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Help... What do I do??



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Bitachon101




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Sep 12 2015, 7:22 pm
ATTN: experienced successful parents of defiant preschool children.
I need major guidance here. Please advise before I destroy my child from doing it all wrong. Sad

My 4 year old, has always been a goody goody child always looking to please (as long as he understood what needed to be done).
Recently though he's been doing a lot of ignoring, saying no or I don't care to me, and being slightly testy and defiant.
Today was out of hand.
Literally like a crazy child!
(And he's not a behavioral issue in general)
He hurt his little brother countless times today.
He said no to everything I said, specifically did things that he saw would upset me, told me straight out I'm going to do what u said I can't and I'll take the things I'm not allowed to take. He threw multiple tantrums, I forgot to say woke me up yelling at me this morning, made huge messes that he wouldn't clean up, even after he took a nap and I was hoping it had just been over tiredness he continued his crazy behavior, he would play with little brother and then hit him or push him, was beyond chutzpadik both to me and my hub throughout the day. His big refrain he kept saying was "I don't care" to everything.
When I tried to have him go to his room for some time out time he refused. I brought him there he just came out. At night when it was time for bed I literally had to carry him to his bed while he fought me and hold him down for 20 min while he tried to wriggle out of bed and run out. I finally got him distracted after 20 min with counting and I asked him how high he can count. We got to 150 together and then I counted backwards with him.
By then he had calmed down and was sleepy so we said shema and he went to sleep. But o seriously ended up yelling at him too many times today (after countless attempts to deal with situations without yelling)
I almost got to potching which I probably should have done but don't do unless I have to as I find he just copies and will do to his younger brother so I try to stay off that.
But seriously... At wits end.
He has completely taught his younger brother to say no and not listen to me or dh.
So now I'm sort of dealing with 2 defiant children.
The funny thing is that in his nature he gets upset when kids don't listen to authority!
But he is going through a craziness where it doesn't apply to him right now.

Help!!!!
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relish




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Sep 12 2015, 7:29 pm
It is tough to go through what you described. It can bring any parent to the end of their rope. But, usually when it is a sudden shift in personality their is a reason.

What big change is he going through right now?
Did something happen in school?

You keep saying that it he is not acting himself.

Please find out why.
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Bitachon101




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Sep 12 2015, 7:45 pm
He's by a new Morah and seems to love her and his class.
He seems more to be going though a need for independance.
I'd almost say he's acting like a teenager at age 4.
He realizes that he has his own thoughts and desires and that he doesn't want anyone directing him.
As far as the hurting... That I'm not sure what it is.
He used to be the wimp that didn't know how to stand up for himself.
Now he is coming across as the bully.
Yes little brother are frustrating when they play with this that are yours or try to play with you when u want to build a tower yourself or when u have to share with them, but never to this extent has he let himself loose. To the point where the little one was kvetching that he wanted a treat that I wouldn't let him have so the older son pushed him over. When I asked why he did that he said because he was going to try to get the treat that he wasn't allowed to.
He keeps jumping on him and hurting him when they play (possibly frustration but at times it just happens out of nowhere, as a if that's part of the game! Happened few times today.)
The listening and defying thing... I need to know how to deal with... I can't go thru this daily especially over yom tov when Im there all day with them....
I need to figure out how to reteach the concept of kibbud av vaem and when a parent says something it needs to be listened to... It seems to have slipped the radar.
Can it be retaught?
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Sep 12 2015, 9:55 pm
These independent streak things do happen but I'd also want to rule out any possible medical reasons for a change in personality. Just because you describe it as being so recent and so drastic.

I have definitely not figured out any great solutions to this kind of stuff but based on some similar-ish experiences and advice I received at those times, I'd cautiously and humbly suggest that this might be time to press the "reset" button like this: Ignore everything you can (e.g. doesn't want to go to bed? OK. No fight. Saying "I don't care" - play deaf). Don't ask anything of him unless it's seriously necessary (to minimize episodes of not listening). Lots of love, attention, and validation. Focus more on restoring calm in yourself and your relationship before thinking again about how to teach him better behavior. After a couple of weeks of "reset button" if the acting up is still going on, THEN think about how to deal with it. But first you need to take a break from the power struggles and negative ruts you're in. I'm sure you did attempt to deal with the situations without yelling - but eventually you were pushed to your yelling point. So to get out of that, don't attempt to deal with situations so much.

It's a bit radical, but it helped me a few times.

The only issue is the brother-bullying that you really can't ignore. How proactive can you be? Would he do it with you right there watching or participating in the game? Can you keep them separate? That would be the one thing I'd have to put my foot down even while doing the "reset" everywhere else.

Big hugs. Sounds like such a rough time for you.
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seraphima




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Sep 12 2015, 11:41 pm
Really good advice from seeker. To piggyback on her post, first you want to rule out a change in behavior due to medical or environmental reasons. Has anything changed except for the new morah? How are his peers/friends behaving? How is his sleep, diet, free time spent? Talk to adults that spend time with him to try to rule out environmental changes.

The behaviors you mentioned seem pretty normal to me. Testing boundaries, establishing oneself as separate from others, and even bullying siblings is normal. He is old enough for a few rules. You can write them together on a poster and even allow him to choose one rule. No pushing can be one rule. Then you can come up with a contingency, such as, if I push, I get a timeout for 5 mins (or whatever immediate consequence works).

Also, try to determine the function of his behavior by looking at events immediately before and after the unwanted behavior. If it is attention-seeking, try to catch him "being good" and reward him with praise. Ignore the unwanted behaviors that you are not targeting with the rule chart. If the function of the behavior is to gain access to an item or avoid sharing, don't give him access to the item if he pushes, tantrums, etc... When he does share, give him some kind of reward.

It usually gets worse before it gets better, but taking the time to reevaluate your discipline system and build necessary supports as his needs change is easier for all in the long run.
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amother
Pink


 

Post Sun, Sep 13 2015, 12:22 am
"I don't care" and ignoring is not likely something he invented.
I'm thinking he is copying someone. Where could he have learned this?
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malkaf




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 13 2015, 12:59 am
Do you live in Jerusalem?
If so, I would make all efforts to rule out abuse.
Keep him home for a few days - is his behavior the same?
Over RH, how does he behave?
Track his behavior carefully.

At night, when he's calmer, sing a few songs, tell him you love him, then ask him if someone or something is bothering him. "Mommy loves you and always wants to hear if something's bothering you. You will never be punished for telling Mommy something. I will be proud and happy if you tell me what's making you so upset."
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Butterfly




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 13 2015, 5:42 am
malkaf wrote:
Do you live in Jerusalem?
If so
, I would make all efforts to rule out abuse.

I too agree that all efforts should be made to rule out abuse, whether they live in Jerusalem or elsewhere...
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