Does judaism believe in physical compatibility????

amother

Chocolate

Mon, Jul 20 2015, 10:56 pm

I specifically called it a Torah-true lifestyle. not a MO, DL, Yeshivish, Chasidish, or what not. The outwards manifestations do not matter. But Torah-true is something we can all be.

And yes, I truly believe that God is Just, His Torah is Just, and the Mitzvos are perfect for us and are to perfect us. And any issues that we have with them are because of defects in our own selves.

Regarding your claim that all will be wonderful if we did follow the torah-true way, I never said that. All will not be wonderful. Life is full of challenges and that is why we are alive. If we would be perfect, or if life would be perfect we may as well be dead.

imasoftov

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 5:39 am

bruriyah wrote:

Imasoftov,

So there is no direct mention of female org@sm in the gemara or other early rabbinic literature? Hmmm, I didn't know this. I though it was a given that they would know. Why would they not know about female org@sm? How can that be?

Also, regarding the anecdote about the woman who says to Rebbe, "I set me table and my husband overturns it..." and Rebbe's response, is the implication that the woman should just suck it up and let her husband do whatever he wants anyway, regardless about how she feels about it?

Or is perhaps the woman is being all "frum" and tattling on her husband that he wants to do something not allowed and so the rabbi reassures her that it is allowed...?

I'm trying to understand what is going on with these gemaras.

If there is one, I haven't found it. But maybe it's on the next daf ...

Another possible interpretation of her complaint is that she was worried that this could harm her children. Earlier on the page is the view that "overturning the table" causes children to be born lame. And perhaps what Rebbe and Rav mean is "no, it doesn't cause that". But it's hard to read any of these answers into either Rebbe's "the Torah has permitted you to him" (but there seems to be a certain loss of agency on her part, as if she's just an object used in a mitzva) or Rav's "how is it different from a fish?" () Or to understand the nature of her complaint. We're not even sure what "overturning the table" means.

Maybe it means backside, and it hurt (I don't know what they used for lube in those days, if anything). Maybe she just didn't get pleasure from it (not that we know if she got pleasure when the table was set in the normal fashion). Maybe it means a female superior position and she was used to a male superior. Or she thought it made her husband "less than a man" (I have no idea if today's narishkeits are that old). Or the semen would run out of her in that position and make her less likely to conceive. Or she had been taught that there was only one way to have relations. I can't tell. And I'm sure more hypothetical readings could be proposed.

But if she doesn't want to do this for whatever reason, why doesn't Rebbe say "well it's permitted, but anything that takes place between a couple ought to be done with both of their consents"? Or ask her what she doesn't like about it. And why does Rav compare her to a (currently) inanimate object? Maybe they didn't feel comfortable having this discussion with a woman? Just yesterday I read a story about a contemporary rabbi whose response to cases where rabbis have been accused of engaging in inappropriate behavior with women is that he will no longer talk to women, not even if their husbands are present. Maybe Rav had discussed bedroom preferences with his own wife before Rav Kahana hid under the bed and thought this couple ought to do the same? Maybe Rebbe hadn't yet learned the lesson of 13 years of suffering? I don't know.

Lita

Wed, Jul 22 2015, 10:17 pm

Op you wrote that your marriage is affected and you dreamed of being loved and it never happened.
That he rarely wants it and is okay with never. That you believe something is wrong.
Your words screamed THERAPY to me. If dh doesnt want to go with you, go alone.
You wrote you wanted sources, and yet when one mother wrote that her schar (reward) for being in a difficult marriage is certaintly not in olam hazeh (meaning its in olam habah) you seemed to have accepted that without asking for any jewish sources. You wrote how validated you felt reading it and how healthy it was to feel that suffering and sacrificing in this regard will get you reward. Says who?
Suffering needlesly is not a jewish concept.
Its ways are pleasant- thats Torah.
Hashem wants you to be husband and wife. Not roomates.

amother

Cyan

Thu, Jul 28 2016, 1:11 am

I am reviving this old thread because I am having hashkafic issues regarding s-x.

My husband has PE but won't do anything about it and thinks nothing is wrong with him.
If I knew a guy had it before I was married AND wouldn't do anything to fix it, I wouldn't marry him. That may sound shallow to you but that would mean signing up for a life with no s-x. Or one second s-x forever.

