I think I'm just not good at Mothering.

Sara255

Wed, Jul 15 2015, 1:39 pm

One thing that helps me when I wonder if my children are missing out in some ways: just like a husband and wife are bashert, so are children and parents. Your children were given to you because you are the right mother for them. As someone who grew up with a bit of minor disfunction at home, I still stand by this statement. All my challenges growing up have helped me become who I am today. Not in spite of challenges, but literally because of them.
My children have a full time working mom who does not have patience to play babyish games. But... I have so many strengths as a mom and am a great mom in my own way and I think its healthy to focus on that.

sneakermom

Wed, Jul 15 2015, 2:31 pm

A mother has up be attuned to who she is. To copy the neighbor who makes a family choir with her ten kids or the friend who bakes her own bread and cans her homemade sauces is unsustainable.

You gotta accept your own personality. And use it to parent in a way that works for you. It's not going to be perfect. Nothing is.

I don't bake, am scattered, never play board games with my kids and dread certain parts of the toddler stage.

Therefore: I work, have cleaning help, and spend time with the kids in a way that I can tolerate. (Read them books , just schmooze).

I stay away from amusement parks (too noisy) but frequent book shops. I don't bake but I cook really well. I hardly multi task (add) but I am easy going and attuned.

dancingqueen

Wed, Jul 15 2015, 6:05 pm

So if I'm reading correctly you have 5 kids under the age of 5?? Or at least 4? Honestly mama, even many extroverts who naturally love small kids would be overwhelmed and stretched thin by that. Hang in there and would you take bc just to give yourself a bit of a breather?

amother

Slateblue

Wed, Jul 15 2015, 8:40 pm

Op here

Instead of quoting each of you separately I put together one (long) post and try to clear things up a bit.

First, I have 3 kids under the age of 5. Not 5 under 5. It doesn't help much that 2 were conceived on the pill. Yes I'm on a break. On a forever break. No more for me. Though I am always paranoid of slipping again and have nightmares that my double protection will fail.. The only reason I didn't tie my tubes yet is because I'm simply short in $ funds.

Violet amother, thanks for the link. I'll check it out tomorrow. And thanks Rowo for the book suggestions.

Of course EVERY mom gets overwhelmed when 2 kids start talking at once or demanding attention in 2 different parts of the house the exact same minute. And of course not all moms enjoy listening to school stories or play kiddie games etc etc. But being introvert and everything else I mentioned about myself in the first post only makes it harder.
When 2 kids start talking at once or one cries I literally get a headache immediately. When they start pulling at my skirt or just want to be held and touch me too closely I literally get the shudders. Some days I completely lose focus when I try to multitask. After a trip to the park or any outing I seriously lock myself in the bathroom and do breathing exercise. I get so overwhelmed it literally takes me over the edge. And then I don't want to see people or hear any noise for days.
I haven't been to a grocery in years. No kidding! Dh does my grocery orders. I shop kids clothes online and once in awhile a run out to do errands locally and I cringe for days...
I have a very hard time falling asleep and wake from the slightest noise. THE slightest. I wake when I hear a kid turn in bed or if someone snores even slightly. It's totally normal for me to get out of bed 6 times a night to fix someone's blanket cuz I heard them move around too much. And that's after sleeping with a 3/4 closed door (heaven forbid a kid find a closed door, the tantrum goes to the roof!) A noise machine plus an air conditioner. In the winter I sleep with a fan in the room. If it rains during the night, forget it. There goes my night.
So yeah. I'm always ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS sleep deprived and tired.
I can't handle any earplugs. I've tried em all. Which by the way just got me thinking that I really may be suffering from sensory issues. Could that make sense?????

Career? Job? Ha. I dropped out of college second semester simply because I couldn't handle it. I found a job that required little social interaction but after 10 years it kind of got too much. Then I got pregnant the first time and had to quit because I was so sick. I did try twice in the last 4 years to go back part time but it was just not possible. I couldn't juggle all my responsibilities and just gave up on that. I'm either a mother or a working lady. I cannot do both. *cry*
And I cannot , absolutely cannot drive. Ahhhhh I failed 2 road tests, miserably. Its just not for me.

The one thing I do for myself is get out once a week. I drop my baby off to a babysitter and go to the gym for 2 hours. It ends up being a day out cuz it's a 45 minute walk each way and I get home just in time for kids return from school. But that also means that the day before is super stressful because I make supper ahead and leave no laundry or errands to be done that day. Otherwise I cannot focus on the outing. Know what I mean?
But surprisingly enough, a getaway or a vacation is no help. I hate it. So much pre planning, getting the kids settled then feeling guilty I left them and then instead of chilling out I stress that it's almost time to go back home. Argh. So this once a week gym day is just about the most I can handle at the moment.

