Do difficult children ever get easier?

tichellady

Mon, Jul 20 2015, 6:33 pm

Sometimes a difficult child isn't objectively difficult they are just difficult for you because of a personality clash or bad behavioral pattern you have going. I have a bunch of relatives whose parents complain about them being difficult and honestly the kids are so well behaved and sweet and happy without the parents that I now think it's the parents who need to do some work to figure out why they have so much tension with their child. I am not saying this is your case and if it is that it's o"your fault", it could just be that you were given a child whose temperament is very different from your's. I would say you should find a good parenting coach or book or therapist and see if your difficult relationship can change and improve.

sourstix

Mon, Jul 20 2015, 7:21 pm

what I find is that I used to use different methods. and that is confusing. I have one method and I try to be as consistent as can be. being calm no matter what is the name of the game. whatever method it is if you are not calm and yell then the method wont work. the child needs to see you are in control. its better to not discipline when in anger then to not discipline. nothing happens if a child takes something he shouldnt or is breaking one of the laws in the house. but if your out of control and you should know what that means for you. then ignore it. nothing happens from one time. make believe you didnt see. dumb and stupid. then forget it. move on and continue. I find that that is one of my best things. I get more things out of my kids that way.

granolamom

Mon, Jul 20 2015, 7:25 pm

tichellady wrote:

well, goodness of fit is definitely an issue with a difficult child, but objectively speaking, some temperaments are universally easier to deal with than others. and many difficult children can hold it together for the relatives and then fall apart in the privacy and safety of home. Please dont judge us, we are tired and worn thin from battles you havent witnessed and probably cannot imagine. The tension comes from having to raise a child who does not respond to typical parenting strategies, its not hard to figure out.

to the OP, if you are interested in some good books I can recommend Raising Your Spirited Child by mary sheedy kurcinka and the difficult child by stanley tureki (unfortunate title but a good book). and my difficult children are definitely improving with age, and I have very close relationships with them. sometimes it feels like one reason we are so close is that we've been through hell and back together and they know I will never give up on them (which is not to say I never mess up, but ykwim).

granolamom

Mon, Jul 20 2015, 7:27 pm

amother wrote:

My 17 year old daughter is a perfect example. She has been impossible since she's two weeks old. Everything is an issue with her, she was always a picky eater, was never able to entertain herself, since she's old enough to play with toys until now. Bedtime was always a nightmare, getting dressed was always a nightmare. She's my oldest and she was always horrible to my other kids. She has a bad temper, we have holes in the walls and broken doors from times when she got mad (although she would never really hurt anyone, just scratches etc.) If she didn't like the supper, she would scream and rant and rave. No was never a final answer, she would just keeps going and going until sometimes I would walk out of the house, because she's embarassed to act like that in public. I can go on and on. The one positive thing was that she was a perfect angel in public and in school. Every teacher always loved her, so I always took comfort that at least she know how to be a mensch.

The past year has been incredible. She really grew up so much. She's nice to her siblings, even when it's hard for her. She'll let them use her stuff and I can see how hard it is for her to say yes. MY youngest still has a hard time believing it, she still doesn't want to stay home when she's babysitting, even though I remind her that she's not like that anymore. She tries so hard not to be chutzpadig, sometimes she forgets, but then she usually stops after. Lately she's been thanking me for the suppers and telling me how delicious they are. It's been a total transformation. There are still some bad moments, but nothing like what they used to be.

lawngreen, what do you attribute these changes to? and did you see tremendous change all at once, or was it a more gradual sort of thing?

sourstix

Mon, Jul 20 2015, 7:29 pm

to original poster, you sound hopeless. dont. every parent has to believe their child will be fine. no matter how bad. when the child sees you believe in them they will automatically want to do good. aside for the fact that children want to be good. so be positive and look at your childs positive and build on that. your child is only4. you have years and years to work on it. dont give up. thats what it sounds like. so chizuk to you. I have been in your shoes and I know what it feels like. just keep believing and tell your child. I know you are good and you want to do good. show me how well you could do this and ask her to do a specific thing shes good at. praise her, hug her, pick her up high and congratulate every minor good thing she does. positivity really helps you and the child. and children are children they are impulsive they will do things before they get a chance to think. tell her you know it can be hard for her but you will help her. dont make it hard for her to fix her mistakes. when my son has a tantrum over food. I firstly have told him in the past that tantrums I will send to his room. when hes ready to talk nicely he can come out and tell me. some pp say to ignore tantrums. just go about your business till they calm down. if you are consistent it can work. but sit down and tell her when she screams and yells you cant hear and you will do abandc at that time. she will see that tantrums dont get her anywhere.

sky

Mon, Jul 20 2015, 7:52 pm

tichellady wrote:

My son was really impossible at home or anywere when he was around us. But in school was an angel. Seriously. What his teacher's told me about his behavior would be difficult to believe for the best child. he was the best, more reliable, calm, well behaved child in the class.
children behave in different ways in different settings. Some children just act up at home. It isn't unusual.

amother

Pumpkin

Mon, Jul 20 2015, 8:06 pm

sky wrote:

I've got one of these too. Her teachers say she's quiet. We laugh and ask if it's the right kid.

We did find one commonality. Apparently she's been having a little difficulty with transitions in school. Nothing troublesome, but the teacher wanted to let us know and told us how she dealt with it. Voila! Maybe that's why I have so much trouble getting her to stop playing and get ready for bed.

ValleyMom

Mon, Jul 20 2015, 8:34 pm

As an early childhood for over 30 years I can tell you that 99.9% of truly difficult children grow up to be terrific young adults- with the right support system and involved parents.

I have personally seen students over and over again survive their crazy youth and turn out AWESOME.

