3 YO -hurting the baby. I don't know what to do anymore!

amother

Royalblue

Wed, Jul 15 2015, 12:57 am

Hi everyone,
I've been putting off writing for for a while now, not sure why. But I feel that I'm at a point that I need your advice!

My 3YO son is a very speical kid. Very sensitive, has incredible imagination that takes over him at times (he goes to sleep saying he's scared of bad people, I show him the mezuza and assure him that as long as it's there bad people can't come in+I put a small light in his room), very stubborn and happy expressive loving kid!

Ever since I gave birth (over a year ago) he has treated the baby as a "thing" he hates and that's taking his place. It's as if he's the king and the baby is a servant. So by now things are better because baby communicates and plays with him so at times he's nice to her. But when baby bothers him (is in his way, takes a toy or simply take my attetion when he wants it) he litereally hurts her- pushes her away as if she wasn't there, beats her up and other violent things like that.
When he's angry he gets very violent, out of frustration. Up until recently he would start screaming and hruting ME or DH and of course the baby. He did that for a short while also in playgroup but grew out of it. He has also become MUCH better at not hurting DH and me- I kept telling him we don't hurt anyone and one day he literally hugged me and told me he won't hurt me anymore!
But the baby? - it's been getting better but it's still bad! I go crazy seeing him trying to hurt an innocent sweet little kid!

I know he's asking for attention- I give him as much as I possibly can (also one on one time, just him and me, when baby sleeps).
But I lately feel as if my entire chinuch of him was wrong:( He's spoiled and moody and he hurts the baby and I dont know what to do. So I've changed things around a bit in the house. I ask him to help out more, I'm stronger with him about potty training (we have been at it for a while now, taking it slowly as per experts advice because he's a sensitive child and generally I've been trying to look at him more as a normal kid and less as a kid at risk of being hurt because of his senstivity. I also try to create fun activities for him and the baby but many times he will just pull her hand so that she wll run as fast he is and it ends up in crying.
So I see results but he's still hitting the baby. Still treating her like an unwanted guest in his kingdom.
Playgroup is almost over for this year. They are going to be home with me fro a month and I'm nervous! How do I stop the hitting? How do I explain a 3 YO that violence is NOT an option?

Another thing- he has no concept of money which I think (?) is normal for a 3 YO but it bothers me to no end that he breaks his toys and thinks we will simply replace them with new ones. For example, he threw his truck outside of the windown (!) and it broke. He hasn't shown any regret about it and simply told me we would buy him a new one. We told him that we won't. I don't want to raises spoiled brat. I also don't want to be a hard mother punishing and screaming. I thought I was in the middle- being tough when needed and loving and warm the rest of the time but lately I feel like such a falioure.
It doesn't help that I come from an abusive household and my parents keep givign me advice as : every time he hurts the baby hurt him back so taht he sees how much it hurts. I of course won't ever do that but I feel confused lately.

Any thoughts?
Thanks everyone!