Advice on hosting a Border

amother

Wed, Jun 20 2007, 4:49 pm

My husband and I are considering having a border, a High School girl, for a year. We would not be interested in accepting money, rather time for help with the children and food prep. Does anyone have experience in this, any suggestions, things to keep in mind, etc...

We are a youngish couple with 3 small children.

Any comments would be appreciated!

amother

Wed, Jun 20 2007, 6:55 pm

I was going to say, we have a paying boarder and at the end of the day I don't think we are earning much.
a teenager ..costs, and at the end of the day, you are banking on help you don't know that you will get, especially if she is in high school.

amother

Wed, Jun 20 2007, 8:15 pm

alot more money on food than ud usually spend with 3 small kids! hs girls are packing lunches and taking snacks ...

also theres much more electricity, water...

if ur going to ask for help then u have to be EXTREMELY clear beforehand. almost like a contract. make up what u want and when u expect it and when u dont. dont just speak to the girls parents but to the girl herself. otherwise ull have resentment. also dont expect anything and I repeat anything more than u specifically ask for. although u can expect that if u have a bag of cookies in the freezer they might not be there a week later, unless u specifically asked her not to touch it.

also one girl is going to be comfortable staying alone, without someone else? what about yichud if that comes up?

I grew up in a community that didnt have a dorm so there were alot of borders and 60% of the time one or both of the sides were unhappy

good luck!!

BrachaVHatzlocha

Wed, Jun 20 2007, 8:18 pm

I have a girl staying by me for now, but a 21 year old. Definately the food will add up. So you might want to factor that in and set a certain amount of time a week you'd like her help.
While I can't help with how it is to have a teenager in your home, also keep in mind less privacy, you might feel uncomfortable serving cereal for supper, etc. good luck!

amother

Wed, Jun 20 2007, 8:47 pm

teenagers and adults also have more expensive taste in food then kids do.
think -avacados, about 3 helpings of meat at a meal, mangoes, etc
also an unmarried girl will have no concept of leaving over treats that there should be enough for the kids.

Its all little things that add up.
Also your privacy is SERIOUSLY going to be diminished.
as far as help is concerned, some girls are very helpfull, and others are clueless when you need their help.
are you the sort of person that is comfortable saying when you need help?
I'm not
It really depends on your personality, for some people it works, but you need to know what you are getting into.
taking her without money will cost you, unless you were planning on paying for a "live in" nanny anyway.

Seraph

Thu, Jun 21 2007, 5:09 am

I boarded by a family two years ago, and it was quite awful. They included as part of the bargain that I would help babysit the kids, and my "rent" would be less.

However, I was required to babysit the kids at their convinience- and if I had a job, they expected me to not show up for work that day, and babysit their kids instead.
When they went away for a shabbos meal, I was left to fend for myself.
If they went out for pizza, or something, I could expect no supper...
And if I came back a second after curfew, I could expect to be locked out of the house. (Even though I had a key, they dead bolted the house.)

Whatever you do, make sure you have VERY clear cut rules what you expect, etc, and treat your boarder as a person with feelings and rights.

(Just wanted to add, that after that HORRID experience with that boarding family, I also boarded with a lovely family and had a completely opposite experience and loved them to peices and felt part of the family. But the first situation definitely taught me what things should be asked BEFORE starting to board somewhere...)

DefyGravity

Thu, Jun 21 2007, 9:48 am

I think you're better off taking money. Most high school girls are busy with homework and friends, they don't want to be at the beck and call of someone else. Especially someone they don't know and don't necessarily feel comfortable with.

At the end of the day, she'll resent you for her workload, and you'll resent her b/c you'll feel like you're not getting your money's worth from her.

mamaluv

Thu, Jun 21 2007, 10:05 am

[quote="DefyGravity"]I think you're better off taking money. Most high school girls are busy with homework and friends, they don't want to be at the beck and call of someone else. Especially someone they don't know and don't necessarily feel comfortable with.

At the end of the day, she'll resent you for her workload, and you'll resent her b/c you'll feel like you're not getting your money's worth from her.[/quote]

Defy I must tell you, I really enjoy your posts, you always have such wise advice.

shopaholic

Thu, Jun 21 2007, 11:15 am

OP - I had a boarder this year, paying. I would never do it again. We weren't even looking for one. His father was depserate the night before school started. My biggest problem was that I was busy with 3 little kids & he would hover around waiting to ask me something, or to be fed supper, no matter how many times I told him to help himself. Also - our privacy was totally gone.

Raisin

Thu, Jun 21 2007, 12:55 pm

Yes, I also think it is better to take money and then pay her by the hour for babysitting, helping etc. It will be more motivating for her. (it's her parents who will be paying so she won't feel like she's saving money the other way)

And also if she is not helpful you could could get someone else.

greenfire

Thu, Jun 21 2007, 1:28 pm

high school girls that go away from home are sometimes looking for a break from a hard or stressed out family life ... to expect for them to be the "live-in" is just horrid ... girls need to be girls ...

a specific instance comes to mind of a girl boarding somewhere because her mom had triplets and didn't want the teen to feel overburdened ... I saw her overburdened with the amount of help the family she lived at demanded from her - I bet her mother didn't even realize this ...

LisaS

Thu, Jun 21 2007, 1:32 pm

I boarded with a family for two years while I was in highschool. It was a very positive experience because they treated me like a daughter. They drove me to friends houses, went to parent teacher conferences about me, expected me to tell them when/where I was going. They took interest in my friends, helped me with my calculus homework, etc. and did everything they would for a daughter. In turn I was so happy to help them around the house and loved them to pieces and now 10 years later am still close with them.

A lot of it depends on the relationship you create with her and make her feel she is one of the family. It could be a postive experience for everyone.

MommyLuv

Thu, Jun 21 2007, 8:50 pm

From what you are all writing here, for it to work out well, it's almost like a short-term foster child moving in with you.

That takes a certain type of person....

a lot of commitment to be there for the teen, and expect her to comply with the house rules, and work on making it a positive time for everyone....
It's not a decision to be taken lightly Confused