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Name change
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 27 2015, 8:56 pm
I changed my name on our marriage license when we got engaged. The rest I changed within the next couple of years. I am proud to have the same last name as my husband and children and proud that I am married.
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PAMOM




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 27 2015, 9:40 pm
Several reasons. When I looked in the mirror and said what my name would be, it didn't feel right. I also saw no reason to change it and was definitely making a statement--that I love my husband enough to spend my life with him and that didn't involve changing my identity as changing my nsne felt to me. Finally, I had a professional reputation by the time I got married. My husband opted to give our children hyphenated last names so that they have both names. We told them they could do whatever they wanted when they got married.
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perquacky




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 27 2015, 10:19 pm
I took my husband's name so parents and kids would have the same name. But I really wanted him to take my name! His is so common and blah. Mine was special and very recognizable to many people. To use both names would have been a mouthful. Oh well. I had to give up a great name, but I got a great guy!
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MiracleMama




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jul 27 2015, 10:27 pm
healthywoman wrote:
but now u have to go around with 2 last names. thats annoying isnt it?


No. It's not hyphenated. And it (it being former last name now used as middle name) only shows up on legal/ business stuff like drivers license and bank statements.
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imasoftov




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 28 2015, 2:22 am
This deliberately provocative piece, "A Person Paper on Purity in Language by William Satire" (really Douglas R. Hofstadter) is set in a fictional world where there are different pronouns and honorifics for white and black people. Here's one paragraph, and the odd words like Nrs, ble/bler. whis, and firmly, are deliberate, not misspellings.

Nrs. Buford also finds it insultingly asymmetric that when a black is employed by a white, ble changes bler firmly name to whis firmly name. But what's so bad about that? Every firm's core consists of a boss (whis job is to make sure long-term policies are well charted out) and a secretary (bler job is to keep corporate affairs running smoothly on a day-to-day basis). They are both equally important and vital to the firm's success. No one disputes this. Beyond them there may of course be other firmly members. Now it's quite obvious that all members of a given firm should bear the same firmly name-otherwise, what are you going to call the firm's products? And since it would be nonsense for the boss to change whis name, it falls to the secretary to change bler name. Logic, not racism, dictates this simple convention.

The whole thing is at http://www.cs.virginia.edu/~ev......html
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kenz




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 28 2015, 9:20 am
To each her own, and it certainly makes no difference to me what anyone else chooses to go by, but I am very surprised at the large percentage of responses here saying they kept their maiden name or hyphenated. I do not know one person, friend or relative, chassidish/yeshivish/modern Orthodox who did not take on her husband's last name when she got married. I've never even heard of it being a question or a decision that needed to be made. That includes friends who are doctors, lawyers, those who got married older, only children... I've only ever heard of the concept in the wider secular world. I can think of maybe 1 or 2 who kept their maiden name for professional reasons, but they too proudly wear their husband's last name in their personal lives. Out of curiosity, what title - Mrs./Ms., etc. - do you get called most? I would imagine you get a lot of Mrs. with your maiden name. Do you correct?
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healthywoman




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 28 2015, 9:41 am
kenz-who r u asking? Me?

socially, pple call me mrs married name. unless they happen to know me or family member from beforehand they ask if im a maiden name.

I'm not sure why u haven't heard of such a thing. I've asked friends, family they all have their reasons for why they did or didn't keep maiden name. just wondering what pple do here and why.
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pesek zman




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 28 2015, 9:50 am
kenz wrote:
To each her own, and it certainly makes no difference to me what anyone else chooses to go by, but I am very surprised at the large percentage of responses here saying they kept their maiden name or hyphenated. I do not know one person, friend or relative, chassidish/yeshivish/modern Orthodox who did not take on her husband's last name when she got married. I've never even heard of it being a question or a decision that needed to be made. That includes friends who are doctors, lawyers, those who got married older, only children... I've only ever heard of the concept in the wider secular world. I can think of maybe 1 or 2 who kept their maiden name for professional reasons, but they too proudly wear their husband's last name in their personal lives. Out of curiosity, what title - Mrs./Ms., etc. - do you get called most? I would imagine you get a lot of Mrs. with your maiden name. Do you correct?