I do not afford weekly cleaning help. I do (or don't) whatever I can. There are way too plenty nights with dishes in the sink and the floors wait for dh's mercy. And it irks me to no end. I'm a perfectionist by nature and I cannot handle the state my house is in. If I can't have the cabinets organized perfectly I'd rather leave it. If I don't have strength to wash the table n chairs I won't bother to even wipe it down because it will make me feel horrible. It's hard to explain how this works but I hope someone who has this freaky nature too can explain it better.

It's not that I'm trying to live up to anyone's standards. I totally live my life and don't give a da** what anyone says or thinks. But I'm sure if you knew me in real life you'd think I'm a perfect mom , put together with the most adorable kids
Uhu!..

In the past, with my issues included, I was coping better than now. I was intrigued with the process of babies growing up. I enjoyed dressing them and I actually was quite ok with fulfilling their needs, whatever it was. It was not so time consuming and overwhelming as it is now. I actually enjoyed to hear them play and enjoyed to prepare crafts of color with them. I baked a lot and read books galore. I found it quite amusing when one of them drew cartoons on the walls and enjoyed to watch them get creative when they tried to break the kinder guards on the cabinets/fridge. I took pictures and taped torn books. (I kept a journal, I loved to write and I miss is terribly!) The questions and demands were half. The fighting was rare. I went on my own schedule before they were in school. My entire day revolved around getting up, making breakfast, eating, dressing changing making lunch eating changing naps once in a while play supper bath bed, you get the picture. I didn't have to make a bus. They didn't know to ask to go out. I was home for weeks at a time without being bothered. Then #3 came along. Followed by crazy 2 years. Life completely changed once I had buses scheduled and demands grew. I had a torturous time learning how to adjust from 2 to 3. And quite a few months of trial and errors learning to balance how to deal with 2 toddlers and baby stage at one time. My baby is almost 2 and I can say that I am only starting to get to myself now, physically.

So I KNOW that despite all my weirdnesses or whatever you want to call it, I was able to get over some obstacles. But now it's as if I shut down. Seriously. I feel like I lost every ounce of nerves I ever had. I just want to stay in bed and sleep. I can't do this anymore. But that's crazy to say, right? Because I ain't giving up my family and I'm here to stay. BUT.
I cannot tolerate the mess. I am sick of doing laundry every single day
I don't enjoy to find colored walls anymore. I hate to clean and re clean the same thing over n over again in the same 5 minutes. I hate to have to shop. I'm tired of the things that are required of me to do. And nothing I do or try makes it better. It's so much easier to just go back to bed and stare at the ceiling. Telling myself it gets better with age only makes me angry. I keep trying to put myself in the mindset I was in 4 years ago but it doesn't work.
I am sick over the fact that eventually my kids will feel my real vibes. I have lively spunky children and I can see them change, and it's because of me. A child cannot leave home with a nervous sad mom to school. Yes she has fun , lives it up there and comes home smiley. But what does she think on her way going and on her way back home? How crushed are her feelings when a mother just cannot fully be there with a whole heart?
And it scares me to think what one amother mentioned. Depression. Yikes. I think I'm there. Oy.....

amother

Slateblue

Wed, Jul 15 2015, 8:43 pm

Op again

And to whoever asked, no I never saw a psychiatrist. I did once see a therapist for a specific family issue and privacy was breached. I have a hard time trusting people and it will take a lot to get me to talk to someone...

rowo

Thu, Jul 16 2015, 3:56 am

I see a lot of myself in what you are saying.
Go find someone to speak to. Not for your kids or anyone else. But for you!
You aren't happy where you are now. Once you find yourself in a better place things will fall into place.
I know how you feel about opening up to people. After not feeling understood, or not connecting with someone it literally took me years to work up the strength to try someone new.
But please try! It can help you!

You're a great mom, you sound really in tune with what's going on. you care! I'm sure your kids feel that

PAMOM

Thu, Jul 16 2015, 5:13 am

OP, you aren't describing a mothering problem so much as showing us an insightful picture of a woman whose issues are constrictng her life. You clearly love your kids. I'm not a psychiatrist or psychologist and so don't offer diagnoses, but I think your description is of a person whose psychological "demons" need to be handled by an expert. Was your last therapist a qualified licensed professional? Many of us have gotten help for problems that limited our ability to lead lives that are gratifying and enjoyable. You need the right help though. If money is an issue, you can start with a local medical school. Call their psychiatry department or a university with grad programs in clinical psychiatry or social work and ask about the programs that let supervised residents/clinics treat patients on a sliding scale. The stress you put on yourself that keeps you from doing ordinary things can definitely be treated! Therapy will help you if you have the right therapist.

