Name change | Imamother

kenz

Tue, Jul 28 2015, 12:06 pm

Barbara wrote:

My mother (a"h) would be 82 if she had lived. Keeping your maiden name wasn't done back in those days. But she still always identified herself as a "Maiden Name" (or, to be more honest, as a "Grandmother's Maiden Name"; she didn't much like her father's family). I'm relatively certain that, had she had a choice, she wouldn't have changed her name.

I am never known by my husband's last name. Never, ever, ever. If you use it, I'll correct you. If you continue using it, you're being passive-aggressive. Its not my name. Nor am I "Mrs." Anything.

I have friends who use their maiden names professionally, and their husband's names socially. Friends who use their maiden names professionally and randomly use their maiden names or husband's names socially. Friends who use only their husband's names. Friends who never ever ever use their husband's names. I even have a friend who uses her husband's name professionally and her maiden name socially (long story). It's a personal decision.

FTR, it has never bothered my husband or my son that we have different last names, nor has it ever caused any problems for us.

I can't imagine anyone knowing you prefer the use of your maiden name and insisting on using your married name (unless it's your m-i-l).
Barbara, I have no doubt that it has never bothered your family members, otherwise you would have come to some other arrangement. I'm sure the same is true of the other people who use their maiden name. I doubt anyone is deliberately being hurtful to their spouse.
Thanks for the explanation.

mommy3b2c

Tue, Jul 28 2015, 12:11 pm

saw50st8 wrote:

Why are you proud to be married? I'm happily married and happy to be married, but I don't understand the pride aspect of it.

It's hard to explain. I feel proud to be a wife and a mom committed to her family. Some people are proud to be single, I'm proud to be married. Simple as that.

bluebird

Tue, Jul 28 2015, 12:13 pm

I kept my maiden name because I want to keep my professional connections and people won't know who Bluebird DifferentName is. The middle name thing would work but my middle name is my dear grandmother's ZL and I would not give it up. Socially I go by either.

I should note I also kept my name in my first marriage, too.

Not attached to my last name at all. Maybe I'll change it if I change professions.

Raisin

Tue, Jul 28 2015, 12:16 pm

pesek zman wrote:

Most people get married young? most people YOU know got married young. Again, this is your social circle. In mine, many got married young but many, many did not. It's a big world out there

Obviously I meant in my circles most (but not all) women get married young. I was not referring to your circles or any other circles.

kenz

Tue, Jul 28 2015, 12:17 pm

mommy2b2c wrote:

It's hard to explain. I feel proud to be a wife and a mom committed to her family. Some people are proud to be single, I'm proud to be married. Simple as that.

Agreed, though I don't think that necessarily means that those who use their maiden name are less proud to be married. In my case, it would definitely have been a very big statement had I even considered staying with my maiden name, and a decision my husband's family would have taken very personally.

nywife

Tue, Jul 28 2015, 12:19 pm

I changed my last name within the first month of my marriage. I figured it would be easier to change everything over if I did it sooner rather than later. IMO the longer you wait, the more documents/leases/accounts/children you accrue and the more complicated it becomes.

How does it work with kids- if you are Chani X-Y, would your child be Moishy X-Y or just Moishy Y? (Pardon my ignorance).

Also, has anyone ever changed their first name? I've been wanting to do that for a while.

pesek zman

Tue, Jul 28 2015, 12:21 pm

nywife wrote:

My baby has her fathers last name
She is A X

I have my last name

I'm B Y

Not that complicated.

saw50st8

Tue, Jul 28 2015, 12:30 pm

kenz wrote:

I respectfully disagree. I am positive that if they do exist, they are few and far between.

I'm not sure what you are "respectfully" disagreeing with. I'm telling you as a fact, I know quite a bit of MO women who have not changed their name when they got married.

I did not say all. I did not say majority.

Yes, I do know many MO women who have not changed their last name. It's not "few and far between" in my neighborhood, although I would be interested to know how many women constitute "few and far between."

cholenteater

Tue, Jul 28 2015, 12:47 pm

I did not change my name (yet!) as I waited too long and there is a vast amount of paper work that needs to be taken care of... As well as the professional reputation that is associated with my maiden name. I identify with my husband's name and when introducing myself say his last name- that is my name as well- just not legally as of yet. LOL

Majority of the people who know me assume I have taken my husband's name as that is what I go by- I am frum/litvish/yeshivish and have heard of this phenomenon many times. My dc has my husband's last name and one day I will as well!

kenz

Tue, Jul 28 2015, 12:59 pm

saw50st8 wrote:

No, I meant the part where you said you are sure yeshivish people do as well. I'm sorry I was unclear.

