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Helping 11 yo deal with death of 16 yo counselor



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Ima2NYM_LTR




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2015, 12:32 pm
We received an email today stating that one of my sons favorite counselors, only 16 years old, passed away from a brief and sudden illness. He was very close to her and will be devastated.

My son has known people who have passed away before, but never one so close to his age, and never one he would see regularly (at least for part of the year). the others have all been 80+ relatives who we would see a few times a year at most.

He is a very emotional child and will be devastated by the news.

Since there is a large overlap between the camp and school, I need to tell him at home tonight so he doesn't find out from another kid at school tomorrow.

He will ask me:
Why?
Can it happen to me?
Was she in pain?
but I cant answer these.....no one can.

I already purchased a condolence card for him to sign and send to the family.

How else can I help him to work through his grief and fears?

(Im not so worried about telling my 6 year old- she didnt know her as well, and her questions will be simper to answer.)

He is very bright, so if I start with "hey, tell me about so-and-so" as a starter, he will know something is wrong

I also cannot say anything until 7PM- we have stuff going on before that. It will be hard to know and not say anything.


(side note: it is also his first day of middle school- so already a very emotional day)
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heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2015, 1:25 pm
What a tragic situation.
In times like these I'm always happy that we're religious.
I think it's comforting to a child to know that,"the counselor is living with Hashem and while the people here will miss her and cry for her, we know that she is safe with Hashem. We don't know why Hashem does alot of things. But we believe that Hashem does know the reason. It's like when you're mad at Mommy for not letting you do something and she won't tell you why. Sometimes afterward you realize that it was the right thing for Mommy to say no. Even though at the time you couldn't see that. It's OK to be sad and angry. Hashem understands that we don't know his reasons and it feels too painful to be right."

I would say something along those lines.
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Ima2NYM_LTR




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2015, 1:41 pm
heidi wrote:
What a tragic situation.
In times like these I'm always happy that we're religious.
I think it's comforting to a child to know that,"the counselor is living with Hashem and while the people here will miss her and cry for her, we know that she is safe with Hashem. We don't know why Hashem does alot of things. But we believe that Hashem does know the reason. It's like when you're mad at Mommy for not letting you do something and she won't tell you why. Sometimes afterward you realize that it was the right thing for Mommy to say no. Even though at the time you couldn't see that. It's OK to be sad and angry. Hashem understands that we don't know his reasons and it feels too painful to be right."

I would say something along those lines.


Thanks. Thats something I may say to my 6 year old, but not my 11 year old. I dont think that would help my 11 year old. He is much more inquisitive and mature
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Sanguine




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2015, 1:59 pm
You can "lie" a little. She wasn't in pain. Just like a headache pain but more. (who knows what dying feels like but he will think it hurts a whole lot). Now the Bigger lie - She was sick for a long long time. We didn't know but she was - That's to reassure him that he or you won't suddenly get sick like that. People who are fine today will be fine tomorrow too.

The "Why" part... Well, if he knows people who died, or even hear of some (grandparents...) you can say Everyone doesn't live the same amount of time. Even some people have grandparents and some don't - How come? So she lived even less. Most people live longer but she lived less. Maybe you can make it less shocking to him like that. Maybe he's not old enough to understand what an unnatural tragedy it is. Kids don't expect their grandparents to die either. But we present that as sad but not a crazy thing to happen.
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mfb




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2015, 2:08 pm
We don't know why, only hashem knows.
We only see the knotted part of life, after 120 you get to see the front of the picture.
She is in a good place now, its only hard for us who are still here, and don't understand.
Maybe suggest he do something in her memory (take something small upon himself). It may make him feel better if he can do something for her.
Good luck!
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Sanguine




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2015, 2:09 pm
Also - I'm not saying that he can't be sad, and tell him you're sure her parents are very sad... I didn't mean blow it away like no big deal. But I did mean to play down the shock of someone that age suddenly dying. It almost never happens but it happens. Grandparents live for years too, but some kid's grandparents die at some point. I never thought my grandparents would die but they did (well they'd be about 110 now if they didn't).
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Ima2NYM_LTR




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2015, 2:11 pm
Sanguine wrote:
You can "lie" a little. She wasn't in pain. Just like a headache pain but more. (who knows what dying feels like but he will think it hurts a whole lot). Now the Bigger lie - She was sick for a long long time. We didn't know but she was - That's to reassure him that he or you won't suddenly get sick like that. People who are fine today will be fine tomorrow too.

