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Forum -> Relationships -> Simcha Section
Inviting non frum coworkers to wedding
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oliveoil




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 2:15 pm
You might find some helpful info for them here: http://www.chabad.org/library/.....g.htm

(and yes, you should definitely invite spouses)
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amother
Papaya


 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 2:18 pm
so just let everyone know that it's going to be a "small" wedding and you hope they will understand -- you don't have to invite them if you choose not to
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amother
Papaya


 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 2:22 pm
"them" meaning the coworkers -- if you do invite them it is customary to invite as a couple -- and if so yes do tell them about separate seating
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Amarante




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 3:06 pm
amother wrote:
so just let everyone know that it's going to be a "small" wedding and you hope they will understand -- you don't have to invite them if you choose not to


I assumed from the OP that she wanted to invite her co-workers but not the husbands.

It doesn't appear that she is so friendly with the co-workers that she HAS to invite them. If cost is a factor, then don't invite them. I don't think I would be offended if a co-worker didn't invite me to a wedding - particularly if I didn't know the co-worker's home address. I don't mean that as a negative but merely that there are people who are just acquaintances from work with whom I have no personal relationship except a cordial collegial one versus workers who have become personal friends and who I keep up with even when we stop working together and with whom I have done things outside of work - so I know their personal contact information.

However, if she chooses to invite her co-workers, then the husbands need to be invited - with an explanation of separate seating.
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imasoftov




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 6:57 pm
heidi wrote:
Wow, I guess I've been in Israel for long enough to start to ingrain the mentality.
In Israel you don't invite spouses or plus ones of coworkers to weddings or bar/t mitzvahs. It's just not done. I guess it's the practical (cheap?) side of Israelis. Why invite someone who has no shaychus to the event?
I've had loads of fun at coworkers affairs, and it would have been quite a drag to have to worry that dh was bored.
Just a peek from the other side of the ocean.

Do you perhaps mean "the haredi community in Israel" (or some of it) rather than in Israel in general?
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anonymom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 8:45 pm
Thanks everyone for the almost unanimous replies. I guess I have my answer even if I don't like it.
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Amarante




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 9:41 pm
anonymom wrote:
Thanks everyone for the almost unanimous replies. I guess I have my answer even if I don't like it.


LOL LOL Sorry to be of service. LOL LOL

But seriously, is there a reason you don't want the husbands? Is it the cost or just that you feel no connection?

If you aren't that friendly with your co-workers and don't socialize outside of the office, don't invite them.

On the other hand, if you have warm feelings and want them to share your joy, invite them - but it is a package deal with spouses.

They may not show up - honestly, for many people it's not that much fun to go to a wedding - especially if it is a casual acquaintance.
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Imogen




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2015, 4:11 am
Apologies if I am sounding rude or do not appreciate social norms/ettiquette in different circles. I work with some lovely people and they have attended my children's simchas. When my eldest ds married we had separate seating, I explained this to my team at work and a colleague said oh lets all go together to her colleagues and so they did, like a work's outing, all came together, danced together and got on really well with all of the other guests, so much so, a friend invited them to the sheva brachot she made for my ds and his kallah.

Once people hear separate seating most husbands do not want to attend, after all for most gentile communities separate seating is unheard of, very hard to attend an event for your wife's work colleague and wifey is not even next to you to help navigate the evening and do basic introductions. Similarily for a male colleague, his wife did not wish to attend and sit with strangers so male colleague joined my friends table, they knew he was attending alone and so went out of there way to make him welcome.

OP if its an all female group of colleague you could always phrase it as in we do separate seating and I would love you ladies to join me on my team's side. However if normally they do all invite couples then ignore my rambling post!!
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2015, 4:14 am
imasoftov wrote:
Do you perhaps mean "the haredi community in Israel" (or some of it) rather than in Israel in general?

I am not sure what heidi meant, but I can tell you that my secular colleagues here in Israel generally invite coworkers and do not invite coworkers' spouses to weddings.
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Sadie




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2015, 4:40 am
The Israeli replies here are so interesting to me because they are totally different from my experience.
Most of the weddings I've been to here are basically free-for-alls. I think less that 20% of my wedding guests actually RSPV'd and most of them were Americans. My husband walked around with small invitations in his bag so that he could invite people he forgot about if he ran into them on the street. We gave the hall an estimated number of guests but I had no idea who would actually be there. My SILs invited their friends that don't even know us. Most of our friends' weddings were similar.
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imasoftov




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2015, 4:59 am
DrMom wrote:
I am not sure what heidi meant, but I can tell you that my secular colleagues here in Israel generally invite coworkers and do not invite coworkers' spouses to weddings.

OK, but I run into coworkers' spouses at weddings from work.


Last edited by imasoftov on Mon, Aug 03 2015, 12:42 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Tablepoetry




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2015, 10:48 am
DrMom wrote:
I am not sure what heidi meant, but I can tell you that my secular colleagues here in Israel generally invite coworkers and do not invite coworkers' spouses to weddings.


IME here in Israel, coworkers' spouses are definitely usually invited, at least in secular and DL circles.
However, the norm is for the coworkers to show up as a big gang sans spouses, sit at their own table, etc.
So my experience differs. I have always seen the invites addressed to both spouses, but 99% of the time only the coworker comes.

Of course, in some places there is no personal invite, just a general one hung up on the wall for people to sign up for - there it's obvious it's just for the workers.
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Tablepoetry




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2015, 10:50 am
Sadie wrote:
The Israeli replies here are so interesting to me because they are totally different from my experience.
Most of the weddings I've been to here are basically free-for-alls. I think less that 20% of my wedding guests actually RSPV'd and most of them were Americans. My husband walked around with small invitations in his bag so that he could invite people he forgot about if he ran into them on the street. We gave the hall an estimated number of guests but I had no idea who would actually be there. My SILs invited their friends that don't even know us. Most of our friends' weddings were similar.


Sadie, no one RSVPs here. You call or text everyone you invited to see how many will show up.
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2015, 11:01 am
Tablepoetry wrote:
IME here in Israel, coworkers' spouses are definitely usually invited, at least in secular and DL circles.

Maybe my coworkers are just cheap. LOL

Come to think of it, in my DH's office, which is a very small organization, spouses are always invited.
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heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2015, 4:26 pm
DrMom wrote:
I am not sure what heidi meant, but I can tell you that my secular colleagues here in Israel generally invite coworkers and do not invite coworkers' spouses to weddings.


I work in a charedi/dati leumi environment.
My brother in law and sister in law each work in completely secular environments and have never had their spouse invited to a co workers simcha.
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mille




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2015, 5:47 pm
Invite both, but explain to them that it's separate seating for everything and separate dancing, so their husbands might not be comfortable coming. Tell them that you won't be offended at all if their husbands decide to opt out. But, you have to invite them and plan for them to come. It's very very rude otherwise.
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