I feel like to an extent your social circle is a self selected group because I (kept my name) know lots of people who did also. People who know me well know that I didn't change my name but others who assume that I do call me Mrs x. I don't call myself Mrs. I actually hate that word. Like mr, I don't feel my title should change from single to married and I still call myself Ms. (as I did before marriage) As a couple, my Husband and I usually do get addressed as mr and mrs which I don't necessarily object to. but when it's just me, or when ok asked, I same I'm ms. X (my last name ) Y (his last name) and I don't correct people who call me mrs Y (my husband wouldn't like it)
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 28 2015, 9:53 am
In my circles I do not know anyone who did not take her husbands name. But I guess most people get married young so its not such a big deal, since they haven't set up in business or a profession.

But I find it very annoying to not know who people are. Like say I went to school with Chani Katz. Now I read that Chani Levy has had a baby or started a business or won an award, but I have no way of knowing that this is my old schoolmate.

I also like my maiden name much better then my husbands family name. (he likes my name better too.)

Oh well! Its just a name....you can't carry the names of all your ancestors. Like why should I use my fathers name and not my mothers? Which again, is her fathers name. 1000 years ago no one had surnames and somehow they managed. (I imagine with difficulty, hence the story of kamtza and bar kamtza)
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boymom




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 28 2015, 9:55 am
I didn't think twice- I switched to dh last name. even if I would think about it, I like the idea of everyone in family having same last name. it doesn't take away my identity. I am who I am even if you switched all my names 20 times.
was very simple to do so- signed couple of papers, and got new ss card. made new ID using marriage license and Birth certificate. very easily switched my bank accounts too.
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 28 2015, 10:07 am
mommy2b2c wrote:
I changed my name on our marriage license when we got engaged. The rest I changed within the next couple of years. I am proud to have the same last name as my husband and children and proud that I am married.


Why are you proud to be married? I'm happily married and happy to be married, but I don't understand the pride aspect of it.
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 28 2015, 10:10 am
kenz wrote:
To each her own, and it certainly makes no difference to me what anyone else chooses to go by, but I am very surprised at the large percentage of responses here saying they kept their maiden name or hyphenated. I do not know one person, friend or relative, chassidish/yeshivish/modern Orthodox who did not take on her husband's last name when she got married. I've never even heard of it being a question or a decision that needed to be made. That includes friends who are doctors, lawyers, those who got married older, only children... I've only ever heard of the concept in the wider secular world. I can think of maybe 1 or 2 who kept their maiden name for professional reasons, but they too proudly wear their husband's last name in their personal lives. Out of curiosity, what title - Mrs./Ms., etc. - do you get called most? I would imagine you get a lot of Mrs. with your maiden name. Do you correct?


I know lots of modern orthodox people (myself included) who kept their maiden names. I'm sure there are yeshivish people who did as well, but I don't know them.

I generally prefer everyone to call me by my first name. At the pediatrician's office, they generally call me Mrs. DHlastname because that's my kids last name. Other kids in the neighborhood tend to call me Mrs. Mylastname if they don't call adults by their first name. It's not a huge deal to me, but I do not like to be called MyFirstName DHLastname. I don't mind Mr and Mrs DHLastname because that makes sense, but if you know that I didn't change my name, it's pretty rude to call me by another last name.
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pesek zman




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 28 2015, 10:13 am
Raisin wrote:
In my circles I do not know anyone who did not take her husbands name. But I guess most people get married young so its not such a big deal, since they haven't set up in business or a profession.

But I find it very annoying to not know who people are. Like say I went to school with Chani Katz. Now I read that Chani Levy has had a baby or started a business or won an award, but I have no way of knowing that this is my old schoolmate.

I also like my maiden name much better then my husbands family name. (he likes my name better too.)

Oh well! Its just a name....you can't carry the names of all your ancestors. Like why should I use my fathers name and not my mothers? Which again, is her fathers name. 1000 years ago no one had surnames and somehow they managed. (I imagine with difficulty, hence the story of kamtza and bar kamtza)


Most people get married young? most people YOU know got married young. Again, this is your social circle. In mine, many got married young but many, many did not. It's a big world out there
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kenz




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 28 2015, 10:45 am
healthywoman wrote:
kenz-who r u asking? Me?

socially, pple call me mrs married name. unless they happen to know me or family member from beforehand they ask if im a maiden name.

I'm not sure why u haven't heard of such a thing. I've asked friends, family they all have their reasons for why they did or didn't keep maiden name. just wondering what pple do here and why.