Last edited by PAMOM on Thu, Jul 16 2015, 6:36 am; edited 1 time in total

sourstix

Thu, Jul 16 2015, 5:51 am

reading your second post tells me you are struggling which is ok, but you definitely have a problem if your not sleeping well. sleep is the most important. you will be doing much better. why do you wake so often? why do you check your kids so often? what about the rain that you cant sleep? something tells me you or the kids have high sensory issues. I am not a professional. but something is off. figure out a way to make sure you get a normal amount of sleep. maybe do it in small lumps when the kids are in school. I do that all the time. whenever I can literally I just get into bed and ignore the mess. if I dont have sleep then noone has a decent mommy. its that simple. I leave alot of stuff undone bec of my needing sleep and it waits. if not today then tomorrow. I dont do the floor ever day. just once a week. if there are big crumbs then ok I will do that part of the floor. perfectionism is killing you. dont allow that to define how you do things. oh I used to be that way. tell yourself its better done sloppily then not at all. I used to fight my perfectionsm by deliberatly doing things not perfect and today I am ok with not perfect. it does take years. I also think it has to do with how you think of things. you think it has to be perfect. and ask yourself why. then if the reason is so good that you should feel so overwhelmed and let go of the task then continue if not then go ahead get it done. better somewhat done then none at all. you need to convince yourself of that. bec then everyone suffers including you. the laundry doesnt have to be folded perfect and the spices dont have to be perfect as long as they are on the shelf and you can find them. see what I mean? the laundry can be in the basket. your kids wont care. as long as its clean.

amother

Seagreen

Thu, Jul 16 2015, 6:12 am

Op you sound exactly like my best friend. The small details as having it hard to adjust to kid number three to the big things as not sleeping well and being worried sick about everything all the time.
Anyway finally the pressure got to her and she had a mild physical illness that required a surgery, followed by a panic attack that forced her to deal with her anxiety and the rest of it - with a therapist.
She too had a hard time trusting so she is going to a diff type of therapy - which is actually working!
She's in the beginning of the road but she's dlong so much better- being able to sleep a bit better alone made a huge difference!
And I , too, can relate to you. I'm also a light sleeper and a bit of a perfectionist and have a hard time with sensory stuff like being touched too much or noises and so on. I find that sleep or lack of it is my bigget issue . So we do everything we can to allow me to sleep as much as I can at night .
I think you should talk to a professional about your sleep / anxiety / sensory issued and find a way to CALM down more. You are making yourself crazy by thinking that you're xrqzy and how it will affect your kids.
Please research the types of help that are out there and find one that can work for you!

amother

Red

Thu, Jul 16 2015, 9:10 am

I'm concerned that the "pill" may be causing some of this.
Even a much small dose of hormone, nova ring - eventually caused me to wake up constantly from nightmares. Please check with your gynecologist or psychologist.
Also, is the babysitter close to home.
Can you send that baby out and not go to the gym, but stay home. Make it more than two hours. Maybe four or two hours twice a week.

Get the house in order, you'll enjoy doing that - you'll be doing it on your own time too.

What about a neighbor - young girl or teenager who could take the kids out in the afternoon - not expensive, give you a break - even one afternoon a week.

amother

Slateblue

Thu, Jul 16 2015, 10:44 am

Op here

Thanks for all you replies and suggestions.

Which doctor would I need to see to find out if I'm sensory? (Is there actually something I can do about it anyway?)

Therapy... Well... I asked dh to do some research and ask around for qualified names. But I have a hard time believing that talking to someone about this will help me. Just posting about this really made me feel horrible. I'm not a talker. Especially not one to talk bout my problems and go into details. Detailed convos drive me nuts. I took the courage to post but in some way made me feel very very bad instead of feeling better.

I like the idea of staying home alone. Dh says I should no way give up my gym day and I should take the baby out another day and have myself alone time at home. It's good to think about it but I wonder if it'll actually work...

amother

Red

Thu, Jul 16 2015, 10:57 am

My suggestion about not going to the gym, was. If there's a lot of stress involved in being ready for your off day, you really loose the benefit. But if you're home, you'll be all prepared and ready it'll make your life easier and less stressful. Supper ready, house cleaned, laundry done.

