Me and dh come from homes that do finances very differently

amother

Aubergine

Wed, Aug 19 2015, 10:26 am

So, my husband's family is very particular about every penny...they don't get things they don't need, they calculate everything...it works for them, and that's fine. My family does not. We believe in treating yourself once in a while, we never calculated where every penny goes, and truthfully my family is now partying for that, and can barely live day to day without wondering where the food will come from Sad

I don't want to live like my in laws, but don't want to end up like my parents. But I am a girl, I have needs and wants, and I've been feeling a little deprived lately. My husband watches every penny and does not like it at all when he sees a grocery bill of $100 every week, yesterday's clothing bill of $140 (note, that was after 2 solid months of not shopping, because I've been dealing with terrible morning sickness this summer)...and pregnancy will only continue to get more expensive as I grow, bezrat Hashem:) and then there will be cribs and diapers and baby clothes, and strollers and car seats, and baby food and all that IYH:) we both work,,BH. do you think it's fair to ask my husband for an "allowance" each month? Lets say 200, and I can use it toward my clothing, my shaitels, anything I need, this way I know I have money that hubby agreed to let me spend, and he knows I won't go over that? And if I do, I take it off of next month's allowance? Does anyone do this? Does it work? I want us both to be happy and be on the same page without either of us feeling deprived/regretful. Any other advice for this question is welcome as well. Thanks!

kollel wife

Wed, Aug 19 2015, 10:56 am

I don't know if you have to call it an allowance.

First, you should start with a budget.

You together earn xyz.
Then there's taxes and basic expenses - rent, electric, food, health insurance, etc.
After that if you have extra - can you discuss how you'd like to save put away some money and the rest possibly spend. You don't have to buy clothes every month with the extra, but that should be your leeway.

You may need to include some things in the basic expenses that he may feel are a luxury - whether it's takeout or whatever. But if this fits in the budget and he sees that he'll be ok.

When your baby is born b"eh, the new things you'll need to buy - the larger expenses may come out of savings, but the child care, diapers, etc should hopefully come out of the monthly income.

amother

Jade

Wed, Aug 19 2015, 10:57 am

I personally don't like the idea of 'allowances' b/c that means you're not working as a team. you're the dependent. its icky. if that's fine with you, then go for it. I would recommend instead sitting down together, figuring out income, expenses including for extras or things that come up, how you can save, how you can earn more.
look for ways to save money together. you can shop for all things baby at local baby gemachs. you do not need higher end strollers and baby things. learn to wash your own shaitel. there are also gemachs for clothes. shop at resale shops. tell your friends you'd love to borrow their maternity clothes if possible. its not too hard to save money. most of us have to do it!
good luck!!!

amother

Aubergine

Wed, Aug 19 2015, 11:02 am

I didn't like the word allowance either...made me feel like a child (dw, dh didn't say it, it's just the word I used. I haven't discussed this yet with dh, wanted to see what other ppl do. I have heard of marriages where husband takes care of finances, so wife likes the allowance cuz she knows hubby is keeping track, but she still has what to spend) personally, I don't think I'd mind such a set up, I guess we will find something we agree upon, and try it out to see if it works. Thanks!

little_mage

Wed, Aug 19 2015, 2:21 pm

While we don't call it an allowance, that's basically what my husband and I do. We each have a set amount of money we want that we can spend on what ever we want and the other one isn't allowed to question it. If we don't spend it, it carries over so that we can save up for something bigger if we want.

However, I agree with the previous posters who recommend setting up a budget. Using some sort of tracking software that both of you can access is also helpful because it's then easier to check on how much money is left in the budget. We're using You Need a Budget, although mint.com isn't bad as a starter.

Iymnok

Wed, Aug 19 2015, 2:42 pm

You should both have clarity on income and basic expenses. There is usually leftover if you are living frugally before kids.
Express your long term goals, as in how much should be put in savings each month.
Clarify your needs and wants. Maybe rate them on a 1-10 scale.
Maternity clothes and diapers are needs. High-end name-brand dry-clean-only clothes are wants.
Leave a cushion in the funds allocated for expenses for the higher months.
Elul and Nissan are double the expenses than normal.

Basically sit down and talk it out. Find each other's comfort level, then COMPROMISE.

Amarante

Wed, Aug 19 2015, 2:46 pm

As everyone has said, I think married couples have to agree on a budget which would include long term and short term saving. It's no more healthy to pinch every penny for fear of being broke as it is to spend mindlessly as if money grew on trees. Knowledge is empowering and sitting down and seeing exactly how much you make - how much you need for fixed expenses and how much you have for discretionary spending goals is the first step to feeling in control of your money.

That said, I think a budget needs to include reasonable personal expenditures which I think are part of the budget - I.e. necessary clothing, personal grooming (including hair cuts or whatever).

However, I also think each person should get an amount that is solely theirs to spend as they wish without consulting the other person or having to justify it. The amount is obviously going to vary depending on total income but whatever it is, I think even children (let alone adults) should have some money that they can waste, save or do whatever they want with so long as they have taken care of everything else.

SRS

Wed, Aug 19 2015, 6:04 pm

I've said the same thing in older posts. The two of you need to sit down and come to an agreement on a reasonable household budget. That budget should honor your need for flexibility and his need for being frugal. It should give you the flexibility to spend money as you need within the frugal budget you agree upon. so, yes, you should not have to use the entire budget for clothing or food every month. If you spend less one month, you can spend more the next if your cash flow allows for it.

Next, each of you should have some money to spend that is not accounted for. For some this means that husband and wife each get a monthly amount of cash or a transfer "allowance" and there is no accounting for that money by the other. So if you take $600 annually to blow on stuff like manicures, coffees, frozen yogurt, trinkets, and all the stuff he might object to, the is your own business in your own account. He might end up saving up his $600 if he isn't a spender, but same idea, if he takes his $1800 after 3 years and buys a huge toy, that is his prerogative.

SRS

Wed, Aug 19 2015, 6:08 pm

Another note . . I too reject this "allowance" idea a lot of wives have. You have household money and a household budget regardless of who is currently earning income. You are a unit (barring unusual circumstances or 2nd marriages that have different rules).

It is possible that some husbands go the allowance route because they see irresponsibility on the wife's side (as you mention here). The key to operating as one unit is total trust. If you don't have that trust, for whatever reason, that is great reason to insist on a budget and then show him that he can trust you to stick with the budget.

rise above

Wed, Aug 19 2015, 8:54 pm

We used the words personal discretionary budget - as opposed to allowance - when we were first starting out with budgeting and dh (ironically) felt stifled. This gave him the leeway of petty cash spending without reckoning on our excel spreadsheet, allowing him to feel some freedom amidst the new budgeting concepts. At this point were both fully on board and pretty much on the same page re:spending and savings so we don't actually allocate personal discretionary budgets,we just spend what we need for ourselves from the general miscellaneous budget while keeping in mind the other more necessary expenses and our months goals.