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Not happy with guests...
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amother
Wheat


 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 7:05 pm
VENT :
I agree to host someone last minute (20 something year old girl) because of a Rebbetzin request and then someone else tagged along after I had agreed to the first request (hours before licht benching). DH felt this was shady and sneaky and was very unhappy at first because we worried about having enough food but got over got some extra things it thinking it was an emergency and a mitzvah .

Then the second girl the one who showed up by surprise had a Jap snobby vibe the whole shabbos and I felt like my small Heimishy apartment was some dingy hovel! embarrassed

Honestly It is nothing she said but she just seemed you know not at ease and not happy with the invite,bed , meal , dessert or anything, I got no compliments and no thank yous have come our way. I had this tight feeling in my stomach the whole time and just felt incredibly nebby.

I was told it was an emergency so I cleaned and cooked like maniac only to find out they had just decided to try a new shul out for the heck of it because it will be close to some cafes Rolling Eyes .
DH heard this lovely detail they blurted it out during the meal like it was no big deal .

DH shook his head sadly , benched and then excused himself and went to our room and I could tell he was unhappy and felt annoyed someone had just taken advantage of us like that.

We are not rich at all ... we went over budget to host our "emergency" guests and it was painful to feel we did not measure up to their expectations even though all the food was made with chessed and l' kavod Shabbos.

I don't feel like hosting for a long time now Crying
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MiracleMama




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 7:09 pm
Please don't let some snotty young girls make you feel badly about yourself. They are the ones to be pitied. You may have a small home with meager accommodations but they are the ones who have no class at all.
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youngishbear




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 7:26 pm
I think those girls have a lot of growing up to do. Would you like a creative reframe? Here are my thoughts:

Maybe this new shul will help them become more introspective and growth oriented, in which case your sacrifice was for kiruv kerovim purposes...

Don't let one bad-tasting apple keep you from trying any others. The less satisfaction you had from the whole parsha, the more the mitzvah counts.

(Maybe next time you can verify with the rebetzin if it's the guests have a genuine need or a want.)
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 7:59 pm
I would let the Rebbetzin know.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 10:27 pm
{{{HUGS}}}.
So sorry you had such an unpleasant experience. Those girls broke every rule in the book, from ein oreach machnis oreach to mid'var shker tirchak. YOU measured up beautifully--you stepped up to the plate when you were told someone had an emergency. The ones who did not measure up in any way, shape, or form were your guests, who invented an emergency when all they wanted was a free meal in a new neighborhood . Consider your uncomfortable Shabbat a kapparah for something.

I agree with Slateblue that you should tell the Rebbetzin. The girls deceived her, too, and if she is responsible for them in any way, or if she has any contact with their parents, she should know what these girls are like AND inform their parents before they pull the same shtick on any more people. Seriously, not even saying thank you? Where were these girls born, in a barn?

Still, you did the mitzvah of hachnassat orchim; that these girls were merely selfish rather than truly needy does not take away from your sachar. And the KBH will reimburse you for your outlay.
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MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 10:51 pm
amother wrote:
VENT :
Then the second girl the one who showed up by surprise had a Jap snobby vibe...:
Rolling Eyes

I'm, perhaps, the only one here who finds this kind of stereotyping offensive, but I'm not going to sit on my hands and let it pass without comment.
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sneakermom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 10:52 pm
The yetzer hara is distorting this for you.

The reality is you should hold your head high. You did a huge mitzvah and went outside of your comfort zone. You reached out to these guest and gave them your all.

They were ungracious receivers.

Judge yourself by the input. Not the outcome. People aren't always receptive to our overtures no matter what value we hold for them.
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MamaBear




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 10:59 pm
Likely, their rudeness is not intentional. They are clueless and do not know any better. Hopefully, one day they will grow into more mature women and understand the kindness and hospitality you showed them.

I was not particularly thoughtful at that age and I have a few memories that actually haunt me to this today. I wish I could go back and apologize to certain people for not being more considerate and less self centered.

On the other hand, I am not shy to say that I do lots of chessed, much of it anonymously with no fanfare. So I have grown from those days and perhaps those women who I didn't show enough gratitude helped shape me. Perhaps you will play a small role in who these women become, just with your one shabbos.
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amother
Peach


 

Post Sun, Aug 02 2015, 11:03 pm
amother wrote:
VENT :
I agree to host someone last minute (20 something year old girl) because of a Rebbetzin request and then someone else tagged along after I had agreed to the first request (hours before licht benching). DH felt this was shady and sneaky and was very unhappy at first because we worried about having enough food but got over got some extra things it thinking it was an emergency and a mitzvah .

Then the second girl the one who showed up by surprise had a Jap snobby vibe the whole shabbos and I felt like my small Heimishy apartment was some dingy hovel! embarrassed

Honestly It is nothing she said but she just seemed you know not at ease and not happy with the invite,bed , meal , dessert or anything, I got no compliments and no thank yous have come our way. I had this tight feeling in my stomach the whole time and just felt incredibly nebby.

I was told it was an emergency so I cleaned and cooked like maniac only to find out they had just decided to try a new shul out for the heck of it because it will be close to some cafes Rolling Eyes .
DH heard this lovely detail they blurted it out during the meal like it was no big deal .

DH shook his head sadly , benched and then excused himself and went to our room and I could tell he was unhappy and felt annoyed someone had just taken advantage of us like that.

We are not rich at all ... we went over budget to host our "emergency" guests and it was painful to feel we did not measure up to their expectations even though all the food was made with chessed and l' kavod Shabbos.

I don't feel like hosting for a long time now Crying



Did the girls tell you it was an emergency? Or did the rebbetzin?

Did the girls tell you that they looked down on your home? Or did you decide that because of a "vibe"?

