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Do difficult children ever get easier?
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 20 2015, 7:50 am
I'm really looking for some chizzuk from parents who have a child who is way more difficult than others (without any major special needs). Do they ever get easier to deal with?

In my case, it's my 4 year old daughter. She's sweet and charming and I love her to pieces but....she ignores anything and everything, doesn't make any request/demand easy, she never listens, encourages her baby brother to make trouble etc. She is also super stubborn and everything is "too hard" for her to do. Of course they are all things she does and can do herself (like getting dressed and brushing her teeth). She's sensitive to noise so yelling at her doesn't help, only makes things worse (nor do I love to yell). Punishments don't help in the long term (and only sometimes in the short term). I'm so tired of dealing with it that I just don't react well, creating a terrible cycle of making it worse.

To make matters worse, she reminds me of a certain relative who drives me crazy and stirs all these negative emotions in me.

So, does it ever get better? Will we ever have a good relationship? Or is she going to end up in intensive therapy and blame everything on Mom?
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 20 2015, 8:02 am
my oldest daughter was very very difficult at 4 years old...now she is a (relatively) easy and charming and helpful teenager. Her sister was much easier but is a very difficult and stubborn teenager.

Last edited by Raisin on Mon, Jul 20 2015, 12:26 pm; edited 1 time in total
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 20 2015, 8:13 am
Raisin wrote:
my oldest daughter was very very difficult at 4 years old...now she is a (relatively) easy and charming and helpful teenager. Her sister was much easier but is a very difficult and stubborn teenager.


Thank you Raisin! That really does help.
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LisaS




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 20 2015, 8:20 am
Raisin wrote:
my oldest daughter was very very difficult at 4 years old...now she is a (relatively) easy and charming and helpful teenager. Her sister was much easier but is a very difficult and stubborn teenager.


Wow! I could say the same exact thing about my girls!

Your daughter's innermost qualities and genetics won't change, but the circumstances around her will, and that contributes a lot to happiness and "easy-ness"
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thanks




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 20 2015, 9:03 am
Get the book "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk". It's easy to read, and has great advice for any age. The change is in your hands. You can make it happen. Good Luck.
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amother
Lawngreen


 

Post Mon, Jul 20 2015, 9:34 am
My 17 year old daughter is a perfect example. She has been impossible since she's two weeks old. Everything is an issue with her, she was always a picky eater, was never able to entertain herself, since she's old enough to play with toys until now. Bedtime was always a nightmare, getting dressed was always a nightmare. She's my oldest and she was always horrible to my other kids. She has a bad temper, we have holes in the walls and broken doors from times when she got mad (although she would never really hurt anyone, just scratches etc.) If she didn't like the supper, she would scream and rant and rave. No was never a final answer, she would just keeps going and going until sometimes I would walk out of the house, because she's embarassed to act like that in public. I can go on and on. The one positive thing was that she was a perfect angel in public and in school. Every teacher always loved her, so I always took comfort that at least she know how to be a mensch.

The past year has been incredible. She really grew up so much. She's nice to her siblings, even when it's hard for her. She'll let them use her stuff and I can see how hard it is for her to say yes. MY youngest still has a hard time believing it, she still doesn't want to stay home when she's babysitting, even though I remind her that she's not like that anymore. She tries so hard not to be chutzpadig, sometimes she forgets, but then she usually stops after. Lately she's been thanking me for the suppers and telling me how delicious they are. It's been a total transformation. There are still some bad moments, but nothing like what they used to be.
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Mon, Jul 20 2015, 9:39 am
I had this with one of my children. What really helped me was parenting classes and books. I wasn't a bad parent beforehand, but I lacked the tools to deal with kids who don't listen. B'h we've come a long way, but if I slack off, my children sense it and will take advantage. I'm still working on following the steps and not getting angry.
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amother
Silver


 

Post Mon, Jul 20 2015, 9:47 am
I have a few difficult children and very bad environment in the house. There are books etc, and what specifically helped me was taking R Brezak's workshop (based in Israel, he gives phone workshops in US etc). Basically what helped the most was his idea that kids can be difficult in this generation and you don't need to control them, rather respect them and they wil automatically do what you wanted all along. In any case, a lot has to do with changing your view of child and how you deal with her. Obviously this is a huge challenge with difficult kids, but may be easier to do at age 4 than my daughter at age 12.
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sky




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 20 2015, 9:56 am
My second son was extremely difficult as a child - he was nuts and out of control. But was also the warmest and sweetest child ever. I couldn't go places or send him places because he would sometimes destroy.
Even during this time my biggest comfort was that his teachers loved him. They said he sat quiet in class. I didn't believe they were talking about my child.

When he was 5 1/2 we discovered he had severe hearing loss in both ears that was due to fluid behind the ear drum. After he got tubes and it drained he became a different child.
It didn't make sense he had a hearing loss because he seemed to hear us, speech was ok, and was up to his class in reading. But that was our behavior salvation.

1 1/2 years later both tubes fell out and I've gotten my previous child back. I'm counting the days until the tubes are reinserted. Right now he takes incredible patience and focus. It is so difficult. and he is bigger and stronger. He is still a model student in school and camp - go figure.

My point is that sometimes there can be an underlying physical cause to the difficulties that kids have - not always - but in my case it created a different child.

(I don't want to diagnose - but maybe you should take her for a hearing test, things sound familiar, especially not being able to stand loud noises)
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imaima




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 20 2015, 10:06 am
But the tubes are supposed to fall out anyway!
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sky




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 20 2015, 10:16 am
imaima wrote:
But the tubes are supposed to fall out anyway!


