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I think I'm just not good at Mothering.
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Tue, Jul 14 2015, 11:42 pm
Zero compassion is the best way to describe it. Or no more patience is a better word?

*sigh*

I was never an expressive person and hard to show love. I never needed more than a nod or small talk. I don't like to share feelings. I'm an introvert. Things that make others emotional don't touch me. But what makes me emotional or hurt will only hurt my heart. I don't cry for comfort or pain. I like peace and quiet and can't be bothered by chatter and am sensitive to loud noise. I shy away from crowds and don't go for social outlets. I like to be alone.
I've come a long way. BH I have a wonderful supportive dh. I am much better than I was in the past.

BUT..

with a head strong 5 year old and a super sensitive 4 year old, life is a bit challenging. I am constantly going out of my way and completely out of my natures comfort zone to make each kid happy. The babies needs take up time too and toddler/preschoolers who challenge every move and push all buttons.. Ya know? I'm stretched real thin. Paper thin. Some nights I go to sleep and tell myself I wish it was just a bad dream.
For those who expressing emotions come naturally probably won't understand this part.. But seriously. Do you know how much effort it takes to hug a kid throwing a tantrum? Do you know what it means to smile at a kid and listen to their school stories? Do you know how much effort it takes to play a game/puzzle and show interest? Do you know how super annoying it feels to listen to kids tapes almost all day long? Can youn try to think what it feels like when a kid wants to just be a kid and sit on mommys lap and mommy wants to cringe cuz she hates to cuddle but can't push the child away?? Do you know how hard it is to read a story to a child? Can you imagine my anxiety level when a kid asks a gazillion questions and or just wants to schmooze? Can you imagine what it feels like to shop for kids? Or what it's like to take them to the park or out for pizza? Play dates? School stuff. Doctor appointments. Family simchos and parties.. AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Tonight, after a particularly hard day, I came to a terrifying point. I realized that I have no spunk left from the little I ever had. I don't think I have any patience left for anything. I wake up overwhelmed after going to sleep overwhelmed and start my day stone cold. No compassion. No spark. It's as if I'm on auto pilot. I do what I must and countdown the minutes. In the morning I count the bus time. Then the nap time so I can read a page in the magazine ALONE in QUIET and then count to bus time again. Then count to kids bedtime then to my bedtime then to morning cuz the night is so scary.

And I realized now how I'm so burnt out from constantly, um, looking for the right word. Uh, performing? Burnt from constantly doing the opposite of my nature? Burnt of trying to be a normal mom, not even a good mom, just being normal. I'm constantly in over stress mode about my fails and I cannot focus on getting better. Constantly beating myself up for yelling at a kid or not showing enough interest. I want my kids to know that I really love them. I want them to FEEL it now when they're young and not turn away from me when they're older. I'm sad over the nights I put my kids to sleep with a heavy heart and I'm torn over the fact that I'm wallowing in self pity but can't bring myself to snap out of it. I wish there were some magic to make me that calm smiley mom that her whole life revolves around her children. And I wish I knew the magic spell that can make my grumpy helpless self more upbeat caring and compassionate.

I just feel like going onto meds. Meds that will take this horrible pain away. Meds that will make me laugh for no reason and show my kids that I DO have a spark of life.

OR
Tell me I'm the crazy one and I should just go count my blessings and not complain?


This was long. If you read till here, thanks!
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amother
Violet


 

Post Tue, Jul 14 2015, 11:47 pm
I'd say you were HSP--a Highly Sensitive Person. Please go read about people like this--I am among them--and take the quiz there. http://hsperson.com/

I know this "term" sounds contrary to how you are feeling about yourself, but your description sounds dead-on.
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Tue, Jul 14 2015, 11:53 pm
Just want you to know that alot of what you describe isn't unusual for a more typical mom. I also sometimes, yell, get impatient, don't want to hear long stories, want my kids OFF my lap etc.

I'm not proud of it but it is what it is. So why your challenges I would give yourself a big pat on the back for pushing yourself so far and for doing so well!
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WriterMom




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 14 2015, 11:53 pm
Oh my, I see *so much* of myself in what you wrote.

I am MO and have a career I love; obviously I don't know if these are your circumstances as well. But something that helped me was going back to work. I felt awful; I swore I would be a SAHM and even planned to homeschool but I just cannot. I get something from using my skills and teaching and research that brings me joy and fulfilment, and makes me a better wife and mother when I'm at home. And I made peace with having a smaller family than I had initially thought I would, because I found the infant and toddler years almost debilitating, for exactly what you describe.

Is there room in your life to make some similar choices?

And perhaps a ray of hope: parenting kids old enough to read and think and debate is a delight, for me. Once they're about 7 or 8 it's like a switch is flipped, and it's less about endlessly playing with dolls and trains and having them want to be physically joined to you, and more about conversation and ideas that are interesting and fun.

