she was not ready to know more! She stopped herself, and is perfectly happy thinking of boys as "guy friends, but not, you know, like THAT." LOL

There is a major difference between 12 year old boys and girls. Nothing to compare.

amother

Orchid

Fri, Jul 03 2015, 4:19 pm

One day, I think I went to put away laundry, I found one of those flyers you get in the mail from department stores. It was the lingerie department. In my son's drawers.

So, do you get clothing catalogs in the mail? Do you make sure your husband/son doesn't see them?

Okay, you can find worse on the internet. But you can find some things that are pretty assur on bus advertisements. It's not easy to live in this generation.

What was the quote? Something like this: A person is exposed to more shmutz on the street in one second today than our great-grandparents could have seen in a whole lifetime in the shtetl.

amother

Ruby

Sun, Jul 05 2015, 10:26 am

imalady wrote:

How can you ensure that this doesn't happen at a friends house????

How can you ensure he won't do this again with a friend in your house?

Yeah it's possible. No bubble's impervious. But with a relationship, things should be ok.
I would let my son use our very filtered computer without my supervising carefully and that was a mistake. There were still things his friends told him to find and unfortunately he saw stuff he shouldn't. BH he's really shtark and I'm very impressed with choices he's made as far as friends and commitment to learning and school and I think we're ok. Maybe it's a good thing it happened it's a wake up call for everyone. Good luck!