So tired of bad teachers!

amother

Powderblue

Tue, Sep 08 2015, 2:45 am

Ok, my daughter is not the easiest. We've had her evaluated and she is getting therapies for her behavioral issues.
That said, the single most effective strategy for her to do well in school has been a teacher who is caring, loving, strong and wants the best for her. She respects that and steps up to the plate. she has low self esteem, partially from teachers who couldn't handle her, and needs to be built up.
This year's teacher is doozy. The very first day, when there were only 2 hours of school, she took away her school bag because she was drinking in class. Obviously, she has to listen to the rules - we're on board with that - but it was not clear to me that that rule was stated clearly if at all, and my daughter needs clarity! She can't listen to rules she doesn't know! It's gone downhill from there.
My husband spoke to the teacher after the first day to explain the issues and establish contact. Yesterday there was some sort of issue and she told my daughter to tell her father to call or not to come back to class. Guess what? She told us nothing and went to school today. The school called and sent her home.
Hello???? My daugher is 8! She was obviously having a problem and giving her the responsibility just makes it worse. Why can't the teacher act her own age and CALL US? Does she want my daughter to feel good and thrive or just to sit and listen like a robot? Does she have any training with kids who are challenging? I can't believe we have to have a whole year of this.
I have already spoken to one of the therapists and told her she'll need to call and educate the teacher with some skills. I didn't follow up in time to make sure it happened quickly.
Venting. Would love some practical advice, though.

Delores

Tue, Sep 08 2015, 5:15 am

I want to give you the other perspective. Please don't get offended. I am the mom of the "good kids". The ones who follow the rules and respect the teacher and other students. There is always at least one "behaviorally challenged" kid in the class. The time and effort the teacher puts in to keep that kid in check is time and effort NOT going towards the education and enrichment of all the other students. Yes, your child deserves to be loved and respected by her teachers but if you are aware that she has issues you must make it your #1 priority that she can be properly integrated in the classroom. This could mean spending a lot of time at home discussing or practicing this, it could mean hiring a shadow to sit next to her in class. It might even mean getting her prescription medication so she can sit through class. There are some really bad teachers out in this world, I will give you that but if you find that this is happening every year and you are the only parent complaining about the teacher, it might be time for some introspection. Good luck.

vicki

Tue, Sep 08 2015, 5:48 am

Delores wrote:

I agree with most of this.
I hope the OP can separate between bad teachers and a teacher that is not able to offer her daughter the emotional, educational and practical support she needs.

amother

Powderblue

Tue, Sep 08 2015, 5:49 am

Thanks for the reply. First, be thankful for your kids behavior. I am not offended, and I have other kids like yours.
We do not expect the teacher to put in time at the expense of other kids - we DO expect her to put in the effort it takes to learn the skills to help ALL the kids, not just the easy ones. A teacher can't go into the field expecting all the kids to behave like angels.
Part of that is giving out clear expectations - I mentioned that we expect our daughter to follow the rules of course, but often (bad) teachers take for granted that it's obvious to students what the rules are, when certain kids need expectations laid out clearly every year at the beginning.
We have never had a teacher with any of our kids so far, save for a really horrible ganenet, who thought it was too much effort to put into our daughter. The really good ones, and most are, were more than happy to help our daughter succeed, and she has always met their expectations. In fact, the more effort they put in into making things go well, the less overall effort they need to exert in order to keep her in line, and the less effect it has on the classroom and other students.
While I appreciate what you say, it's easy for someone like you to throw out "oh, just put her on meds." she does not, bli ayin hara, need meds. She needs teachers who can relate to her.

DrMom

Tue, Sep 08 2015, 5:51 am

Did you discuss your DD's special needs with the teacher ahead of time?

Quote:

Yesterday there was some sort of issue and she told my daughter to tell her father to call or not to come back to class. Guess what? She told us nothing and went to school today. The school called and sent her home.
Hello???? My daugher is 8! She was obviously having a problem and giving her the responsibility just makes it worse. Why can't the teacher act her own age and CALL US?

I agree that this was not a smart way to contact you. If the issue is so severe that she is ready to expel your daughter from her classroom, a personal phone call is definitely in order.

I suggest a conference with this teacher, to set everything straight, and to make sure each side understands the expectations of the other side. It is still early in the school year. At this early stage, I would attempt to work with - not against -- this teacher.

cuffs

Tue, Sep 08 2015, 5:52 am

Wow! I'm shocked! This teacher really needs some advice as how to deal with a challenging student!
One thing for sure is you're going to have to win over the teachers favor. Somehow you're going to have to get her to really like your daughter. As a teacher myself, I know that the challenging student in my class, in the beginning of the year I feel exasperated until I get to know what makes her tick and how to get to her. Half way through the year I love her!
This teacher might also be giving her harsh punishments because it's the start of the new year and she wants to show the class, I mean business here! No fooling around with me!
But either way she has to learn some new punishment tactics! Sending an 8 year old home?!?!? I never heard of such a thing!! Taking away her nap sack?! She sounds either 18 or 65 and using old school methods.

amother

Powderblue

Tue, Sep 08 2015, 5:54 am

vicki wrote:

I agree with most of this.
I hope the OP can separate between bad teachers and a teacher that is not able to offer her daughter the emotional, educational and practical support she needs.

