How do you deal? (attitude)

amother

Papaya

Mon, Aug 03 2015, 12:21 pm

For experienced mothers of teens, tweens or former tweens:
DS 12 is a sweet, good kid.

Recently though, he's been acting snarky and sarcastic with his younger siblings. Like, younger brother scrapes his knee and ds snaps, "Can you stop talking about it already? I'm really not interested."

Or younger brother tries to tell him something and he responds, "Congratulations. What's your point?"

This is not coming out of anger. He's a happy kid. He's also a hard worker and very responsible.

My response is to try to explain to him why what he says is hurtful, and to have him re-phrase it, with an apology. I've also tried discussing it with him during calm times. But it happens so often I'm wondering if I'm having any effect.

Is this normal? Should I pretend not to hear?? Or does anyone have any other suggestions?

Another thing, he's recently (within the past year) refused all affection from me and dh. No hugs / kisses in either direction. I try so hard not to take it personally (or at least not to show that I do) but he used to be the most affectionate child! If I insist on kissing him anyway, even a peck on the cheek, he says, "Ew that was wet!" Same thing with dh. If I or dh tries to hug him, he laughs but pulls away yelling, "Help! Let me go!"

Does he "really" want the affection? Or should I respect his wishes and give up trying?

Has anyone else here dealt with this?

grace413

Mon, Aug 03 2015, 1:13 pm

Don't push physical affection. It's important for him to know he has control over his body. This phase will probably pass in a few years (as long as it's not in front of other people).

Of course, continue to express your love in words and actions.

Re the other stuff, that's more difficult. Maybe a "That's not an acceptable way to speak in our home." and then let it go.

amother

Papaya

Mon, Aug 03 2015, 3:17 pm

grace413 wrote:

Thank you Grace. Of course I have always taught him that he has control over his body. I believe that very strongly. I guess I'm just perplexed as to where this is coming from. Wondering if anyone else has dealt with this?

Fox

Mon, Aug 03 2015, 3:18 pm

Sometime when you're alone with him and you're both in a relaxed mood, try pointing out the consequences of his snarkiness.

"Listen, Nigel, I understand that it can be super annoying when Elwood tells that story about the ferret escaping in Rabbi Ocelot's classroom for the millionth time. But, you know, you have to listen to family members' stories politely if you want *them* to listen to *you*."

"Yeah, well, I don't tell the same stupid story fifty times a day!"

"Really? I seem to remember your telling about the trip to the sand dunes quite a few times.

"That was an amazing trip. It wasn't some dumb story about a ferret."

"You know, Elwood's story about the ferret is just as cool to him as your trip to the dunes was cool to you. He's three years younger, so what seems funny to him might not be so funny to you. But did you ever think that what seems funny or interesting to you might not seem the same way to your cousin, Wilber, who's 15?"

"Wilber seemed interested in hearing about the sand dunes!"

"Yes, perhaps he was. Or perhaps he paid attention and asked questions because he knew it was important to you. Sometimes family members listen to one another's experiences not because they care about the story, but because they care about the person telling the story. And if you want Elwood to listen when you have something to say, you have to reciprocate."

I'm not promising that such a dialogue will cure the teenage snarkiness, a particularly insidious and virulent ailment, but it will plant the idea in the young man's mind that the world doesn't engage in conversation solely for his entertainment.

Dolly Welsh

Mon, Aug 03 2015, 3:25 pm

Look into what is going on around him waaaay outside the house. School, camp, friends, teachers he knows, all that. Is something not ok about his school? Is he doing sports? Could something be bugging him there? Use your narrowed eyeballs. Is anybody upsetting your son?

If he is using a language that sounds like a foreign language to you, that is foreign to the way your household talks, somebody may be teaching him this language.

In some houses (maybe unfortunately) snottiness is normal so all is well, or anyway, routine. But you seem to say this is an alien language.

No, 12 year old boys don't want much in the way of mommy kisses, or anyway only on the hair, not on the more sensitive skin. And not a lot. But the language is bothering me.

Look around with very open eyes.

He should hang around your husband more.

Discuss this quietly with your husband. Say it's not just a discipline thing, you are worried.

Amarante

Mon, Aug 03 2015, 3:34 pm

Unfortunately it sound normal to me. I remember very clearly when my older brother became surly and I didn't understand why he *hated* us all of a sudden.

I would say pick your battles since aside from acting out with his family BECAUSE he feels safe, he is still working hard and behaving outside the family.

He still needs to know he is loved. Maybe the mushy stuff is embarrassing him now as he is dealing with puberty but you can show him how much you love him in other ways. Maybe putting special nosh in his lunch with a note.

amother

Papaya

Mon, Aug 03 2015, 4:48 pm

Thanks for all the responses.

Fox I love your examples! I've been having similar conversations, so I guess I'm on the right track then. Dolly, I hear what you're saying. Amarante, thanks for the validation. I guess I'll try to focus more on other ways of showing him love, for now.