Can you suggest to your husband to try that for one or two weeks. Exercise is definitely very beneficial for mood. Maybe you can exercise a drop at home instead?

Chayalle

Thu, Jul 16 2015, 11:16 am

OP I think you should go back to writing on a regular basis. You have expressive talent, and you might find some relief there. If you miss it terribly, why have you stopped?

It does sound like you may be struggling with some aspects of depression. Therapy may not be what you need, but rather anti-anxiety meds to help you sleep at night. You might want to find out if a psychiatrist could help you.

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Jul 16 2015, 11:23 am

OP you are doing good work here right on this thread right here.

You are very articulate.

Oh right. You are a writer. Guess that's why you are articulate, duh. Silly me.

You have spunky happy kids, you say. Well that's a lot right there. Don't fantasize what they might think. Look at what's in front of you. I would say it's all going well.

WriterMom

Thu, Jul 16 2015, 11:32 am

I am a crunchy all natural type, but sometimes meds can be useful. Like other posters here, I'm really not about to tell you what you need! Or that you are depressed. But a couple of things stick out that are often flags for that: wishing you could sleep all the time, knowing that in the past you have coped with challenges but now they are too much, etc.

The really good news, if you are someone like me who hates the idea of drugs but might have an issue that needs dealing with, is that often they can be a short-term thing while you restructure your life and work on coping skills so that 9 months down the road you can thrive without them. Like a cast and crutches for a broken leg: you don't wear the cast for the rest of your life, or for a decade, just long enough to heal and support your weight as you move around while you wait for it to heal.

Having had your trust violated by a therapist is awful. If you want to explore whether you are depressed, start with your family doctor, if you like him/her. MDs are usually fanatical about confidentiality (because legally they have to be) and can often prescribe low doses for basic problems, and if the situation doesn't improve or it's complex, they can refer to experts.

I was pretty much where you are. The bad news is I can't really suggest anything beyond self-care, working on small changes that will pay off down the road, and asking DH and trusted loved ones for help. But the good news is it can and probably will go away, likely as the children get a bit older.

I know all too well that being told "it will be better in a couple years" sounds worse than useless when you are in the thick of it, I really do. Big hugs and sympathy.

amother

Slateblue

Thu, Jul 16 2015, 12:55 pm

WriterMom wrote:

Op here,
9 months? Did you just really say 9 months? Because in my mind anything after 9 months means a baby.
Ok, I'm kidding. I'll go back and read the rest of your post now.

amother

Slateblue

Thu, Jul 16 2015, 1:07 pm

Chayalle wrote:

I stopped because I do not have the time. When I do really have the time it's hard to concentrate when the lines keep jumping and most of it is negative thoughts. If I'm not calm or if it's not completely quiet I absolutely cannot focus.
Even just writing up these posts takes a lot of energy...

How do I go about finding a psychiatrist? How do I know who's really qualified and or right for me? (I'm in Brooklyn)

amother

Slateblue

Thu, Jul 16 2015, 1:15 pm

amother wrote:

Giving up my gym day will just be a disaster. Even with all the pre pressure, it'll be worse without. Doing exercise at home, ha. You know how it works. Once, twice and push it off....

I know I keep thinking I can't afford another day out or more cleaning help but I really do. I'd rather spend a day in bed than have to get dressed and follow around after the cleaning lady. I need to find a way to get my act together..

amother

Slateblue

Thu, Jul 16 2015, 1:21 pm

Dolly Welsh wrote:

You think I'm doing good? I don't feel so but it's nice to hear!

It's not what I fantasize what are they thinking. It's real. I do see a different kids from last year till now. That's a concern.

WriterMom

Thu, Jul 16 2015, 1:43 pm

amother wrote:

Op here,
9 months? Did you just really say 9 months? Because in my mind anything after 9 months means a baby.
Ok, I'm kidding. I'll go back and read the rest of your post now.

Ha! I thought of that Tongue Out

The reason I said 9 months is that it can take 6-8 weeks to reach peak effectiveness for an antidepressant, and most people recommend you be stabilized on them for 6 months before going off, to reduce a relapse. (Some people recommend much longer.) And if you are happy on the right level of medication some people prefer to stay on them indefinitely. But I find it much easier to think "I will try this for 9 months or so" rather than "if I do this, I'm committed for life/years and years." And of course you're not obligated to stick with it at all, it's just that most drugs aren't fully effective for an initial period, so if you're going to give it a shot, it will take a while to prove itself. (Or prove ineffective.)