Please help me | Imamother

sourstix

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 9:04 pm

what can I think or do to stop myself from getting into arguments with dc? what is there that will help me stop and just think and close my mouth. something that will motivate me. please give me what works for you. I have this habit I wanto change. I know it takes 40 days of going in the opposite extreme. then I will be on the middle path. the shviel hazahav. sot to speak. give me any ideas that will help me stop!

amother

Pewter

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 9:09 pm

In every interaction with your child, the most important thing is not to win this particular battle but to build a positive relationship that will last through the difficult stages.

I found reading Rabbi Orlowek's books on chinuch to be very helpful in this regard.

Also keeping in mind that your child needs your love most when he seems to deserve it the least.

sourstix

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 9:42 pm

does rabbi orloweck address this particular issue? and ideas how to stop oneself? I need a thing to stop me. I stop for one day then fall back. its kind of like something is stronger sometimes. I hate it. hate it. dont want to continue doing this. its ugly and so degrading to do to child. why cant I just stop it? I know why its so immature. cause I think I always have to be right? so so sos so immature. I am bashing myself. hopefully noone else will. ok enough of throwing stones on myself. why cant I just grow up? I know its harmful, and dc will do it if I do. cant I just stop such a stupid thing? what am I gaining? an immature mother to my child. what will he have learned if I do a thing like this? so painful to my child. when I think of it. it breaks my heart. please tell me the truth. I know already that its ingrained and kind of something I need to stop and noone can do it for me. but help me. I must stop it. its gonna ruin the relationship if I always think I need to be right. whats wrong? this is my challenge. if I hate it then dc hates it for sure. so stop it already. why do I always have to be right? I cant always be right I am human and the definition is being wrong and flawed thats the beauty. so go on and stop it before you will regret it. now is the time. now. stop before you open your mouth and think is this what you want to look like? an immature kid?

daagahminayin

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 9:57 pm

I have a peaceful image of a place I like to go to, e.g. the beach, and when things are hectic I take deep breaths, maybe close my eyes and imagine myself there. It works to calm me down. I try to speak slowly, smile, and tell myself that just because one person is acting a certain way, doesn't mean I have to also.

sourstix

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 10:17 pm

how would parenting help me stop my behavior? I have been to therapy and for quite a while. I guess she wasnt able to help much in this. for some reason I didnt take her very seriously. I didnt have respect for her. not that I acted disrespectful but in my mind I didnt have respect for her. I just couldnt relate to her. I didnt feel comfortable with her. maybe its time to find someone else. I would read rabbi orlowecks book but I just cant spend hours reading. I just am not a good reader in terms of books. I read and forget what happenedn on the page before. I can read a concept thats a page or two long but not more. I guess being a mother has taken its toll on me. so if he has a chapter on this I can go and read but not a whole book. is that what it is?

sourstix

Tue, Jul 21 2015, 10:23 pm

thanks frantic frummie, is that what helps you when your under stress? when you child is home everday bec daycamp is expensive. I need something that will help me when I am stressed cause when I am stressed thats when it happens the most. when I am calm I can stop myself. its when I am stressed like very hormonal and migraines, or when the house is topsy turvey and dh isnt getting enough work his business is slow. or just plain cause I am kind of moody. I know I can control myself. I just loose myself sometimes and I need a reminder. but I cant loose it over dc. thats what bothers me. hes such a yummy child. he doesnt deserve this he deserves a calm empathic and mature mother. that can think before something comes out of her mouth. ok stop criticizing myself. I can do it. I know I can, I just want to stop myself before I loose it.

sky

Wed, Jul 22 2015, 1:46 pm

I got a cd free at the bikur cholim raffle: Raising your kids without raising your voice by sara chana radcliffe.
I don't know if it is the best but there are some very good ideas on there. I sometimes listen to it when busy with other tasks.
If you would pm me an address (or to someone else's home) to mail it I could try to get it to you. (If I don't loose it first).

the summer is a very stressful time especially if everyone is home all day. Maybe finding the stresses in the day or coming up with a summer schedule (there was a great thread on that) may just elevate some of that stress.

sometimes finding the area you have to start working on is the most difficult. Being that you have started to find it is already a step in the right direction.