OP here - while you're right, every teacher needs to make the effort to gain the skills to help her students. I am not talking about a child who needs more than that. Is she not able because she won't do it, or because the child needs too much? If the former, she needs to rethink why she's in chinuch. Every teacher, as I stated before, has been happy to learn new skills to help her succeed, it doens't generally require more than that - just a change in attitude.

We can talk to the principal if need be, but that's certainly not the first resort. Thanks, though.

amother

Powderblue

Tue, Sep 08 2015, 5:58 am

DrMom wrote:

Did you discuss your DD's special needs with the teacher ahead of time?

Quote:

THanks - believe it or not, my husband callled her after the first day to let her know the issues, and she still acted like this. But we are going to have a lengthier talk with her to get the issues clarified - I agree, we DO want to work with her, and teach our daughter that not every teacher is going to be a perfect match for her. I am probably also going to have one of the therapists call her and explain better tips to deal with her.

amother

Powderblue

Tue, Sep 08 2015, 6:01 am

cuffs wrote:

Thanks, you understand me perfectly. By the way, I am also a former teacher, which is why I feel this way even more - I've been in the classroom and have had all sorts of students, and I've taken lots of graduate and post-graduate programs to be a good teacher! Most teachers end up adoring her, she is sweet and delicious and REALLY wants to please, when she feel secure and loved.

Rebesq

Tue, Sep 08 2015, 6:38 am

First of all I am so sorry you are struggling with this. As a parent with the kids that whiz by without issues as well as more challenging children, I understand your range of emotions.

That being said, this is totally inappropriate. I used to teach and now sit on the board of elementary school. If the happSned that teacher would have been reprimanded.

My questions are therefore twofold. Is this characteristic of a lack of experience/ ability that is endemic to the school? Or is it just this one teacher? If just this teacher then pick the best administrator there and get her on your side. It is a LONG year to be with a teacher if this is what the first days were like. If The entire school is a bit on the less professional side you may want to think about switching schools for this child. Because it will always be a battle against the school -not a partnership. Simple because not all of our schools have educationally and psychologically trained administrators and teachers.

bWe ended up switching out more challenging child out of the all boys school our family has been in for over a decade to the MO school in town. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. Teachers are trained, rebbeim are trained, ruled are rules without being nonsensical. I wish you much hatzlacha and nachas. It's oftrn these choldren thst turn out to do the most amazing things in their lives.

amother

Mint

Tue, Sep 08 2015, 6:47 am

All children do well when they have an experience of warmth, care, kindness, and love.
Removing a knapsack is a punitive act. It is certainly not an act of warmth, care, kindness or love.
This sort of punitive action on the part of the teacher is not a good way to gain the trust of this child.
If I were the child, to restore trust I'd need this teacher to apologize to me to the tune of, ''Honey, I think I may have lost my cool the other day when I saw you drinking in class. I want a certain kind of order and in that moment when I saw you drinking I feared that I would not have order in the class. I know you had no intention of harming me. I apologize that in my moment of anger I was unkind to you by taking your knapsack. I truly regret that I did that, cuz you're a good child and should not be punished in this way. Can we talk about what kinds of behaviors would help me feel ok as your teacher?''
Perhaps the teacher may come to realize that a child sipping water is more about relieving the child's thirst than about disturbing the order of the classroom.

The teacher need not offer this apology. However, if she is able and willing to do it, it can turn the relationship around. The child is a human being who's been punitively handled for drinking water- for tending to her creaturely comforts. The teacher was ''triggered'' and took it personally.

Well, isn't that what most behavioral problems are all about? A child being a child, and a grownup who takes things personally..... downward spiral from there...

animeme

Tue, Sep 08 2015, 6:49 am

My mind went the other way. It seems that so many times, when there's an experienced teacher and a newbie, the "good" kids all get the newbie because the kids with pervasive issues automatically get the more experienced teacher. If I get my kid into that class, the character of it isn't right for her, so I keep her with the newer teachers, some of whom are great right away and some of whom need more time to get there.

As annoyed as I am about this, I get why it has to happen (I have more needy kids too) so my lesson for you is teacher requests. You talk to the school in advance and get the teacher you need. Then you can talk to her early. If there is only one class, you still call before school.

Hatzlachah this year! And maybe think about sending a Rosh Hashanah small basket or greeting to the teacher, to send along some sweet honey along with all of your requests. It can't hurt.

amother

Oak

Tue, Sep 08 2015, 12:57 pm

This is why I'm terrified to send my kids to heimish schools when the time comes.
I had every age and stage and color of non-Jewish teacher in my 13 years of public school and never had anyone act like this- and yet I've heard similar stories to this before coming out of the heimish system. Or ultimatums like 'medicate or we won't accept him'- what?

From what the OP said, this is NOT a special needs child, this is a regular imperfect child who needs warmth! There are a lot of those in EVERY class! And even if we understand that it's a bad (sorry, 'limited') teacher, the child is right now forming her self-perception. SHE will feel like the bad one.

I also have heard so many frum women say 'whatever, I'll just teach'. I always wonder- isn't that the most important job in the world? Why do we see it as a fallback and catchall?