Ok, where did I go wrong here????

amother

Gold

Tue, Aug 25 2015, 9:31 pm

So today my 3yo DD noticed something of mine on the kitchen counter that didn't belong there and said, "Mommy, put that back in your cabinet NOW." And proceeded to count on her fingers... "1....2....3."

I guess we really teach them how to talk LOL!

What would you have responded?

amother

Gold

Tue, Aug 25 2015, 9:53 pm

amother wrote:

I have this hanging on one of my bulletin boards outside my classroom (I didn't make it up):

The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.

I know! This is what I was thinking. But that makes me wonder, am I wrong for using this technique on her? I definitely don't want her using it on me...or her teachers...or her friends....

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Aug 25 2015, 9:56 pm

Very interesting.

"Yes darling it doesn't belong there. Thank you for reminding me." Then put it away. Then resolve not to teach that any more. She learned it somewhere. She doesn't speak Fidji. She has never heard Fidji.

Don't worry. Life goes on. But yes, children are tape recorders. What they hear, they will give back. How can they do anything else? What you don't want to hear, don't say. And, what you do want to hear, do say.

People may think you are mad for using great politeness to a tiny child but they will laugh out of the other side of their mouths when that's how your children talk. Nicely.

Use ambassadorial politeness. It's fun when it comes back.

Fox

Wed, Aug 26 2015, 10:38 am

Dolly Welsh wrote:

People may think you are mad for using great politeness to a tiny child but they will laugh out of the other side of their mouths when that's how your children talk. Nicely.

Use ambassadorial politeness. It's fun when it comes back.

I can't agree with this enough!

Sure, all of us use "counting" or similar techniques from time to time, but hearing it used back may be a sign that you're using it too quickly or too often.

Remember, the goal isn't immediate compliance; the goal is long-term chinuch.

On a different thread -- I've forgotten which one -- someone mentioned that you can't evaluate your parenting until your kids are *at least* 30 years old. This is so, so true.

Life is easier when kids obey instructions promptly, but it should never come at the cost of training them to be snappish, demanding adults.

amother

Gold

Wed, Aug 26 2015, 12:23 pm

I actually naturally veer towards politeness, but I've been actively working on becoming more assertive. The reason is that it was explained to me that when you say to a child, "Are you ready to...?" or "Do you mind...?" or "Please will you...?" what they hear is that you are REQUESTING something, and that they can say either yes or no. Now I'm all about giving choices when possible, but at times when that is not, I think it's clearer for the child to give an assertive command. "Pick that up and put it here in the box." No room for confusion.

Chayalle

Wed, Aug 26 2015, 12:48 pm

My SIL used to have a comic strip hanging on her fridge. It shows a little girl playing with a doll house. She seats these little dollhouse people around a table and says things like "Eat your spinach. NOW! Come on, finish your spinach!"

Mom passes by and and the girl says "Mom, were you listening to me?"

Mom answers "No dear, I was listening to ME!"

seeker

Wed, Aug 26 2015, 1:41 pm

amother wrote:

True, but there is a wide range between requesting and commanding.

I do command my children and also have had to let them know that is a one way thing - parents are allowed to tell their children what to do and children are not allowed to tell their parents wha to do. But I also wouldn't want my whole day to be one long string of commands. There are alternatives:

"Hm, I see a toy on the counter...."
Or
"Naomi, where does this headband belong?"
Or
"Clean up time!"
Or
A thousand other variations that get the message across without being tyrannical. With the understanding that there are times when you do need a bit more dictatorship but they don't need to happen multiple times daily.

amother

Magenta

Wed, Aug 26 2015, 8:34 pm

This may not be politically correct but keep in mind that we are Torah obligated to teach our children right from wrong and to be menchen which includes things like Seder AND derech eretz.
A child has no Torah-obligation to educate the parent. Quite the contrary.
The Torah has no problem saying "no" - half of the aseret hadibrot are "don't s". Kabalat ol is a Jewish middah.
Obviously chinuch should also be given in a Torah way. Like in pirkei avos
Fyi Yes I do demand of my kids. Respectful - not down putting - but demanding.( your school shirts from the past three days hidden down the side of your bed in the hamper NOW!) sometimes I also start to laugh when I should show anger -cause they are so funny. And my big kids know this Sad

imasoftov

Sun, Aug 30 2015, 5:54 am

amother wrote:

This may not be politically correct but keep in mind that we are Torah obligated to teach our children right from wrong and to be menchen which includes things like Seder AND derech eretz.

The Torah teaches us "Seder" is part of right vs. wrong?

imasinger

Sun, Aug 30 2015, 7:39 am

amother wrote:

I disagree on one point. Children do benefit from clear directions.

But they can and should be issued politely.

"DC, please put your clothes in the hamper now."

Not, "I'd appreciate it if you would be so good as to pick up your things from the floor."

But not necessarily, "Put that in the hamper by the count of three!"

As Dolly implies, this is also the language of diplomacy. Clear AND polite. You don't want to leave room for misinterpretation between nations, nor in the devious minds of your clever offspring.