Meds? If you need them, they're a blessing, but talk to your DH and trusted friends/relatives and your rav as appropriate to see what choices within your family and your community could stack the deck in your favour. In the short term, is there any possibility for you to go on a weekend retreat? Get a few hours a week of childcare to do your own thing, whether that's a long walk, going to a library, pretending you're out of the house and then just going to bed?

Hugs and good wishes!
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Lady Godiva




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 14 2015, 11:56 pm
amother wrote:
Zero compassion is the best way to describe it. Or no more patience is a better word?

*sigh*

I was never an expressive person and hard to show love. I never needed more than a nod or small talk. I don't like to share feelings. I'm an introvert. Things that make others emotional don't touch me. But what makes me emotional or hurt will only hurt my heart. I don't cry for comfort or pain. I like peace and quiet and can't be bothered by chatter and am sensitive to loud noise. I shy away from crowds and don't go for social outlets. I like to be alone.
I've come a long way. BH I have a wonderful supportive dh. I am much better than I was in the past.

BUT..

with a head strong 5 year old and a super sensitive 4 year old, life is a bit challenging. I am constantly going out of my way and completely out of my natures comfort zone to make each kid happy. The babies needs take up time too and toddler/preschoolers who challenge every move and push all buttons.. Ya know? I'm stretched real thin. Paper thin. Some nights I go to sleep and tell myself I wish it was just a bad dream.
For those who expressing emotions come naturally probably won't understand this part.. But seriously. Do you know how much effort it takes to hug a kid throwing a tantrum? Do you know what it means to smile at a kid and listen to their school stories? Do you know how much effort it takes to play a game/puzzle and show interest? Do you know how super annoying it feels to listen to kids tapes almost all day long? Can youn try to think what it feels like when a kid wants to just be a kid and sit on mommys lap and mommy wants to cringe cuz she hates to cuddle but can't push the child away?? Do you know how hard it is to read a story to a child? Can you imagine my anxiety level when a kid asks a gazillion questions and or just wants to schmooze? Can you imagine what it feels like to shop for kids? Or what it's like to take them to the park or out for pizza? Play dates? School stuff. Doctor appointments. Family simchos and parties.. AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Tonight, after a particularly hard day, I came to a terrifying point. I realized that I have no spunk left from the little I ever had. I don't think I have any patience left for anything. I wake up overwhelmed after going to sleep overwhelmed and start my day stone cold. No compassion. No spark. It's as if I'm on auto pilot. I do what I must and countdown the minutes. In the morning I count the bus time. Then the nap time so I can read a page in the magazine ALONE in QUIET and then count to bus time again. Then count to kids bedtime then to my bedtime then to morning cuz the night is so scary.

And I realized now how I'm so burnt out from constantly, um, looking for the right word. Uh, performing? Burnt from constantly doing the opposite of my nature? Burnt of trying to be a normal mom, not even a good mom, just being normal. I'm constantly in over stress mode about my fails and I cannot focus on getting better. Constantly beating myself up for yelling at a kid or not showing enough interest. I want my kids to know that I really love them. I want them to FEEL it now when they're young and not turn away from me when they're older. I'm sad over the nights I put my kids to sleep with a heavy heart and I'm torn over the fact that I'm wallowing in self pity but can't bring myself to snap out of it. I wish there were some magic to make me that calm smiley mom that her whole life revolves around her children. And I wish I knew the magic spell that can make my grumpy helpless self more upbeat caring and compassionate.

I just feel like going onto meds. Meds that will take this horrible pain away. Meds that will make me laugh for no reason and show my kids that I DO have a spark of life.

OR
Tell me I'm the crazy one and I should just go count my blessings and not complain?


This was long. If you read till here, thanks!

Oh, dear. You are stretched thin!
Try not to yell at your kids too often, make them yummy (easy!) dinners and tell them you made it for them because you love them, hug and kiss them good morning and good night--regardless of how you feel about them at the moment--and you are a good mom.
Things get a little easier as they get older. At least the physical parts of parenting get easier.


P.S. You may want to take a nice long birth control kinda break.
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Tue, Jul 14 2015, 11:58 pm
It is completely normal to feel overwhelmed by the endless tasks and responsibilities of motherhood but it sounds like you are suffering from depression- not just from being an introvert. Depression will distort your feelings and emotions and make every single physical task (like smiling or reading a story) extremely difficult. Meds can help. Have you ever seen a psychiatrist?
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Kugglegirl




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 15 2015, 12:01 am
You must get out & away from the house & kids. For an hour by yourself & not at the grocery store. (around here we have "craft night"- a standing date for ladies at the local coffee house--& yes, it's only for an hour--- the crafty thing is that it is a regular occurrence, so DH is not surprised when I announce that I am going out tonight & he is in charge to hold down the fort for an hour)

If possible, find some where to escape to an adult setting where you can have a little conversation with other adults & not interrupted by tiny people.--- library, coffee house, pottery painting studio---

Personally, when mine were all tiny, I found that work & graduate school (at different times) was a great help to my sanity. I was a much better mommy when I had time away from the children.