Did they tell you your food didn't measure up I? Or did you decide that on your own?

It sounds like these girls did not properly express their gratitude. But the "emergency" was that your rebbetzin promised them a place, but didn't follow through until the last minute. Nothing more or less.
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Another mom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2015, 8:41 pm
I'm sure deep down they appreciated it-- and you DID do a mitzva -"Lifum Tza'ara agra"- which means the bigger the hardship, the bigger the reward.
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amother
Tan


 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2015, 9:19 pm
MagentaYenta wrote:
Rolling Eyes

I'm, perhaps, the only one here who finds this kind of stereotyping offensive, but I'm not going to sit on my hands and let it pass without comment.


She didn't mean Jap as in Japanese, but Jewish American Princess, aka, a SNOB!
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MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2015, 9:21 pm
amother wrote:
She didn't mean Jap as in Japanese, but Jewish American Princess, aka, a SNOB!


I know exactly what she meant. It's an offensive term and stereotype.
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amother
Natural


 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2015, 9:38 pm
Amother bc of personal info:
I was socially awkward when I was younger. I had major social anxiety, only people didn't know it. I looked "normal". When I decided to pull myself together, I could look good. People sometimes thought I was rude, etc. when what was really going on was major social anxiety in my head. I went to someone's house on a Friday night as a sem student, then told them I wasn't feeling well and had to leave while we waited for their dh to come home from shul. After I left, I was positive they all must think I was nuts.
In hindsight, this woman may have been offended. Maybe she thought I was a "jappy" girl who came to her house and didn't like what I saw. I assure you, I was so far in my head, I didn't notice the quality of the place. She was so sweet and I felt like I couldn't be in the presence of other people right then.
There were other times I just sat quietly at the table. Maybe I didn't say thank you.
I was also able to be social at other times, or even cover it up very well at the same time, so people didn't really know what was going on in my head.
My point being, I don't think it's fair for everyone here to jump on these sem girls based on your "vibes" about what they were thinking.
Also, someone else beat me to it, but did the girls themselves tell you this was an emergency? Maybe the rebbetzin told guest 1 it would be okay to bring guest 2? I think you should talk to the rebbetzin for clarification. And unless the girls were overtly rude, I don't think it's fair to fault them for your vibes.
Ultimately, you have no reason to feel bad. You did a wonderful thing. You tried to help people you believed were in need, because you have a wonderful giving quality. Don't let these uncertainties change this amazing quality within you.
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boymom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Aug 03 2015, 10:05 pm
hugs to you OP for this awful experience. being taken advantage of definitely hurts

just wanna say that sometimes I feel like im being snobby , when actually im just painfully shy. to the extent of not greeting a neighbor.... don't know exactly what the girl said or didn't say, but maybe she has social issues that make her look snobby. maybe she expresses herself poorly.
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amother
Burlywood


 

Post Tue, Aug 04 2015, 3:03 pm
I am also shy and have social anxiety. I also make things up when I am feeling awkward.

Please don't feel bad about yourself.
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 04 2015, 9:58 pm
MagentaYenta wrote:
I know exactly what she meant. It's an offensive term and stereotype.


I think it has passed into the "taking back and owning" stage. Years ago, I remember it being off the charts in offensiveness; now, I notice that young Jewish women use it affectionately to chide one another.

I'm certainly not defending this usage, but I suspect those of us "d'un certain age" react more strongly to it than our younger counterparts.

As for the ungrateful guests, you have to clearly communicate to your rebbetzin what you are able to do financially and work-wise. For example, "We can host people for three seudas a month." Then let the chips fall where they may.

Sometimes, you'll wind up with fabulous people who will become life-long friends; other times, not so much. And sometimes, your scheduled guests won't show up at all -- which is what happened to me last week after I bought extra food and stayed up late washing dishes and setting the table on Friday night.

The girls themselves will, I"YH, mature and start their own homes, where, b'derech teveh of midda keneged midda, they'll host equally oblivious guests.
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StripedFlower




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 04 2015, 10:05 pm
amother wrote:
VENT :
I agree to host someone last minute (20 something year old girl) because of a Rebbetzin request


You really need to let this Rebetzin know.
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StripedFlower




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Aug 04 2015, 10:14 pm
MagentaYenta wrote:
I know exactly what she meant. It's an offensive term and stereotype.


You're really blowing this out of proportion.

It's a stereotype, sure, but so what? Life is full of stereotypes. This is a descriptive one, and it seems to make sense.

It's not offensive. A stereotype like "all blacks are crooks" is an offensive stereotype. But saying all spoilt, snobby, rude girls are JAPs isn't. It's just a fact.
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amother
Chocolate


 

Post Wed, Aug 05 2015, 1:54 am
StripedFlower wrote:
You're really blowing this out of proportion.

It's a stereotype, sure, but so what? Life is full of stereotypes. This is a descriptive one, and it seems to make sense.

It's not offensive. A stereotype like "all blacks are crooks" is an offensive stereotype. But saying all spoilt, snobby, rude girls are JAPs isn't. It's just a fact.


I think Fox is right, it's a generational thing. JAP isn't just saying spoiled and snobby... the word came about to describe Jewish girls in general. When people thought of jewish girls they thought of spoiled princesses.
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imasoftov




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Aug 05 2015, 6:30 am
StripedFlower wrote:
You're really blowing this out of proportion.

It's a stereotype, sure, but so what? Life is full of stereotypes. This is a descriptive one, and it seems to make sense.

It's not offensive. A stereotype like "all blacks are crooks" is an offensive stereotype. But saying all spoilt, snobby, rude girls are JAPs isn't. It's just a fact.

If someone is a crook, call him a crook, regardless of race. If someone is spoiled, call her that, regardless of religion.
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