Do difficult children ever get easier?

saw50st8

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 7:35 am

observer wrote:

Behavioral difficulties often stem from sensory issues, which can be improved through OT.

Do any of these seem to describe her?
(Not all, as it describes both extremes).

Some of those are definitely her:

-Sensitive to noise
-Selective listening
-Tags in clothing
-Has difficulty getting dressed (can do it but complains bitterly about it)

I will bring her in for an evaluation.

saw50st8

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 7:39 am

tichellady wrote:

I want to be clear that I am not judging anyone here. I don't know you or your kids so can't tell you what I think of your parenting 😀.
I'm just saying that parents need to figure out if they are doing anything that is contributing to the "difficulty". This is sometimes easier to see from the outside.
I do judge some of my relatives ( who believe me are not on this site). One of my cousin's is 12 and his parents brought him to a psychologist because he was so "difficult". The psychologist told them that the child was a great kid and that really the father could use some therapy. This was very obvious to everyone in my family because we could see how the father knew how to push all the kid's buttons and basically taught the kid how to push all of his buttons. The father was way too sensitive with his son and also had very unrealistic expectations about their relationship.

Obviously some kids are more demanding than others and some are more annoying than others but I do think that some kids that are labelled as difficult really just have parents who can use some guidance. And we can all use some guidance, I'm a big believer in that.

End of rant.

I'm not sure what the purpose of this rant is. If you are trying to be helpful, I would recommend rephrasing that to say "Try and figure out if you are triggering some of the negative behaviors. Sometimes, people inadvertently do that." That would be helpful. Your rant here just feels like an attack.

I have owned up to the fact that I don't react well. I'm pursuing methods and information that will help me, while also looking to get some chizzuk from other parents.

observer

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 9:53 am

saw50st8 wrote:

I definitely do the bolded. I try to have her fix her mistakes easily, but she is often quite embarrassed when she does something wrong and refuses to fix it. She once accidentally bumped into a kid and hurt him. She clearly didn't do it on purpose but I explained to her that she needed to apologize. She refused and had a whopper of a tantrum for about 45 minutes until I had to leave to get the other kids. She still refused to apologize.

Children like that often do well with choices. It's amazing how well it works.

As far as apologies, Sometimes I will ask child if she wants me to say it together with her. That way, she is still saying it, but since it's enormously difficult for her, I am helping her a bit. She will get there, but for now it's ok to help.

pause

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 10:03 am

saw50st8 wrote:

We (almost) never appease her. She doesn't get her way. She's super stubborn.

Here's an example: we were going out someplace and needed to take the whole family. She was excited about going. I asked everyone to go to the bathroom before we left. Everyone else complied, she refused. I put her on the toilet but she refused to make. I explained to her that if she didn't go then, she was going to have to wait until we got home. Predictably, when we were out, she needed the bathroom. I did not take her. She had to wait (uncomfortably) until she got home.

Yet the next time, she refused to go to the bathroom as well. Rinse and repeat. She has no issues using the bathroom on a regular basis. There's no fear or anxiety or anything like that.

This is one very small example.

I understand that this is just one example. But I'm taking the liberty to respond to this one example.

My child would act the same way. What I do (and this usually works) is that I insist on sitting on the toilet for 10 seconds, but I don't check out if they made or not. Such kids hate being forced or told what to do, so if I don't force the making, it usually comes once the kid sees I'm serious about the 10 seconds. I close the bathroom door and leave kid inside and count out loud until 10. Kid comes out and says : I didn't make. I just say, as long as you go to the bathroom, I don't care if you made or not. [even though I do] this leaves the kid with a modicum of control.

observer

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 10:06 am

saw50st8 wrote:

This too occurs with my child, though has improved. Try to not make it into a power struggle.

For example, instead of saying "you must use the bathroom now", (which you can't force her to do, so she won't go and you'll be frustrated), try saying something like "everyone is using the bathroom before we go. Here is a paper with a box for everyone. After you use the bathroom, can you make a check in the box next to your name?"

Bottom line is she is doing what you want her to do.

Forcing does not work well with children like this.

saw50st8

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 1:20 pm

observer wrote:

We do a lot of choices with her. She doesn't want to choose or chooses to ignore.

For the apology example, I asked if she wanted to apologize inside or outside (it happened outside, but the class was moving inside). Did she want to say I'm sorry by herself or should we do it together? She doesn't really want choices, she just doesn't want to listen and do it her way.

saw50st8

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 1:27 pm

observer wrote:

I like that idea!