The "Why" part... Well, if he knows people who died, or even hear of some (grandparents...) you can say Everyone doesn't live the same amount of time. Even some people have grandparents and some don't - How come? So she lived even less. Most people live longer but she lived less. Maybe you can make it less shocking to him like that. Maybe he's not old enough to understand what an unnatural tragedy it is. Kids don't expect their grandparents to die either. But we present that as sad but not a crazy thing to happen.


Im sorry- but are you suggesting I lie to my child about death? If I tell him it felt like a headache, he will worry when he gets a headache. How can I tell him that she has been sick for a long time when he saw her every day at camp this summer!

I will not insult his intelligence.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2015, 2:19 pm
Chazal say that to a righteous person, death is gentle - IIRC like taking a hair out of water (not sure what that means really) - it's just slipping from this world to the next. You can discuss with your child how special she was, and that she surely fits into that category. She is now in a very special, holy, wonderful place, and it's we who are left to grieve her. We're sad, but she is at peace.

I'm so sorry for you and your son. This is a painful lesson that we all have to learn sooner or later, it's sad when it's so much sooner.
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Barbara




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2015, 2:43 pm
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Last edited by Barbara on Wed, Sep 09 2015, 3:20 pm; edited 1 time in total
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2015, 2:51 pm
Honestly, there's nothing to say that's going to make it better. Just sit with him and do your best to answer any questions honestly.

Eleven is old enough that I'm sure on some level he realizes that anyone could die. So no point trying to hide that. I wouldn't get into talking about how much death hurts, though (I think for that it would be enough to say something like "I can't say for sure, but I think the doctors were probably giving her medicine so it wouldn't hurt." If he asks. I assume you really don't know for sure either way.)

I wouldn't talk about hashkafa right away, unless he wants to. Let him come to it in his own time.

If there's any way some of the stuff this afternoon can wait until another day, it might be better for him to hear the news when he's (relatively) rested.
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Sanguine




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2015, 3:19 pm
Ima2NYM_LTR wrote:
Im sorry- but are you suggesting I lie to my child about death? If I tell him it felt like a headache, he will worry when he gets a headache. How can I tell him that she has been sick for a long time when he saw her every day at camp this summer!

I will not insult his intelligence.
OK - I don't mean lie but I think it's Ok to play down the shock and the "Only Hashem knows" - that's too scary. If you suddenly heard a friend of yours parent died, you would ask "Was he sick? How old was he?..." People want some info. That's part of how people deal with death. If you tell him you have no idea, that's very scary for him. You can tell him you don't know any other kids who died like that (or you've heard of 2 or 3 but you know so many kids). He can be sad, but shouldn't be scared.
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mummiedearest




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 09 2015, 3:33 pm
just answer his questions as best you can. "I don't know" is a very appropriate answer to many of his questions. take each question as it comes, don't search for answers before he asks. it may help him to speak to a rabbi about death, to research his counselor's illness, and possibly to try to raise tzedaka for an organization that deals with this illness. a condolence card is a very good idea.
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chaos




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 10 2015, 1:05 am
I'm so sorry.

I don't think it's about answering his questions so much as about providing the space for him to grieve. Of course you don't have the answers to the whys - none of us do and that's part of why these tragic losses are so difficult.

I'd focus on letting him know that it's ok for him to grieve and to share his feelings, whether it's with you or in a journal, or with a counselor/rabbi, etc. Make sure he can come to you if he wants to talk but don't force him. You may also want to encourage him to pay a shiva call, write his own card/letter to the family, give tzedakah in her memory, do something as an aliyah for her neshama, etc if you think those things would help him.
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 10 2015, 3:32 am
Ask him if he wants to be Menachem avel, that may give him some closure. Be clear that you don't have all the answers and that Hashem runs the world.
Everything Hashem does is good, but we can't always see it. There are many questions we have in life that we won't get answers to until Eliyahu Hanavi can tell us.
This is special opportunity to give him valuable tools to deal with pain and difficult inevitable situations that we just want to protect our children from.
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Smile1234




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 10 2015, 3:54 am
I would suggest calling Chai Lifeline. They have many trained professionals and can answer all your questions how to explain it to your son.

Besuros tovos!
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