They are. but in his case the fluid built up immediately again behind the ear drum. So we are doing them again. Hopefully this will be the last time. I've heard its not unusual to have repeat tubes.
Its just difficult when he doesn't have his tubes - he can't hear, hears white noise which drives him nuts, and can't stand loud noises.
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 20 2015, 11:28 am
thanks wrote:
Get the book "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk". It's easy to read, and has great advice for any age. The change is in your hands. You can make it happen. Good Luck.


I've read this and apply this but it doesn't seem to be effective for her.
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 20 2015, 11:29 am
sky wrote:
My second son was extremely difficult as a child - he was nuts and out of control. But was also the warmest and sweetest child ever. I couldn't go places or send him places because he would sometimes destroy.
Even during this time my biggest comfort was that his teachers loved him. They said he sat quiet in class. I didn't believe they were talking about my child.

When he was 5 1/2 we discovered he had severe hearing loss in both ears that was due to fluid behind the ear drum. After he got tubes and it drained he became a different child.
It didn't make sense he had a hearing loss because he seemed to hear us, speech was ok, and was up to his class in reading. But that was our behavior salvation.

1 1/2 years later both tubes fell out and I've gotten my previous child back. I'm counting the days until the tubes are reinserted. Right now he takes incredible patience and focus. It is so difficult. and he is bigger and stronger. He is still a model student in school and camp - go figure.

My point is that sometimes there can be an underlying physical cause to the difficulties that kids have - not always - but in my case it created a different child.

(I don't want to diagnose - but maybe you should take her for a hearing test, things sound familiar, especially not being able to stand loud noises)


She's had hearing tests (she used to get a lot of ear infections) but she's fine now. She's actually sensitive to loud noises and doesn't like them. I understand because I'm kind of sensitive to certain noises that drive me absolutely crazy. But I may take her to her ENT just to check. I think this is a personality thing though.
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 20 2015, 11:32 am
amother wrote:
My 17 year old daughter is a perfect example. She has been impossible since she's two weeks old. Everything is an issue with her, she was always a picky eater, was never able to entertain herself, since she's old enough to play with toys until now. Bedtime was always a nightmare, getting dressed was always a nightmare. She's my oldest and she was always horrible to my other kids. She has a bad temper, we have holes in the walls and broken doors from times when she got mad (although she would never really hurt anyone, just scratches etc.) If she didn't like the supper, she would scream and rant and rave. No was never a final answer, she would just keeps going and going until sometimes I would walk out of the house, because she's embarassed to act like that in public. I can go on and on. The one positive thing was that she was a perfect angel in public and in school. Every teacher always loved her, so I always took comfort that at least she know how to be a mensch.

The past year has been incredible. She really grew up so much. She's nice to her siblings, even when it's hard for her. She'll let them use her stuff and I can see how hard it is for her to say yes. MY youngest still has a hard time believing it, she still doesn't want to stay home when she's babysitting, even though I remind her that she's not like that anymore. She tries so hard not to be chutzpadig, sometimes she forgets, but then she usually stops after. Lately she's been thanking me for the suppers and telling me how delicious they are. It's been a total transformation. There are still some bad moments, but nothing like what they used to be.


Thanks amother! I just hope I don't need to wait 13 more years....
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amother
Seafoam


 

Post Mon, Jul 20 2015, 11:54 am
amother 8:39am here.
Try the book "Are your hands full?" By sara yaroslawitz. She has a clear method with frum hashkafos.
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amother
Green


 

Post Mon, Jul 20 2015, 1:11 pm
Not helpful, but ds12 was difficult as a child and now he's more difficult at 12 years old. Some things are different and some are the same. I'm not asking here, but I don't know what to do anymore. I'll start my own thread Smile .

Small children, small problems, big children, big problems.
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Mon, Jul 20 2015, 1:11 pm
sky wrote:
They are. but in his case the fluid built up immediately again behind the ear drum. So we are doing them again. Hopefully this will be the last time. I've heard its not unusual to have repeat tubes.
Its just difficult when he doesn't have his tubes - he can't hear, hears white noise which drives him nuts, and can't stand loud noises.


Does your son still have his adenoids?

I pulled out the adenoids and put in tubes at the same time. For my kids the adenoids were always infected and that 3/4's of the problem.
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Mon, Jul 20 2015, 1:24 pm
I have a brother who was a really difficult child but is now the nicest and easiest teen you ever met, and much more pleasant than the rest of us were at that age. My parents were convinced something was wrong,but nothing was ever diagnosed. He started mellowing out around 11 or 12.
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sky




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 20 2015, 1:54 pm
amother wrote:
Does your son still have his adenoids?

I pulled out the adenoids and put in tubes at the same time. For my kids the adenoids were always infected and that 3/4's of the problem.


yes, we took out the adenoids with the tubes the first time. His hearing is better now then the first time around b'h.
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the world's best mom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 20 2015, 3:10 pm
I would say most difficult children do get easier. How much and how soon is often dependent on how the parents deal with the kid. If you find a method you are comfortable with and put it into action, that can help a ton. Consistency is key though- you need to choose your method and stick with it all day every day. Kids do learn- maybe not from this time out or tomorrow's time out, but by next year, they will figure out what they are doing wrong- if you stick with your discipline methods throughout.

Also, having a plan will enable you to feel calm and in control so you can deal with misbehaving without resorting to yelling.

On the other hand, I see children who are very difficult and the mothers have no idea what to do with them, so they do nothing. Those children are less likely to change so much IMO.
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