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Inviting non frum coworkers to wedding
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anonymom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 3:43 am
I have a group of Jewish, non frum women mostly in their 50s & 60s, all but one married who I work with. They would definitely love to be invited to my daughters (yeshivish)wedding and I wouldn't mind having them there, although it would be a show for them and give them what to gossip about. The question is, do I have to invite their husbands? I know it is the proper thing to do. But I really don't want or need the husbands. It is going to be separate seating of course. I don't have their home addresses. Is it ok to put invitations in their mailboxes at work with just their first name on the outside? Is it better to officially invite the husbands, but get the word (through a frum coworker) that the husbands are not wanted.

TIA
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Mrs Bissli




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 4:04 am
I think it's rather odd in a nonfrum settings to invite just wives but not husbands to a weddings. (Though it's another story if the invited couples decide themselves to have one spouse attend). If you feel strongly against your colleagues husbands tagging along, then maybe you shouldn't invite in the first place. Or just invite them (as couples) to the chuppa and receptions? Or any other ladies only thing if you're doing shabbat kalla reception and such?
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imasoftov




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 4:06 am
anonymom wrote:
I have a group of Jewish, non frum women mostly in their 50s & 60s, all but one married who I work with. They would definitely love to be invited to my daughters (yeshivish)wedding and I wouldn't mind having them there, although it would be a show for them and give them what to gossip about. The question is, do I have to invite their husbands? I know it is the proper thing to do. But I really don't want or need the husbands. It is going to be separate seating of course. I don't have their home addresses. Is it ok to put invitations in their mailboxes at work with just their first name on the outside? Is it better to officially invite the husbands, but get the word (through a frum coworker) that the husbands are not wanted.

TIA

It's terribly offensive to not invite a spouse to a simcha. Invite them both or not at all, which is also OK.

About "the husbands are not wanted", make sure you never say that again.
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animeme




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 4:35 am
I agree about needing to invite husbands. (If you don't, you are still likely to get "I assume thus is plus one, or for people to just assume so.) Somehow, though, while conveying that you'd love to have their husbands, you should let them know that they won't be sitting with them, so they can make an informed choice.
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anonymom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 4:41 am
Obviously I wouldn't have said it like that. But it is the truth. These men have no shaychus to the couple getting married. (I would imply that the husbands may not be comfortable because it is separate seating and they don't know anyone. Hopefully they will get the hint) If I have to invite the husbands I may not invite the women either. And then there is the issue of how the women will dress. Even with some coaching.
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SplitPea




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 5:09 am
Yes you have to invite the husbands.
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tigerwife




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 5:09 am
I had many of my non-Jewish coworkers at my wedding and none of them asked me if they could invite their spouse. No one seemed offended either that their spouse was not invited either. I sent a mass email to the office inviting everyone to come. They loved experiencing a Jewish wedding and totally understood the separate seating issue, though there was plenty of time for them to mingle (chuppa, shmorg). One woman took her daughters along as a cultural experience for them.

My Jewish coworkers also came without spouses for the most part, as far as I remember.

Of course, you have to know them and definitely have a ready response if someone does ask if their spouse can come.
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tigerwife




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 5:23 am
I'll have to add that if anyone brought their spouses, I wouldn't have minded in the least. I addressed many invitations to 'Mr. And 'Mrs.' even though I only knew one of them. My office was invited via email, so there was no indication on an envelope.
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Sadie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 5:25 am
You have to invite the husbands but if you make it clear that they will be seated separately, they will probably decide on their own not to come.
If we are invited to a wedding where my husband knows people and I don't, and the seating is separate, I do not attend.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 5:25 am
I literally cannot understand your viewpoint. Why do you care so much if the husbands attend? Please list the negatives of them coming. Also, the chances you will be making a chilluk hashem by not inviting thrm are strong. If you let them know it is seperate seating, (noy in a way thats hinting you dont want them) they will probably not come anyway.
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tigerwife




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 5:27 am
Definitely don't 'disinvite'!
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marina




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 5:59 am
Are you trying to save money? Are you just being standoffish? I don't get it.
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watergirl




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 6:04 am
Havent we all been invited to separate seating weddings of people whom we have "no shaychus" to? My husbands long time chevrusa's son, his boss's daughter... I dont see how its a frum/non frum thing really. I'm sure your frum co workers husbands will be equally as bored and sit with an open gemara while eating the meal and skipp dancing because he doesn't know anyone. Weve all been there. Havent you shlepped to a wedding and not known a soul? You were invited because it would have been rude not to! When my husband's chevrusa's daughter gets married, I opt out. Thats my choice to make.