Last edited by kenz on Tue, Jul 28 2015, 1:22 pm; edited 1 time in total

princessleah

Tue, Jul 28 2015, 1:13 pm

I did not change my name. I introduce myself professionally and socially as "Leah Organa". My kids have my last name as their middle names in addition to other middle names (so two middle names). So like "Luke Anakin Organa Solo" is DS' name. When our 2nd DC was born DH asked if we should give her my last name, but I wanted the kids to have the same last name as each other.

If someone at the doctor's office or something calls me Mrs. Solo I don't correct them but I do find it annoying. At my shul I'd say it's 50/50 people who changed their names vs. not.

My last name is just part of who I am. I got married at 32. It wasn't even a thought as to whether I would change it. I like it, I have nice Yichus and it's well-known. Even though it's harder to pronounce and longer. I do use DH's last name when making restaurant reservations and that kind of thing just for ease.

iluvy

Tue, Jul 28 2015, 2:36 pm

saw50st8 wrote:

Oh yes, I'll agree with that part (meaning, I'm sure there are yeshivish women who kept their names, but it's few and far between).

I'm yeshivish, kept my last name. I like it better, it's more unique, and there's something so creepy and patriarchal about taking on your husband's name. I honestly never understand why educated professional women do it. I hate "Mrs." too!

BUT in practice I almost always use my husband's name socially because in my circles people would automatically assume I'm divorced chv if we had different names. (e.g. on my kids' class lists). And I use Mrs. even though I have a PhD, because it feels silly to insist on Dr. if you're not a medical doctor. But it's nice when people ask!

Barbara

Tue, Jul 28 2015, 2:41 pm

iluvy wrote:

I don't think its silly at all to use the PhD that you worked for and earned.

I'm starting the petition to change your nym to Dr.iluvy All in favor?

simchat

Tue, Jul 28 2015, 3:24 pm

Where I live, according to the law, one keeps her maiden name. So officially e.g at the dr`s office, on my passport, driving license (even though I switched over to my new countries license after I was married) etc, I will always be Ms. maiden name. Yes, my kids have different last names than me. Even at the hospital when they are born, I am (first name) A and they are baby B.

Socially, however, I use my husband`s last name, as does everyone I know in my city. It`s kinda funny really, especially as I am not originally from here. I could be at the dr`s office and someone will approach me and say `hi. Aren`t you Yitzy Cohen`s wife Chaya?` and then we`ll talk a bit and then the receptionist calls me `Sarah Goldberg!` (I`m known by my middle name, but my first name is on all official docs, so it`s all rather confusing Wink

)

dimyona

Tue, Jul 28 2015, 3:51 pm

I never changed my name. First of all, I think it's an archaic and patriarchal practice, and I'm surprised it's accepted at all in modern society. Why is a woman expected to change her identity to match her man's? Why upon marriage? It just doesn't jive well with me.

I also have a rather atypical last name and enjoy being unique in that regard. Although I don't love the name itself, my husband's last name is an extremely common Jewish name. I'm used to being related to almost everyone that shares my last name, and it would be hard to get used to being another Schwartz, Klein, or Weiss Smile

.

Although I go by my birth surname both socially and professionally, I rarely correct people when they call me Mrs. DHLastName. In fact, I've even occasionally used my husband's last name when asked to identify myself in very right wing circles. I wasn't comfortable with it, but I hate to start public discussions about my choices.

mazal555

Tue, Jul 28 2015, 4:55 pm

I have a very common name. I didn't change my name legally, because it's a pain in the neck, and I still use my maiden name professionally but I use my married name socially and my kids have my husband's name. My husband actually wanted to give the kids my name, he likes it better but I wanted them to have his.

Teomima

Tue, Jul 28 2015, 5:01 pm

Dh and I both legally changed our names to a new last name we chose together. However we both kept our maiden/bachelor names in our countries of origin, but we don't live there (he's from Canada, I'm from the States, but we had each already made aliyah when we met and married in Israel).