Even if you do not make much beyond the cost of the child care-- some kind of regular work where you leave, go to a different setting, and can put your mind in an other place for a few hours---

Some kind of work that suits you-- giving you the space away from too much interaction, with a few people who appreciate your qualities----

It is mind numbing & overstimulating for many of us to be with the tiny children all day long.

I am sure you will feel like a better mommy after you have some time to yourself.
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 15 2015, 12:11 am
You are doing great. Yes, all that work is tiring. Your feelings about it sound normal to me. I think you are a hero.

They know, they know. They just can't show it at this age. Later you will have children who will cherish, honor, and defend you.

The effort you are putting out will come back to you.

Hugs.
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amother
Babypink


 

Post Wed, Jul 15 2015, 12:26 am
I totally understand you. I wish we can speak Because I'm precisely what you described.

What helps me sometimes is to take an overnite break.
DH tells me when he can take some hours off from work, I leave to any hotel in the area, myself or with a friend, and I just relax there until the following afternoon.

I feel reset when I do that.
It's hard, come back here for encouragement.
It's where you'll find many moms in your shoes.
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rowo




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 15 2015, 6:28 am
I agree with the others, you need to make some time for you. Your need for time and space of your own is a real need.
'The highly sensitive person' is a great book, also 'Quiet'
They will help you understand yourself. And if your husband reads them as well, it will help him understand you as well.
It does sound like you are feeling pretty low, that you have pushed yourself really hard. You might benefit from speaking to a professional. To help you out of this rut and to help you establish a routine/structure that suits you, without overwhelming you.

Ive come to terms that my kids aren't going to have their hyper crazy fun with me, we do other things together. It's just a small thing that you mentioned but you dont have to listen to kids CDs all day. Don't feel guilty, kids can know that mommy gets a chance to choose sometimes as well. Or in the car, when they all want to talk - sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode, trying to concentrate on driving and give them all the attention that they want, plus there's usually a cd on as well. I sometimes just need to call a 10 minutes of quiet - no talking to mommy.

Also I find when I feel that I'm pushed to my limits I find it even harder to be tolerant - of the noise, touch, whatever it is.
So hopefully once you've worked out a way to make things less overwhelming, (with therapist, meds, whatever it is you need) you'll find the little things don't bother you so much.

It sounds like you're a great mother who really tries to give her kids everything !
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Wed, Jul 15 2015, 10:14 am
Op here.

Thank you all for taking time to reply. I have more to add to your posts but it will have to be later.
I was almost sure I was going to get a beating for saying the things I said but I'm humbled by your kind responses. Thank you
I'll be back later
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 15 2015, 10:18 am
WriterMom wrote:
Oh my, I see *so much* of myself in what you wrote.


You were on hiatus for a while, weren't you.
Glad you're back.

OP, I have nothing to add. But I added my voice in liking the posts here.
When kids get older, sometimes they may wish their parents could have given them something else. But healthy people will appreciate their parents for giving them what they could, and you have been doing that and then some. Hatzlacha figuring this out and we're here for you while you do.
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sourstix




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 15 2015, 11:20 am
I didnt read your whold post looking at your heading I understood what you are feeling. I feel that way sometimes. all mothers go through that. but and here is the but. that kind of thinking makes you more down and not come up with solutions. its negative self talk. it brings you and everyone else down. when you stop that and just think of solutions you will spend less time on the negative and more on the positive. first believe in yourself. no matter how bad you made yourself sound. you arent bad. the fact that you have these thoughts says you think about it and your kids. that means you care. and care very deeply. just shift it to positive. look for the good. believe in yourself and your kids. parenting takes time to learn. its not overnight. you need to see a method that works for you adn your kids. all of us here can give you ideas and parenting experience.but noone can tell you what works for you and your kids. so now read on what works for others but think about it before if its good for you. hatzlacha. hope this helps. be relaxed. flexible, at the same time have rules. I know I can talk all day. bottom line all of us have the same hardship and need to spend alot of energy for it to work. some days are harder and some are easier.
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Queen6