Fox

Wed, Jul 22 2015, 1:54 pm

These books are all excellent, and I remember reading a few of them when my kids were smaller.

Ultimately, what helped me the most was repeating the mantra, "Lions don't need to roar" to myself as often as necessary. Also, "fake it 'til you make it."

Lions don't run around convincing everyone that they're at the top of the jungle food chain. They just are. They don't ask the gazelles to vote. You're the mom because that's the job Hashem gave you.

At the same time, lions don't aggravate or yammer at the gazelles 24/7 to make sure the gazelles know who's in charge. Lions don't need to win every battle or keep the gazelles from running around. They have better things to do.

I realize the metaphor isn't perfect, but I always think, "Am I acting like a lion or a gazelle?"

Of course, most of us aren't born to raised to have that kind of command presence. So you have to fake it. But that's okay. No one said you had to be a *real* lion.

And once you've established that you're in charge of the jungle, you can demonstrate remarkable noblesse oblige for its other inhabitants.

penguin

Wed, Jul 22 2015, 9:22 pm

Rav Simcha Bunim Cohen gives a shiur on Chovos haLevovos Sha'ar Bitochon. I believe it's Motzai Shabbos for ladies (not sure about summer). His rebbetzin also has a couple of mornings, I think.

Anyhow, he once said, every time you go to a shiur, whether it's on emunah, sholom bayis, parenting, tznius, etc, it will have some benefit. But usually the impression isn't lasting.

However, if you go to a shiur on one topic on a consistent basis (such as his) you will really make progress in that area.

Therefore, if you're not seeing progress from talking to yourself or from reading books, perhaps a class on parenting - whether in person or by phone - would help you.

You could also try some things to help you stop and think. For example: prepare a jar and every time you yell, you have to put in a dollar. Later to be used to buy something for the kids, I assume.

Or - I believe there was some famous person who did this - have a special garment, apron, jacket or tichel. Every time you're about to yell, you must go and put on this special garment. This will give you time to cool off.

Or - try to picture someone you admire and think how they would deal with this.

And/or -great for Elul - decide on two or three areas where you want to improve e.g. Torah, avodah, gemilus chasadim/ parenting, shalom bayis, shemiras halashon. Have a notebook, and before bed write down something positive you did in each area. You might write down where you fell but this can be too depressing, might be better to focus on positive.

sourstix

Wed, Jul 22 2015, 10:39 pm

thank you so sos so much everyone! I have so much food for thought. I really think I need to be mechazaik myself as much as possible. and really the first step was that I admitted I that I did something wrong and that I so so want to change it. listen I will not change overnight. thats a given. but I realize that this is the area thats the most important for me now. sh(I argue with my mother alot too) we are a bad pair in this. whats most important is to stop myself and then sit down and ask myself why I did it. if I can answer why right away then I got it and that can help prevent it. when I ask myself whats my goal? its so much easier to overcome. thanks a ton ladies this was so much help. now I gotta start working. and work hard I need to.

Dolly Welsh

Wed, Jul 22 2015, 11:30 pm

See if you can find some pretty photos of peaceful landscapes or a tropical beach to put all over your walls.

I have the oddest feeling you are parroting your own mother. Sorry for the amateur shrinking. I have no qualifications.

Get YOURSELF some fuzzy stuffed animals, and of course some for your child.

I used to like the books of Chaim Ginott.

We do not want Kafka's "Castle" where they tell you to come back later, because this window is closed for lunch. And you have to get your document stamped over there. And they only do that on Tuesdays. And the supervisor is out today. And this only applies to people born in this county and you weren't. And they need to see your diploma. The original. A copy won't do.

Talk.

Get the idea?

I will post some soothing pictures.

http://www.muralsuperstore.com.....s.htm

http://national-geographic.caf.....rints

http://www.muralsuperstore.com.....l.htm

http://www.muralsuperstore.com.....1.htm

You are a hero to recognize the problem. The kid is lucky to have you.