As far as the clothes, tell them. Nbd.
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heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 7:34 am
Wow, I guess I've been in Israel for long enough to start to ingrain the mentality.
In Israel you don't invite spouses or plus ones of coworkers to weddings or bar/t mitzvahs. It's just not done. I guess it's the practical (cheap?) side of Israelis. Why invite someone who has no shaychus to the event?
I've had loads of fun at coworkers affairs, and it would have been quite a drag to have to worry that dh was bored.
Just a peek from the other side of the ocean.
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amother
Burgundy


 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 7:46 am
Invite them, but let them know about the separate seating. When we are invited to separate seating wedding, the one of us that's not going to know anyone stays home (very occasionally, there's reason for both of us to go). Most people aren't interested in going through the trouble to find a sitter in order to not spend time with their spouse, so chances are, most of the husbands will opt out. But yes, standard etiquette is if someone is married, you have to invite their spouse. As for how to dress, personally, we put on our invitations a request for people to dress respectfully. However, we knew there were going to be a lot of not frum people. If it's only these co-workers, just a gentle reminder to dress for the environment they're going to be in will do.
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 7:47 am
watergirl wrote:
Havent we all been invited to separate seating weddings of people whom we have "no shaychus" to? My husbands long time chevrusa's son, his boss's daughter... I dont see how its a frum/non frum thing really. I'm sure your frum co workers husbands will be equally as bored and sit with an open gemara while eating the meal and skipp dancing because he doesn't know anyone. Weve all been there. Havent you shlepped to a wedding and not known a soul? You were invited because it would have been rude not to! When my husband's chevrusa's daughter gets married, I opt out. Thats my choice to make.

As far as the clothes, tell them. Nbd.

Yes, but the potential invitees in question have not. The men may feel very uncomfortable being at a wedding where they know absolutely nobody, and the one person they do know (their wife) is inaccessible all evening.

I don't know where you live, but as heidi said, in Israel, spouses of coworkers are not automatically invited to weddings.

I don't know if that is acceptable where you live.

If not, then invite coworkers + spouses, but explain the situation and they can decide on their own if they want to bring their DHs.
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moonstone




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 8:39 am
heidi wrote:
Wow, I guess I've been in Israel for long enough to start to ingrain the mentality.
In Israel you don't invite spouses or plus ones of coworkers to weddings or bar/t mitzvahs. It's just not done. I guess it's the practical (cheap?) side of Israelis. Why invite someone who has no shaychus to the event?
I've had loads of fun at coworkers affairs, and it would have been quite a drag to have to worry that dh was bored.
Just a peek from the other side of the ocean.


I was just coming here to say this! This is an Israeli custom that I absolutely love. Save money on spouses, and the spouses, who probably don't want to come anyway, don't have to show up. Win-win!
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LittleDucky




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 8:44 am
I would invite them and their spouses. It is offensive to say "they aren't wanted" or to leave it to office gossip. However, attach a document to the email ( and say in the invite: see some interesting points about jewish orthodox weddings in the attached document). If these people never were at a frum wedding, outline what happens. What is kabbalas panim? Chupah? Why break the glass? Why "random rabbis" called up? Circle 7 times? Silly dances (costumes, juggling etc). Explain no mixed dancing, modest dress requested.
Be polite and leave it up to them to decide.
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Miri7




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 8:52 am
Maybe I'm just in a different world but I would send the invites to the home addresses.

I have never been invited to a wedding via email. I have RSVP'd online but never gotten an electronic invite.

That said, I would invite spouses. And let the ladies know about the seating.

We had a number of non frum guests at our wedding and they had a lot of fun.
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Amarante




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 9:30 am
Are you sending *real* invitations to everyone? If so, I would give an invitation to your co-worker and just explain that you didn't have their home address.

I would invite the husbands but explain that seating is separate. It would then be up to each couple to decide whether to go or not. Some husbands might want to go even if separated from wives anyway. :-) but that would be their decision. I know men and women who have a great time at parties where they don't know anyone whereas others are more introverted. So some of the male guests might have a ball experiencing this kind of celebration even if they didn't know anyone when they walked in. Would there be male guests at the wedding who you could ask to be friendly to them just to make sure they weren't all alone - assuming one or more did decide to show up.

Do you have lunch with these women or otherwise socialize with them? I ask because that would determine how I would handle their expectations of how to dress and/or questions they might have. If you have lunch with them, just broach the subject casually and explain what they might expect. I think most people (secular or religious) are used to being given instructions on appropriate dress - I.e. white tie, business casual, cocktail etc. I am assuming that you can bring it up in a friendly way - after all, these are women in their 50's/60's who you seem to have warm feelings towards. It's unlike that they were planning to wear something completely beyond the pale. Most of the women I know in that age don't like their upper arms anyway - they call it Hadassah Jiggle :-)
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