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 15 2015, 12:12 pm
You can still be a good mommy. Being a good mommy isn't only if you hug, cuddle, do laps, and play with Legos for hours. There are many types of mommies and many types of kids - you need to find your families blend.
Yes you will need to bend to your kids needs but it doesn't have to be all or nothing.
I'm similar to you. Laps is not my thing, sand art and Lego make me shake. Walking through a children's museum would make both my husband and I rip our hair right out!!!! Yes my children will not have certain things that other kids do but that doesn't mean we're bad parents.
The goal is finding things that you all like to do.
I love to bake so instead of Legos and sand art I pull out my mixer.
I don't like laps but I'm happy to pull up a chair for my child next to me.
We hate museums and theme parks but we love pools, BBQ, and beaches.
We make calm and quality time out of a nice lunch.
Get creative. Think of what keeps you calm and make you happy and that will make your kids happy when you do them.
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PAMOM




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 15 2015, 12:45 pm
OP, the only way I stayed sane when I had little kids was to work part time outside of my home. Otherwise, I felt I had no "me" space. Parenting is really hard. How old are your kids? Maybe we can make more suggestions. I also never took my kids grocery shopping. My husband played with thrm while I got away (and had coffee too). Sometimes I took one kid at a time places. The child had special time with me, and it's much easier to be patient with one kid. Someone already said this, but pick activities that you like to do with your kids. I hate puzzles but am ok with board games. I liked "hobo days" where we dressed in old clothes and took back packs on a hike. Each kid carried a lunch or snacks and we collected something on the way: leaves, rocks, treasures. In the summer, I put a plastic pool and plastic sandbox in the yard. I sat in a chair and watched while they largely amused themselves. Kids generally have lower expectations of what's interesting than we think. My mother wasbt very physically affectionate either, but she always listened to me and that meant more. Don't beat up on yourself. Perfection isn't good for them--then they never learn to adjust to things.
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 15 2015, 2:08 pm
I just want to highlight what Queen6 said, because she hit it on the nose!

OP, you are not the kind of mom who is currently in fashion. I'm not bashing these moms; we can all learn from them. But they have a particular style and set of skills: they never get rattled; they always talk in a calm, soothing voice; they are never too busy to listen to an endless stream of childish patter.

G-d bless them!

But in earlier eras, moms were not expected to be cruise directors on the ship of life, offering a constant round of edifying activities, cheerleading, and amateur counseling.

They made sure their kids were fed, clothed, and more-or-less cared for -- and then they told them to get out of the kitchen and go play. Now, obviously, laissez-faire parenting can be taken to a harmful extreme; that's not what we're talking about here.

I recently wrote in another thread about the fact that we seem to lose sight of the fact that rearing kids is a job that Hashem has "hired" us to do. To continue that metaphor, it's perfectly okay to hate certain parts of the job -- like dealing with little kids. You have to do your best, but you don't have to like it.

I am personally not a good early childhood mommy. I don't like other people's little kids, and I could barely tolerate my own. But I *loved* the teenage years, when many of the stellar mommies of small children pull their hair out. I loved the interesting conversations and watching each child grow into his/her skills and talents.

So stop beating yourself up and comparing yourself to mommies who love the early childhood years. My guess is that you will enjoy the parenting "job" a lot more in the future.

In the meantime, feed, clothe, and kiss your kids -- and then tell them to get out from under your feet and go play!

Btw, I started telling my kids at about age 2 that I was "not the cruise director on the ship of life." Of course, they had no idea what I was talking about, but they quickly learned from context clues that I do not consider their entertainment to be part of my job description.
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PAMOM




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 15 2015, 2:31 pm
Fox, love it! OP, my mother used to tell me that her job was to show me how to entertain myself.
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imaima




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 15 2015, 3:32 pm
I agree with Fox, and I had the same thought reading the thread about husband who didn't want to be a Jew anymore.

I thought that if he cannot be a perfect "shabbos tatty", who sings zemiros and makes a Parshah quiz at the seuda, he can be a Perfect Sunday dad, who plays football with his kids or plays computer games or bonds with them in any other way that is not particularly Jewish-related.

There is a lot of pressure to do things a certain way, the way that is advertised today as "ideal", but it only gives parents low self-esleem.

OP, I hope you realize that the majority of grown up women find children's books and tapes boring, because well, they are on a different intellectual level. Not every mother is an exciting cheerleader type, or a quiet loving type, playing with them on the floor.

There are many ways to connect to your kids, this doesn't have to be baking challot/cookies etc.
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Wed, Jul 15 2015, 3:50 pm
Thank you all for you continued responses.
Good food for thoughts.
I do have points to add I just need a few quiet moments to type it all up.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jul 15 2015, 4:25 pm
Fox wrote:
Btw, I started telling my kids at about age 2 that I was "not the cruise director on the ship of life." Of course, they had no idea what I was talking about, but they quickly learned from context clues that I do not consider their entertainment to be part of my job description.


And I would tell my kids that "I'm not their entertainment director." Baruch shekivanti?
And that they should consider themselves lucky. When my kids would say "I'm bored" they'd be answered with "Go fold some towels." As opposed to their mother, who would hear, "Go bang your head against the wall."
Sorry for the digression, OP Tongue Out
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