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Forum
-> Household Management
-> Finances
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amother
Ecru
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 Thu, Aug 13 2015, 4:16 pm
my parents have mismanaged their finances all their lives. They are always struggling but will splurge on ridiculous unnecessary things.
Now they want to lease a car (they r not getting the cheapest available they need a "fancy" one.)
My father just called me to ask me if I can consign the lease.
My dh and I work very hard and we Bh make ends meet and are saving up for a house. We have no financial help at all. We are very careful to keep both of our credit histories perfect. I told my father that I can't do it. I'm afraid they might default on the loan.
Am I a terrible daughter?
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sequoia
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Thu, Aug 13 2015, 4:20 pm
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No, you're a smart person.
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justcallmeima
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Thu, Aug 13 2015, 4:21 pm
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NO! You did the right thing and I suspect they will not give you any flack for it because they know you are doing the right thing.
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Notsobusy
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Thu, Aug 13 2015, 4:50 pm
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Unfortunately you were right to say no. Although it must have been horrible to have to say it to them.
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PAMOM
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Thu, Aug 13 2015, 5:04 pm
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I know it must have been hard for you, but you did the right thing. This is also better for your relationship.
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Anonymiss 1
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Thu, Aug 13 2015, 5:22 pm
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I'm sure it was difficult for you to say no, but it's much better to deal with that than it would be to deal with the repercussions after the fact.
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Optione
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Thu, Aug 13 2015, 6:43 pm
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What they all said. I agree completely
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amother
Ecru
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Thu, Aug 13 2015, 10:11 pm
Thanx.
I hope he understands but chances are he doesn't and is upset that I'm not "helping" them. Dh and I are the ones they call when they need something to be taken care of or arranged...
Small things I don't mind. I'm happy when I can help them. It's so hard when they put us in this kind of position. But they absolutely don't get it.
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amother
Salmon
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Thu, Aug 13 2015, 11:18 pm
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We were asked the same thing by my DH sister - to cosign a car lease for her son. My Dh wanted to do it but I refused. They figured it out on their own. You and your family come first. U absolutely did the right thing and it will be fine.
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MagentaYenta
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Thu, Aug 13 2015, 11:30 pm
You weren't mean you were wise.
There is a reason that an adult needs a cosigner, they are a risk to lend to.
I've never had the subject come up, even with the kids. They all learned about credit and how to build good credit.
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amother
Fuchsia
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Thu, Aug 13 2015, 11:32 pm
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My brother asked us to cosign on his mortgage. We said no.
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singlemom
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Fri, Aug 14 2015, 12:02 am
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U we're honest, u did the right thing!
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yOungM0mmy
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Fri, Aug 14 2015, 8:42 am
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I'm sorry, but it just doesn't sit right with me, especially as a basic aspect of kibud av va'em (providing food, drink, clothes and transport). My parents gave me so much, and would do it for me in a heartbeat, I could never say no, but I would say sorry I can't afford a fancy one, I'll arrange for a cheap one (and maybe not a lease - those are not so common in my country anyway, but I'd arrange to buy them a cheaper used car and then they can be responsible to pay insurance, upkeep etc.) Since you are not living paycheck to paycheck, and technically do have the money, I would not be able to just refuse without offering an alternative.
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amother
Lavender
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Fri, Aug 14 2015, 9:02 am
| yOungM0mmy wrote: | | I'm sorry, but it just doesn't sit right with me, especially as a basic aspect of kibud av va'em (providing food, drink, clothes and transport). My parents gave me so much, and would do it for me in a heartbeat, I could never say no, but I would say sorry I can't afford a fancy one, I'll arrange for a cheap one (and maybe not a lease - those are not so common in my country anyway, but I'd arrange to buy them a cheaper used car and then they can be responsible to pay insurance, upkeep etc.) Since you are not living paycheck to paycheck, and technically do have the money, I would not be able to just refuse without offering an alternative. |
Do you understand the meaning of the term "cosigning"? This isn't the same as handing over cash that you have in order to help out. Cosigning gone wrong- and it almost always does go wrong, when a lender asks for that, it's with good reason- leads to financial ruin for the cosigners. If the parents needed a car and didn't have the cash and the kids did? Sure, the right thing to do to help them out. My own parents have horrible financial habits and have had a lot of problems as a result. I and other siblings have helped them with spare cash over the years because we would never dare allow our parents to be thrown in the street just because they brought their crises on themselves. But we draw the line at cosigning. Kibbud av va'em does not require you to compromise your children's future in order to help your parents be irresponsible. In fact, down the line, it will hurt your parents when (and yes, for these kinds of people, it's a matter of when, not if) the next crisis arises but you literally can't help even if you want to because your own finances have been ruined. Just say no to cosigning. For anyone. I don't even get why the system still exists. If you want to help someone, give them cash/buy the item for them, but forncryig out lou d, don't cosign anything!
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CatLady
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Fri, Aug 14 2015, 9:14 am
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As the parent of an adult child, it's very hard for me to ask for help, even with small things like carrying in groceries after my DS has taken me to Costco. I feel respected and loved when my son says "Here, let me get that", and takes the bags from me. So my feeling is that your parents might feel even more special if you bought them a second-hand car rather than co-signing on a shiny new leased vehicle. That's my personal definition of acting in the spirit of kibud. YMMV, of course!
