How can I get patience?

amother

Brown

Thu, Aug 27 2015, 1:20 pm

I have a 4 yr old girl. She's not the best at listening to directions and pulls my strings to the point that I hit her sometimes. Obviously, this is bad parenting and I am sad and guilty after I do it.

How does one gain patience among their children? She is my oldest.

sandwitched

Thu, Aug 27 2015, 1:23 pm

No advice but I can only say you're human and if your nerves are stretched to the limit, a reaction is sometimes inevitable.
Don't beat yourself up about it

relish

Thu, Aug 27 2015, 1:29 pm

Take a parenting class.
One of the biggest causes of reacting from frustration/anger is lack of tools for how to handle the situation. If you had a plan of action for the scenarios that trigger you, you would probably be implementing that and not reacting in a way that makes you feel guilty.

HonesttoGod

Thu, Aug 27 2015, 1:40 pm

Apologize.
Take a deep breath when she starts testing you. Give yourself five minutes in the bathroom in peace if that is what you need.
Then tell her you are sorry you hurt her and you didn't mean to because hurting is wrong and you were just upset that you couldn't do everything she wanted at one time.
Then tell her that nudging or whining or irritating is not the way to ask and if she wants something she should ask one time, nicely and listen to your answer.

relish

Thu, Aug 27 2015, 1:42 pm

HonesttoGod wrote:

Would a child take this to mean that you can hurt someone if they bother or upset you as long as you say the words "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it"?

sandwitched

Thu, Aug 27 2015, 1:48 pm

When a child is on the middle of tantruming she isn't going to reason with you.

TeachersNotebook

Fri, Aug 28 2015, 12:42 am

No one said anything about tantruming, Sandwitch.

As for Relish's concern about how a child responds to apologies: it depends how sincere the apology is. If you continue hurting, and continue offering empty apologies just so you can continue hurting, then obviously that sends the wrong message. It doesn't sound like OP is likely to do that. It is extremely important, IMO, for a child who was hurt wrongly to hear that their parent understands this was a mistake and is honestly working to correct it. First, this models for a child how to apologize when you make a mistake. And second, it helps repair a relationship that was wronged, in a healthy way.

My child is only two years old, and I'm already feeling the stress of not listening and whining and all those fun things. And how do you reason with a 2 year old, even when she isn't tantruming?! Here are three things that have marginally helped me (I've got a while to go until I feel like I've 'got this'):

1. Take care of yourself, so you have all the personal resources you need to be able to react appropriately. You need rest and relaxation, food and fun, yourself, in order to have strength, patience, and a clear head in the face of adversity;
2. Recognize that your daughter does not do this to hurt you. Instead, she's doing it because at this stage, this is her best coping mechanism, and she needs your help: help in the moment for whatever she's feeling, and help to learn how to express it better in the future. Another spin on this is to remember that this is just a phase that will pass- hopefully sooner rather than later! Smile

3. You need parenting philosophy and techniques up your sleeve that you can use as an alternative to hitting. Number 2 addressed a little bit of the philosophy. Other philosophies would be that you want to treat your child the way you want her to treat you, in as many cases as possible. You want to show great respect to your child so she will know how to show great respect to others. In other words, be the model for her, because we all know she's going to model you. Also, trying to enter her head and seeing things from her angle, instead of only focusing on what you want to get done, is often helpful. There are great Jewish books out there on parenting philosophy. I like those by R Orlowek.
In terms of techniques, I know for 2 year olds, there's stuff like distraction, offering choices, and giving warning that a change is coming before you try to get her to do it (like letting her know bedtime is in 2 minutes and this is the last game, instead of springing bedtime on her), among many others. I'm not sure if 2yo techniques apply to 4yos, but there are so many courses to take and books to read. I especially like How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk.

Good for you for looking for better ways to handle this!! I hope you're able to find things that work well for your family. Please do share when you do! Smile

Bitachon101

Fri, Aug 28 2015, 1:58 am

You can pick it up in aisle 14 at the local CVS top shelf ask manager to reach h some down for you. Tongue Out

Sorry too tempting....

But on a serious note.... Deep breaths and refocus and sometimes walk away til ready to deal.
I also warn ds when I'm abt to yell and he usually responds to avoid that...

amother

Sienna

Fri, Aug 28 2015, 9:03 am

I have a little song I sing when I get frustrated with my kids.
"This too is from H-Shem, This too is from H-Shem, This too, this too, this too, this too is from H-Shem.
Try to catch yourself before you react, and walk away.
Talk to H-Shem to give you patience and guidence.
Know that H-Shem is speaking to you through your children's behavior.
The Garden of Education by Rabbi Shalom Arush is a great resource.

Chayalle

Fri, Aug 28 2015, 9:44 am

What relish said. Parenting courses saved my parenting.

Blue jay

Fri, Aug 28 2015, 11:48 am

Is she misbehaving? If so address the misbehavior ,not your child ( think of them as two separate things. Ultimately your daughter wants to make you proud of her and she does not know better). You dont want to break her spirit by hitting or yelling. Just call her out on her poor action "You are a big girl now and know better then doing or saying such and such. I am disappointed in you. Say you are sorry or if need be tell her that she is punished and needs to sit in a punishment spot ( otherwise known as a time out spot, but in our house we call it as it is, a punishment spot) have Her sit in a quiet spot with no games and toys, for about 5-10 minutes. Keep in viewing distance if possible, ( do not lock kids in rooms etc ) Then return and ask her to tell you why she is being punished..Then she should follow up with an apology And then on to the next thing. Put on a smile and move on.

If you find she is having problems with directions, then break it down into 1 simple direction like instead of "cleanup this mess" be more specific... like " pick up the blocks and put it in the bin"

Above all, if you feel like you are losing it and are fuming. Just give yourself a minute.... go get a drink of water... leave the room... stick your head in the fridge, and remember you should only discipline when you are calm. When you are calm and firm, your daughter will respond and learn.

Blue jay

Fri, Aug 28 2015, 5:47 pm

amother wrote:

I really like this post.We must be careful with our children because they are Ha-shems children too!

the world's best mom

Sun, Aug 30 2015, 12:01 am

I agree that the frustration comes from a lack of having better techniques up your sleeve. Parenting classes, or parenting books, can be extremely helpful.

little neshamala

Sun, Aug 30 2015, 8:53 pm

What helps me a lot is when I remember to coach myself, BEFORE her behavior happens, about how id like to react when she starts doing xyz. I find that if I mentally prepare myself for her annoying behavior then its much much easier for me to respond the appropriate way.
I especially do this before entering a store with her, or right before she comes home, whatever the typical weak times are....