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Reflective Listening



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amother
Tan


 

Post Mon, Jul 27 2015, 5:15 am
Does anyone else find reflective listening less than successful? My kids don't feel "understood," they feel like I'm being ridiculous and not listening to what they are saying if I need to repeat or rephrase or whatnot.

I agree with them. I hate when I tell someone an issue I'm having and they validate my feelings - what does that help? It doesn't help me solve the problem or work on anything. It doesn't make me feel better.

Why is it recommended by so many parenting experts?
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Optione




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 27 2015, 6:12 am
I agree and will be watching this thread. Someone once told me something but it didn't really resonate with me. Something to the effect of the person at least feels like you can understand what he's saying ad and you're on the same page; his feelings are normal...
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 27 2015, 6:47 am
Haha, you remind me of a family story.

Before DH and I were married (2nd time for both of us), he took this workshop where he learned the idea of active listening. When he tried it at home, he totally creeped out his kids, because he was just echoing their words, with no real empathy or awareness behind it.

Let me see if I can model the steps, using your OP. It might be like this.

Un-helpful: "So, your kids don't feel understood, and feel like this active listening thing is ridiculous?"

All I did was repeat part of your words, offering zero empathy or insight.

Possibly helpful: "Let me see if I understand your question. It sounds like you yourself, and your children, get frustrated by simple parroting. You said that "it doesn't solve the problem, or work on anything." So, maybe, you do like having friends listen to you, but want it to be productive. That makes perfect sense; I want that, too. Would you like to see how active listening can be a part of that, instead of being a mindless echo?"

You see how your words were incorporated into something more?

The first point of active listening is making sure that you understand the speaker. You repeat the essense, as you hear it, rather than the exact language. But it doesn't stop there.

My "listening" to your post taught me that mere validation is off-putting for you much of the time. For many people, it is helpful, but not for everyone. Many -- possibly even you -- will benefit from being told that their perspective makes emotional sense to them. (How did my saying that your perpective made sense to me resonate with you?)

But when you a) reflect, b) validate AND c) offer perspective, that's even better.

The key to this part is making the offer. As in:

"Would you like me to give my advice/an opinion about that?"

Smetimes, just a) and b) are all that are wanted. Asking about it is a way to validate the other party's intelligence and free will in a meaningful way.

In this case, you requested c), so I listened and gave it.

I will finish with part d), the check-in.

Was this at all helpful to you?

And can you find the a), b), and d) in the "possibly helpful" paragraph?
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momtra




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 27 2015, 7:01 am
I can relate! I've been doing a lot of reflective listening with my 7 year old.
At one point she said to me " why do you keep repeating what I'm saying"
But it has been helpful , because in the past , I would sometimes be dismissive of her comment, or try to fix them - so this neutralizes the exchange - which is helpful for my situation
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syrima




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 27 2015, 7:31 am
If your kids are not used to it and you are changing the way you react to them 180 degrees then they will definitely take time to get used to it.
You do not have to rehash everything they just told you, but the point (I think) is to respond in a way that leaves them open to taking the next step, or at least working their way to a solution.

Example: if a kid rants to you about how a teacher is so unfair and gave them a punishment they think they did not deserve.
You could say, " That is terrible; I'm calling the teacher right now!"
But this takes the solution out of their hands while giving them the message " you can't handle this on your own."
You could say, " You know the teacher is probably right and you must have done something to deserve it."
This dismisses their feeling totally, passes judgement on them and gives them no chance to explain.

Many times as parents we are LAZY or TIRED. We don't really want to deal with complex issues, we just want to hear that their day was fine so we can can go get other things done. In that case I will sometimes tell a kid that I just do not have the energy to talk about this right now, and follow up with active listening later.

Active listening means that we are showing our kids that:
a)we hear what they are saying without immediately judging
b)we are ready to help them name their feeling or feelings about the situation
c)the situation which is on their mind is worth analyzing and thinking about
d)we trust that with some help they can provide a solution themselves.

Whether or not you use the words they used is your call based on the kid and situation.
But using the guidelines above is the gateway to the kind of talks you want to have with your kids when they are grown up. Don't you wish your parents talked to you this way? Smile
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