I'm asking anyone who kept their maiden name. Obviously it's different circles, but as I said, I do have friends who run the gamut from modern Orthodoxy to chassidish/ultra yeshivish and don't know anyone who kept their maiden name other than professionally, and that's just one or two.
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kenz




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 28 2015, 10:49 am
pesek zman wrote:
I feel like to an extent your social circle is a self selected group because I (kept my name) know lots of people who did also. People who know me well know that I didn't change my name but others who assume that I do call me Mrs x. I don't call myself Mrs. I actually hate that word. Like mr, I don't feel my title should change from single to married and I still call myself Ms. (as I did before marriage) As a couple, my Husband and I usually do get addressed as mr and mrs which I don't necessarily object to. but when it's just me, or when ok asked, I same I'm ms. X (my last name ) Y (his last name) and I don't correct people who call me mrs Y (my husband wouldn't like it)


What does "self-selected group" mean? I certainly didn't go out looking for people who took on their husband's name to socialize with.
If I'm understanding correctly, you do use both your maiden name and your husband's name. That's still not the same as just your maiden name.
Agan, curiosity: To those who kept their maiden names, did any of your mothers do the same?
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kenz




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 28 2015, 10:56 am
saw50st8 wrote:
I know lots of modern orthodox people (myself included) who kept their maiden names. I'm sure there are yeshivish people who did as well, but I don't know them.


I respectfully disagree. I am positive that if they do exist, they are few and far between.
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pesek zman




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 28 2015, 11:04 am
kenz wrote:
What does "self-selected group" mean? I certainly didn't go out looking for people who took on their husband's name to socialize with.
If I'm understanding correctly, you do use both your maiden name and your husband's name. That's still not the same as just your maiden name.
Agan, curiosity: To those who kept their maiden names, did any of your mothers do the same?


Kept maiden name legally, professionally, financially. I call myself my name (hate the word maiden!!) and husbands name socially but it's not a real thing. Not official. And self selected means that we tend to associate with people who are like us. Religiously and otherwise. I associate with a lot of (fellow) MO people, a lot of women (who like me) are liberal on their thinking which means it's not surprising that many of my friends also have not changed their names. My social circle is my self selected group
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Barbara




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 28 2015, 11:11 am
kenz wrote:
What does "self-selected group" mean? I certainly didn't go out looking for people who took on their husband's name to socialize with.
If I'm understanding correctly, you do use both your maiden name and your husband's name. That's still not the same as just your maiden name.
Agan, curiosity: To those who kept their maiden names, did any of your mothers do the same?


My mother (a"h) would be 82 if she had lived. Keeping your maiden name wasn't done back in those days. But she still always identified herself as a "Maiden Name" (or, to be more honest, as a "Grandmother's Maiden Name"; she didn't much like her father's family). I'm relatively certain that, had she had a choice, she wouldn't have changed her name.

I am never known by my husband's last name. Never, ever, ever. If you use it, I'll correct you. If you continue using it, you're being passive-aggressive. Its not my name. Nor am I "Mrs." Anything.

I have friends who use their maiden names professionally, and their husband's names socially. Friends who use their maiden names professionally and randomly use their maiden names or husband's names socially. Friends who use only their husband's names. Friends who never ever ever use their husband's names. I even have a friend who uses her husband's name professionally and her maiden name socially (long story). It's a personal decision.

FTR, it has never bothered my husband or my son that we have different last names, nor has it ever caused any problems for us.
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bigsis144




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 28 2015, 11:11 am
I changed my name after my first child was born. His crib label and baby bracelet at the hospital said "Baby Boy My-Maiden-Name" because I hadn't changed my last name yet. The baby got DH's last name on the birth certificate a little while later, but it just weirded me out for that short time. I wanted our family to be an obvious family.

Last edited by bigsis144 on Tue, Jul 28 2015, 7:57 pm; edited 1 time in total
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kenz




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jul 28 2015, 12:01 pm
pesek zman wrote:
Kept maiden name legally, professionally, financially. I call myself my name (hate the word maiden!!) and husbands name socially but it's not a real thing. Not official. And self selected means that we tend to associate with people who are like us. Religiously and otherwise. I associate with a lot of (fellow) MO people, a lot of women (who like me) are liberal on their thinking which means it's not surprising that many of my friends also have not changed their names. My social circle is my self selected group


Yes, as I was writing maiden I figured that anyone who doesn't want to take on her husband's name most likely doesn't appreciate that word, and it sounds archaic to me as well. They should really come up with a different term to use, especially if it's so prevalent today for people to stay with that name long-term, regardless of their status. Pre-marriage name doesn't really cut it. Smile
Thanks for the explanation. Makes sense, except I am also including people I went to school with who are in very, very different social circles than I am these days (3 decades later).
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