For example:

Bob. Bob was very lively. He was so lively he went to 3 elementary schools in 8 years AND 3 high schools in 4 years.

He also graduated at the top of his class in medical school and has TWO thriving pediatric practices.

Married a terrific girl and has a beautiful baby- who I'm pretty sure will probably drive them a little crazy until he eventually grows up...

"Michal" was also a lively girl and just barely made it through yeshiva high school.
This past June she was VALEDICTORIAN from her class of 4,000 graduates from an EXCELLENT university.

She was recently accepted to a prestigious graduate school in England.

Yes. They do indeed grow up-!

Ashrei

Mon, Jul 20 2015, 8:46 pm

OP, I could have exactly posted your post word for word, right down to how she resembles a family member - and that TERRIFIES me!

I take comfort knowing that she is being raised much differently from this relative.

Everyone's comments here are great. There seems to be some wonderful feedback which I gained from as well. My takeaway for you is:

The Nurtured Heart Approach. I find this is the only method she responds to. Energizing the positive and all but ignoring the negative things she does. I've already seen changes and improvements, and not only does it affect her behavior, but it affects our entire home and my outlook as well. I can't recommend it enough. I started this when DD was 6 - I wish I knew about it when she was 4!

There is a teleclass on it, PM me and I will give you the number for the lady who runs it if you are interested ($$).

Hatzlacha rabba ^.^

FranticFrummie

Mon, Jul 20 2015, 9:27 pm

One of my best friend has several kids. The two oldest were in her words "A non-stop nightmare". They've been kicked out of schools, home schooled, special ed classes, been to many therapists and psychologists, special diets, different parenting courses, you name it, they tried it.

Suddenly, puberty hit, and things seemed to get even worse! Then one day, out of the blue, they turned into amazing young people. The girl is sweet, responsible, and helpful. The boy is a good learner and davens every day, never missing a minyan. It is nothing short of a complete miracle, because the entire community had written this family off as "hopeless".

My friend says that this gives her hope for her younger kids, because her two youngest are exactly like the two oldest. Seeing how well the older ones have turned out has given her extra patience for the younger ones, knowing that they will turn out OK in time.

Remember, the traits that make your kids the most difficult, will be the traits that make them the most successful as adults. A strong willed child will not be easily swayed by peers and will become a leader. A sensitive child will be a compassionate person and possibly a therapist or work with SN kids. Find ways to channel their traits into positive things, and don't fight the tide.

May we all see nothing but nachas from here on!

tichellady

Mon, Jul 20 2015, 9:46 pm

I want to be clear that I am not judging anyone here. I don't know you or your kids so can't tell you what I think of your parenting 😀.
I'm just saying that parents need to figure out if they are doing anything that is contributing to the "difficulty". This is sometimes easier to see from the outside.
I do judge some of my relatives ( who believe me are not on this site). One of my cousin's is 12 and his parents brought him to a psychologist because he was so "difficult". The psychologist told them that the child was a great kid and that really the father could use some therapy. This was very obvious to everyone in my family because we could see how the father knew how to push all the kid's buttons and basically taught the kid how to push all of his buttons. The father was way too sensitive with his son and also had very unrealistic expectations about their relationship.

Obviously some kids are more demanding than others and some are more annoying than others but I do think that some kids that are labelled as difficult really just have parents who can use some guidance. And we can all use some guidance, I'm a big believer in that.

End of rant.

amother

Purple

Mon, Jul 20 2015, 10:14 pm

I second the motion to check into sensory issues- especially since you mention she is sensitive to loud noises- which is a red flag for spatial awareness and may put her consistently in the "fight and flight" mode.

I am not an ot but my dd has similar behaviors and I had her screened by an OT and she highly recommended getting her evaluated for ot based upon the idea that she is sensitive to sound. Good luck

grace413

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 7:02 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Remember, the traits that make your kids the most difficult, will be the traits that make them the most successful as adults.[/u] A strong willed child will not be easily swayed by peers and will become a leader. A sensitive child will be a compassionate person and possibly a therapist or work with SN kids. Find ways to channel their traits into positive things, and don't fight the tide.

May we all see nothing but nachas from here on!

Well said. I found this very true with both my kids. If I had a dollar for every time I said "At least nobody will take advantage of them".....

I second the recommendation of "Raising Your Spirited Child". I found this book very helpful in terms of temperament/fit for both parents and children.

Hatzlacha.

saw50st8

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 7:12 am

sourstix wrote:

but consistency is the key. what do you do when she has a tantrum? do you try to appease her? give her what she wants? then she learned that that is the way to get things. a change in your behavior will give you diff results. it will take her time to learn a diff way. but she will get it in the end.

We (almost) never appease her. She doesn't get her way. She's super stubborn.

Here's an example: we were going out someplace and needed to take the whole family. She was excited about going. I asked everyone to go to the bathroom before we left. Everyone else complied, she refused. I put her on the toilet but she refused to make. I explained to her that if she didn't go then, she was going to have to wait until we got home. Predictably, when we were out, she needed the bathroom. I did not take her. She had to wait (uncomfortably) until she got home.

Yet the next time, she refused to go to the bathroom as well. Rinse and repeat. She has no issues using the bathroom on a regular basis. There's no fear or anxiety or anything like that.

This is one very small example.

saw50st8

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 7:24 am

sourstix wrote:

I definitely do the bolded. I try to have her fix her mistakes easily, but she is often quite embarrassed when she does something wrong and refuses to fix it. She once accidentally bumped into a kid and hurt him. She clearly didn't do it on purpose but I explained to her that she needed to apologize. She refused and had a whopper of a tantrum for about 45 minutes until I had to leave to get the other kids. She still refused to apologize.

saw50st8

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 7:32 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Amen!

And thanks to everyone who's posting words of chizzuk.