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amother
Papaya
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Fri, Aug 14 2015, 9:14 am
| yOungM0mmy wrote: | | I'm sorry, but it just doesn't sit right with me, especially as a basic aspect of kibud av va'em (providing food, drink, clothes and transport). My parents gave me so much, and would do it for me in a heartbeat, I could never say no, but I would say sorry I can't afford a fancy one, I'll arrange for a cheap one (and maybe not a lease - those are not so common in my country anyway, but I'd arrange to buy them a cheaper used car and then they can be responsible to pay insurance, upkeep etc.) Since you are not living paycheck to paycheck, and technically do have the money, I would not be able to just refuse without offering an alternative. |
Just for the record, kibud av v'aim rules change for a woman when she gets married. Based on what I learned op does not have an obligation to help parents in this situation. Look into the Halacha.
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yOungM0mmy
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Fri, Aug 14 2015, 9:20 am
| amother wrote: | | Do you understand the meaning of the term "cosigning"? This isn't the same as handing over cash that you have in order to help out. Cosigning gone wrong- and it almost always does go wrong, when a lender asks for that, it's with good reason- leads to financial ruin for the cosigners. If the parents needed a car and didn't have the cash and the kids did? Sure, the right thing to do to help them out. My own parents have horrible financial habits and have had a lot of problems as a result. I and other siblings have helped them with spare cash over the years because we would never dare allow our parents to be thrown in the street just because they brought their crises on themselves. But we draw the line at cosigning. Kibbud av va'em does not require you to compromise your children's future in order to help your parents be irresponsible. In fact, down the line, it will hurt your parents when (and yes, for these kinds of people, it's a matter of when, not if) the next crisis arises but you literally can't help even if you want to because your own finances have been ruined. Just say no to cosigning. For anyone. I don't even get why the system still exists. If you want to help someone, give them cash/buy the item for them, but forncryig out lou d, don't cosign anything! |
Did you not read my whole reply? No, I wouldn't co-sign on a fancy car, or any car - I don't buy anything for myself in instalments either - either I buy it outright, or I can't afford it (except a mortgage pg one day). But rather than just saying no,
I would say sorry I can't afford a fancy one, I'll arrange for a cheap one (and maybe not a lease - those are not so common in my country anyway, but I'd arrange to buy them a cheaper used car and then they can be responsible to pay insurance, upkeep etc.)
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yOungM0mmy
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Fri, Aug 14 2015, 9:23 am
| amother wrote: | | Just for the record, kibud av v'aim rules change for a woman when she gets married. Based on what I learned op does not have an obligation to help parents in this situation. Look into the Halacha. |
That is true, her husband comes first, but if he allows her to, she still has the obligation, and I would hope that my husband would allow me to help in a way that won't affect our credit score or come back to bite us later.
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amother
Ecru
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Fri, Aug 14 2015, 9:30 am
| yOungM0mmy wrote: | Did you not read my whole reply? No, I wouldn't co-sign on a fancy car, or any car - I don't buy anything for myself in instalments either - either I buy it outright, or I can't afford it (except a mortgage pg one day). But rather than just saying no,
I would say sorry I can't afford a fancy one, I'll arrange for a cheap one (and maybe not a lease - those are not so common in my country anyway, but I'd arrange to buy them a cheaper used car and then they can be responsible to pay insurance, upkeep etc.) |
I'm happy that you never had to deal with people like my parents. Who are very good people who I love and respect. But they have a very big problem when it comes to finances they are like children. Even if I offered to get them a second hand car they would not want it. They want a new nice car. They can't see past that. Does anyone know what I mean? It's not the first time they asked me for financial help. (Btw I'm 26) I help when I can but consigning is not giving them money it's risking my future.
He already asked my sister to consign. I think she said yes. (I kind of hope she didn't)
The more I'm thinking about it the less I feel like I was wrong to say no. I need to protect our future. I think I did the right thing.
I wish they would understand.
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yOungM0mmy
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Fri, Aug 14 2015, 9:43 am
| amother wrote: | I'm happy that you never had to deal with people like my parents. Who are very good people who I love and respect. But they have a very big problem when it comes to finances they are like children. Even if I offered to get them a second hand car they would not want it. They want a new nice car. They can't see past that. Does anyone know what I mean? It's not the first time they asked me for financial help. (Btw I'm 26) I help when I can but consigning is not giving them money it's risking my future.
He already asked my sister to consign. I think she said yes. (I kind of hope she didn't)
The more I'm thinking about it the less I feel like I was wrong to say no. I need to protect our future. I think I did the right thing.
I wish they would understand. |
You're right, my parents would never pressure me to do anything of the sort, they wouldn't ask for help unless they were beyond desperate and if I then offered to buy them a second hand car they'd be truly grateful. I drive a second (third) hand car myself. Perhaps this would be a place for a general discussion with a Rav about how to best go about fulfilling Kibud Av Va'em while protecting yourself. Best of luck.
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