So it bothers me that because I'm Jewish and didn't have relations before marriage, this is why I couldn't have known.

How should I view this??? That Hashem wanted me to end up without a s-x life and be married to someone who refuses to fix or get help for this issue because he's too embarrassed to go to a doctor or admit that it's bad??

amother

Lime

Thu, Jul 28 2016, 3:13 am

amother wrote:

Don't pin this one on Hashem. Your husband is refusing to deal with his problem and thinks that his embarrassment matters more than your satisfaction. His behavior is the issue here.

amother

Mustard

Thu, Jul 28 2016, 6:36 am

amother wrote:

Is he a little to worked up before he enters? Maybe if he had very little stimulation prior to sx, he would last longer. Is that possible?

amother

Periwinkle

Thu, Jul 28 2016, 7:19 am

amother wrote:

Don't pin this one on Hashem. Your husband is refusing to deal with his problem and thinks that his embarrassment matters more than your satisfaction. His behavior is the issue here.

I'm dealing with the same issue except my husband admits he has a problem. There is honestly not much you can do to fix this. We tried anti deppressents (recommended by Doctor), condoms, numbing creams, excercises, different positions.... Nothing worked. He was maybe able to endure for a couple of more seconds. I too am upset that we couldn't have premarital s-x and I'm not understanding what g-d wants or what I'm supposed to do.

amother

Periwinkle

Thu, Jul 28 2016, 7:20 am

amother wrote:

I used to work for a urologist. there were many( frum) men with this. its is something common.there were also ppl who had a hard time making it to the bathtoom ,and bedwetting(grown adults) but this is not a reflection on him! just like one doesny purposely catch a cold, 1 doesnt do this on purpose!
so sorry op! people in this office were so embarresed to come in, but once they did,and saw it was medical and not their fault, was easily fixed with medicine..
hooe beh for ur sake he takes care of it!

Which medicine easily fixes this?

amother

Periwinkle

Thu, Jul 28 2016, 8:03 am

amother wrote:

viagra, cialis, to name a few. there are many different onrs out there(his primart dr can also give,not just a urologist)
I know some drs will do blood test also, to make sure evrrything is ok

Thank you, His blood tests came back totally fine as did his sonogram. There is no indication of a problem, medically. We are afraid to try viagra because we are still young and wouldn't want to deal with the side effects. Lexipro was recommended and didn't help at all. He also tried some diet changes and vitamins he read about. That didn't change anything either.

amother

Seafoam

Thu, Jul 28 2016, 9:35 am

amother wrote:

hmmmm...dont have a medical degreee vut did review charts and learned on job, from what I understood its usually to do with chemical makeup(let me prrface that I am not an expert, so please consult with ur drs opinion before mine!) (chemical=medical) id thibk that if u checked with urologist and bloodwork and sono were fine, possible bph(which is normal occurance as someone ages) tho u dont sound like ur married to a 50 year old. from what iv seen,these medicines are safe,and drs are on top of it...have you spoken to dr about concern with these medicines?
plus if u see side effects (unwanted ones,otger than resolving pe)u should always call ur dr and he will switch right away to diff medicine. they seem safe. my other opinion would then be psychological... is ur husband stressed?
from what ive seen on this website,plus others, alot of men dont go for the whole talk to therapist to relieve anxiety talks...

amother

Periwinkle

Thu, Jul 28 2016, 1:12 pm

amother wrote:

He's not even close to 50 years old and he's had this since we got married in our 20s. He does have a nervous/ stressed temperament. I do think it is a combination of physical weakness combined with psychological/mental stress like overthinking and being too conscious about his body and performance. Thanks for all your help and suggestions.

amother

Periwinkle

Thu, Jul 28 2016, 2:43 pm

amother wrote:

My husband had the same problem. Luckily he was willing to discuss it with his Dr. The Dr. recommended a relations therapist. The therapy was a simple start arousal, stop arousal. Nothing very complicated or invasive. We saw wonderful results in 3 months. We learned to comfortably extend f0replay so that beyond the act of p in v itself we were able to bond and extend each others pleasure.

So the therapy helped you perfect the f0replay and pleasure each other in other ways outside of p in v? The amount of time your husband was able to last p in v remained the same?